to think his ex is being a bit mean really.....

[Ladyanonymous]

OH and I have 3 kids each. OH is in the forces and will be away for 10 months next year - he has his DC's at my house as he can't have them at his base where he lives in the week.

He has no formal access arrangements with either of his kids mothers due to him going away for long periods - his accomadation etc etc etc, but pays both maintenance. He and his DS's mum split up years ago and she is fine about him seeing his DS whenever he wants.

His DD's mum only ever really lets him have them when its convinient for her - meaning whenever he asks to have them (usually a few months in advance) she usually says no although will ask him to have them with a few days notice - knowing he'll drop everything (often plans we have together) as he just wants to see them as much as he can before he goes and doesn't know when he'll be "allowed" to see them again. She also messed up our plans at Easter last minute meaning we had to spend a weeks leave apart - and has recently taken to "accidently" sending him suggestive texts which are apparently meant for "someone else" .

OH's DD's live about 400 miles away from his DS. They have not seen each other for over a year because of all the circumstances mentioned above. I live about 150 miles from his DD's. His DS is coming to stay with us for the next two weeks and he has asked several times if he can see his DD's during his leave period and if they can come and stay while he is here so he can have all 3 of his children together in one place and they can all see their siblings - for the first and last time in a couple of years.

She has repeatedly said no due to the fact she says she has friend staying with her for two weeks who has a son (who is an only child) who will get lonely if her girls come away here (we have asked to have them for a weekend or just a couple of days and he will do all the transporting). She has no fixed plans with her friend.

AIBU to feel really angry and sad for my OH and his kids and to feel that she IBU not to let them come for a couple of days to see their brother and to think the reason is quite frankly lame. Surely that is more important than her friends son? Esp as this will be the last chance until the year after next. I feel really really upset for them as the last time they came they thought their big brother would be here and were so disapointed that he wasn't.

MacDoodle - yes, I would be prepared to fight like with like. She isn't allowing her children to see their Dad when he is home. She knew he was in the forces when she married and had children with him, she left. Why should he throw in his job to suit her and if he does, then why shouldn't he apply for custody or shared custody??

Works away - pretty critical to the lifestyle of all involved.

When it suits him - No, when he is home, not posted overseas working.

Swans in and out - No, has to arrange around work

No one said it was fun to have an ex in the forces - but you knew he was in the forces when you had children with him....

Lyn3 - has it occured to you that he is working to support his DD's? That it's not that easy to change 'jobs' when you are in the forces? That if he does get a job outside of the forces his maintenance will go down when his wages go down and I guess she wouldn't like that either.

Lynette - and why would that be?

He isn't perfect Lynette - and neither am I - are you?

She won't let him have the DD's even for the day as he was going to get a hotel room there this weekend or camp with his son - but she has said no.

I don't think it's the OP who is angry actually.

OP - your dp can apply for a prohibited steps/specific issue order if he wishes to get this contact sesion , ie the long weekend. He can do it himself or use a solicitor who practises family law.

For the future I think he does need to be more assertive. As soon as he knows when his leave is he needs to write to the childrens mother stating his leave will be from x to y and giving some options for contact. If this approach doesn't work he should perhaps talk to a solictor about a defined contact order.

With regards to your plans changing at short notice, I know it's shit sometimes but that's part of being a blended family.
We have had some similar issues and we sorted them by being matter of fact and giving as much notice as possible to allow contact dates to be arranged.

Lots of people applying their own bitter experiences to this situation and funnily enough, falling out with one another accordingly.

To the OP, from the way you have described things, I think this woman is being difficult and rather selfish, not to let all the children be with their Dad together.

I know why you mentioned the maintenance - of course, it should be paid regardless of contact - but so many mothers withdraw contact between Fathers and their children (often in the hope that the Father will just b*gger off), that it has sadly become quite normal for contact/maintenance to be linked...if not in the eyes of the law, then certainly by those paying/receiving it.

I hope your OH is able to resolve this.

