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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to hate this "toughen up" etc mentality towards boys?

53 replies

DetectivePotato · 20/08/2010 10:02

Luckily I don't know that many people who are like it but there are 2 mums in particular who have this attitude towards their DS's.

I have heard one of them (a friend of mine) say to her DS (2.4) on several occasions "oh xxx toughen up" and "man up" when he gets a bit 'wingey' etc. He is a bit clingy and cries over every tiny knock but my friend doesn't help this as if he does something minor, she rushes over and hugs him, picks him up etc when he is fine really. But then she tells him he needs to toughen up. Hmm We were all at a party (childs) recently and this boys dad took a toy tiara off his DS and said "you are not playing with that" as is he had done something really wrong. Another friends DH commented on the fact that my DS was pushing a pushchair around. At first I was really confused as to why he was referring to this, then I realised it was because he is a boy with a pushchair.

Another mum is always calling her DS (nearly 3)a wimp and to look at so and so and see that he isn't being a wimp etc.

I hate this. It makes me feel really bad for the child to be told they are wimps etc. I remember being called a wimp by my grandad and dad and it was awful. I just felt so inadequate.

OP posts:
Ripeberry · 20/08/2010 10:08

I think there are lots of parents like that out there, especially men when it comes to their boys playing with girls toys.

Very unecessary as boys need to express their 'nurturing' skills and no it does NOT mean they will turn gay.

It actually shows the prejudice of the parents Hmm.
And the mums who want their DS to be 'tough' and manly, well just don't come crying to us a few years down the road when your DS does not show much 'caring'.

elmofan · 20/08/2010 10:09

YANBU i hate this type of attitude too tbh .
Hmm @ calling her ds a wimp .

knickers0nmyhead · 20/08/2010 10:10

My ds always plays with pushchairs. Personally I see nothing wrong with ds being himself.

YANBU.

TonariNoTotoro · 20/08/2010 10:11

YANBU, my Dad does this with DS and I hate it :(

BarmyArmy · 20/08/2010 10:12

Whilst I was growing up, my Father would occasionally say things like, "Are you a man or a mouse??".

Even at an early age, I used to think, "I'm a boy, you kn*b".

I didn't grow up feeling inadequate, just resentful of my Father and resolute to not do the same to my children, if ever I had any.

It's not a nice aspect of parenting but some people (often men) are scared of the idea that their children will not become independent and will be 'push-overs' in life. This might be a reasonable aspiration but I don't think this is the way to go about it!

Lizzylou · 20/08/2010 10:12

My boys are a lovely mixture of soft and rough, I don't get why people try and mould their kids so much.
Just let them be.

2 years old and being told to toughen up? Bonkers, he is a baby still.

Original poster
DetectivePotato · 20/08/2010 10:19

My DS is a nice mixture too. I have no problem with him playing with a pushchair. It usually has cars in it. He goes mad and runs around booting balls and shouting as loud as he can. He will also sit quietly and look at books.

This is his personality and I wouldn't want to try and chage that.

My cousin also pointed out before that DS shouldn't have Rosie from the Thomas and friends trains as she was pink. Hmm Emily must be ok then as she is dark green.

OP posts:
BuntyPenfold · 20/08/2010 10:23

I have often thought how it is boys told to toughen up etc and there are many more males than females with mental health problems.

StableButDeluded · 20/08/2010 10:24

I can't stand it either. My childminder once jokily told my DS (who was three at the time) that he'd have to toughen up a bit and it made my hackles rise. Admittedly he has always been a little sensitive, but I reckon that's not necessarily a bad thing, and he's got 70 years of life in which to 'toughen up' if necessary!

And as for those people who think boys playing with dolls and girls playing with trains is wrong...words fail me. They're just toys.

I feel so sorry for the little boy whos mum calls him a wimp Sad

BeenBeta · 20/08/2010 10:26

DS1 and DS2 both used to have a tendency to cry off at the slightest knock. Severe injury and slight scrape all resulted in the same volume of pain response. Nots so much now they are 8 and 10 years old.

Me and DW always check to see if they are OK and judge whether they are really hurt or just need to be encouraged to 'get on with it'. We dont rush over to omfort and we dont tell them to 'man up' but encourage sensible responses to discomfort.

I would certainly not take a tiara off a boy or scold him for pushing a pushcair. DS2 was very keen on making necklaces at one point and now he isnt. Its just a process of growing up.

BarmyArmy - my Dad was the same. No emotion allowed. Men are only allowed to be a certain way and do certain things. Made him feel uncomfortable otherwise. Still does.Hmm

StableButDeluded · 20/08/2010 10:27

I forgot to add DS (now 5) likes me to paint his finger and toenails. Blue is his favourite. Obviously, he's going to grow up to be outrageously camp and effeminate. Arf!

AlgebraRocksMySocks · 20/08/2010 10:29

Sad and Angry at the OP. YANBU at all! and IMO it's just as harmful when parents 'soften up' their girls.

