row with neighbour

[domeafavour]

please go easy, cos I am crying and shaking, but I do need to know if I am out of order, and what you would expect.

Neighbour has just knocked on the door, and very snippily asked me if I had water. I said "OMG the plumbers have switched your water off too, I'm really sorry, I told them where to switch the water off so it was just my house"
She said could you just sort it.
So plumbers were right in the middle of fitting sink, said they would be half an hour.
So I went to tell her, and apologise, and she just laid into me.

she said, I haven't told her anything that has been happening with the building, all I was interested in was her signature on party wall agreement and I haven't kept her up to date with anything else, the scaffolding went on to her property(!!!) and there was rubbish on her path.
and since we moved in she feels like i have ignored her and not been very neighbourly, I ignore her in the street(!)

I just kept apologising, and said why didn't you come and say something, you are really angry now, it didn't need to get to this point.
She told me not to tell her when to get angry, and she is still really angry
I told her I was mortified (I am) and I left because I started to cry.

this building project has been a nightmare from start to finish, but they actually haven't done anything for months, although the scaffolding has been up.

From what I can gather, her main arguments are that I didn't keep her posted on what was happening, the scaffolding encroached onto her property(not sure about this, cos it has been taken down now) but it certainly didn't cause any shade or cover her windows.
and that she had rubbish on her path, I can't imagine the builders actually put rubbish on her path, so presumably she is talking about dust?

so should I have told her that we were having a nightmare with the builders and it was delayed, that we ran out of money, could have actually lost the house, money was that big an issue, that we nearly got divorced(still might)

I haven't ignored her, and neither has DH, as far as I am aware. Why would I be ignoring her?
help please?

well she's angry for a reason here......maybe you need to think about things a bit more? think back.....could you have done more,as she says?

Ugh - she sounds dreadful. Why on earth didn't she say something at the time? And it sounds like a lot of it wasn't your fault, but the builders', so if she'd said something then you could've actually done something about it! I know exactly how you feel - it's horrible when someone lays into you totally unexpectedly. Take some deep breaths and have a cup of tea. You don't need to explain anything to her about the money side of things, or your relationship, it's none of her business.

Sounds to me like she is looking for reasons to pick a fight with you. Rise above it and next time you see her, smile and say hello but don't enter into conversation.

that's kinda my question
Is she being unreasonable to get soooo angry about scaffolding and a dusty path, or should I have given her a weekly update.
I don't know
It never occurred to me to let her know how it was going. would you?
I never really see her and we aren't friends. Just say hello, that's it really

Well, if rubbish did spew onto her path, if the scaffolding did encroach on her property, if the building project has been a PITA for her then maybe this is the straw that broke the camel's back, as it were.

What I would do is this; swallow your pride and got round later or tomorrow with a pot plant/bottle of wine/big pink dildo/whatever as a peace-offering, ask if you can start over, tell her that you plan on being more neighbourly and keeping her posted on the building. Ball's in her court then. If she wants to carry on being angry, let her. Probably best to sort it though because not getting on with your neighbours is shitty. HTH :)

Firstly, sorry that you have had such a pants day (and few months by the sound of it)

I can sort of see why she is annoyed - people get v funny about their property, and if the scaffolding has gone on to it, and has been up for months, then that might have made her cranky.

Surely you would be able to see if there was rubbish on her path, if it was just dust, then IMO she is overreacting - but again, people can v particular about their property. It sounds like a culmination of a few minor things - the thing with the water could just be the final straw.

I don't think you need to go right into any details, but explaining that you have been having a nightmare with the builders and apologising again would probably not go amiss - maybe also give her an indication of when the work is expected to be finished

Hope it all works out for you

If there was scaffolding on here path and debris (wether rubbish or dust) affected her property then I think having not been asked about this or been informed of your plans regarding them gives her a certain right to be pissed off when on top of these her water is turned off unannounced.
I'm not saying these things were done on purpose or are completely your fault (part builders and plumbers also), but they are in no way her fault and as you are the one responsible for the actions going on on your property you are the person who it falls upon when your neighbour gets affected.

