in expecting my parents to be supportive

[LovingMyNewLife]

I'm a single mum to 1 DC aged 2.5yrs. Work FT, XDH has DD once at weekend for 6 hours and sees her for 45 min once in the week.

Understandably I'm shattered pretty much all the time and rarely get any 'me' time.

DD is still breastfed and this is a choice I am happy with and DD adores her boobie I've known for sometime that parents have had an issue with her breastfeeding as she is getting older. I am more than happy to wait until she self weans.

Today I was at my parents and a row erupted from something trivial and resulted in my dad shouting at me and telling me that I am 'disgusting' for still feeding DD and that is looks 'awful' when I do He also said that I am too soft with DD and if she is naughty I should shout and her and give her a smack on the hand . DD is a pleasant and very normal 2.5yr old. I do deal with any 'unacceptable' behaviour but without raising my voice and though example not chastising her loudly and smacking!

I objected to 1) him raising his voice infront of DD, 2) questionning my parenting methods in favour of smacking and shouting at DD but most of all I was so and so very very at his opinion of my breastfeeding.

I asked him calmly to not shout in front of DD. Allowed him to cool off then went upstairs to him and pointed out that I didn't appreciate him shouting at me infront of DD and with regards to breastfeeding that it is a non-negotiable part of mine and DD's relationship which quite frankly has nothing to do with anyone else.

I then left but tbh he has really really upset me and I feel so hurt at what he said. My mum agreed with him that it looks disgusting but it is my choice.

Sorry this is so long - just needed to get it off my chest more than anything.

Just feel that of everyone my parents should be supportive of me and that even if they disagree with my parenting methods that they could be nicer about it if they feel so strongly that they need to bring it up!

Right, will reply in a bit, off to feed DD, but I'm sure others will be here to advise shortly. In the meantime, pour yourself a glass of wine. xxx

Oh LMNL thats horrid :(

YANBU to expect your parents to be more supportive. I actually feel a bit tearful for you about what your dad said about BF. It definately will NOT look disgusting, its lovely to see a mum feeding her baby, and really, 2.5 is still a baby!

I hope he is feeling ashamed of himself right now. And your mum actually.

All you can do is carry on doing what's best for you and your DD and try as best you can to get your parents to recognise some boundaries and keep their silly opinions to themselves.

YANBU that is your choice, and I firmly believe its the reason why me and my mum have a fantastic relationship now. (IBF til 4) and I not (nor is she) ashamed of that fact.
Having said that I know where your coming from, I still BF ds whos nearly 2 the IL's think that it isn't 'natural' and he should be drinking milk squeezed from an animal rather than me!
and I get a lot of flack from it, So I've come to the conclusion that I'm not going to tell them anymore and if they ask just lie about it, It's probably not the best thing to do but maybe the easiest.
Quite frankly I think you deserve a huge pat on the back for doing it so long.

Thanks. I have absolutely no issue with breastfeeding DD - TBH it makes life much more easy and enjoyable and calmer for both of us and I have no intention of stopping unless DD decides she wants to.

I am a trained LLL peer supporter, and my paid job is to support and promote breastfeeding so I feel that I am more than able to make an intelligent decision about when to stop.

It really grates that despite knowing why I still breastfeed and why it is important to me and DD they feel justified in having such a go at me about it

Fortunately I am confident and will breastfeed DD pretty much on demand (and wherever that may be] and would be able to stand my ground if I was ever questionned by anyone on this but my own parents being so horrible to me about it has really upset me

I'm not surprised you are upset. I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better. But I agree with Sneezecake you deserve a pat on the back.

I'm sure your mum and dad are proud of how you are bringing your DD up on the whole, even if they disagree with the bf aspect. What he said about smacking, shouting, etc was hopefully all just said in anger.

Sounds like you are doing a brilliant job. And I think your parents know that really!

I think you need to be really clear with them about how unacceptable their behaviour is, and about who is bringing up this child, and that their role is to be doting grandparents: lucky them, they don't have to worry about the discipline, because it's not their problem.

I would be unwilling to see my parents for a while if they said and did these things. I'm not a single mum though.

You reacted really well in front of your daughter. How horrid for you though.

Mum understands more than dad does and I don't think he would ever smack DD but I was really angry that he shouted in front of her today.

I think what it boils down to is that because we were smacked as children and shouted at (within 'normal' boundaries!) he thinks I should do the same with DD and because I don't he somehow feels I am undermining him as a parent. I find it though offensive tho that he feels that gives him the right to undermine my efforts

I don't have any practical advice but just wanted to add my sympathy.

My grandparents, with whom I am very close, are rabidly anti-BF because "it's messy", "people don't like it" and "DS1 will be jealous". Basically, they don't like it and don't like anyone else doing it, which is why my mum and her siblings were all FF and, in turn, they all FF their own children.

I tried to feed DS1 but it was really difficult and my family basically put pressure on me to FF instead and I ended up giving up really quickly (DH is v.pro BF but doesn't want to tell me what to do). I'm determined to get it right with DS2 when he comes along in Dec but I know I'm going to get hell for it EVERY time I talk to my family....

You are doing what's best for you so sod 'em!

Poor you - what an awful confrontation to have.

Do your parents help you out with your DD's childcare?

I also think you should consider cutting contact for a while, unless you think that any further explanations of how they've made you feel will help the situation.

FWIW you sound like a lovely Mum who is doing the very best for her DD.

