to say no to kids meeting ex's new girlfriend?

[smokinaces]

Ex and I split up last July. I am very glad we are not together - honestly, having spent the last 12 months on my own I have gone back to being the person I am happy with, not one who has to reform to fit him.

We have always said that new partners will be introduced to the children very slowly (i.e. when they are definately serious after 6 months or so) and that co-inhabiting is a step not to be taken lightly.

However he is now trying to change the rules. He has been wiht his girlfriend a couple of months, is in the throws of "young love" and wants her to be involved in everything he does with the kids.

I have said no for the minute, but tried to be diplomatic. Children are 4 & 2, and both going through change as it is (DS1 starts school in 2 weeks, DS2 will up nursery hours as my work pattern changes) Both are going through difficult developmental stages, and I am trying to cope with all of this already.

I have said I dont want her being introduced to them until DS1 has started school and is settled. I have also said that I want to be there the first few times they meet (I know her from old anyway, basically it was between me and her 7 years ago) as DS1 is very protective of me and asks a lot of questions.

I havent said no outright, just that I think we should hang fire - the relationship is very new, the children are not very good with big change, and with me being their primary carer I want to ensure their best interests (i.e. 1 on 1 contact with their father, no flitting girlfriends) are met

I've said I want to sit down and discuss it all when DS1 starts school (we're going together to take him and will have 2 hours alone till we need to pick him up) but I sense even though ex has agreed he is unhappy at having to wait.

AIBU to say hold fire? I know its all new and exciting for him, but I am pretty annoyed that he is yet again thinking of himself first and the kids last. He's moaning he doesnt get enough time with his girlfriend so wants to spend time with all of them - when he's unemployed and spends all day and 6 nights a week with her!!

I am so trying to be diplomatic here, but all he seems to have in his head is that I am putting barriers there because I am jealous and want him back, which is definately not true.

But you might make it awkward if you try to control this too much. It isn't within your control and he is probably going to get fed up with having you so involved in his private life, which as long as the children are not in any danger is none of your business.

Well, it sounds like you all have the right approach to it, so hopefully it will all work out well.

I hope DS enjoys going to Big School and doesn't find it too stressful.

I know Morloth. Its a fine line I think - he rung me originally to discuss all this. He came in with now, I wanted 6 months - we have agreed to meet in a fortnight and compromise so everyone is happy. And I do include the new girlfriend in that too. I dont ask questions as such of his private life, I wait for him to tell me things IYSWIM?

I am grateful for everyones input from here - it has meant I am honestly more relaxed about it all.

Thanks Chipping. I am doing a softly softly approach with him at the moment. Today was a big thing in washing his uniform, tomorrow is the school shoes (we sat and looked at pictures of them on the internet today in readiness). I have to calmly sit and talk it all through with him each night, and he has books from the library too to try and help.

I think part of the reason he is like this is because the break up happened when we moved house last year - rehoused by the council, Ex left 3 weeks later, DS1 was nearly 3 and has a real issue with routine and stability and change and new people/places. He's always needed a soft approach and lots of warnings (for instance, 5 minutes until leaving, 2 minutes until leaving) and Ex does understand (when I remind him sometimes!!) which is why he did approach me before introducing his girlfriend.

Hi smokin now that you've made that decision (well done!) I would just add that as you seem to hve sucha good relationship with your ex you should try and do that with his new girlfriend.

THe best thing would be to get her on side, let her know you are happy they are together and let the kids know this.

If they see that you are ok with it, they will be to.

Also as a stepmum I know the influence I can have on DH when it comes to how well he and ex gets on. (Over the years I have turned into the mediator quite often and me and ex can sometimes sort out things far better than the two of them can when things get heated!)

One of the reasons for this is that she was so positive about our relationship from the start and I've never forgotten it. There have been difficult times inbetween but she has never (to my knowledge) bad mouthed me to DSS as a result he is a very stable happy lad.

So as your DS hates change so much it would be most beneficial if he took it to be a good change. Paint it in a positive light, he will see it as such and thus the transition will be less difficult.

Thanks Cloud. She is a joint friends sister, so we know each other to say hello anyway. I have reiterated to Ex that I do like her, and want them to get on together and he seems to believe me. I dont want the relationships that I sometimes see here - I want my children to be comfortable and happy and not feel they are taking sides.

I agree with DS1 needing to see this as a good change - which is why I want to be there the first few times to reiterate it to him, and support him so he comes away feeling positive and happy. Ex has suggested a couple of DS1s favourite activities and getting girlfriend to join us there, which could work well.

I have never badmouthed Ex in front of the kids (I wait until they are in bed ) and wouldnt badmouth his girlfriend or family either - its not fair for the kids to feel they are caught in the middle, or need to take sides, or feel guilty or that they need to keep secrets.

Both Ex and I have divorced parents (our wedding was an experience having them all there!) so we both very much want our children to have a positive time.

Just been through a very similar situation and would definitely agree with Cat, Tanga and those who say you have limited control over these things. I fully understand how difficult this is in practice though, especially when you're a mum of very small dc's and used to being a constant in their lives.

XH and his GF got together as a result of an affair, and it's very difficult to give their relationship any kind of blessing (don't think I will ever reach that point) - however, I know that trying to place stipulations on what they do with the dc's is pointless. I have to trust that as their father, he will look after them. It's much easier now I've reached that level of acceptance.

Sounds like you're pretty rational about all of this though, it's amazing how adaptable small dc's are. Don't forget that they won't be analysing their father's new relationship through adult eyes - at that age they will only be concerned over whether this new adult is kind to them, and it sounds as though she will be.

I have just read this thread with great interest.

