in expecting my parents to be supportive

[LovingMyNewLife]

I'm a single mum to 1 DC aged 2.5yrs. Work FT, XDH has DD once at weekend for 6 hours and sees her for 45 min once in the week.

Understandably I'm shattered pretty much all the time and rarely get any 'me' time.

DD is still breastfed and this is a choice I am happy with and DD adores her boobie I've known for sometime that parents have had an issue with her breastfeeding as she is getting older. I am more than happy to wait until she self weans.

Today I was at my parents and a row erupted from something trivial and resulted in my dad shouting at me and telling me that I am 'disgusting' for still feeding DD and that is looks 'awful' when I do He also said that I am too soft with DD and if she is naughty I should shout and her and give her a smack on the hand . DD is a pleasant and very normal 2.5yr old. I do deal with any 'unacceptable' behaviour but without raising my voice and though example not chastising her loudly and smacking!

I objected to 1) him raising his voice infront of DD, 2) questionning my parenting methods in favour of smacking and shouting at DD but most of all I was so and so very very at his opinion of my breastfeeding.

I asked him calmly to not shout in front of DD. Allowed him to cool off then went upstairs to him and pointed out that I didn't appreciate him shouting at me infront of DD and with regards to breastfeeding that it is a non-negotiable part of mine and DD's relationship which quite frankly has nothing to do with anyone else.

I then left but tbh he has really really upset me and I feel so hurt at what he said. My mum agreed with him that it looks disgusting but it is my choice.

Sorry this is so long - just needed to get it off my chest more than anything.

Just feel that of everyone my parents should be supportive of me and that even if they disagree with my parenting methods that they could be nicer about it if they feel so strongly that they need to bring it up!

Thanks for all your comments.

Googietheegg Can I ask why you think breastfeeding a two year old is 'creepy'?

I accept that we all have different parenting methods and that of course there will be generational differences. However my point is that my dad was undermining my parenting skills , loudly, aggressively and in front of DD. She was too young to understand the gist of what he was saying but what if he does this when she is able to? would that still be acceptable?

Also I do feel that it is acceptable to ask anyone (including my dad) to stop behaviour which is affecting my DD's wellbeing and his shouting and general nastiness in his tone yesterday was I felt completely unnecessary and was upsetting DD.

I did leave but was unable to do so immediately due to DD being so upset and needed to calm her down first.

I don't expect them to agree with everything that I do/how I parent but surely not too much to ask for them to not question it so rudely and infront of DD?

As some one said earlier, you can't protect her from shouting and nasty tones of voice - she will encounter this at some stage, and very probably when she starts school.

If your dd didn't understand what your Dad was saying, how is that undermining your parenting skills? They are only undermined if you let them be so, and you have to learn to ignore what people think about what you are doing. It takes about 3.5 years, but you will learn to shrug it off (trust me, I've been doing it for 14.5 years now!).

YANBU.

Ok they have different ideas on raising a child but they should keep them to themselves rather than making your life more difficult by voicing their disgust so vocally.
Why you should be the one to ''suck it up'' and smile sweetly when they are being obnoxious about it.
Bf a two year old id not creepy really is it?

Thanks poshsinglemum :) BF a two year (and 8mths :) ) old is fab :)

The reason I think it's a little creepy is that I would worry that anything that sets kids out as 'different' can be a stick for their 'friends' to beat them with, also, I think that it is done more for the satisfaction of the mother rather than the benefit of the child (they can get all their nutrients from food) and I think that it has the potential to give them mixed up feelings about sex when they're older if they knew they were breast fed for longer than 'normal'.

I know I have no facts to support this, or that it matters one jot what I think, and I totally, utterly support your right to choose, but I'm just saying that I don't agree with you, and seemingly nor do your parents, and you need to accept that you have made a choice that is a little out of the ordinary. That's not to say that everything 'ordinary' is good, or better.

Do what's right for you, but just stop trying to get people (esp your parents) to see things your way. They don't, and that's just as valid.

I wouldn't actually cut contact, but I also wouldn't be going out of my way to contact them either.

Definitely leave it for a few weeks until you have had time to have a good think. Perhaps stop going to their place and start seeing them at yours when you do start seeing them again, that way you are on your turf and can feel a lot stronger.

