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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to say no to kids meeting ex's new girlfriend?

66 replies

smokinaces · 18/08/2010 11:28

Ex and I split up last July. I am very glad we are not together - honestly, having spent the last 12 months on my own I have gone back to being the person I am happy with, not one who has to reform to fit him.

We have always said that new partners will be introduced to the children very slowly (i.e. when they are definately serious after 6 months or so) and that co-inhabiting is a step not to be taken lightly.

However he is now trying to change the rules. He has been wiht his girlfriend a couple of months, is in the throws of "young love" and wants her to be involved in everything he does with the kids.

I have said no for the minute, but tried to be diplomatic. Children are 4 & 2, and both going through change as it is (DS1 starts school in 2 weeks, DS2 will up nursery hours as my work pattern changes) Both are going through difficult developmental stages, and I am trying to cope with all of this already.

I have said I dont want her being introduced to them until DS1 has started school and is settled. I have also said that I want to be there the first few times they meet (I know her from old anyway, basically it was between me and her 7 years ago) as DS1 is very protective of me and asks a lot of questions.

I havent said no outright, just that I think we should hang fire - the relationship is very new, the children are not very good with big change, and with me being their primary carer I want to ensure their best interests (i.e. 1 on 1 contact with their father, no flitting girlfriends) are met

I've said I want to sit down and discuss it all when DS1 starts school (we're going together to take him and will have 2 hours alone till we need to pick him up) but I sense even though ex has agreed he is unhappy at having to wait.

AIBU to say hold fire? I know its all new and exciting for him, but I am pretty annoyed that he is yet again thinking of himself first and the kids last. He's moaning he doesnt get enough time with his girlfriend so wants to spend time with all of them - when he's unemployed and spends all day and 6 nights a week with her!!

I am so trying to be diplomatic here, but all he seems to have in his head is that I am putting barriers there because I am jealous and want him back, which is definately not true.

OP posts:

cat64 · 18/08/2010 13:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Tanga · 18/08/2010 14:01

I think you are in danger of making it a big deal for the DC's - far bigger than it has to be. I'm sure you don't insist on going along everytime they meet someone new with Dad, and I'm not understanding at all why it would be remotely difficult for them to 'adjust'.

It's also way over the top because you aren't just talking about meeting her out of courtesy - you're already setting all sorts of conditions about where the children can sleep, whether they can go in her car, which, frankly, are none of your business. And what do you plan to do if your ex tells you politely to mind your own business?

If you genuinely want everyone to get along, you need to let go a little. I'm sure your ex can manage to parent the kids effectively and a whole list of conditions from you about what he can and can't do with his kids is unlikely to improve relationships all round. Seriously - when you have a new man (and have introduced him at a pace you see fit, etc)would you be fine telling your sons they can't come into bed for a cuddle because your new partner is there?

fatoftheland · 18/08/2010 14:05

That's what I was thinking cat64. That is what I would do if I met someone and I could see it going somewhere.
That is a good way of introducing someone with no pressure. The children will just think she is a friend and the girlfriend bit can come later.
I still don't see what difference meeting her is going to make and it's not something I would ever do.

PosieParker · 18/08/2010 14:11

YANBU. His children should be his priority, seems like an indicator of what lies ahead.

BarmyArmy · 18/08/2010 14:15

I think the 6 month period is okay only if you both genuinely agree to it. FWIW, 6 months after meeting my fiancee, she was 4 months pregnant (most definitely planned!) and we had bought a house together

There appears to be an element of 'holding on' here - was his break-up with this woman first time round 'amicable' (as if these things ever are)? Any problems of resentment between you and her?

ChippingIn · 18/08/2010 14:20

I agree with Cat & Tanga - I think you are making this into a Very.Big.Deal. You can't control everything the way you are trying to, you have to learn to let go, for their sake and yours. If she goes to the park with them this weekend, your son isn't going to be going to school in a fortnight worrying about it... clearly it would be good if they take it slowly around the kids, probably good for her not to sleep with him the first few visits at least, let them get used to her and see how it goes.