Eh? Why do you and your children need to move 150 miles away because his ex chooses to be awkward?? I don't understand - you are not married or have set up household together, I thought - I thought you said he lived on base and stayed at YOUR house at weekends? My suggestion was that HE needs to move nearer to his DD's so that he could be there consistently for them, HIM not YOU. HE needs to prioritise his children, as I said and that comes ABOVE his career AND ABOVE his relationship with you.....I'm sorry, if that's a crappy thing to hear, but at the end of the day I am damned sure you (and any decent woman) would put the happiness and well being of their children ABOVE their husband/partner/boyfriend and I would fully expect any decent man to do the same thing. If he needs to be in place A to provide the best possible situation for his children, then that's where HE needs to be and if you need to be in place B to provide the best possible situation for your children then that's where YOU need to be and if place A and B are not the same place, you have two choices - make the relationship work long distance or don't have the relationship. That's how it needs to be until they are all at least 18, that's what you signed up for when you had them.

He cannot move when he has no control over where he will be and no he will not give up his career to bend to her inflexibility - I think your suggestions are very extreme when all he and I want is for there to be some middle ground rather than her always having it her own way at the expense of all 6 kids.

If his kids live 400 miles apart how on earth can he live near all of them anyway?

And wherever he is we do have a long distance relationship so I am not sure what you are trying to say there?

I too think he should go to court for contact on the weekend in question.
He is going to be away for a year and the children have a right to a relationship with each other as well as their dad.

The friend can rebook. And in reality all he is asking for is a weekend out of the friends 2 week visit to his ex so I;m sure the friend's child will manage for a couple of days on their own.

I really don't think it's too much to ask for and I think a court would feel the same. If he's prepared to do it.

He could use a sol, but they can be expensive. He can also do the paperwork himself. Contact Fnf (families need fathers) who will be able to advise on what paperwork is needed and how to go about it. And look into getting a McKenzie's friend to help him and come to court. Find an experienced one (if you ask on Fnf you'll probably get a recommendation - I recommend Ruth if you can get her, or she will point you at someone else if she can't).

McKenzie's friends charge for expenses, traveling costs and the like, but it's nothing like what a sol would charge him.

hi
sorry if sound bit dim but found your post confusing. Do you each have 3 kids and are any of the 6 in total kids you have kids you had together? just find it rather strange that you are obviously in a long term commited relationship with this man(ie you feel can comment freely on his exs behaviour) and yet you claim you dont live together?
My mate(fem) been in the army for past 14 yrs and would never date/marry forces as basically said they all lying,cheating shits.. except your oh obviously who must have been a saint to his exes?
of course kids must come first but think you are being hell of a short sighted to blame it all on ex. and remember what goes around comes around....

ok, my ex is in thr forces so i have some experience of this.

OP, i think his ex sounds like she is playing games, what with the 'accidental' texts and giving him only a few days notice of contact availability.

BUT

i can also sort of see it from her point of view. whilst i absoloutely accept that his job dictates him to be away for long periods it can be very frustrating being the resident parent and having to accomodate the NRP leave for contact visits. however i think in this case it wouldn't be very difficult for her to allow teh DDs to stay for the weekend so that they may see their brother for a few days with their dad. especially as her friend is staying for 2 weeks. i assume she has been given plenty of notice for this?

although saying that, if the mother hasn't met you or your family, i can understand her being hesitant about letting her girls stay there.

I agree with ChippingIn, unpopular as that may bee, but the Ops is in the forces, I cannot believe you are suggesting he get another job!

It seems all he wants his children to spend a few days together and has a limited time space where this can happen. I really think she is cutting her nose off to spite her face, though I suppose if the girls are young and don't have that much contact with their dad they might be a bit reluctant to stay over etc.

Could you not all drive down in the car and then all spend the day together doing something nice? then maybe iof you could work on things like this then overnight stays might become more of a reality?

oh yes lyns2, ALL MEN in the forces are lying, cheating shits all of them

it's well known you know

jesus fucking wept

I agree he should go to court to get access before he goes away. he is working ti provide for his dc hence not having regular access.it really annoys me when mums will not accomodate the dads. why should the dads be punished. they are the children of both parents. and before I get flamed I appreciate these mums are in minority but if dads want to be involved they should be.

Before I post I just wanted to clarify that actually maintanence payments no longer have any impact on benefits. She could be receiving £1000 a month and still get benefits.

Anyway, I don't think YABU. It does sound like she is being awkward. Your dp isn't asking for much, just to see his kids (yes his as well, not just hers) before he goes away.

