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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel snubbed by DD's friend's parents?

33 replies

BoojaB · 22/08/2010 08:40

Bit of background: my DD has just turned two and we're friends with a boy who's a month younger than DD, and his nanny.

I invited the boy to DD's 2nd birthday party, delivering the invitation to the boy's house. I thought it would make sense to have the party on a weekend so that a) dads could come and b) that this little boy's parents could come. The RSVP was clear on the invitation.

A couple of days before the party I gave the nanny a nudge and said that I hadn't heard from anyone - was the little boy coming to the party? The nanny told me that his parents wouldn't "deal with me" and that the boy wouldn't be allowed to anyone's house that they don't know.

I thought it was rude that they didn't RSVP to me, or even ask the nanny to.

A couple of months before this, the little boy's older brother had a party organised by the nanny (parents were absent - I've never met them). DD was invited to keep the younger boy company. Of course I RSVP'd and bought a little pressie etc. That's manners, isn't it?

A month after my DD's, it was the little boy's party, again organised by the nanny. We RSVP'd, turned up and brought a card and pressie, of course.

So, I feel annoyed because I feel that they didn't deem me good enough to RSVP to (although they don't know anything about me, apparently). It's hard not to feel resentful, as I'm a full-time parent who puts the effort in with parties etc. Why would they think they're too good?

OP posts:
Original poster
BoojaB · 22/08/2010 08:44

BTW, when I told the nanny that I thought it was rude to not RSVP, she told me that they're a "different class of people". How insulting!

OP posts:
sloanypony · 22/08/2010 08:44

To be honest, they sound odd. They are clearly socially awkward.

Its not you, its them. On no planet is that acceptable - even the Queen would have her people RSVP.

YANBU, they are!

Tee2072 · 22/08/2010 08:46

They sound very odd and not very involved with their kids, if they don't even arrange or go to their birthday parties.

I wouldn't take it personally. I would bet they hate all people, not just you.

compo · 22/08/2010 08:47

Sounds like the nanny is stirring
how out of order of her to talkabout her employers that way!
They've probably just forgotten to reply
you're overthinking and she's a meddling cow

Goblinchild · 22/08/2010 08:49

They have outsourced the care of their children and their entertainment to an employee, and you didn't use the correct channels.
You are wasting your time getting bothered by such cold and compartmentalised adults. Stick with the child, the nanny and life below stairs. Grin

TotalChaos · 22/08/2010 08:50

yanbu. sounds like they see you as a friend of the nanny rather than them iyswim. agree with compo that the nanny could have handled things more tactfully.

5DollarShake · 22/08/2010 08:50

Which class of people don't have any manners Confused

didgeridoo · 22/08/2010 08:51

"A different class of people!?" Yeah, low-lifesGrin

Original poster
BoojaB · 22/08/2010 08:53

Thanks all for your replies. I did go through the correct channels, as I delivered the invitation to the house when the nanny invited us over to play (the little boy isn't allowed to go to other people's houses). So the nanny recieved it, and it was put on the parent's desk. That's what they do for invitations which are for parties taking place when the nanny's not at work.

Yep compo, I probably am over-thinking it. I suppose I can't stand rudeness, especially as they don't know me.

For the record (and I honestly don't judge people like this, but I think they are) I'm better educated than they are and seem to have the same sort of lifestyle, except I look after my family rather than out-sourcing! Wink (NOT a dig at people with nannies, but the way!)

OP posts:
Original poster
BoojaB · 22/08/2010 08:55

That's what I thought, didgeridoo.

I suppose I can take a snub at myself, but I'm taking it as an insult to my daughter too.

Really should toughen-up!

OP posts:
Goblinchild · 22/08/2010 08:57

'The nanny told me that his parents wouldn't "deal with me" and that the boy wouldn't be allowed to anyone's house that they don't know.'

How exactly is that irresponsible stirring and out of order? Sounds like a factual reply without any whitewash.

Communication goes through the correct channels.
Parents don't know the OP and so won't let their child go to an unknown home, but will permit the other child to come to their house.

