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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I honestly don't know if I am being unreasonable

32 replies

AaronsBoo · 20/08/2010 20:06

Will try and get all this in one post but it may be long.

I was with exp for 3 years, we were engaged and living together, I have 2 children ages 8 and 6. He was very much 'dad' to them and adored them as they did him.

We split up amicably and 2 weeks later he met someone else, they have now been together a year. Ex and I are on friendly terms and there is no problem there.

The issue is this, he has remained in contact with my children, he visits every 2 weeks or so, Christmas, Birthdays, School plays, Parents evening. If one of them is ill I let him know and he expects to be told. It is a good arrangement and suits us all, it made the split much easier for the boys and its nice to catch up occasionally.

His DP though, doesn't know he sees them, as she banned him from having any contact with them/us. She feels that he we might decide to get back together (we wont I have a partner) and doesn't want him having anything to do with the boys. So he sees them in secret. She hates me, although we have never met.

I suggested he takes the kids to hers to play with her children, or brings her here, or they take them out together.

I think though it would cause her pain and un-necessary hurt to realise he has been lying to her for a year about what he has been up to and give her more reason not to want him to see them. His lying was the reason we split, he wouldn't know the truth if it smacked him in the face. But, also if he suddenly says he wants to visit them it will look odd. I just don't want to be the reason for him decieving her but also don't wan't my boys to miss out on seeing their 'dad'

What happens if we bump into them when we're out and they go running over talking about when they went to the park/cinema etc it will happen eventually.

Am IBU to want him to admit that he sees the kids and bring everything into the open?

Or AIBU to possibly hurt her by forcing him to tell her and should keep quiet instead?

Or AIBU for letting him see the boys full stop?

I don't want to be the bad guy, but also don't want the kids to lose out.

Garbled and long, sorry!

OP posts:
larks35 · 20/08/2010 20:10

YANBU at all, your exp is with regard to keeping his contact with you and your DCs secret. Have to say that the fact that he still wants the contact with your DCs softens my judgey feeling toward him, but he needs to grow a pair and stop lying unnecessarily.

dolcegusto · 20/08/2010 20:13

I don't think yabu. It's lively that he's mIntained a relationship with your boys.

He should tell his gf, not up to you to get involved. But you're right, she'll find out eventually but it's your ex that has to deal with her not you.

Original poster
AaronsBoo · 20/08/2010 20:13

He really is amazing with them, he doesn't have to stay around for them but he choose too. He said when he met me and realised I had children that he made a decision to have a relationship with all of us and make a commitment to the kids. Its one of the dwindling list of things I respect about him.

OP posts:
ChippingIn · 20/08/2010 20:17

That's a tricky one.

What has brought this to a head now?

Original poster
AaronsBoo · 20/08/2010 20:22

I'm not sure really, maybe because one of the boys wanted to call today to say he had won an award at beavers but I couldn't let him as he wouldn't have been at work so would possibly be with his GF so I didn't feel that I could let him call iyswim. I felt like the OW and am sick of having to sneak around.

I call him maybe once a fortnight just to arrange a time that he is coming but I always call when he is working just to make sure he will be able to answer.

I almost feel he is ashamed of them, but I know he loves them otherwise he wouldn't be risking his relationship seeing them.

OP posts:
Original poster
AaronsBoo · 20/08/2010 20:25

Also I should mention he still gives me money towards them even though i've never asked for it. He says that we rented this house with two incomes coming in and planned everything based around that, and now as I only have my money the boys shouldn't miss out on anything because of circumstances. Its only £20 a time but thats alot when you don't have alot to give and it enables us to have a nice day out or something.

OP posts:
narkypuffin · 20/08/2010 20:30

Do the boys not see their biological father?

Original poster
AaronsBoo · 20/08/2010 20:40

Yes, they do frequently. They are very lucky as they have lots of people he think the world of them. I can't fault their dad in anyway, however, we split up when they were very young and they only really remember exp being around at home etc. Parents evening all three of us have always gone. They have a strong bond with both their dad and exp, I guess that sounds odd, but they would really miss him if he was to disappear.

OP posts:
ChippingIn · 20/08/2010 20:46

AB - I can totally understand why you feel the way you do - it's a crap situation :(

[Except, I don't think that he is ashamed of them at all, if he felt ashamed of them, he wouldn't see them - he has no need to - he wants to.]

I feel for all of you, I really do. Someone is going to get very hurt and I really, really hope it's not your boys :(

He was bloody stupid to tell her he wouldn't see the boys, but as you said, he's an Ex for a reason

On the other hand it is lovely that he does still want to be a part of the boys lives and that he gives you some money (although I was suprised it was only £20 after what you said about renting it on two incomes etc but as you say £20, is £20 and you can do something nice with it and he doesn't have to give you anything).

His heart is in the right place, it's a shame his brain wasn't when he told her he'd stop seeing the boys.

Frankly, this has to be his decision, surely he can see that he can't keep this up and will need to make a decision. Why don't you invite him around, tell him about today, tell him how it's making you feel, explain your fear of bumping into them etc and ask him what you are both going to do about it.

At some stage it's going to come to a head, it might as well be now and you can either get it out in the open or you can start to wean the boys off of him .... it's not just going to 'fix itself' at any stage :( (well, not unless you think they might split up???).

larks35 · 20/08/2010 20:47

I have to admit from your first post I just assumed that your DCs biological dad was not on the scene. Does he also support your DCs financially?

ib · 20/08/2010 20:48

That doesn't sound odd at all, I am still close to my ex-stepdad and he split up with my mum over 20 ys ago!