My ex and I split up 3 years ago and I met my new partner about 18 months ago. We were very careful to introduce him very slowly to the children - only after 5 months and an hour or so at a time at first. I needn't have worried and they took him to straight away. He met my ex and they got on too.

A few months ago, during the summer hols, the kids went to stay with the ex for a week as I was working. When they came back they had spent 3 days at the ex's new gf's house (which is about 100 miles away). I didn't even know he had a gf and that they were going away!

The problem I have is two-fold. Firstly) my ex has always had a strained relationship with my eldest (now 12) to the point that he went to a teacher at school as he was feeling 'bullied' by him (his words). Although he has taken them on holiday and often does exciting activities with them, they never want to go and stay with him and say he ignores them most of the time, then this new person is on the scene and he panders to her every word (understandably) and they are forced to spend hours traipsing around after her while she shops, or being left with babysitters while they go out, meanwhile all the activities they used to do are no longer happening so they are feeling very left out! Secondly, she has made a couple of rude comments to them, checks the ingredients of everything they eat, not allowing even a piece of chocolate to pass their lips (their Dad frequently took them to McDonalds before he met her ? which I was never that pleased about but couldn?t stop) and if they go to her house she shouts if they make a mark on the furniture etc. Apparently (and this came from the ex) she split up with her ex husband because she didn?t get on well with his kids.

Every time they were due to go after the first couple of times of being introduced to her, they cried and pleaded with me to let them stay home. I tried all I could to encourage them as I want them to have a relationship with their Dad and always try and encourage them to see the positive in everyone they meet. They were having such a miserable time and it was affecting the elder child?s schoolwork so I called a meeting for the ex, dcs and me and he conceded that he hadn?t been paying them enough attention lately and agreed that for the next few times he had them, it would be just them and him, and then she would be introduced again but rather more gradually, which we were all happy with. This happened once.

Last week he collected them as usual and when they got to his, she was there. The next day he brought them over as the youngest had a sport fixture here ? the first thing he did was to bring the eldest home to me and when I wandered across to watch a bit of the match, the ex was nowhere to be seen ? he had gone to a local cafe with her and missed half the match! Both the dcs wanted to come home straight away and when I looked at him to encourage them to stay with him, he just looked away.

He turned up the next day with their stuff and told me that I was ?to give them an ultimatum? as he and the gf are now a serious couple, there would never be a time when she wasn?t going to be at his house and if they didn?t like that, then he wouldn?t see them again. He reckons this will make them ?miss? him and want to go again. He told me I was wrong to take them home the day before as it didn?t give him a chance to show them that they could have fun with her there and they had lots of ?activities planned?. I gently and politely pointed out that we had all agreed that he was going to have them by himself for just a few weekends to which he replied that as he was under a lot of pressure with work etc, he was relying on her being there (she isn?t there all week) at weekends to get him through and he had to ?see to (his) own needs? first and foremost' - fair enough but he could have explained this before and maybe had them some other time. He then told me to tell the kids all this and left saying he might have them one evening in the week when she wasn?t there but only in a few weeks time when he wasn?t so busy. I said I didn?t feel it was my responsibility to do this and he said ?well, if you want to absolve yourself and you don?t want to help...? They heard some of the conversation so I just said that his gf will always be there at weekends to which they said they never want to go again.

Now I am in a real predicament as I don?t want them to lose touch with him and I know the law says that it is important for them to maintain contact but what if as here, their Dad is pretty much saying that he is willing to risk not seeing them as long as the gf is there. I don?t know what to do ? I just want what is best for them. Please help!

Apologies for the length of this post but I thought it needed telling in full!

You are not being unreasonable in the slightest, you are being loving and cautious with regards to your dc's well being and stability.

When exH and I first split up I was cautious about the whole "time frame" thing with introducing new partners to the DS's. Worryig about their well being and stability.

However, I've changed my view on that. To start with =- exH moved in with his girlfriend after only a couple months of our intial split.

When the DS's told me I was and - but they were all absolutely fine with it. He's had other girl friends since then (as well as us getting back together for a while) and it's not bothered them in the slightest

I've also had a one or two people that I've seen for a while who they've met.

DS1 has commented on exH's girlrfriends (he's 10 now) and often peers over my shoulder while I'm on a dating website to point out people he thinks I should invite out on a date ). He understands the whole "relationship" thing.

However, DS2 and 3 just see them as any other person who I may introduce them too and now my while I wouldn't have a different man every weekend (much though I'd like to ) I don't have so much issue with introducing them sooner.

I don't think you can control how and when your ex introduces his new friends (or girlfriends) though.

jfhy01, I wish I could say something helpful to you, but I have no idea, I think I'd be inclined to follow your DCs lead on this, rather than trying to keep something going that it seems neither they, nor he, particularly want.
You might be better off starting your own thread - to get more replies. This is from August.

Hi August

Thanks so much and I have done just that.

It was meant to be a response to show how rushing in to introducing new partners can sometimes not be such a good approach but when I typed it and read it back, I realised it is a quite different situation to smokinaces measured and reasonable enquiry.

Apologies that I didn't just create a new post in the first place.

Smokinaces - you seem like a very caring parent and I'm sure as you are dealing with reasonable people and you are sensible yourself, the outcome will be positive for everyone.

Gosh jfhy01 - that's horrid from your eX. Sadly not uncommon, and I suspect he'd have acted just as craplly if he'd introduced them 2yrs after starting to see each other. Shits like that are generally shits regardless of time scale

hehe I'm not August!
Good luck with your situation.

hahaha That really cheered me up Paisley' I only just realised you were saying the post is from August, not that you were CALLED August! I didn't think I'd be grinning this much today!