The employee didn't offer any personal opinions as to how she saw the situation, or her bosses.

autodidact · 22/08/2010 09:03

They sound very rude and silly. If the nanny's report is accurate their poor children will miss out on lovely friendships like that with your little girl and they may well grow up with bad attitudes.

However, you need to get used to bad practice in RSVPing as it is endemic in childhood life. Do a search on it on mumsnet and you will see. Also full time parenthood is a strange term and has has nothing to do with the matter as far as I can see. People do not stop being parents when they are at work. Your problem here, if you have the full story, appears to be that the family happen to have an unpleasant attitude. One thing that does occur as more relevant,, do you think it's possible that, as working parents, their weekends are the only real opportunity for precious family time and they therefore try not to overschedule?

didgeridoo · 22/08/2010 09:07

Goblinchild - I wonder how well "people of a different class" know their nannies before
dumpingentrusting their children to them?

Original poster
BoojaB · 22/08/2010 09:07

Goblinchild, I did go through the correct channel of communication. Invitation given to the nanny, put on the parent's desk.

Autodidact, if their weekend time is precious, they should still RSVP. Another friend was on holiday, but the let me know. They also brought a little card and pressie over, which the little boy's parents didn't bother with. If the RSVP thing is a common problem, I certainly had better toughen-up!

Thanks again all for your replies.

OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 22/08/2010 09:09

TBH I would forget about this boy and get along with making friends with mum's that do want to be in your social circle.

These parnets for whatever reasons have been rude and condescending -hwy bother when you don't have to - even for the chidls sake, it isn't worth it

didgeridoo · 22/08/2010 09:15

Me again, sorry! I'd also like to add that if they feel they can't trust the nanny to judge who their child should/shouldn't be spending time with, why are they employing her & leaving their child with her in the first place?ConfusedHmm

compo · 22/08/2010 09:18

Goblin child I think the nanny is out of order from this bit ' Add message | Report | Contact poster BoojaB Sun 22-Aug-10 08:44:07
BTW, when I told the nanny that I thought it was rude to not RSVP, she told me that they're a "different class of people". How insulting!'

she shouldn't be relaying stuff like that even if it was said
it's unprofessional to bitch about your employers

autodidact · 22/08/2010 09:22

Yes- it is absolutely endemic, I'm afraid. My eldest children are 11 and some years only a tiny minority of parents have let me know whether their children are coming to their party. Sometimes they don't realise it's important to people, sometimes children lose invitations or forget to pass them on to parents. I've pretty much given up and don't worry too much about either Rspv-ing or chasing rsvps any more tbh. Even when I intend to reply I often forget. The people who care generally contact you to check anyway. You will definitely need to toughen up!

autodidact · 22/08/2010 09:39

Also, it's unusual for present and card to be given when a child isn't attending the party, ime, so they haven't really done anything out of order there. Your mate went beyond the call of duty. Welcome to the minefield that is the children's social scene!

Original poster
BoojaB · 22/08/2010 09:51

autodidact, I think it rude not to give a little pressie whether you can make it or not. I have a lot to learn!

OP posts:
Original poster
BoojaB · 22/08/2010 09:56

compo, the nanny was suggesting that they're a 'higher' class than me. She's totally in awe of the family and bathes in a lot of reflected glory. Bear in mind, she's never been to my house (not allowed), so she doesn't know that it's very similar to the one in which she works. Honestly, I'm not being snobby. I couldn't care less about the size of people's houses, and that's why this has p*ssed me off so much!

OP posts:
Goblinchild · 22/08/2010 10:04

compo, maybe the nanny didn't see it as bitching, just trying to explain why things were going the way they were to the OP.
If she's somewhat in awe of her employers, it's how she might respond, however inaccurate.

Having money doesn't give you manners, or empathy, or an ability to make real friends.
Or a decent pedigree...Grin

catinthehat2 · 22/08/2010 10:06

Eh?
Are you in the UK?
Are you in a bog standard town?

Or is this Monaco or some expat walled territory in the Middle East?

catinthehat2 · 22/08/2010 10:07

(context required..)

LynetteScavo · 22/08/2010 10:11

All of this is totally normal behaviour for people who have a nanny for my child, IME.

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