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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

in having a row with dh in Tesco

26 replies

asdx2 · 20/08/2010 16:42

(snarling quietly not full on shouting) Because having just come back from a couple of days away where dd was spoilt rotten plus knowing we go away for a week in 8 days I refused to buy her more plastic crap a much wanted Disney Princess set for £20.
Dh called me tight and prolonged the sulking by giving dd false hope that he could win me round (he can't)
He can't bear to say no which makes life much more difficult for me.He has always been the same dd1 was/is spoilt rotten and I am the baddie for putting in boundaries.
Feel stressed out dd has forgotten all about it now but dh is sulking because apparently it is a very unattractive trait to be mean

OP posts:

Curiousmama · 20/08/2010 16:43

Blimey I'm for you, how old is he 15?? He needs to grow up fast!!

belgo · 20/08/2010 16:44

Has he got the money to waste on any old plastic tat?! Of course YANBU. He's behaving worse then a child.

curlymama · 20/08/2010 16:45

It is also very unattractive when a grown man sulks!

Couldn't you do make the Disney set a reward for something instead? Like buy it for her, but tell her she has to help tidy her room / eat all her veg or whatever and then she can have it. That seems like a fair enough compromise to me.

LynetteScavo · 20/08/2010 16:46

So why didn't he buy it for her?

rainbowinthesky · 20/08/2010 16:47

Yanbu at all. I hate plastic crap. What a waste of £20 that would have been.

Morloth · 20/08/2010 16:49

How old is he?

Original poster

asdx2 · 20/08/2010 16:49

Yes he has the money we aren't hard up as he kept telling me.
It's not the money tbh it's the principle she has too much already, lots of it unplayed with,I can't bear spoilt kids and neither can he as he points out some friends' kids behaviour regularly but he doesn't like to be unpopular.

OP posts:

Original poster

asdx2 · 20/08/2010 16:51

I wouldn't let him buy it for her He is 50.

OP posts:

Megatron · 20/08/2010 16:53

YANBU. He's behaving like a 4 year old.

PuppyMonkey · 20/08/2010 16:58

Never go shopping with a dp and kids. One of you stay at home and look after the.kids while the other does shopping. Never understand why entire clans hit tesco together as if it's a day out.

Original poster

asdx2 · 20/08/2010 17:14

Never do normally tbh called in for fresh food to top up after a couple of days away. Didn't get home til late last night and we both had errands to run.

OP posts:

ASecretLemonadeDrinker · 20/08/2010 17:22

hmmm....on the other hand, if you wanted to buy DD something, how would you feel if he said you weren't allowed?

BootyMum · 20/08/2010 17:38

It could be that DH is sulking and acting childish because he feels treated as a child by you... you telling him he wasn't allowed to buy toy for her. So you treated him as if he were 5 years old and belittled him in front of DD... Sorry to be harsh but I just wondered if this was the way DH perceived the situation. In my experience people tend to sulk when they feel disempowered.

I was wondering if what might be helpful is if both you and DH present a united front to DD and tell her that Mummy and Daddy will need to talk together about whether buying this present is appropriate or not and that you will get back to her with a decision. Then you and DH talk about it later, without DD present, and come to a resolution together. May mean that you both have to compromise somewhat, ie agree to buy this toy now but as an early birthday present or will buy it but keep it for her Christmas present or not buy it but that DH then gets to choose her next present when the time is right. Perhaps once you and DH have conferred you can present DD with a list of three possible choices [that have been agreed upon as acceptable by both of you] and then DD can decide which one to go with. Then everyone has a say!

Original poster

asdx2 · 20/08/2010 17:38

I would probably die of shock he never says no well he would to a pony but I would never buy her one of those either.
It wouldn't happen I don't think, I tend not to buy apart from birthdays christmas etc but even then I have to tell him to stop because she would have three times as much as I agree to.

OP posts:

proudnsad · 20/08/2010 17:43

I don't see why asdx2 should feel bad or pander to dh.
I think buying a £20 gift for child just because she wants it on a fleeting trip to Tesco is outrageous!
It's nothing to do with whether one can afford it or not imo.
I would be seething too OP and wouldn't have relented either.
Not great she sensed all the tension and now knows she can play you off against each other admittedly but we're all human! I'd really try to sort this one out and work out a compromise going forward.

Original poster

asdx2 · 20/08/2010 17:48

The united front is something I always ask him to do but what generally happens is if it is something he doesn't want any of them to do he says "mummy says no" rather than be unpopular.
I'm not harsh or mean usually I just have very different boundaries to dh.
He is immensely proud of all our children, he acknowledges they behave well, they work hard and are good company but he cannot grasp that they are who they are because they have had rules and boundaries. Yet the children who really annoy him are the children who have experienced ways similar to dh's ideas.
We row, he acknowledges that he doesn't like to be unpopular, he will say he'll do better next time and then it will happen all over again.Drives me mad at times.

OP posts:

atswimtwolengths · 20/08/2010 17:50

I'd just tell her to remember to put it on her letter to Father Christmas. The idea that she should have it just because she wants it at that moment is ridiculous! And he should know that, for god's sake!