Thank you Chunkamatic. They do help but not regularly...although could do with a day next week.

I want to cut contact because I feel it's the only way I can make them see how their behaviour has made me feel but don't want to make the situation worse

I think you can tell them that the things they have said - especially regarding the BF has made you feel like you don't want to spend time with them anymore. You can say that this is both because you are upset and because it has made you feel uncomfortable/undermined with regards your parenting choices.

Maybe say this to your Mum and see how she reacts. You can let them look after your DD from time to time - after all its not her fault and she should not have to miss out on time with them if they are close. Just make it clear that unless they can change their attitiude, or at least learn to keep their opinions to themselves, that you don't want to spend time with them.

I'm sure your Mum will be understanding, just make sure she knows how upset it has made you.

What's disgusting is your father's perverse ideas about breast feeding and I hope you said that. What does he think you are doing and why? Ask him point blank what is wrong with it. He'll be too ashamed of himself to say..

Next time just tell him not to be a pervert and you aren't interested in his help thanks.

I wonder if it might be worth writing them a letter, not to explain your reasons for BF, presumably they already know those, but to explain how the episode made you feel. You are doing very well as a parent, single or otherwise, and the only role that they have is to be supportive to you and DD. If they are unable to do that, much as it upsets you, then they are choosing to limit their relationship with the pair of you.

I hope this gets resolved, you need your parents support, but it has to be on your terms. You are the parent now, they shouldn't be able to bully you into doing things their way.

Stand your ground, you're doing a great job. :)

Well I agree that they should approach things in a much better way.

Different generations often have different ideas about how to bring up children though.

If they don´t agree with what you are doing, why should they support you?

As long as it doesn´t stop you doing things how you want, what´s the problem?

The problem is, they are upsetting OP and shouting in front of her DD.

They should support her because being a parent is hard and that's what friends and family should do.

Don't cut contact. GPs are special and you may create a breech that is not healed. Your dad's opinions are ridiculous imo but it is unlikely that you will be able to change them. Just be clear about where your boundaries are ie no shouting in front of your dd, no comments on your choice of feeding etc

I think GPs hate it when you raise your kids differently to how they raised you. My parents see me not smacking as a criticism of them for smacking.

YANBU to hope for support on everything you choose to do from them, but you may be a bit unreasonable to expect it.

Off on a tangent.... I have had to live with my parents and my 2 DD's for the last 2.5 years and believe me, these things will continue to come up! Just do what you know is right for DD (BF is non-negotiable as is not smacking and shouting!!), compromise on a couple of things that don't matter (let grandma choose pyjamas and some clothes in our case) and everyone can be happy! I realise this isn't applicable in your case, but I think if you can make you parents see that you aren't throwing out ALL of their parenting techniques, their egos will be flattered enough to be at least tolerant of you breastfeeding. If not, sod it - you know you're right!

You told your father not to shout... in his own home?

I would have told you to leave!

Regardless that he shouted in front of your child (who is going to come into contact with raised voices and a diferences of opinion in life whether you like it or not), your father has just as much right to shout in his home as you have to B/F your daughter. Having the right to do things which others don't like has to go two ways.

I don't think your parents should "support" you as I don't believe in doing so if (rightly or wrongly) one doesn't agree with the issue but certainly you may ask them not to continue to criticise you. I'd put it more bluntly and tell them that if they haven't anything good to say I'd rather hear silence!

After all, whats the worst that can happen if they continue to disagree with you B/F? Nothing! You aren't going to stop because they tell you to, are you? They'll just have to accept it.

They are not going to support you BF your DD and it is unreasonable to expect them. They have their own ways of parenting and you have yours and you need to respect each other.

IME GPs do not think that parenting is hard work, they seem to have forgotten. I have soon realised not to expect much support.

I am envious that you have 6 whole hours off at the weekend.

I think you are being a bit precious frankly. My mum doesn't always agree with the way we bring up ds, and when he was younger, neither did my ils, but we agreed to disagree, and I carried on as I chose. I listened out of courtesy to what they said, but only adopted their advice if I wanted to. If I didn't, I ignored (politely) what they said.

You are being very silly if you stop contact with them because they dare (gasp) to have a different opinion to you and you seem to want to punish them because they don't fall in with your opinions on how to parent. They do not have to support you if they disagree. Would you blindly support your dd if she was doing something you didn't agree with? I'll bet you wouldn't.

I completely agree with Diddl's last three lines. Lot's of it is generational and you have to suck that up. Nothing will change that.

I think it's naive to think that they won't see extended breast feeding differently - after all, although it is entirely your choice, it is not a particularly 'common' choice. I know it's not very cool of me to admit it, but I do think it's a bit creepy, even though I fully support your right to chose.

Perhaps you can say to your parents that you don't always agree with how they parented you, and this is your opportunity to bring up your own daughter in the way you best see fit.

YOu can say that you don't have to agree, but I would think that you cannot tell your dad (or anyone else) how to behave in their own homes. You need to remove yourself and then do what you want.

YANBU but I do think you have to accept that GP's often do feel differently about how we parent. I agree that you cannot tell someone how to behave in their own home to a degree, but if their behaviour becomes unacceptable to you or upsetting for your DD I don't see why you should meekly keep your mouth shut. I stepped in when my ex DH started screaming abuse at his mother and I would do the same again. Accept that your parents will feel differently to you and do your own thing anyway.