to think this patronizing jobsworth was also being sexist?

[JaneS]

I went into the bank today with DH to set up a joint account in our married name (since people keep writing cheques to Mr and Mrs). I've banked with this place for years so they have me on the system, but this guy said he needed ID, specifically my passport. I explained I wasn't changing my name in my professional life, so my passport was staying in my name. He said we couldn't do this. I asked if it wasn't quite common for women not to change their names on marriage, and he claimed that it was very rare, and impossible to set up a joint account unless I had changed my name 'legally, on your passport'.

Then he grudgingly admitted we could have a joint account in my 'maiden' name and DH's name if we really wanted, but it would have to be DH's account with me added on as a 'second account holder'. Now WTF?!

We went to Halifax straight after and they had no trouble, told us it was routine and they'd set us up an account in both our names that listed me both as Ms DH'sName, and as Ms LittleRedDragon.

Now AIBU to wonder if the first (male) banker wasn't being a tad sexist, given the second person had no trouble sorting us out?

I suppose it's all about the level of evidence they require. It's not about the law, just their workplace's interpretation of it. DW had endless trouble getting the GTC to accept her married name - they wouldn't even take a photocopy of the wedding certificate.

Well, I suppose it could be that - but the official advice from Barclays did say he was wrong! And when you put it together with his attitude about me earning more than DH, and the fact he constantly referred to 'your maiden name' and 'your proper name' - I don't think it looks good. I'm aware people sometimes do accuse an individual of being sexist when it is really the company at fault, but I honestly think that here it was the reverse. According to their phone advice, Barclays had no problem with us applying for a joint account in our two, different, names.

Hello again! I don't think it's a question of attitudes changing really. I think it's more a question of banks and other officialdom succumbing to the "computer says no" culture rather than being able to apply any common sense.

You have to produce no end of ID to move your own money about nowadays and while I might hope that the bank I had an account with for 20 yrs might believe that I am not a crook because I am also operating an account in another name, the computer just can't handle it. I suspect that the people we have encountered who say it's because we "have" to use married names don't quite grasp this.

I was so incensed when it all blew up for me that I asked to speak to the manager who was about 12 and who also had difficulty understanding why I wouldnt want to change to DH's name for everything - after all it's not as if I need a stage name apparently...

What annoys me is that they are perfectly happy to take my money from my employer in my maiden name but will only let me have it in my married!

I could rant on, but still reckon you will find it easier to stick to one name or the other - just because of the ID and computers business. Over 12 yrs I have gradually changed names on just about everything now - the hassle was getting too much in terms of being able to produce the right sort of ID. and having to produce certified copies of marriage certificates and so on.

Yes, he was being sexist and unprofessional.

I'm not saying it has to be DH's name - just one or the other consistently - my mistake was to mix and match. To open ISAs in married name while also holidng earlier one in maiden name and so on...

I don't think he was being sexist either, just clueless and defensive!

I never changed my passport to my married name when I married my first husband, and although I used my married name for everything else and all I had to do when travelling was take my marriage certificate with me. I have changed it to my second married name, but only because it was up for renewal.

We set up a Barclays joint account in my married name no problem, and then it was also no problem at the HSBC with DH.

I've not had any problem putting occasional cheques to Mr & Mrs NotMyName in our bank account which belongs to Ms GrendelsMum and Mr NotMyName. (Also with the Halifax).

The only time I've ever taken my marriage certificate with me as proof of ID is, bizarrely enough, to the RHS to pick up Chelsea Flower Show tickets ordered by DFiL.

I changed my bank because of a problem with my name. I opened my account before I married, changed to my married name and continued the account. After divorcing I decided to return to my maiden name. I was told by the bank that my divorce certificate, marriage certificate and birth certificate along with all existing id were not enough to change my name. The man at the counter said that changing my name was tantamount to fraud so I was a criminal and perhaps I should have tried to remain married.

I told them to stuff their account and went along the road to open another account.

oh LRd :( i can't believe you're still having problems with this.

I can't believe the bank you've been with for so long are being such idiots aboutit.

although, have to say, one one hand i can kind of see where he's coming from wrt having all of your accounts in the same name.
i should imagine that's because they link all your accounts and it would be odd for them to have to have 2 names on the same account being the same person.
In that instance, i think your best bet really is to have your Dh'sname joint account at another bank.
at your existing bank (once you've had a grovelling apology) keep all your accounts in your maiden name - even have a joint account with DH in your maiden name.

i think, due to your problems (and others highlighted) that i might end up doing that if it ever occurred.
although i don't know which bank, as i'm fed up with Abbey, i've already told natwest i hate them and to fuck off and die, and TSB is the only other bank i've used (never had any problems with them, although i know that's not universal! )

maybe you could go to a building society for a joint savings account in married name?

and ps wtf is BarmyArmy on?????

Barmy Army is, ahem, interesting.

