I honestly don't know if I am being unreasonable

[AaronsBoo]

Will try and get all this in one post but it may be long.

I was with exp for 3 years, we were engaged and living together, I have 2 children ages 8 and 6. He was very much 'dad' to them and adored them as they did him.

We split up amicably and 2 weeks later he met someone else, they have now been together a year. Ex and I are on friendly terms and there is no problem there.

The issue is this, he has remained in contact with my children, he visits every 2 weeks or so, Christmas, Birthdays, School plays, Parents evening. If one of them is ill I let him know and he expects to be told. It is a good arrangement and suits us all, it made the split much easier for the boys and its nice to catch up occasionally.

His DP though, doesn't know he sees them, as she banned him from having any contact with them/us. She feels that he we might decide to get back together (we wont I have a partner) and doesn't want him having anything to do with the boys. So he sees them in secret. She hates me, although we have never met.

I suggested he takes the kids to hers to play with her children, or brings her here, or they take them out together.

I think though it would cause her pain and un-necessary hurt to realise he has been lying to her for a year about what he has been up to and give her more reason not to want him to see them. His lying was the reason we split, he wouldn't know the truth if it smacked him in the face. But, also if he suddenly says he wants to visit them it will look odd. I just don't want to be the reason for him decieving her but also don't wan't my boys to miss out on seeing their 'dad'

What happens if we bump into them when we're out and they go running over talking about when they went to the park/cinema etc it will happen eventually.

Am IBU to want him to admit that he sees the kids and bring everything into the open?

Or AIBU to possibly hurt her by forcing him to tell her and should keep quiet instead?

Or AIBU for letting him see the boys full stop?

I don't want to be the bad guy, but also don't want the kids to lose out.

Garbled and long, sorry!

YANBU. I don't think you should stop him seeing the boys - biology is such a small part of being a dad IMO. he loves them, they love him! I think it's great that he is willing to be involved. I am a stepmum to 3, and if for some reason my relationship with DH ended I would be utterly devastated if I had to stop seeing them. of course in some situations it's better for the stepparent to walk away, but only if that's what everybody wants.

FGS, this woman sounds harsh. it is really tough dealing with the jealousy when you meet a man with kids (I should know!) but she needs to grow up. Jeez, I met my stepkids when I was only 16 - and SHE sounds like the immature one! in retrospect, I couldn't have loved DH if he'd just abandoned his kids. if this woman has her own kids, she is BVU.

I think he does need to be open about it, unfortunately it's risking his relationship and that's a shame of course, but if your boys want to keep seeing this guy then that must come first.

unreasonable is his decit to current partner and your willingness to maintain it.you are all on collision course

time for straight talkin

he loves your dc,wants to maintain contact
has new partner but can accomodate love for your dc
you stop colluding with the decit.you know winds her up (maybe you likey) but out of their relationship
he stops lying to girlfriend

Morning all, sorry I didn't reply last night I have a very rare night out.

I will try and answer the questions/comments

Firstly, I have always heard from everyone that she is a lovely women etc, infact i've never heard anything bad about her. Apart from that she strongly dislikes me for no apparnt reason other than being her DPs ex. I don't think they will split he always says how happy they are etc. I would never have him back/in my bed. I've watched him lie to her for a year, i'm in no way wanting to be the insecure, rightly paraniod, phone checking person I was when I was with him. I would never say anything against her as I don't know her or how he treats her, maybe he has lied about other stuff to her and thats why she would be jealous/insecure who knows.

It would be a real shame for them to lose contact, he has always been a good role model to them, they look forward to seeing him and come home smiling. But as someone mentioned, it is a worry about when we eventually bump into them when we're out for example, I wanted to take the boys to the cinema last week to watch a film, but held off because I knew they were going to the cinema that day and didn't want to risk coming face to face and having some explaining to do!

He has never told me I can't call at specific times, i've just always called when I know he will be at work out of respect for them as a couple, DS1 had an accident a few months ago and was taken to hospital, on that occasion he didn't answer the phone so I text him and he called me straight back, she was there at the time and I he said that she has asked how he was doing, so I do think he would answer the phone if they called but it might be a difficult conversation and some explanation needed from his end and I don't want to make the boys a focus of their arguement.

I think it's lovely that your DC have so many people in their lives who love them. I don't think children consider the complicated nature of adult relationships - all they are aware of is that your ex is part of their lives, they love him and he loves them.

I think if you get into a relationship with someone who has young DC, then you should be making a permanent commitment to those DC. Imo, it is not right to just disappear from a child life, because they don't have the understanding of an adult as to why this has happened. I realise it isn't always possible to maintain contact, but it is to your EXs credit that he is honouring his commitment to your DC.

Wrt his new relationship, I would talk to him and tell him that he is storing up trouble for himslf by not being honest and that he could jeopardise his new relationship. Beyond that, I think you just have to leave him to it. His relationship isn't something you can worry about as you have no power to affect it. You can warn him, but that's all you can do

Personally i would not want my DC's seeing anyone who treated them like a dirty little sererate.

Yanbu- he is. All or nothing I would say-

One does sort of wonder whether the gf is unhappy about your ex seeing you/kids is because she knows he can't be trusted. After all he is a sneaky bugger, you know that, she knows that. If he were having a bit on the side he'd behave exactly as he is now behaving, and if found out would tell exactly the story here - he loves his ex-stepkids and wants to go on seeing them like an extra father, and bung them occasional money for treats etc - leaving out the bit that he was sleeping with their mother! Let's face it, if she were to post here putting her side of the story, what would we all think? Knowing only his form and not AaronsBoo's side of it, it would seem quite likely that he was having an affair, or at least that she had some reason to suspect his motives. I also think I'd be a bit annoyed to find my OH was slipping money to his ex on the quiet, wouldn't you? Mind you I'm not saying she is in the right; maybe she's a secret controlling bitch or maybe she's just devastatingly insecure, we don't know.

To what extent is it possible to make a relationship directly with her, so she knows you as a person rather than an ex-partner, and can cross-check his honesty with you when he's supposed to be there etc? If she's as nice as people say she should be open to this approach; she surely wouldn't want to ban a man from seeing his ex-stepkids unnecessarily. Or have you tried and she just doesn't want to know?

If everyone else reports that she is a lovely person then I would bet my last penny that the reason she dislikes you so much is that your ex has told her a great deal of terrible stories about you, about how you treated him, about how terrible his life was...

He'll be making you the bad guy and him your victim. After all, there has to be a reason you split, doesn't there? And it can't be him at fault...

Seen it so many times before.