BootyMum · 20/08/2010 17:53

I think that communication and compromise will be very important here. It seems as if you and husband perhaps feel very differently about this issue... Perhaps due to backgrounds and family experiences of what having 'enough' means...?
But I feel that you need to sit down together and find a compromise that is workable for you both. It probably means that both of you won't get your way entirely in regard to the solution... It will probably mean that you will end up buying more than you would like for your DD and your DH will feel that it is not enough. But you need to both give a little and allow the other room for their opinion and way of doing things. I know this is not easy to do and will probably require some discussion and compromise. But will be worth it in the end in that both of you will feel your opinion is valued and will benefit your DD in the long term by her feeling secure in the fact that Mummy and Daddy are a united and strong unit.

Original poster

asdx2 · 20/08/2010 18:03

I believe I do compromise a lot already because they all have far more than I would have wanted them to have if it was left to me alone.
It is down to our backgrounds you are right there. Dh was indulged every day of his life whereas when I was small money was tight so didn't get nearly as much in terms of toys and gifts.
I don't remember feeling hard done by because I had parents who liked to spend time with me whereas dh's parents were quite distance and he needed more things to keep him busy.
I'm a SAHM so spend lots of time playing and having fun with dd. She is happier making things (like I used to do with my mum) than playing with the numerous toys she has already.
This afternoon she has made a jewellery box with stuff from the craft box and never mentioned the Disney rubbish.
It's been like this from the beginning but seems worse now because dd is our youngest and he wants to give her everything she wants even more than he did with the others

OP posts:

foureleven · 20/08/2010 18:06

Sounds like he should be being bought disney princesses! What a baby. And thoroughly disrespectful to contradict and undermine you not only in public but to your DD.

mumeeee · 20/08/2010 18:31

Telling your DH that he wasn't allowed to buy your DD a toy is treating him like a child, Yes he was being a bit childish but he is a aprent to your children, You should sit down together and discuss what you want to happen with your children, One parent should not be telling the other they are not allowed to buy something

Original poster

asdx2 · 20/08/2010 18:44

I agree I shouldn't have to tell him not to buy another toy for dd but I think commonsense should prevail. Dd was bought a toy by dh on each of our days away (without comment from me because we were on a break away from home). In 8 days time she will be on holiday and dh will buy her toys most if not every day.
We popped in for fruit and veg bread and milk, I didn't think for a minute considering how much he has spent on dd in the last couple of days he would consider yet another toy.
Dd already has more toys than she knows what to do with, we have no more room and I am fed up of trying to find storage for them, fed up of carting loads to charity shops to make room for even more.

OP posts:

BootyMum · 20/08/2010 20:40

Have you sat down with DH and told him this is how you feel and why? Does he know that you are running out of room and that you have to take toys to the charity shop - sorry I know this seems obvious but he may be oblivious to it!
Is the money being spent a problem, I understand that you feel it is a waste but was wondering if his spending is causing you problems financially? If it is is he aware of this?
I know that you perhaps feel that you have already told him what's what but it seems that you may have reached a stalemate as a couple. Rather than both of you retreating into resentment and sulking perhaps you could make the effort to understand each others point of view and reach a compromise somehow... Sorry to keep beating the same drum but if things carry on the way they are nothing will really change as both of you sound quite capable of digging your heels in...

I was also wondering if it possible that what is fuelling the resentment is a sense of your respective backgrounds and point of views being criticised by the other. You say he makes you the baddie for being mean with money and you say that DH was "indulged every day of his life". However what both of you are trying to do with your daughter is to show her love the way you were as children. You would prefer to spend time with your daughter than spend money on her [as your parents did with you] whilst your DH perhaps feels that his parents demonstrated their love with toys, etc. This is what he knows and he wants to be able to do the same for his daughter. Neither of you are wrong per se but just trying to do the best by your child in the different ways that it was shown to you as children.

Original poster

asdx2 · 20/08/2010 21:15

We have been married 25 years.Dd was a bit of a surprise addition and is very much treasured. We have never really agreed on how much the children should have BUT it was bearable with the older ones being close in age because the indulgences were shared about. The oldest two are independent and the middle too are almost 16 and 18 so are well out of toys but have all the gadgets they wish for.Dd is wonderful and I can cope with her having as much as each of the others had but left to dh she would have fourfold.
It's not the money, we are comfortable, it's just I am embarrassed by how much dd has. I cringe when she has playdates and her friends gape at just how much stuff she has. One of them said it was like Woolworths a couple of years ago
I already feel that dd is indulged in so far as she has a houseful of adults (or near adults) happy to spend time with her and entertain her I don't think she needs more than that.
Maybe it's because I didn't have that much but I look at all her stuff and find it obscene that a 7 yr has so much.
She asks because it is a habit that dh encourages more than because she actually desires the things.She can spend hours with pens and paper and nothing else and likes simple pleasures like baking and painting with me so the piles of toys aren't even necessary.
Maybe dh does see it as showing his love but he spends time with her and she very obviously loves him and enjoys talking with him (they don't need the toys either).
We will have to compromise but we are at opposite poles so it's going to have to be a huge compromise on both sides.

OP posts:

Curiousmama · 23/08/2010 08:35

I hope you get it sorted agree she is being spoilt and it won't help in the long run.

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