It wasn't really a 'problem' thread nickelbabe, more a 'what a twunt this man was' thread. Anyway, we voted with our feet!

xstitch - what a tactless piece of prickery.

lrd i'm shocked that they wouldnt do it for you!

i'm with barclays, when i wanted to put dh on my account as second person i just toddled in with my marrage certificate, dh and dh's id and they did it, no problems at all!

i even spoke to the man about passports, he asked if i'd changed my name on my passport, i said no as at the time i still had a few years and didnt want to waste money putting it in my married name. he said 'fair enough' and that was that.

i'm still the main person on the account, even tho dh earns considerably more than i do, they didnt seem to have a problem with it.

although i have had other problems with barclays doing illegal things with my account - which is why i wanted dh on the account hes a financial person with lots of legal knowledge and understands that world much better than i do and can argue the case much better. but they wouldnt speak to him because he wasnt on the account.

I've had very little problems with name changing and teaching to be honest. I think the GTC just wanted a copy of my marriage certificate to do it (I'm pretty sure they were on my name change marathon checklist when I did mine) - and they're getting abolished anyway - hurrah!

The ones I did have problems with were some rude twerp at Virgin Media who barked "Why you want to change yer name - you tryin' to commit fraud?" while chewing gum down the line... and one of my supply agencies who are STILL booking me out under my maiden name, despite me asking them about 30 times to change it on their system (they've now conceeded to do this and have my maiden name in brackets so they remember who they're talking to - despite me having an unusual first name)! Was anticipating all kinds of horrors since my CRB is in my maiden name and I'm on supply - but haven't had any, although I do carry my marriage certificate around with me as well to back up my new name.

As for the bank thing - we decided to do the joint account at the same time as the name change deal, since I wanted to close my current account in protest over the Halifax overdraft charges changes and god-awful adverts anyway, and I DID just get added onto hubby's current account as that was the easiest way of doing it - not in a sexist sense at all, just less aggro when I hate banks.

Cluelessness is not an excuse. Being sexist and insisting on a married name because you think that's just "how it's done" is still being sexist.

While I have kept my name and our joint accounts are all in both our names, I have also come across the casual and well meaning sexism OP describes. In particular, when I called up to check some minor detail and the woman on the other side of the phone kept insisting she would change my name to Mrs DH or even Mrs Bling because I "need to be Mrs to show" that I was married.

She meant well.

She was still sexist and it pissed me off.

I had a similar problem with the CRB. I tried to get around the Ms = divorced by putting Mrs but they then held up my check because I hadn't included my maiden name. Of course I had included my maiden name because I haven't changed my name what I hadn't included was my "married name" i.e.Mrs DH name, in my case maiden name = married name.

I really don't understand the expectation for women to change their name on marriage. It's very culturally specific, for example, in my DH's culture (North African) women don't change their name.

'Cluelessness is not an excuse. Being sexist and insisting on a married name because you think that's just "how it's done" is still being sexist.'

Exactly!

I don't think this guy realized he was being sexist but he quite clearly was, which is just as annoying as if he'd been deliberately winding me up.

I don't understand why people DO change their names. If you do nothing then you can just carry on regardless..

It's MORE annoying. Someone doing it deliberately you can dismiss as an idiot. Someone who just doesn't know better can be seriously depressing.

Me either, Coalition - but I guess I understand it a little bit more now, because if I'd only been to the one bank I could have come away thinking the only way to get the account set up was to change my name!

Bling - yes, I see what you mean. DH does a fairly good line in blank looks when people address stupid assumptions to him and that can work well - eg., when people offer him the card machine when it's got my card in it.

Definatley being sexist, I have a joint account with DP that's under both our names. We both have equal rights over the account, none of this I must be the 2nd account holder.

Well, some people change their name because they want to, and don't want the confusion of having a different surname from their children. It's not for everyone, perhaps, but I think it's a little bizarre to ask why people do it when the answer is obvious.

My DW, for example, wasn't really that attached to her surname anyway. The way she saw it, it was only an accident of birth, a name from another man - her father - over which she had no choice. By changing her name she was making an active decision to take the name of a man who was important in her life, but this time one she had actually chosen.

Just for accuracy's sake, some of us don't bear a father's name, and never did.

Some of us are bastards, and unashamed of it!

the first guy was an idiot. All you should need is your passport and marriage certificate IIRC from when I did it.

UQD - i don't think that's what Coalition meant - I think she meant (and what I believe) is that if you don't tell people you're married, or don't give them a different name or change of circumstances, then how would they know? how would they even get to the assumption that you "need" a change of name on something?

my real name is patoir for the boss.
i like it.

the name i would assume if i were to take my DH's name would mean i was a PITA.
(actually, that's what i've got because i fell down the stairs yesterday and banged my bum quite severely! - is it the Gods trying to tell me something? )

Yeah, that's how I read it too. It shouldn't have been a problem anyway though, the other bank thought it was totally routine so loads of people must want to do what we did.

I understand your wife's reasoning though Unquiet - it's just not for me, or DH (who thinks my 'married' name sounds absolutely ridiculous, as a hybrid of Russian-English will do!)