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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want my 8 yr old DS to go to the park alone with his 5 yr old cousin?

58 replies

MrsFC · 20/08/2010 07:07

Good morning all,

I was having a discussion with my SIL last night and she was saying that she would be happy to let her DS go to her local park with no adults if my DS was with her. Her park is in the middle of the country and there are no raods to cross to get there and apparently it's only a little bit further than the end of the garden, but cannot be seen from the house.

I said quite DEFINITELY NOT. I would be worried about strangers and also who would be there if one of them fell off a piece of apparatus and hurt themselves. I am also uncomfortable with my 8 yr old having the responsibility of being in charge.

She said I WBU, and didn't I want my child to have the freedom I had when I was young. Now I live in London & she lives in the countryside, so have I forgotten what is the norm & developed an unreasonable fear or am I right to not let them go?

Looking forward with interst to your thoughts...

OP posts:

twopeople · 20/08/2010 07:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Furball · 20/08/2010 07:20

I would say this is a good opportunity for your ds to have some freedom. he's going to have to start soon and this seems quite 'a safe' way to start?

If the park is not too far away - you could invest in some walkie talkies so could just contact them/you anytime? or an old mobile phone?

You could start leaving them for 15 mins one time then 20 the next etc if you're still unsure.

Not sure about the 5 year old mind but I assume they know the park well....but if your SIL is fine with it.....

benbenandme · 20/08/2010 07:21

YANBU, I owuldn't let mine go unsupervised when he's 8 either, too many risks in my view. A sad state to live in, and yes it would be lovely to have the freedom we had as kids, but unfortunately its not like that any more

Catrinm · 20/08/2010 07:28

But Benben, your child is s no more likely to be abused/ killed than we were. It's just the perception that there is a serial killer behind every tree.

Having said that I'd let the 8 year old and not 5 year old unless the five year old was super grown up.

sickoftheholidays · 20/08/2010 07:36

I would let the 8 year old go on their own, but not if he is expected to look after the 5 year old. He is too young for that sort of responsibility.
If there are no roads its not a massive risk, if, as you say its not much further than the end of the garden.

Original poster

MrsFC · 20/08/2010 07:37

To be fair, the 5 year old IS exceptionally mature, but my son is not, more like a typical 8 year old boy!

cat, I agree that there are no more serial killers than 30 years ago, just that they are more publicised maybe. But even so, they still exist, and even the chance of one in five thousand is enough to make me nervous. But my SIL thinks I am over reacting .

And I was also worried one might hurt themselves & so the other would have to go and get help leaving the injured one alone...

OP posts:

PosieParker · 20/08/2010 07:41

An 8 year old as the youngest in a group with no adults is one thing, expecting that child to monitor a 5 year old is just too much.

The trouble is that you can't unknow what we all know, we all know that there are paedophile rings, even older children that can lure children away and molest or kill them. Perhaps there is no greater risk but we all know about the risk and so can't ignore it. The thing that stops me allowing my dcs to have so much freedom is that I live in a large city and I couldn't live with myself if I took an unnecessary risk.

justonemorethen · 20/08/2010 07:41

I don't think it's unreasonable for them to go together if it's close to her.
To be honest strangers are less of of an issue then you might imagine in the country. Small parks are usually empty so it would pointless anyone "hanging round".
As for hurting themselves it doesn't sound too far for one of them to go and get your SIL. If you think about what happens if you're at the park they bump themselves, come to you for a hug and then get right back on it.
Do you think SIL is a bit slack generally or is it just this issue?

ifancyashandy · 20/08/2010 07:43

Would let an 8 year old go on their own / with friends. Wouldn't let a 5 year old (nor would I want them to have the responsibility of the 5 year old either)

lifeas3plus1 · 20/08/2010 07:55

In the scenario descriped in your op I would probably be quite happy to let the 8yr old go on his own/with friends.

I wouldn't be happy about him having to supervise a 5yr old though so I don't think YABU about that part.

fabsoopergroovy · 20/08/2010 08:07

YANBU - you would never, ever forgive yourself if anything happened - why put yourself in that position?

Seona1973 · 20/08/2010 08:15

my nearly 7 year old goes to the little playpark two houses up from our house along with her nearly 4 year old brother. I cant see them from the house. I have had an occasion when ds (the 3 year old) came back because his big sister was stuck in the baby swing. I think an 8 year old and a 5 year old are perfectly capable of going to the local park unsupervised.

HSMM · 20/08/2010 08:19

Your SIL is just annoyed because you won't let your son be her 5 yr old's unpaid babysitter. I would let him go with another 8 yr old, but not to be responsible for a 5 yr old.

Emo76 · 20/08/2010 08:53

YANBU
I echo some of the other responses. I don't think it sounds sensible to give your son the responsibility of looking after his couisn - he's only eight.

LynetteScavo · 20/08/2010 08:55

YANBU

Obviously.

ChippingIn · 20/08/2010 09:00

I would let an 8 year old go to the park with a friend and I might let a 5 year old go with a friend (depending on the child, location, area etc etc) and I would be happier with the 5yo going with an 8yo - but not in this situation where your SIL thinks your DS should be responsible for her 5 year old, if anything happened she would blame your DS and he's too young for that.

