...to think a two week 'break' in a relationship is a BAD thing?

[GrumpyMoo]

Hello there again. (kind of a follow up to my other post of meeting my DP's daughter for the first time) I'm so cross right now. My lovely DP has decided that he needs 'space and time' to get his head together.

Am I right in thinking he's just being a selfish child or have I done the right thing in 'backing off' as he has asked? Who's being unreasonable here?

argh, hit wrong button!

I didn;t get to put tmy bit. I feel he's being sooo selfish and childish! But I'm completely lacking in perspective over this as anyone who read my other post knows.

}}help{{ pretty please?

what?

hi i remember you! i don't know really, you can't force him NOT to take a break, but is he really worth it? seems to be causing you alot of heartache at the mo.

I don't know your history as I'm new, but I've never felt comfortable with people who need a "break" from relationships.

Yeah...people in committed, loving relationships should not require a 'break' of any sort...I've never heard one story where a 'break' has worked out for the better.

I think you should leave the ball in his court - make it clear that you love him but that you wont put up with being treated like this forever. He either decides to be with you and sort out the problems with his children or not to be with you.

having skimmed your other thread he obviously has massive issues with his children and his ex which unless sorted will mean he cannot have a proper relationship with anyone else.

Sounds like he has way too much baggage to be where you need him to be right now. I wouldn't have a set time on the break, I would say "Look, this isn't working, lets just leave it".

It sounds like he is keeping you in reserve, you deserve better than to be stuffed around.

OK, people in happy, well-functioning relationships are unlikely to need a break - but this relationship is obviously not happy and well functioning.
I don't know the backstory but if the problem is that his DD doesn't like you, surely he's doing the right thing by putting her needs first? ie taking a break to spend time with her and sort out what's going on.
Remember that you can't (and shouldn't) make someone love you and want to be in a relationship with you, but nor should you be expected to put up with endless dithering. Use this two week break to sort out what you want, as well and at the end of it, if he's still not sure, then tell him you'd rather call it quits, thanks.

I honestly don;t know what is going through his head right now.

I agree SGB which is why I'm so angry with this selfish need of his to take time. I have agreed to do it because I love him and you support the people you love, but it doesn;t chnage the fact that unless I'M the problem then a 'break' isn;t going to fix things?

gingernut you are completely right. Sometimes we ll need a bit of space but this kind is just selfish and doesn;t solve anything.

I feel like such an idiot here.

Sounds like taking a break is a way to issues that will still be there waiting for you when you get back together.

Is it a new relationship? perhaps he feels things are moving too fast?

a way to avoid that should have read

Claw3 we have been together nearly a year now. Not a 'new' relationship but not an old one either. I agree but as I replied to solidgoldbrass i love him and want him to be happy. Even to the point of letting him go if it IS me that makes him unhappy.

He might want a break, but he shouldn't necessarily assume that you'll just take him back when he decides he wants you again.

Loving him and wanting him to be happy is all well and good, you should also love yourself and want to be happy too.

I should imagine the issues he has are with the relationship as oppose to 'you'. I think its a bit unfair of him, not to tell what those issues are, as any relationship is built on communication.

GM :(

I think part of the problem is that you measure men & relationships against your DH, which is not a good starting point.

This 'new' man needs to sort his own life out before he can be in a relationship. In the (almost) year you have been together he hasn't thought 'Ah GM is the one I want to be with forever, so best I sort my shit out' has he, he's drifted along with it and makes you empty promises, he bows down to what his ex wants and wont even sort out proper access to his own daughter...

Frankly - you can do better. I would tell him that he's welcome to his break, but not to come back to you until his life is sorted out and he's sure what he wants and if you are still interested, then great - but you aren't planning on sitting around waiting for him.

Don't sit around waiting for him.

I did go and read your other thread. TBH he is Just Not That Into You. Not to say that you are unlovable or that he doesn't care about you, just that he's not ready to take what seems to him like a big step of forcing a confrontation with his XP on your behalf. And the more you push, the more he is going to resist. So your options are either to accept him the way he is or to call a halt.

Interesting one ...

My DP sometimes needs 'space' as in an evening on his own, doing his 'own thing' etc. But never two weeks.

TBH I think the nasty thing is that he's essentially saying he's having a break from you. If he were using the time (as my DP does) to see friends, go on a weekend away etc, that would feel less worrying.