I think it is going to be impossible for anyone who is not living with you or the neighbour to know the truth of it tbh. Not because I doubt you but because you two could quite honestly have totally different perspectives on the same event.

I have just had two months worth of work on the house, I don't have any close neighbours and it has still been a nightmare.
the builders ( unbeknownst to me) parked one morning in front ofthe flat next door, had loud music on a couple of time. Add to that the vans arriving and the men shouting at each other etc etc

All just the normal experience of having builders in ( and i should stress mine were polite and tidy and tried to keep disruption to a minimum ) but really really fucking annoying. Especially in the summer when we try to enjoy our homes a bit more.

You gritted your teeth through it because it is your work. But she had some of that shit with no benefit.
She probably could have come to you sooner but it sounds like a huge build up of small annoyances rather than one big incident. The knock on the door was probably after a personal final straw.

What I am saying is that I doubt either of you are being unreasoinable. But if it were me I would send her some flowers or take her some chocolates and attempt to make amends.
I don't mean by grovelling but just by saying
' I genuinely had no notion this was bothering you. I wish you had said something so we could discuss it but I don't want you to be angry but nor do I want to feel upset when I have not tried to disrupt you and have tried to be considerate. How can we move on?'

My neighbours are undergoing major bldg work. THey haven't spoken to me about it (party wall excluded of course) and nor do i expect them to. Yes it makes noise, yes it creates dust, but why get upset!?
Some people are too sensitive. I'd bloody not take wine or a pot plant (unless planning to insert it up her a*se). You've apologised, you were not to know how she felt (as i assume you are not a mind reader) and she was too stupid to come and tell you sooner that she was unhappy.

Forget about her and i hope the rest of the build goes well!

yeah, that's what I was thinking cupcakes, but every time I think about it I start to cry.
Bloody useless

Good news is building should be finished today, just fitting the bathroom
bad news is that we have a gas leak, totally unrelated, but gas switched off now
and floor will probably need to be dug up, oh hell

bad day just gets worse

My advice would be like pinkcupcakes... wait till you feel a bit more in control, then pop round to hers with a bunch of flowers or something and apologise (heartfelt or not, lol). Tell her you are sorry she feels she hasn't been kept in the loop regarding the work, but you will try and keep her updated (whether you in fact do or not is neither here nor there).

She might have been having a bad day, and the loss of the water could have been the icing on the cake.

You might even end up tolerable neighbours afterwards.

And yes, she was at fault. But be nice anyway. Can't hurt, can it.

right,deep breath and a cuppa.you're fine.
sounds like it's been an exceedingly stressful time for you,and this has just capped it off.
are the properties adjoining or detatched/own drives and land?
if the latter,i doubt it would have occured to inform her either.
possibly may have introduced myself as new neighbour hoping to move in soon after some building work,but that's it.

to play devil's advocate,maybe there's been constant noise and builder's blocking her drive or dust on her washing?
maybe the rubbish has blown off the skip?

does she seem like a hyacinth bouquet type?if so maybe she thought the house looked a mess and was lowering tone of neighbourhood or something?

in any case,you sound like a perfectly reasonable woman to me,who doesn't like confrontation (like myself )so why don't you leave the dust to settle and invite her round for a cup of tea to talk things through?

if she says no,say ..well fuck off then you unreasonable bitch!

but if that doesn't work,well,you've tried..and you don't have to be bezzi mates just coz she's your neighbour. i'm friendly with all of mine,except the one's who've just monved in next door,and they blatantly ignore me...hang on,it's not you is it?

Sorry she ranted and upset you so much. It's a shame she couldn't have calmly approached you instead of it getting to this point. So from that POV, YANBU.

I would be a bit pissed off about rubbish on my path, even if it was a few cigarette butts, but the that's the builders fault, and I would have spoken to them about it, not you. A bit of dust is to be expected, and again, I'd ask the builders to sweep it up.

