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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not care

29 replies

Ryoko · 19/08/2010 20:57

It's been 3 months since my son was born and I still don't care, his father wants a kiss and a cuddle, I don't care, I'm never in the mood I have other things on my mind, my son is my world.

haven't had sex for 4 months and I couldn't care less.

Is that normal?, I'm still trying to tidy up the flat and keep everything clean, DETOL is my friend don't want my little sweet-ems living in filth.

OP posts:
cupofcoffee · 19/08/2010 21:03

I think it is very common not to care about sex for a while after having a baby.

StealthPolarBear · 19/08/2010 21:06

It's (IME only) common not to care about sex but are you OK in general? Do you feel like you're not coping with cleaning? Are you still enjoying spending time with your DP? Does he spend time with your DS?

StealthPolarBear · 19/08/2010 21:07

Feel free to tell me to butt out btw! but you don't sound as though everything's quite right

LittleBlueEllly · 19/08/2010 21:16

My ds is nearly 8 months & I hav'nt had sex for over a year & I dont miss it either.

A nice harmless cuddle up on the sofa would be nice though after baby is in bed.

PotPourri · 19/08/2010 21:18

normal but not necessarily right. Are things ok otherwise, and are you talking about it with each other?

Lulumaam · 19/08/2010 21:20

i think there is something ever so slightly off kilter about your post that is making me a tiny bit concerned

are you cleaning obsessively?
are you shutting out everyone?

are you sleeping /eating normally? well, sleeping as well as you can with a little baby !

pozzled · 19/08/2010 21:37

YANBU to not want sex- thats entirely normal. But you make it sound as though you don't want any physical affection at all- are you still close to your partner? Are you supporting each other and talking to each other openly? It does sound as though you're not entirely happy with how things are.

Original poster
Ryoko · 20/08/2010 12:46

No I don't really want any affection from him I just don't care, it's like all my emotions/affections 100% of them have been transfered to my son.

The strange thing is I dream about sex but when I'm awake, no thanks.

I don't run around with the Detol all day, I probably only do cleaning up for about 30 mins to an hour a day, it's just my son and keeping the place nice are now the two main things I'm interested in, everything else I really couldn't care less about (I think the cleaning up is because I think he's going to start crawling any min and I want everything ready and out the way).

OP posts:
thelunar66 · 20/08/2010 12:48

My son goes to university this autumn.... Hmm

YANBU

Morloth · 20/08/2010 12:49

Ryoko this is going to get me flamed, but I haven't seen a single post from you where I haven't though "How odd, I wonder what is up with her?".

Have you changed a lot since having your DS?

LynetteScavo · 20/08/2010 12:52

I was thinking the same as Morloth, but didn't dare say it.

Angelcat666 · 20/08/2010 13:08

Ryoko are you okay?

It's normal not to want sex but as others have said there's something that sounds not quite right.

Maybe you should see your G.P.?

Original poster
Ryoko · 20/08/2010 13:10

Nope and I think you lot are strange.

I sleep fine, he's out cold by 10pm and doesn't wake up til 8am, infact he spends most the time asleep.

His dad works, leaves the house at half 7 in the morning and comes back half 6 at night, he's ok with him, likes to play with him but he can't stand screaming, it seems to piss him off (I can ignore it) sometimes he gets all pissy and shouts at him which I don't like I have to tell him to sod off and calm down, infact half the time he acts like a big kid.

He does change his nappies, but he doesn't really feed him much because he doesn't like his dad feeding him for some reason (he's been bottle fed since day 1).

He's all ways been a bit pissy about things, when he gets pissed off he mopes about sulking refusing to let someone else do it (what ever it maybe) like a five year old "no, I'm not being pissy sod off" etc.

OP posts:
Morloth · 20/08/2010 13:14

Ryoko "Nope and I think you lot are strange."

Fair enough, you are allowed to be a bit odd.

Be careful you don't create an "Us and Them" thing with your DS and your DH.

Looks over shoulder at Lynette and Angel, I didn't gain that much weight with DS2 you know, only room for one, sort it out amongst yourselves.

BlueFergie · 20/08/2010 13:17

Hes three months and you think he's going to start crawling any minute......wow that advanced!!

Think you need to talk DP/DH (you don't refer to him as anything but baby's dad) and create some initimacy other than sex. You both seem like you are isolating yourselves from each other. Becoming a new parent is tough for both people.

Mowiol · 20/08/2010 13:24

It would be very easy for a wedge to be driven between you and your husband if you don't even want to have a kiss or cuddle. Whilst it's entirely reasonable for you not to want to take things any further yet, your husband may be feeling very isolated and frankly unwanted. That may account for his moods just now.
If he feels more and more isolated you might drive him away.
That's only my opinion of course as an outsider.

Original poster
Ryoko · 20/08/2010 13:25

I tend to refer to him as fiance online but as I can't spell it properly and the spell checker offers nothing other then pointing out that it's wrong, someone on here would jump down my neck for it.

I hate all the DH, DS, DD crap, to me DS = Nintendo Duel Screen, DH = Duck Hunt and DD is Dynamite Duke. despite my vast knowledge of shortened game titles I still think people are talking about fish when they go on about COD tho.

OP posts:
TheFallenMadonna · 20/08/2010 13:27

Ooh - is that what DS stands for in Nintendo DS. I never knew!

BlingLoving · 20/08/2010 13:29

YANBU but this is concerning. Not so much that you don't want sex, but that you don't seem to care or to feel any sense of responsibility or love towards your DP. You both have a DS - not just you - and you're a family now so I would be worried that you seem to be thinking about things as being just you and DS and not you, DP and DS.

Perhaps you should talk to DP and ask him how he feels or make an effort to do something together - even if you don't feel like it - to see how it feels? Something as simple as planning and eating a proper meal or something similar?

sanielle · 20/08/2010 13:32

Have you told all this to your Gp or your midwife?

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 20/08/2010 13:38

Ryoko I went off the idea of sex after I'd had DS, so I don't think there is anything 'wrong' in that on it's own. What is important though is is you and your fiance maintain a relationship as a couple during this time. Do you think of yourself as a family, or do you think of youself as 'Mum to DS'?

BlueFergie · 20/08/2010 13:38

As far as I know you are spelling it correctly. technically as it is a french word it should have a little dash on top of the e but I doubt anyone on here would jump down your neck for it!! Probably why english spell check is not providing an answer to it.

Anyway think it would do you no harm to talk to a GP or HV about how you are feelings towards your fiance. You do seem a bit detached and it is better to act now then let things get worse. Are you feeling happy and content or are you often anxious?

ChocolateMoose · 20/08/2010 14:01

It's normal to go off sex when you've had a baby, it's normal for couples to row more, and it's normal for the dad to feel a bit left out / mum to resent that he's not doing enough. But you say 100% of your emotions and affections have been transferred to your son. In my opinion that's not normal. I think your fiance must be feeling pretty lonely.

Original poster
Ryoko · 20/08/2010 14:02

I think I feel like I'm the head of a small family with two kids.

OP posts:
Lulumaam · 20/08/2010 20:39

why are we all strange?

you asked if you were being unreasonable, so you know, you got responses

It is a little concerning you hvae transferred 100 % of your attention and affection to your son.

although it sounds like your partner can be a bit irritating with his sulks, you need to be careful not to freeze him out of yours and DSs life. that's your son, not your nintendo.