to think his ex is being a bit mean really.....

[Ladyanonymous]

OH and I have 3 kids each. OH is in the forces and will be away for 10 months next year - he has his DC's at my house as he can't have them at his base where he lives in the week.

He has no formal access arrangements with either of his kids mothers due to him going away for long periods - his accomadation etc etc etc, but pays both maintenance. He and his DS's mum split up years ago and she is fine about him seeing his DS whenever he wants.

His DD's mum only ever really lets him have them when its convinient for her - meaning whenever he asks to have them (usually a few months in advance) she usually says no although will ask him to have them with a few days notice - knowing he'll drop everything (often plans we have together) as he just wants to see them as much as he can before he goes and doesn't know when he'll be "allowed" to see them again. She also messed up our plans at Easter last minute meaning we had to spend a weeks leave apart - and has recently taken to "accidently" sending him suggestive texts which are apparently meant for "someone else" .

OH's DD's live about 400 miles away from his DS. They have not seen each other for over a year because of all the circumstances mentioned above. I live about 150 miles from his DD's. His DS is coming to stay with us for the next two weeks and he has asked several times if he can see his DD's during his leave period and if they can come and stay while he is here so he can have all 3 of his children together in one place and they can all see their siblings - for the first and last time in a couple of years.

She has repeatedly said no due to the fact she says she has friend staying with her for two weeks who has a son (who is an only child) who will get lonely if her girls come away here (we have asked to have them for a weekend or just a couple of days and he will do all the transporting). She has no fixed plans with her friend.

AIBU to feel really angry and sad for my OH and his kids and to feel that she IBU not to let them come for a couple of days to see their brother and to think the reason is quite frankly lame. Surely that is more important than her friends son? Esp as this will be the last chance until the year after next. I feel really really upset for them as the last time they came they thought their big brother would be here and were so disapointed that he wasn't.

But I don't know how your OH has treated his ex, but she sounds very angry.

If you have children by more than one woman and then move on, you can't expect all the mothers to play ball and let you see the children when it is convenient to you, maintenance payments or not (I would have thought maintenance payments would have been a given. You don't buy access to your DC)

I only mentioned the maintenance in case he was accused of not taking responsibility.

I think thats a bit harsh Lynette - lots of relationships break up?! His DS's mum moved on with another guy while he was away at sea and left him so its not like hes gone shagging around without looking back?!

Lynette - that's a bit harsh. They aren't asking for much, to allow the DD's to spend some time with their brother :(

OP - is there anyway he can get formal access arrangement as per his leave schedule or something?? She's being very vindictive and the kids are missing out, it's sad for OH & the kids (and you) and it's so unnecessary.

But even if you only have DC with one woman, and then leave her, you can't expect her never to be awkward...she's obviously still very hurt.

At the expense of the kids?

And he didn't leave her - not that it matters. The relationship ended and it was her decision - thats irrelevant anyway as the only people who matter are 3 siblings who just want to see each other.

ChippingIn - Is really hard to do esp as we don't know where he'll be posted when he gets back so he can't honour it IYSWIM.

I think that the only thing your DP can do is go to court and get formalised arrangements in place that take into account his job (as he obviously has non control over when he has to go away).
Failing that, if I was in your DPs position I would try to leave the forces asap (alternative job permitting) and then get legally enforced access to the children.
Perhaps threatening his ex with that, might be enough to get her to co-operate. It really is in the best interests of the DC to see and have a relationship with each other and their dad

i think he needs to get another job whilst his children are young and need him around. Then he could get, and stick to a court agreement. I really cant see any other way round this.

LA - Karma might be onto something here.

Maybe he needs to tell her that he's had enough and as she isn't prepared to be more accomodating when he is on leave, he has decided to leave the forces and that whatever job he can get wont be as well paid so the maintenance payments will go down and he will be going for full custody or at least a 50/50 arrangement.

See how long it takes her to decide a long weekend would be a better option!

He won't be leaving for at least 5 years - and he wouldn't be able to get a job which would pay him enough to continue to pay as much maintenance as he does as he has never done anything else.

He never gets into a row with her but sometimes I wish he would make his point a bit more forcefully as they are his kids too and atm he sees them about once every two months.

Hmmm, well I have an ex who works away months at a time, and let me tell you its just shitty!
The past aside, its a bloody pain not to know when he is around, for him not to have them regularly, to never ever get a fucking break, to have no set routine, but to just have to drop things when he is here because it suits him.
And why on earth should she change her plans, assumably her friend and DC are coming to her AND her DC, not send them away!

Sorry you are being so unreasonable my blood is boiling. Its no fun being a single parent with 24/7 responsibility with an ex who swans in and out, and expects you to work around his life

Chipping thats nice, threaten to go for custody to get your own way

That's what I was thinking, macdoodle.

Mcdoodle - I am a single parent, so I do know what it is like.

My OH does want to see his kids and does ask to have them so she can have a break but she dicks him about. What is he supposed to do? She knew what his job involved when she she chose to marry him and have kids with him?