If this is genuinely a crossroads in your relationship, perhaps he genuinely does need a break. But make sure he knows that you won't be sitting there pining for him, and that time away from him may lead you to think about some things he'd rather you didn't.

You have been together less than a year?

That is a new relationship imo.

I think he is trying to dump you. Sorry.

mahraih It breaks my heart. And what you put is almost verbatim what I tried to explain to him. If I wasn't the problem he wouldn;t need to be apart from me. He's asked to see me this friday so I'm hoping in one respect that he's either had enough time to miss me ( ) or frankly to put me out of my misery and to dump me ( )

and too bloody right on the " and that time away from him may lead you to think about some things he'd rather you didn't."

SGB I'm hoping you are wrong but I'm prepared if you're right.

ChippingIn Hi again. As for "I think part of the problem is that you measure men & relationships against your DH, which is not a good starting point." I'm not so sure. My ExH (my first relationship) was and is a twat. As ex's go he is pretty mild in knob-ness but still an idiot. Maybe I do measure against but only in the that we do of any situation or relationship that we have had. And let's face it (in the 3 realationships I have had) the first I divorced and the second I kicked out due to his raging cocklodging-ness. Maybe not a good track record...

Hello trillian "He might want a break, but he shouldn't necessarily assume that you'll just take him back when he decides he wants you again." This is exactly what I will tell him on Friday. I was so hurt and upset and heartbroken when he and I finsihed speaking on Sunday night that I couldn;t see past it all. It was only later and with the help of a really really good friend that i started to realise the implications of what he was saying and I became angry at how selfish he was being.

Claw you are spot on

GM Obviously I wasn't clear enough in my post - sorry. I do think you (naturally) compare the other (new) men in your life against your 'D'H and that is what makes them look better than they are. I think if you had had a man in your life that was wonderful, you wouldn't have given your ExP house room and wouldn't be allowing this DP to mess you around so much :( Sorry I wasn't clear the first time.

Look, I appreciate that you are hurt and upset, but I think it's a mistake to paint this man as the total villain of the piece. You seem very focussed on what you want, and TBH you might be coming across to him as a bit pushy and demanding. It's not a crime to want to take a relationship at a slower pace than one's partner does. While a partner shouldn't ignore your feelings, you seem to be expecting this man to put your wishes above his own and those of his DD and her mother. It;s not all about you, you know.

GM - stop blaming yourself. Your previous relationships seem to have really knocked your self esteem. Perhaps the 'problem' is with him, not you!

Do you really want a relationship with a man who cant communicate and needs to take a break when he has issues?

Tell him Friday is not a good day for you and you will speak to him after the 'break' as you too need time to think about what you want.

If he wants to dump you, its his loss.

Sorry dont know the history behind this, havent read any of your previous threads.

How did the meeting with his dd go?

Seems strange that a man thinking of ending a relationship asks you to meet his DD before he does it.

To be fair SGB, his DD had a lovely time when they did meet and she wants to see GM. The Mum moved her new man in 6 weeks after they split up and almost a year on she doesn't want her DD to even spend anytime with her Dads new gf. He wont do anything to upset his ExW as last time she stopped contact - but he hasn't done anything about getting legal access to his daughter... he repeatedly tells GM he wants her to meet his daughter, this last time saying he wanted them to meet this weekend - then when GM asks when they are getting together he reacts like she has 2 heads - it's not that he doesn't want them to meet that is the problem (to me anyway), it's that he's not saying that - he's messing her around.

Oh god, I think I've allowed my hurt to take over here. I'm not trying to put my feelings above his and thank you for fighting his corner. I honestly do love him and I have given him the time to work out whether he and I are good together or if I am causing him to be depressed and unhappy.

It's a really hard line to get right as there isn;t just 'him' and there isn't just 'me' involved. I'm not getting across what I'm trying to.

I'll be the first to advocate doing what's best for the kids. And because his DD is only 5 obviously her needs are a bit higher priority than my own kids (if that doesn't sound compeltely wrong) as mine are that much older and not as sheltered. I don;t think I can get across completely how I feel or what I want as I can see both sides, and their value. But I also can't let my own needs be walked all over yet again. In the last year or so I learnt how to have self respect and I'm loath to give it up again.

Don;t worry Chipping crossed wires are my own personal hell speciality here...