If BFing a 2 year old is creepy then so is giving them a glass of cow's milk - in fact that is slightly creepier IMO.

I don't think there is any need to breastfeed a 2.5 year old. At that age they should be able to take comfort without sucking on a breast. They don't need the milk for nutrients. It's time to move the child on in my opinion.

Well, your father did the wrong thing by saying out loud what he thought, but on the other hand, it's quite usual for your parents or in-laws to think certain aspects of your parenting are wrong. Mine think we are a bit over-indulgent and the children go to bed overly late.

I think you are very sensitive to the BF thing, I'm not sure why though, surely your father isn't the first person to have disapproved, the vast majority of people don't do it to that age and it's not a social norm, so you must have had to toughen yourself up a bit to overcome that especially if you feed in public. I chose to plough on with a cosmetic treatment for my baby when young (which I felt was really important but others considered cosmetic or unnecessary), and lots of people disapproved or stared, but that's being a parent, you make choices best for your child and then have to put on a bit of a hard hat as others will disagree with them.

I don't think you should over-react to this, I would be upset your dad spoke to you like this, but for goodness sake, children will hear raised voices or parents arguing from time to time and unless it's a regular occurrence, I would chalk it up to one of those moments and carry on as normal. It's so important for children to have a relationship with their grandparents, and unless they are truly appalling, I would not do anything to jeopardise that. Let's face it, you disapprove of your parents way of parenting (smacking/discipline), they disapprove of aspects of yours (BF and not smacking), it's fairly even and you need to be quite adult in this situation for your child's sake, rather than a little girl who strops off.

You are over-reacting,and need to agree to disagree.Are you really surprised at a comment about bf a 2.5 year old?It is unusual and comments will be made. Grandparents will naturally state their opinion,and you need to be the bigger person and not be cross about it.

Oh LMNL, what a difficult situation. First of all (and even though you are are a LLL teacher and know waaaay more about bfing than I ever will), WELL DONE for bfing your DD for as long as she wants it.

There are some unhelpful comments on this thread about ebf - please ignore them. You didn't come on here for a debate about ebfing and yet some people seem determined to start one. I suggest to Journey and Googie that they start another thread if they want that debate.

You are entitled to parent as you see fit. GPs do have a duty to support you in that, irrespective of their own personal beliefs and POV. I don't believe that GPs will 'naturally state their opinion' - that's not their role.

And even if they do want to register concerns, there are ways and means of doing so. In anger, in front of your DD is just not acceptable.

I think you do need to clarify with your parents what the boundaries are. Emphasise that they are loved and have an important role but that they need to support you as a parent. Perhaps find some adult time to sit down and explain the merits of ebfing for your DD, and that it is normal in many parts of the world. Likewise, your thinking about why smacking is never acceptable - this one is really important otherwise you may find they decide to smack your DD themselves in future. If they really can't support you (and ask them how they would have felt if their parents hadn't backed them up?) then at that point I think it would be reasonable to say that you won't be spending time at their house in future - but do everything you possibly can before you get there.

I agree that you have to make sure that they would personally never smack your daughter (I read it as they thought you should discipline your daughter more, not them).

I also agree that you should tell your dad that you don't want shouting like that again, you are very upset about it, and you want to move on.

But you can't control what others think, probably 99% of grandparents in this country think EBF at 2.5 years is 'too long' (whatever that means) and that smacking is perfectly acceptable.

I just think on MN that sometimes people don't realise the importance of grandparents. I have so many friends for whom the presence of a grandparent was a key factor in their lives, someone to turn to when they fell out with their parents or even parented by them at times.

My dad's wife also told me I didn't discipline my two enough and that my eldest would have problems at school because of this. I moaned to my husband, I cried a bit that night, but never never would I jeopardise the relationship between grandparent and child (which I don't think should always be controlled and mediated by the parent anyway) unless there was some very serious reason why not. I would be looking to defuse the situation (whilst asking it doesn't happen again) rather than escalate it by trying to get them to agree with EBF and setting boundaries around contact.

I'm not trying to have a debate on extended breast feeding - I clearly stated it is totally your right to choose - what I said is that you cannot be surprised that other people don't agree with it and you can't cut off contact with GPs because of it.

If you believe in it so strongly, stop being such a wet leg and stand up for yourself.