I he was to leave the forces then not be able to find a job, have to sign on and pay £5 a week in maintanence then people on here would be bitching about the fact he gave up his job knowing he had kids to support.

You can't bloody win can you.

I agree with whoever it was that said your dp needs to go to court and get an application of contact in place for the weekend he would like to see them.

We have 3 kids each but none together. No my OH wasn't a saint to his exes as he is a human being - I wasn't a saint during my marriage either and I was also unfaithful and am a civilian woman - so its not just confined to men in the forces.

He doesn't live with me as there is no point going through all the hassle as he is going away next yr anyway and I would then have to give my ex his share of my house if I co-habited which we can't properly because of going to sea IYSWIM.

There isn't a problem with the girls coming they have already been loads of times.

gilly thanks I will check it out.

paw that is a good idea, couldn't you all go for the day to see the girls and have a great day out?, i can imagine going from 3 to 6 kids overnight would be a bit stressful anyway and might mean everyone gets a bit fed up with each other, but a day together could be lots of fun and then everyone gets to go back to tehir own space afetrwards

We've had 5 kids here quite a few times when the girls have come and I loved it so it doesn't bother me booyhoo

We did suggest that (meaning we would have to take two cars if I went too) but it was still a no.

all men in the forces are lying and cheating - really lyns - will pass that on to my dh who used to be in the forces and my bil who left forces to be with and marry gf only to find out SHE was having an affair.

Well i think you have no other option really than to go to court to sort out proper contact arrangements :( Dont cafcass help to liase with this kind of thing? have you looked at their website?

I am not sure is cafcass are the right people but they might be able to point you in the right direction anyway.

well, in that case i think she has left him with no option but to go to court for an agreement about this weekend.

PawMum - yeah I was thinking that too my friend's hubby in the forces and he is a good bloke, and devoted to his wife and kids.
He did want to leave a couple years ago when his eldest was born but there wasn't any jobs that he could do that would allow him to earn anywhere near the money he gets in the RAF.

Lynette & Macdoodle I normally have great respect with you and I know Macdoodle has has a shitty time of it with her ex, but I think you are allowing your experiences colour your opinions here and you are MASSIVELY out of order having a go at the OP. YOU have no idea why the dds parents relationship broke down, but you have assumed it is all the OH's fault, how fucking unfair!

Another one of my friend's husband has a daughter with an exgf that he had to fight tooth and nail to get regular access to and ended up having to take his ex to court - she hadn't even told her mother that he was the father of her child and lied constantly, she was getting HER maintenance money and didn't give a shit about help her dd have a relationship with dad. He left her before he knew she was preg because she was snorting coke and cheating on him. For all we know the mum of OH's DD could be just like her.

The OP has said that he HAS made plans months in advance to see his daughters which the mum cancels as soon as something better comes along.

And as long as their is no DV issues involved BOTH parents should be fucking adult enough to put their disagreements aside to allow the children to be able to see both their parents and other siblings without all the shit slinging.

Kara is right - My own experiences (well that of a good friend) have made me react so strongly to the OP.

Obviously the OP's OH is not my friends shitty ex, and for all I know may be adecent guy.

I shall now bow out of this thread, and thank heavens I don't have a blended family!

YANBU. His ex is imo.

Stop pandering to her and get something official in place. Her behaviour is unfair on the dds.

I have been in the Army and so known a lot of forces men. I can safely say that in the main when relationships split up and kids are involved the majority of service men are not the best at keeping contact and keeping involved with their dc. In my circle alone I know of 5 and knew many more when actually still serving.

I wonder if there is an element of that with the OP's partner? What I mean is yes, he is trying to see them now but how do you know that as much effort as could be made has been in the past? Could be why his ex is so bitter and unco-operative.

Personally I would put my own feelings aside to allow my dc to see their brother no matter how bitter I felt, I know I would do this because I think it so important for sibling relationships in these kind of situations to be pursued. I have a half sister and I was never allowed to get to know her as a child and I do feel sad about it even now. But not everyone thinks like that.

Personally I would formalise access arrangements, I know it is difficult but it can be done. The fact that he has not done this makes me wonder whether he has made quite so much effort as he should have done to see his dc.