I would say don't get involved with what he does with his new partner - if he did everything the way you like it you would probably still be together! Honestly his new relationship is none of your business - she sounds awful anyway, not wanting him to have a relationship with his dss.

LynetteScavo · 20/08/2010 20:50

YANBU. The sooner he tells her, the easier it will be.

sorrento56 · 20/08/2010 20:50

I don't think this is your problem tbh. It is up to him to sort things out with his girlfriend and he shouldn't have lied but he has so his mess. He deserves credit for staying in the children's lives though. Not many biological dads do after a split never mind someone who isn't.

ccpccp · 20/08/2010 20:50

TBH - he needs to stop seeing your boys. Cruel as that sounds.

Neither of you will move on unless this happens. And no he isnt 'dad', no matter how great he is with them, or how much money he puts your way.

His new partner has a right to know and a right to be very annoyed at the situation.

Lets face it, if things get bad between him and his new partner, how long before hes trying to get back in your bed?

Is this what you secretly want?

sungirltan · 20/08/2010 20:59

sorry op but agree with ccpccp.

over the years i have watched a v similar situation with my bf and her dc. we hear the same 'oh but hes been there since she was 2 mnths old' argument and then we watch the dc (10) fall apart when his contact wanes. the ex step dad has recently got married and tbh i feel for the new wife because everyone expects ex step dad to maintain contact with ex step dc despite him having moved on with his life. he cant win :-(

Vallhala · 20/08/2010 20:59

YANBU at all - in fact you sound lovely and very considerate to everyone concerned.

Shame your ex's new partner isn't as nice.

Speaking as someone who met her biological father when she was 22 (my parents divoeced when I was v young) and who quickly learned that her new-found stepmother was a jealous, controlling bitch, I feel for your boys. I quickly discovered that SM had made every attempt to ban my dad from seeing his other children and step children (from his 2nd marriage, I was from his first) since the very day she met him.

This continued for many years, with Dad being threatened with being thrown out for seeing his children, the works. It has emotionally destroyed my dad - albeit thats his fault for being too weak to stand up to the bitch - and ultimately cost him his relationship with not just me but with his grandchildren too.

Women like this NEVER change imho.

Don't let another insecure control freak destroy the relationship YOUR children have with the man they regard as Dad.

ChippingIn · 20/08/2010 21:08

Sorrento - I think it is AB's problem because her boys can't contact him when they want to and she is worrying about what will happen if they bump into the Ex & his NP when they're out - that will have a big impact on her kids and it's fair enough that she wants to work out how to avoid that - don't you agree?

ccpccp/suntangirl - I don't understand your angle on this. Kids can be loved by many people, you don't have to be their Dad or their Step Dad to love them, just because the adult relationship breaks down, why should the relationship with the children??
(AB has a new partner - why would she want him back or in her bed?? She knows he's a crap partner?!).

LittleSilver · 20/08/2010 21:11

OP, sounds hard. I hope this doesn not sound unsympathetic but:

How he handles his relationship is none of your business.

It's lovely that he maintains a relationship with your DSs. I don't think the details of how he rationalises/OKS it with his GF have anything to do with you.

sorrento56 · 20/08/2010 21:19

I agree but still think it is his problem to deal with his new partner.

FakePlasticTrees · 20/08/2010 21:21

I agree with littleSilver - his relationship is his business, but you need to stop enabling him to treat your DCs like they are an OW - has he told you to only contact him when he's at work or have you assumed he doesn't want to hear from you outside of work? If you see them when you're out and about, then he'll have to deal with the fall out from that, but you shouldn't tiptoe round just in case.

You aren't his partner anymore, it's not your problem. So long as he's saying he wants to see the DCs, then how he deals with his partner is his business.

sungirltan · 20/08/2010 22:45

chippiingin - because its so confusing for the dcs. my dh has had two lots of step kids in the past (one exgf's and one ex w). he's not in contact with any of the dc and neither would anyone we know expect him to be even though i know he was sad to lose both sets of kids and has nothing but nice memories.

also if he was seeing them behind my back i'd be out of the door. its an odd thing to be so deceitful about

ChippingIn · 20/08/2010 23:26

sungirltan - did you ask him to stop seeing the children?

Why is it confusing for children to continue to be loved by an adult they had a relationship with. It's not confusing for them to continue having a relationship with a biological parent or a family member when the adult relationships break down, to the children it's no different.

I think we'll have to agree to disagree on this one. I wouldn't want to be with a man who had played a significant part in a childs life (step dad) yet walked away from the children when he walked away from the relationship - but that's just me.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 20/08/2010 23:34

The difficulty here is going to be as your boys get older, they aren't going to understand why they can't go and see your ex or call him when they want to. My concern would be for their self-esteem and feelings when they do become aware that they are a secret in your ex's life.

I've no idea what to advise, but he sounds a spineless idiot to have agreed to not see them when he fully intended to keep doing so.

sungirltan · 20/08/2010 23:36

oh heavens no - was before i met him. if i'm being v honest i'd would have found it v offputting if he were.

to me, walking away would be leaving your own child. ending a relationship and kindly saying your goodbyes to the step children is not unreasonable (as i say, in my opinion - not saying its gospel. relationships end and adults move on. whas important surely is the attachement to the parent/s.

ChippingIn · 20/08/2010 23:38

I think that any attachment a child makes is important and I don't think they should be made to give up relationships because the adults no longer want to be together....

...but hey - if we all agreed on everything, MN would be boring!