He earns a lot of money meaning she also gets very generous maintenance (whilst claiming benefits ).

Her friend is staying for two weeks - we are asking for them for a few days within that so they can see thier own brother and dad.

His life pays for hers so I cannot understand why you are so angry?

I'm afraid if I was the mother I would want a consistent approach to him seeing the DD's ie every other weekend or something regular, so that the children know where they are and are able to predict when they will be seeing their Dad again. I would not be accomodating to a irregular arrangement of him seeing them when it suited him - job is irrelevant, maybe when she was married to him she had to accept that was his job and he would be away for times - that goes with being the wife of someone in the forces - but she isn't married to him anymore, therefore why should she have to fit in with when he has leave? He is choosing to stay in the forces, that is great if that is where he is happy and wants to build his career, but he has got to get the hang of the fact that being in the forces does not go well with being a very on-hands parent, because of the nature of the job. As for child maintenance, yes it is good that he is paying it, but it is his responsibility to pay it, irrespective to whether he sees the children or not, the second a man has unprotected sex with a woman, he is signing up to supporting that potential child hopefully physically and emotionally and definately financially for the next 18 years. Your OH is clearly a responsible person because he hasn't even considered evading his financial responsibility. However, I'm sorry, but I think as the Mum is the main care provider for the DD's and the one that has to fix her life around them 95% (or whatever it is) of the time, then he needs to work with her and go with what she wants. I know that may not be convenient to you as a couple or your children or OH's other child, but if he doesn't like it, change jobs, get regular access arrangements, move down the road from where they live and be there for them properly, not when it fits in with his work. Career, money, his relationship with you, all need to take second place to his relationship with his children.

Also as Lynette says - you only know his side of the split up.... my friend did exactly that... left her OH whilst he was away with the forces for six months.. the reason being is he had ignored her, sworn at her, told her he didn't want her, didn't love her and that if she wasn't the mother of his children he wouldn't come home to her each night, and then just before she went he pushed her into a wall in front of the kids..... when she finally got the space of him going away she had a chance to get her head together, she was out with the kids one day and ran into an old boyfriend, broke down and told him what was going on, he offered her a house to crash in if she needed it - kids as well. She took it, they are together and happy now 10 years later. Old boyfriend has worked and financially supported her and her kids completely and raised them, been there for them. Her Ex went around telling everyone she ran off with another man whilst he was away fighting for his country..... and technically yes, she did... but how many people do you think he told the true story to? Do you think he has been upfront with all his future girlfriends about why his wife left him, or played the "She left me and took my kids away" card? I am not saying your bloke is the same of course, clearly I don't know anything about him, but I am saying that you were not there in their marriage, you don't know, you naturally believe every thing he tells you.... BUT it is going to be a biased version... it is impossible for it to be anything else...

I'm sorry, I am sure none of that was the response you wanted, but maybe you need to step back from the situation and look at it without the emotion and the fact that you are naturally going to be defensive of OH and on his side in this.

OMG you are deluded!
His life pays for hers, are you serious?? His money pays for HIS children, get a grip, youre with a man who has 3 children with 2 women, I think maybe you are the one who needs to keep out, as quite frankly it has nothing to do with you whatsoever!

I'm sorry - but he was in the forces when she met him and wanted kids with him so I think to expect him to now quit his career because she decided she didn't want to be with him for whatever reason is ridiculous.

I am not moving my own children 150 miles away because his ex choses to be awkward.

Its a tricky situation but all we are asking is for her to be a little more flexible to make a shit situation a bit easier for akll the kids.

Actually, there is no way I would let my DC stay with my ex at his new partners house. If he wants to see them, he can go there, with his son, stay nearby and make a holiday of it.

My XH says I knew he was a drinker before I married him

Love it you disagree with me so I'm deluded - Thats old Mumsnet chestnut again.

I have 3 kids with 2 different dads too - it happens in life sometimes to lots and lots of people.

Yes I am serious - I have a problem with someone who claims benefits and doesn't declare how much maintenance they get and doesn't work too - he does pay for her life and so do I with my taxes - and I am also a single mum as he does not live with me.

Lynette - quite frankly that is ridiculous.

Why on earth would you not let your kids stay at their dads partners house?

I agree with Lynette, 2nd post.

You seem very angry. I wonder if you are correct in your accusation that she claims benefits as well as maintenance...

Its not an accusation its a fact.

I'm only angry that the kids are missing out.

I thought maintenance didn't affect benefits? How old are the children?

You are only allowed to recieve about £150 mainentance a month if you also recieve income support etc - but thats not really the issue here anyway and is none of my business.

Access is though as it affects us all including my three children and it could be a lot easier for everyone if she would look at the bigger picture and be a little more flexible. She would then get a break too, as next year she won't get a break at all as he won't be here.

The kids don't need to miss out though...they could all see each other if your DP made the effort to go to the DD's with his DS. But then you wouldn't be with him...like at Easter.

I would never let my DC stay in the house of someone I didn't know, possibly with a man I didn't trust. (Although we don't know why his ex left him, you can bet she doesn't think he's perfect)