Mowgli1970 · 20/08/2010 09:02

YANBU. I'd let the 8 year old go to the park with friends, but not as a babysitter for a 5 year old. That's too much responsibility.

expatinscotland · 20/08/2010 09:07

Well, I'm not okay with an 8-year-old going on his/her own to a park. I don't buy all this 'It's good for them' British BS and we live in a semi-rural area. I think a lot of people big up 'playing out' because they can't be arsed with their own children.

Nowt to do with 'stranger danger' and everything to do with the fact that 8 is still a fairly young child.

They have their whole lives to have 'freedom'. 8-years-old is too young, IMO.

LOL @ 'exceptionally mature' 5-year-old.

It'd be a no from me.

spiritmum · 20/08/2010 09:10

YANBU.

What does your son do if his young cousin has a tantrum and storms off or refuses to co-operate? what happens if there is an accident - your son can't administer first aid. It's very unfair to expect an 8 yr old to hav eos much responsibility. Added to that thsi isn't his home area; my dc at least know their way around, where they can go for help and recognise people that we might see out and about.

I too live in a village and the park is mostly empty, which makes it more dangerous as there is no-one to see if anything happens. My personal concern aside from accidents is not so much adults as other bored (possibly older) children wanting a 'laugh'. Nothing lasting, but the kind of thing that really knocks a child's confidence and leaves them feeling insecure.

Is it possible that your sil is seeing the chance for a bit of free babysitting?

lody · 20/08/2010 09:38

Just ask youself : how would you cope if your child disappeared or fell in the hands of a peadophile ? are your ready to take that risk ?

This is what could easily happen in today's world. So take responsibility as a mother as opposed to giving to your son an take him to the park. Dont forget that an 8 year old child is not a teenager but a child. Once the damage is done, it is done.

lowrib · 20/08/2010 10:06

If the reason you're not letting them go is because you have concerns that giving your DS responsibility for looking after a 5 year old is a bad idea, then YANBU.

If however your main concern is stranger danger then YABU IMO. The risk is no different to when we were young. By protecting your DC from this very small risk, you run the much more bigger risk of them being over-protected and therefore more likely to get into trouble of one sort or another in the big wide world, once they finally get make it out there on their own.

At 9 I used to travel from London to Cardiff on my own. (Just one train, I was met at either end). At 10, I got a plane on my own from America to London. It was acceptable then, I suspect not so much now.

The plane was actually diverted and didn't land in Heathrow, but Frankfurt! My mum was besides herself with worry, but I was fine, as she'd brought me up to be independent and confident. I did what I was told (the stewardesses put me with a tour group, we boarded a later flight home, no problem).

But I digress.

Would you let him go if it was two 8 year olds?

Ripeberry · 20/08/2010 10:22

It is in the countryside, not the middle of a city. Why not use walkie talkies or just check up on them every 15 mins or so?

We are all so worried about things happening, but in truth it's not just the 'accident or incident' that happens to the child, but people are more scared of what other people will think, sad but true

We are raising a generation of children who don't know how to manage risk or build a sense of responsibility.

God at that age I was in the woods all by myself ALL day in the summer holidays and I got out of scrappes and situations by using my wits.

There is no adventure in the world anymore , just health and safety gone mad.

coraltoes · 20/08/2010 10:23

I would never let an 8 yr old play in a park unsupervised. It isn't just stranger danger, but what if he fell and injured himself, would the 5 yr old know how to fetch help? What if the danger was from other kids, bullying or something...i do not see how it is so hard for a parent to go along, take a book and keep an eye on them.

I was brought up in London and never ever allowed to play in a park without an adult there, nor were my friends. It is common sense.
As for flying on your own, I did do that, as I was looked after by the air hostess- an adult not an 8 yr old who took me from my parents and delivered me to my waiting family at the other airport. It doesn't have to be a parent present, but a responsible adult or even teen in your situation with the park.

spiritmum · 20/08/2010 10:31

Totally agree, Coral. I have no real fear of stranger gdanger for my kids despite someone trying to abduct me from my own back garden when I was a child. But I do remember being assaulted a couple of times in our locla park by other children and that is what worries me.

Which brings me onto something slightly off topic...we need to remember to let our kids know that it in unacceptable for anyone to do anything to them, not just adults. I told about the man who tried to get me to go off with him but not the boys in the park, because I'd learned from school and from my parents that children bullying is put down to a 'normal part of childhood' an dthat 'you have to stand up for yourself'. So I had this idea that there was one rule for adults and one for children, even when it came to mugging and sexual assault.

atswimtwolengths · 20/08/2010 10:32

You'd be crazy to let an eight year old be responsible for a five year old! Your SIL is being lazy and irresponsible - SHE is the one who should be with her child!

And for those who say there are the same number of murderers and sex offenders now as several decades ago - I just don't believe that. People say offences weren't reported then - of course they were! Sexual attacks within families might not have been in the newspapers, but murders, rapes and kidnappings were certainly reported.

And hasn't she heard of Sarah Payne?

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