I'd also be a bit narked about scaffolding encroaching, if I wasn't expecting it, so maybe she's got an argument there.

Overall, sounds like she's not very assertive and has let small things get on top of her.

I would follow the advice of cupcakes and lauzub

Sounds like your house has been a building site for a while - her attitude was a little testy - but YABU for expecting her not to get fed up, especially as there has been no progress on site for a while - its depressing and messy to live with!

she will probably feel a bit better for having vented and also be completely mortified

you did the right thing by apologising but try not to shift the blame on to her

when you are feeling a bit stronger take her round a card, plant, bottle of vino and say sorry again
ask to start over
explain what has been going on if you want otherwise say sorry for being a bit obtuse

loads of people upset their neighbours unwittingly especially during building work or renovatons
it's how they deal with it once they are aware of the situation that counts

I can completely appreciate that it might have been a pita for her, and for that I am sorry.
But she didn't tell me, I didn't know, and now it all comes out cos she is so angry.
if the situation was reversed, I would have knocked on her door and politely asked for a bit more consideration

pagwatch, I'm gonna nick your words if that's ok!!

I think cupcakes approach is a good one, but I also think anyone who rants at a neighbour until she is reduced to tears is going unnecessarily far.

Have some sweet tea or some carbs and sit down until you feel better. Then try and sort it out later/tomorrow.

Take Pagwatch's advice. She always sounds so reasonable. If I were your neighbour I would be deeply deeply peed off if my water was suddenly turned off. She could have been in the middle of a shower, doing a big wash, whatever. That alone would merit a hugh apology and a bottle of something. Hope you get it sorted - everything that is - sounds like you are having a really bad time.

I don't think it is unreasonable for the onus on communicating about the building work to be on you. It shouldn't have to get to the point where she feels she has to complain.

Look at it from her point of view - new neighbours come in and commence significant renovations that seem to take forever and cause a series of minor problems that never seem to end. How do you know how much inconvenience she feels that she has experienced?

Sorry you have had so many problems with the work - but yes, you should have kept her up to date.

I'd buy her some flowers, apologise again (profusely) and make sure that she knows what the final timeline for completion is.

OP, if you started crying in front of her I would wager that she probably feels a bit of a twat for over-reacting. I've made someone cry on two occasions (both their fault, you understand) and I instantly felt like a prize dick.

I'm not telling you to take a peace-offering because you are in the wrong; there has been an episode of ill communication (you didn't know she was narked because she didn't tell you) but tbh, I can be a little like your neighbour; getting slooooowly annoyed with someone but don't want to confront them then one last thing and BAM! Tantrums o' clock. It's not a healthy way to be but still... I would just advise smoothing over with her just because of the simple fact that presumably, you will be living next to her for some time to come.

And if you do take me up on my advice, when handing over the peace offering, do make sure that you let her know how dreadful this has made you feel and how you haven't stopped crying all day. Should make her feel suitably cuntish.

we haven't just moved in, we have been here 3 years, so maybe she has other issues about us being unneighbourly.
It was a loft conversion, started in Jan, 8 weeks, then painters and carpeter, and tiler last week and bathroom fitters today.
Builders have been a pita, but I don't think they were inconsiderate, they worked very hard, and didn't hang about outside. and no skips or vans, just a load of rubble in my front garden for about a week, but admittedly the scaffolding was an eyesore.
It's a terraced property, so connected to hers.

Alternatively, you could hold an underground rave party at your house this week, complete with bass boxes and airhorns. Show her the true meaning of shite neighbours.

There is no rule of thumb that says you ahve to be big mates with your neighbours, infact i would avoid it. Pleasantries are fine, but she has no need to dictate to you what she expects of you.

The work has most probably just been getting on her nerves though. When we had out scaffolding dh went and swept up next doors neighbours path for them at the end of every day, though that still wasn't good enough as she had a very dusty mat apparently that he had to beat:oso some people are just awkward aswell

can i come if you go down the rave route?

lack of comunication often causes upset

send her some flowers and pop notes throught the door of updates and sweep her path