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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

row with neighbour

88 replies

domeafavour · 17/08/2010 12:51

please go easy, cos I am crying and shaking, but I do need to know if I am out of order, and what you would expect.

Neighbour has just knocked on the door, and very snippily asked me if I had water. I said "OMG the plumbers have switched your water off too, I'm really sorry, I told them where to switch the water off so it was just my house"
She said could you just sort it.
So plumbers were right in the middle of fitting sink, said they would be half an hour.
So I went to tell her, and apologise, and she just laid into me.

she said, I haven't told her anything that has been happening with the building, all I was interested in was her signature on party wall agreement and I haven't kept her up to date with anything else, the scaffolding went on to her property(!!!) and there was rubbish on her path.
and since we moved in she feels like i have ignored her and not been very neighbourly, I ignore her in the street(!)

I just kept apologising, and said why didn't you come and say something, you are really angry now, it didn't need to get to this point.
She told me not to tell her when to get angry, and she is still really angry
I told her I was mortified (I am) and I left because I started to cry.

this building project has been a nightmare from start to finish, but they actually haven't done anything for months, although the scaffolding has been up.

From what I can gather, her main arguments are that I didn't keep her posted on what was happening, the scaffolding encroached onto her property(not sure about this, cos it has been taken down now) but it certainly didn't cause any shade or cover her windows.
and that she had rubbish on her path, I can't imagine the builders actually put rubbish on her path, so presumably she is talking about dust?

so should I have told her that we were having a nightmare with the builders and it was delayed, that we ran out of money, could have actually lost the house, money was that big an issue, that we nearly got divorced(still might)

I haven't ignored her, and neither has DH, as far as I am aware. Why would I be ignoring her?
help please?

OP posts:

diddl · 17/08/2010 14:59

So you´ve been having work done since March & have never said a thing?

Depending on the house it can all sound as if it´s going on in the neighbours as well as the house it´s being done in.

As for the water-well, you should have put the bloody plumbers straight-cheeky gits!

mayorquimby · 17/08/2010 15:03

"Pleasantries are fine, but she has no need to dictate to you what she expects of you."

She does if there's scaffolding encroaching on her property without her permission.

Original poster

domeafavour · 17/08/2010 15:04

no, not since March!
Jan-March for 2 months then nothing recently, but scaffolding been up.

I accept that I could have kept her informed, but I honestly didn't think it would have been that bad for her.
And she wasn't complaining about any noise.... just the scaffolding and rubbish on her path(?)

i just wish she would have said something earlier and then I could have addressed it.
Now she hates me and I'm upset

i am going to apologise again, I have said that a couple of times.
I will take something round there, with a card and i will try and be nice
I'm just upset
It came out of the blue, and even the gasman who was here at the time was shocked at her outburst.

OP posts:

Original poster

domeafavour · 17/08/2010 15:06

i think if the scaffolding was on her property we are talking a couple of inches over the boundary line, nothing was attached to her property.

OP posts:

maryz · 17/08/2010 15:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mayorquimby · 17/08/2010 15:27

but that's still encroaching on her property without her permission.

Original poster

domeafavour · 17/08/2010 15:32

Well the scaffolding wouldn't have bothered me, see i didn't even notice, but then I'm quite laid back. obviously not everyone is the same.

OP posts:

diddl · 17/08/2010 15:34

TBH, scaffolding that´s up for months & not in use is bloody annoying.

Original poster

domeafavour · 17/08/2010 15:35

tell me about it!!

OP posts:

SpringHeeledJack · 17/08/2010 15:38

a lot of people feel vulnerable with scaffolding up

tbh domeafavour whether you'd be bothered about it or not isn't the issue. It's whether it's bothered your neighbour or not!

pagwatch · 17/08/2010 15:39

domeafavour

I think you will feel better when you go around

Either she is a reasonable person who will say ' I know it has only been small things but they have upset me. I am sorry I was so angry' in which case you can both resolve what was just a blow up out of irritating circumstances rather than either of you being terrible people.
Or , if she remains uptight and with no explaination as to why she is so upset, then you can languish in the knowledge that you tried to sort it and apologise but she is being unreasonable.

I think speculating about what may have bothered her is pointless. It could have been loads of things.

I am getting unreasonably upset thatthe gardeners keep leaving the gate open as it means I can't let my dog out. And whilstthey parked very carefullythe builders do not get that I am crap with spatial awareness and so I am anxious every time I try to get on and offthe drive.