I have a 3.2yo DD and DS is nearly 1, they are both very affectionate but also both love rough and tumble. they are of course both utterly perfect :o

why on earth would I want DD to lose her energetic boisterous side, or DS to lose his love of cuddles and kisses? the mind boggles Confused

BuntyPenfold · 20/08/2010 10:29

My Dad was a lovely father to us girls, but told my son (aged 8) not to hug him - men shake hands.
They hadn't met for sveral months and my son ran up to hug him, and was literally held off :(

Original poster
DetectivePotato · 20/08/2010 10:36

Thats awful Bunty

I love hugging my DS and I hope I still will be able to when he's older (as long as he doesn't push me away). I still hug my brothers and they are 19 and 20.

OP posts:
lolapoppins · 20/08/2010 10:45

I hate that attitude towards boys.

My ds loved his toy pushchairs and toys cars in equal measures as a toddler.

Now he is seven, and still loves his (hundreds of!) teddy bears, talks to them, hugs them, takes them to bed, makes up voices for them - but he is also obsessed with Lego bionicles.

He loves hugs and kisses from me and dh, and is affectionate towards our cats and dogs.

We are always getting told by a couple of twats that dh works with that ds should 'toughen up'. They have boys the same age, who are into wrestling etc, and while ds will play that to a point, he doesn't like that sort of play.

They think it's very funny that ds likes hanging round with girls as well, and that he does music/dancing/drama and has zero in football at all (but I gues that mainly because dh hates sports and never
watches any and has never kicked a ball in his life).

I think my ds has a really good balance actually.

BuntyPenfold · 20/08/2010 10:46

Actually on Mother's Day I proved I can still carry my DS although he is 6' 2" and 25 years old :)

Original poster
DetectivePotato · 20/08/2010 10:48

How? Seriously! Grin

lola oh no! Not friends with girls. Boys must only be friends with boys surely. Wink

OP posts:
BuntyPenfold · 20/08/2010 10:49

detective yes , I still hug mine and he is far from wet

lola your son sounds lovely too

BuntyPenfold · 20/08/2010 10:51

Yes, but I only carried him across the kitchen - just proving he is still my little boy :)

elmofan · 20/08/2010 10:51

My ds (11) was badly bullied last year & the head told me "he needs to toughen up" & accused me of "mollycoddling him" He was beaten up & kicked in the head by two boys FFS .

SqueezyB · 20/08/2010 10:53

I heard a dad telling his 2 yo to 'man up' at the playground yesterday, trying to make him climb up a ladder on the climbing frame that was clearly too big for him, just cos his friend's little boy had done it. Kinda glad I've got girls!

lolapoppins · 20/08/2010 11:01

Detectivepotato - It's not just adults that have a problem with most of ds friends being girls, it's other boys too. There was a phase earlier this year where a few boys were calling him gay and really taunting him, especially when they found out about all his dance and drama activities.

Luckily, ds has a real sense of self belief and none of the taunting bothered him. He said to me that if all the girls like him, it will be so much easier to get a girlfriend (becuase if he fanicies a girl he will be friends with all her friends so they will put a good word in!) and boys who think girls are yuk are the weirdos, he said he thought it was very sad to not be friends with someone nice just because you don't want to be friends with a girl, you might miss out on a good friend.

I thought that was really sweet, and I am proud that he thinks that way.

ihearthuckabees · 20/08/2010 11:22

lolapoppins, my DS (8) also still loves all his soft toys, and takes them to bed. He still has his toy push chair (which is pink because it was the only colour I could get at the time) and occassionally still plays with it. But he is into sports too, like football, and is lego mad. (And won't admit to liking any girls, even though he does like them and quite often plays with them if they're around.)

I agree with the poster who hates the fact girls are not allowed to be rough and tumble. I think the clothes a lot of them wear has a lot to do with it. How can girls run around in strappy sandals and frilly skirts? It's daft. Stick them in jeans and trainers like the boys. And don't get me started on party clothes...

germl · 20/08/2010 11:22

YANBU - it is terrible that the mother is calling her DS a wimp - sure that'll do wonders for his confidence later in life.

My DS is a bundle of energy - shouting, running, loves cars and helicopters. However, he also loves cuddling up with teddies and reading a book quietly and dragging a doll around when the mood takes him.

His favourite person to cuddle up with is my dad - my mum is really jealous! Luckily, my dad loves it and encourages the cuddles, as does everyone else. Surprisingly my DH got quite upset when my DS had one nail painted pink by a family member and insisted it was taken off - I was shocked as I thought my DH would be the last person to comment (this is a man who still kisses his dad goodbye on the cheek in public) and told him in no uncertain terms that he was not to behave like that again, it wasn't like our son was going to turn out gay because of one painted nail and what would it matter anyway! Grrrr! I was angry and embarrassed at his attitude!

horatia · 20/08/2010 11:31

YANBU