Original poster

smokinaces · 18/08/2010 16:07

Its all quite divided then on opinion!

I am taking a lot of this on board. I think my main thing is DS1, its hard to explain without labelling it but he finds it very hard to adjust to new people, and needs to talk about them etc all the time - obviously the majority of his time is spent with me and I want to be able to answer any questions he has. We arent talking about someone they are likely to meet once in a while either - we are talking about him wanting this girlfriend to be there for every weekend visit, which would mean a big adjustment for the children as for over a year they have spent weekends with just their father (undivided) attention

I dont dislike his new girlfriend. Like I said, I have known her on and off through the years and she is a nice person - I think thats why its easier for me to suggest all meeting up together.

and the car thing is a whole another subject I suspect. I dont like anyone driving my kids around and am very anal about car safety.But like I said, thats not for here - and ex does understand my weird thing about all this. (and when I said about sleeping in the bed i wouldnt expect him to tell the children no, just to either a) go in their bed or b) girlfriend to move. He has said he is happy for either of these situations as he does not want the children sharing a bed with my (currently non existant!) future partner either)

I am going to relax a lot more about this. We have arranged to chat about it all in a fortnight, and go from there.

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 18/08/2010 16:12

whats his level of contact already? sorry if i missed it

thing is,its not down to you....he's an equal paretn here. and how could you stop it or police it,so to speak? you can't.

RumourOfAHurricane · 18/08/2010 16:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

GypsyMoth · 18/08/2010 16:38

also,as for the car....as long as its got valid MOT then it can be as old as she likes it to be.....its not something you can impose

hairytriangle · 18/08/2010 17:03

"I have said I dont want her being introduced to them until DS1 has started school and is settled. I have also said that I want to be there the first few times they meet (I know her from old anyway, basically it was between me and her 7 years ago) as DS1 is very protective of me and asks a lot of questions."

You sound like a total control freak. the children are half his, half yours. Do you really think he'd put them in any danger? that's the only time you have a right to refuse.

"the children are not very good with big change, and with me being their primary carer I want to ensure their best interests (i.e. 1 on 1 contact with their father, no flitting girlfriends) are met"

No wonder they aren't any good with change if you monitor is so strictly

"I've said I want to sit down and discuss it all when DS1 starts school (we're going together to take him and will have 2 hours alone till we need to pick him up) but I sense even though ex has agreed he is unhappy at having to wait."

He has every right to be.

"AIBU to say hold fire? I know its all new and exciting for him, but I am pretty annoyed that he is yet again thinking of himself first and the kids last. "

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, YABVU. How is it him thinking of himself first and the kids last?

"I am so trying to be diplomatic here, but all he seems to have in his head is that I am putting barriers there because I am jealous and want him back, which is definately not true."

You are not being at all diplomatic, you are being overly controlling, and you do sound like there is some underlying issue.

cupcakesandbunting · 18/08/2010 17:14

"Not your call though, you have no legal standing in this matter, and no way of controlling his actions. You can't make him do it the way you want."

It's not what OP wants, it's what they both agreed.

YANBU. If they're still in the honeymoon flush then I'm sure they'll have spoken about weddings/children of their own like most people in that phase. Give it a few months and see if they feel the same before bringing a new woman into your children's lives. That would be the mature approach, anyway.

GypsyMoth · 18/08/2010 19:52

doesnt sound like theyve agreed....all 'i have said' etc

sounds like he's just humouring you,going along with it for a quiet life....

he's more likely to follow his own agenda..

FakePlasticTrees · 18/08/2010 20:03

I think waiting 6 months is sensible, you don't want various GF's coming in and out of the DC's lives, although you will have to stick to the same.

I think being there is a bit much, you already know her, so i assume you don't have a problem with her being part of your DC's lives if it works out between your Ex and her. If there is any tension from you, the DCs will pick up on it and you might set up a difficult relationship between her and the DCs.

iamanewmum31 · 18/08/2010 20:13

YANBU In my opinion. Very sensible and if your ex agrees there is no problem. He is obviously happy about his new relationship and is excited about the children meeting his new partner. You had previously agreed to a six month limit. I am sure if the situation was reversed he would want you do do the same.

bottyburpthebarbarian · 18/08/2010 20:14

I can understand why you feel the way you do.

