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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to buy toys for my dd at least once a month???

57 replies

ukrainianmum · 17/08/2010 10:37

my second dh, who is not the father to my dd thinks it is too often to buy toys for a girl at least once a month. I say it is normal to do it, coz in any way kids need toys; but my dh says it will lead to the point, zhere she will be spoiled...
so how often will be normal???

OP posts:
JjandtheBeanlovesUnicorns · 17/08/2010 19:01

i used to buy the dcs odd bits when they were small, under one, because there needs change so so rapidly.

now i wouldnt, theyre 3 and 20mnths and would nag and beg and i dont want spoilt children, like my nephew who is 2, expects a toy in every outing, ridiculous.

ds 3, has things like work books, maybe a hotwheel car, a comic with abc 123 stuff in when he does well on his reward chart.

dont set your self up to fail by having a child expect it.

Original poster
ukrainianmum · 17/08/2010 23:20

books she likes, and we have books, specially here in France, they have these series 1001 pictures of animals- from babies of all kind, to horses for the zhole book; she gets books, but she plays with toys also...all her toys are animals... different kind of animals.
she has puzzles, we brought the whole box of them from urkaine..
well, dh consider even soap bubbles that run out fast as a toy... and I dont see it as a gift or something, that should put her on hold for another toy or book.

she understnads totally the reason, that we cannot buy everything and she doesnt ask for everything, but still, seeing her face when I say NO for another time...
plus, money is really not an issue...it is not, the only issue is that his friend's kids are spoiled, he afraids she will be spoiled too.
on the other hand, he bought her Nintendo DS, when I said NO to that, she is perfectly fine on this world without console, and there will be time, when she wil want one. I said to dh that lets keep it on toys level till she wnat to have something different...
and yet, everytime I go to look somthing for her, he starts again with the lecture about spoiled kids

OP posts:
Original poster
ukrainianmum · 17/08/2010 23:24

and about big family- I am not from one, so even for Xmas and Bdays she got little amount of presents...
and here i dont know how it will work with DH family....

OP posts:
Manda25 · 18/08/2010 08:16

I think a parent choosing to buy a little something for a child is very different from a child begging a parent to buy something for them/throwing a paddy ....parent gives in and child gets what they wants.

PosieParker · 18/08/2010 08:31

Actually I think the quickest way to spoil a child is to give them things they do even ask for, makes them jaded and expectant.

OP
"but still, seeing her face when I say NO for another time..." that's what being a parent is all about, making te tough decisions so that you don't set your child up for a lifetime of misery and disappointment. If you really want her to have loads of stuff make her earn it, introduce rewards for making her bed, good table manners etc.

PosieParker · 18/08/2010 08:34

they don't even ask for....

DetectivePotato · 18/08/2010 09:48

My DH keeps buying my DS (2.6) cars. He is car mad and they are stopping selling the ones from the film Cars so he picks them up when he sees them. DS doesn't get them straight away. We gave him 1 recently when he moved nicely into a bed and stayed there. If he has been exceptionally well behaved we will sometimes surprise him with a new car. The are only just over £3 so we don't spend a lot but I do worry that we are spoiling him. Saying that if he asks for something in a shop, he doesn't get it and he is fine with just putting it on the shelf and walking off. I do like buying books though as DS is book mad and I like to encourage that. He could do with some puzzles too really so I am going to get some. If it is educational or stocking up on crafty bits I don't mind.

Coralanne · 18/08/2010 10:05

As a "treat", I took DGD on the bus to the shopping centre. She was so excited. 7 years old and it was only her 2nd bus ride.

It was the highlight of her day.

We did browse in a toy shop and she was pointing out the toys that were "birthday" toys and "Christmas" toys and the "sometimes" toys

Her mum, my DD has obviously got her well trained regarding toys.

PosieParker · 18/08/2010 10:06

Detective.....Are you married to my DH, we have every car from Cars. I used to wonder how he came back from the supermarket so chilled and then found out he not only bought them cars but let them stand in the trolley!!

DetectivePotato · 18/08/2010 10:13

Ha ha. DH is on a mission as they are stopping selling them now. I told him that DS doesn't need every single one but he said its not completing the set. I'm fine with the main ones but when it is some random car that was in the background for all of 2 seconds, I'm really not that bothered! He does come back from various supermarkets with one though and gives me a run down of what they did and didn't have.

Also if you find a Wingo, keep it in the pack. There was one on ebay selling for £125. Apparently it is rare!

PosieParker · 18/08/2010 10:22

Wow, I've just stepped on Wingo in the dining room...ds3 is just discovering really playing with cars.

DetectivePotato · 18/08/2010 10:28

Oh no. I take he isn't perfectly preserved in his original packaging (like you would do with a child around that wants to play with it Wink).

If you ever see one, buy it!! Or 2!!

PosieParker · 18/08/2010 10:34

Thanks!!

Original poster
ukrainianmum · 18/08/2010 12:25

Coralanne, well i didnt said she is begging for toys, and she doesnt throw me drama all the time, in fact she doesnt throw me drama at all if she doesnt get a new toy, so I say she is well trained towards that. and a bus trip should not make a child's day in my opinion, there should be other things, like spending time with grandma.

i dont consider trips toparks and clothes as thing that should stop parents buy toys. when we decide to have a kd, we kow that this little person will need clothes and trips to parks and etc. that in my opinion our duty as a parent. but toys isdifferent. I dont want her to have 35th barbie(though as said earlier she doesnt play with them), but to have a different toy. or lets say a cooking set, or a doctor set, to avoid her using real things for that.
children need toys, nothing wrong to buy them from charity shops, i totally agree, but not to make a child wait for Xmas and bday only to get something that she really likes

OP posts:
mumeeee · 18/08/2010 12:33

YABU. Children don't need toys bought for them every month. Birthdays and Christmas and an occasional treat is normal.Playing with a belt and imagining it's a snake is fine. I see you might need more toys but don't buy her something every month. Playing with whats around the house is as good as playing with toys and lots of children do this,

Whelk · 18/08/2010 12:51

Your dd sounds lovely wishing for happiness in her country!