They are lovely blokes so I am not saying anything but it is driving me bonkers

Jamieandhismagictorch · 17/08/2010 15:44

maryz / SpringheeledJack /paggy - yes it was a joke

pag knows I don't think she's a wanker

A knobhead, maybe, but not a wanker

Jamieandhismagictorch · 17/08/2010 15:46

that was a joke too

Jamieandhismagictorch · 17/08/2010 15:48

that last post sounded a bit arsey. Meant to add a smiley

minkymonkeymoo · 17/08/2010 15:54

OK, my twopenneth. I have never answered an AIBU before ...

I agree with some of the posters before who state that while it has been stressful for you it is not their problem. Look at it from their POV. They have been living next door to a building site since March with no idea what is happening, when. And when that happens you can act quite unreasonably.

The year I got pregnant my eldery next door neighbour got remarried and went to live at his wife's house while they had his house TOTALLY re-done. It included taking down the chimney and breast (they took the scaffolding down for that little baby at 7.30am on a Sunday morning, it woke me up and I thought the roof was coming down!) We weren't updated at all - they never even had the courtesy to tell us they were doing it! The builder did it as an "as and when" job but it didn't effect them at all as they were living somewhere else. I can honestly say it was hell, not helped by the fact that I was awfully sick and found it hard to rest because of the noise. The next year (when I had my new baby) they had a conservatory built. Again, by the same builder. The difference was they were living in the house. If I saw them and complained at the noise (they started work at either 7am or 6pm ish) the wife would tell me that her husband was finding it all very stressful and was often in tears. I can't say that I cared at all - we had had another year of it and, as someone else has said, they decided to do it - we didn't!

In the end, I came down one morning to find some men in my back garden. They were from next door and planning out the extension. I was livid. However, the straw that broke the camel's back was when a guy came into our garden without asking (again !) to build their wall and trod on my bedding plants. My neighbour gave me a voucher to replace the plants but that wasn't the point.

I do make an effort to get on with my neighbour (my husband doesn't!) because I think it's nicer that way but I am still angry with her for her apparent disregard for our feelings. I know that you have been through a lot but if you at least acknowledge to her that you can see her side, apologise for the scaffolding being on her land (even if it was a few cm's it would have wound her up, I'm sure) and all of the other inconvenience (there will be more that she hasn't mentioned to you - builders parking constantly out front, making noise yadda yadda yadda) it might make it a nicer place to live. Who knows, she might even sympathise with your problems but I would definately acknoweldge hers first!

HTH

pagwatch · 17/08/2010 15:56

I know Jamie was joking. She loves me so.

Original poster

domeafavour · 17/08/2010 16:03

thank you all for your comments
need to stop thinking about this now

just going to repeat this
i just wish she would have said something earlier and then I could have addressed it.
Now she hates me and I'm upset

i am going to apologise again, I have said that a couple of times.
I will take something round there, with a card and i will try and be nice
I'm just upset

OP posts:

SpringHeeledJack · 17/08/2010 16:05

she won't hate you when you go round and say soz

she's obviously been trying to be kind by not complaining- otherwise she would have stormed round ages ago with a rolling pin

she's just snapped today. The two of you will probably end up sharing a bottle of whisky and sobbing at her kitchen table

pagwatch · 17/08/2010 16:08

yes. agree with SHJ.
I am having visions of you both being a bit pissed by bedtime...

SpringHeeledJack · 17/08/2010 16:10

Jamieandhismagictorch · 17/08/2010 16:11

She doesn't hate you. She's just angry, and as I said before, maybe the sort of person who doesn't deal well with confrontation so waits until she's got cross enough to shout. Do something about it and you'll feel better

maryz · 17/08/2010 16:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

diddl · 17/08/2010 16:43

But she probably hasn´t said anything because she doesn´t know what´s going on.

As in-well, they might finish tomorrow, then I´ll look silly for saying anything....

Jamieandhismagictorch · 17/08/2010 16:46

maryz - I've done it myself

I've also posted completely inappropriate things, thinking I was on another thread (I once said "'Tis Pity She's a Whore" on a parenting thread about a 5 year old girl, thinking I was on a funny thread in Chat ...)

pagwatch · 17/08/2010 16:50

arf. I remember that tis pity she's a whore thing..
it was v funny

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