But he is your DC's father and he can do what he pleases.

Sorry to be blunt, but it really isn't your call.

To turn it round :

For the record, I haven't introduced my DCs to anyone and have no plans to, but if I do then its MY decision and up to ME and nothing to do with my XH.

Omarlittlest · 18/08/2010 20:24

I think you are spot on. You agreed this before hand ffs. Six is months is what you both decided - absolutely logical ...just stick to your guns . Its not about you or him its about the kids and it seems like with new school stuff you are making a very reasonable and rational decision . I really don't get why people are debating this?

Omarlittlest · 18/08/2010 20:25

'cept of course that OP did post in AIBU!

Morloth · 18/08/2010 20:33

YANBU to want this, but if he wants to just go ahead there is no way you can stop him so I wouldn't get too stressed out at the thought.

Also trying to control sleeping arrangements and stuff at his house is a bit much, once again you could ask but he is their Dad as much as you are their Mum so gets to make the decisions when they are with him.

ChippingIn · 18/08/2010 20:42

Omar - because people change their minds?? Yes they agreed to it, or he did to keep the peace - who knows, now he feels differently and they're discussing it. OP asked if it was reasonable to say no to their children meeting his girlfriend who she already knows - of course there's going to be a debate

Original poster

smokinaces · 18/08/2010 20:54

Honestly, I have mellowed a lot about this already in the last 48hours!

We have chatted on the phone briefly again this evening and everything is fine - we're going to meet in a fortnight to talk properly, and meet up a few times after that. He wants her to move in ASAP and be known as his girlfriend - so its not just a casual encounter in the park IYSWIM?

The 6 month thing I have already agreed isnt going to happen now - but I have asked for those couple of weeks because of DS1 starting school and because I know what my son is like at meeting new people. if it were DS2 I wouldnt be as worried, but DS1 is a very different child. He needs to know everything that is going to happen that day, everyone we will meet, I have to talk him through everything and give him gentle warnings about any changes that may come - it reminds me of my nephews aspergers in a lot of ways.

and Botty, I would never introduce someone to my children that hadnt met my ex. and he wouldnt either.that might not work for everyone, but it does seem to work for us (so far)

OP posts:

bottyburpthebarbarian · 18/08/2010 21:00

Smokin - i wasn't trying to have a go, just trying to give you my perspective.

I will never allow my ex to even discuss stuff like that with me. Its absolutely none of his business.

And for the record we're friendly enough for the kids and see each other regularly, its not that we're fighting, I just wouldn't let him.

Diffrnt strokes for diffrnt folks I suppose

ChippingIn · 18/08/2010 21:05

Good grief - an OP that reads, listens and moderates her view point - we'll be framing you!!

Glad you have reached a point you're both happy with :)

Does make me wonder why you aren't still together though, you seem to get on better than most married c's

Original poster

smokinaces · 18/08/2010 21:07

I know you werent having a go Botty dont worry .

The thing is, Ex and I have a very strange relationship anyway - we were friends for 6 years, together for 6 years and have seemed to have slotted into the friends part again ok. There are a few main details we dont share, but we dont have secrets from each other as such. Its hard to explain, but at least it does mean we can be honest and discuss things like this. I like to get other peoples opinions on things though - I can be very strong willed and its a good place here to see whether I need to be more flexible (which I have agreed I need to a little!)

OP posts:

Original poster

smokinaces · 18/08/2010 21:11

Chippin, a few people have said that! The thing is, a lot of the reason we get on so well is because we arent together! We were always good friends, and maybe we shouldnt have stepped over that line into DH/DW but there you go!

I think thats why its important for me to be approachable and get on with his new girlfriend - there are certain family situations that I still attend as the childrens mother etc and I would never want it to be awkward.

OP posts:

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