I think kids generally play much better with fewer toys. Ime those with less tend to share better too. Perhaps it is the accompanying values that come with not placing too much value on materialism.

This is the approach that I try to have with my dd but I find grandparents and family spoil her (although we have asked them not to and it has become less). If we didn't have family close by then I would probably buy more toys.

i think what kids really want is your time.

Whelk · 18/08/2010 12:53

In response to seeing her face drop when you say no to a toy. I agree with whoever said that that is what being a parent is all about.
Because you have bought them, she will expect them each time. If I say no to my dd she shrugs it off and gets on with whatever she was doing but I almost never say yes!!

Coralanne · 19/08/2010 00:25

ukrainianmum, sorry I think you misunderstood me.

Yes, it was the fact that she was going on the bus with Grandma that made her day.

We also purchased a bit of craft stuff that she spent about 3 hours making things with.

I don't think think that there is anything wrong with occasionally buying something small, the same as we give ourselves a little treat sometimes (or a big treat when DH isn't looking).

As long as they understand that they don't need toys etc to make them happy.

It was the simple thing of a bus ride with Grandma that made DGD happy.

She goes on huge exotic holidays, museums,theme parks etc. with her parents but it always comes down to the simple things in life that make it worthwhile.

Ryoko · 19/08/2010 11:30

I think YABU to an extent, I think it's fine to buy the odd toy my mum thinks my son has a lot, but I have no probs buying him a new soft toy or something every so often in the supermarket as they are only £1-£3. the thing is I think you are setting yourself up for trouble if you are buying at least once a month, randomly buying something every so often is one thing but the kid will end up spoiled expecting a new toy once or more a month.

I'd be a bit more random about it if I was you, I just think you shouldn't set up a patten of expectation and as she gets older maybe buy them more as a reward for being a good girl and give her a reason why she's getting it.

colditz · 19/08/2010 11:33

It is too often and she will be spoilt.

take her swimming or pony riding. Don't fill her life with crap she doesn't need and won't appreciate.

colditz · 19/08/2010 11:39

Why are you trying to direct her away from playing with real things? She is developing her imagination, this is NORMAL and HEALTHY and it doesn't mean that she is in any way deprived.

NO child should have every toy they could ever want at their disposal - not only would the child be unbearably spoilt, but how would the child learn to be imaginative and resourceful?

By giving her things to stop her playing with pots and pans and adult shoes, you run the risk of crushing her imagination.

tattycoram · 19/08/2010 11:49

I'm struggling with this at the moment too. We never ever got things bought for us excpet for at Christmas and birtdays and occasionally from visiting relatives. I expected to do the same with my DS but is isn't happening. Just this week DH took him to a museum and bought him a police hat and truncheon Hmm and then brought home from work a toy car track thingy that they had used for something and a toy story mug. I think that's a lot for a three year old in one week, but DH doesnt seem to.

pagwatch · 19/08/2010 12:05

actually I don't think that lots of stuff = spolit or = no imagination

DD has loads of stuff. I buy her things. She asks for things very rarely though and her letter to santa said
Dear santa, I don't mind what I get for chirstmas.. Grin

She also spent monday making a robot costume out of the recycling.

I think avoiding spoling a child is about more than simply how much you spend on them. We buy a lot, I have a lot, she has lots of stuff. I can't easily stick DD in a different enviroment living in isolation from me and her siblings. Going into town , buying a DVD for her brother, some new shoes for me and then saying 'you can't have that because it is not your birthday' is not realistic.
Of course I could do it if we all stopped buying stuff but that would be artifical and to be honest I don't really want to.
DS1 is 17 now and I gave him £100 at the start of the week as he is doing work experience in London. It is Thursday, he has only spent a tenner. He has not sought to exploit that and has even made his sarnies to take in Grin

We make her work at home. We make sure that what we do buy her is something she will respect and value. We do ensure that she spends very little of her time anywhere near the shops - it is mostly holiday trips into town to the cafe that includes shops on route.

But my point is that no child really needs toys. But how we treat our children is only a part of their attitudes to possessions and not the whole. If we are teaching our children to be people and not simply consumers then actually how much they have is not the point

Bingtata · 19/08/2010 19:24

Well said Pagwatch.

Why would you actively seek to deny your children things that you enjoy yourself?

I treat myself regularly to new books. I have an amazon fetish and probably buy myself more than 1 per month. I am not jaded or spoiled and demanding more books. I might treat myself to a magazine, so why shouldn't I treat DD to a comic? I definately go and buy myself some nice make up every now and then and it makes me feel good, so why shouldn't I treat DD to that Littlest Pet Shop she has been hankering after?

I don't say yes to her all the time, just like I don't blow all my own money on stuff for myself. She has to save for things in the same way that I have to save for that pair of boots I would really like.

Do I make her wait until Christmas for a small toy? No, because I don't wait for Christmas either.

DetectivePotato · 19/08/2010 21:24

I agree with the 2 above posts.

I remember coming home from school and my nan had left a new doll on the end of my bed. I was so chuffed. I used to get magazines and bits as well and wasn't spoilt. I enjoy the joy that my DS gets from a new car that I know will be played with to death.

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