Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

to be angry at my sister for telling me about her affair?

31 replies

SheWillBeLoved · 16/08/2010 21:52

Bit of a back story - sister has been with her husband for 17 years. Her best friend died some 15 years ago, and before dying asked her to promise that she would always be there for her kids (who she is Godmother to). She also left behind her husband as well as her kids, and as my sister promised to look after them, she was often round at their house to babysit/see how they were. Sisters husband got insanely jealous, and asked her to choose her friends kids, or him. She chose him.

Fast forward 15 years, and she has gotten back in touch with her God daughters via the dreaded FB, who are now older and have their own kids, and has been sneaking around to their houses whilst her husband is at work to have a cup of tea, sometimes going to their Dads when they are there too as he lives a few streets away from her now.

On a night out on Saturday, she blurted out that she was shagging their Dad, and was often at his when she told us she was going to visit one of the god daughters. She said that it was just sex, and that they laughed about what his late wife would say if she were here. I felt sick to my stomach. Her husband (my daughters Godfather) isn't a bad man, he works hard so that she can stay home sneaking around all day (as she says he is very possessive to the point of she gets changed into her PJ's before he is home from work so that he doesn't think she has been out and bombard her with questions etc if she does go out, she is always texting me to say 'I have told H that I am with you but I am in God daughter A's, don't let him see you!)

God this is fucking long, so sorry. I just need to get it off my chest. I'm so angry at her for putting me in the position of knowing. So angry that she has dragged me and our other sisters into her web of lies by lying to us and making out she was just visiting her God daughters who her jealous husband wouldn't let her see. So angry that she got into a taxi and went to his at the end of our night out after me telling her that it will end in tears.

I know she's a grown woman and can make her own choices, but god she is a stupid fucking twat at times.

OP posts:

DeathandTaxes · 16/08/2010 21:59

Not condoning her, but her dh sounds a bit controlling if she feels she has to be in her pjs when he gets home, whats all that about?

lizandlulu · 16/08/2010 22:00

you are right to be pissed of for her using you as an alibi

not yuanbu

SugarMousePink · 16/08/2010 22:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Vallhala · 16/08/2010 22:06

All I can say is that she's a grown woman and what she does, although it might make you angry, is down to her. BUT... if she is involving you, thats a different matter. If her DH found out the truth the fall-out which could occur as a result of her telling her DH that she's with you could, and probably would be, enormous for you. I'd be inclined to let her get on with it but make it absolutely clear that she is not to use you as an alibi and that you will not lie to her DH if she does it again and you are questioned by him.

I find it a bit worrying that she feels the need to change into pjs when she gets home from work so that her DH doesn't think she's been out though. Do you mean that she does this regardless of her affair? Would he be off with her if he thought she'd been, say, with colleagues for an after-work drink or is this just with respect to her visiting her "Godchildren"?

Is it possible that she has had a previous affair or that her DH has suspected that she has, hence her need to jump into pjs upon her return home from work?

I'll come clean - I have been and AM the other woman, but I would NEVER ask or expect my family or friends to cover for me. That is, imho, pushing the expectations of family/friends affection for me far, far too much.

diddl · 16/08/2010 22:09

What an awful position to be in.

I know once when a friend of mine was seeing someone else I told her that I wouldn´t deliberately tell her husband, but I wouldn´t lie for her either.

But her husband asked her to choose him or her friends children??

Myleetlepony · 16/08/2010 22:09

Her husband sounds like a controlling arse to me, but he still doesn't deserve to be cheated on. If that's an issue she needs to deal with that separately.
I think it fair that you tell her you don't want to hear any more about what she's doing, and you won't be her alibi any more though. Warn her that if her husband rings you to contact her, you would tell him if she wasn't there, but not that you knew where she was.

She's doing wrong, but I do think blood is thicker than water, and she is your sister. I don't condone what she's doing, but you never know what goes on in a marriage behind closed doors, so I think you are wrong to side so strongly with her husband. I think you need to stay out of it, and be ready to pick up the pieces with your sister when it all goes wrong.

Myleetlepony · 16/08/2010 22:11

You know, the two things you've mentioned about her husband, forcing her to choose between him and those children, and the way she changes into her pj's to keep him quiet - that really gives me the creeps. If she was my sister I'd be much more worried about that than the fact that she's having an affair.

nomedoit · 16/08/2010 22:17

The best thing you say about your sister's husband that 'he works hard so she can stay home...' Not exactly a ringing endorsement, is it? I think you are a bit wrapped up in 'righteous anger' i.e. you talk about her 'web of lies'. Web? She's saying she's with you, not plotting the next revolution. Have you got other issues with your sister that are coming into this?

ChippingIn · 16/08/2010 22:56

Sorry, but any man that gives a woman the ultimatum of your dead friends children or me.... wtf?

She should have left him there & then.

Foolishly she didn't.

She needs to decide if she's in or out of her marriage to him.

You need to tell her you will not act as an alibi for her if it's bothering you.

The only people I would be worried about in this are the two (grown up) girls quite frankly.

NarkyPuffin · 16/08/2010 23:43

YANBU to be upset that you have been unwittingly used as an alibi for an affair. Tell her not to use you as an excuse again full stop- for seeing her GDs or their father.

As for the affair, you sound like you know it's her business, but you just wish she'd left you out of it.

Her DH sounds like a gem, but she still chose him over her GDs. I don't blame you for wanting to wash your hands of all the drama.

Original poster

SheWillBeLoved · 17/08/2010 00:27

Thanks for the replies, appreciated :)

Her DH - well, this is the thing. Their relationship started as an affair. He was her ex husbands and children's fathers best friend. Gets better doesn't it? So this is where his insecurities stem from.

I don't think he is as bad as she says he is to be honest. Thinking about it now, his 'controlling' has gotten a lot worse since her little affair has started. I think, and god I know it sounds awful for her sister to be saying this, that she is maybe playing it up, making him sound worse than he is, so that she feels a bit more justified in having an affair. She is bitching about him more, she says he is annoying her more than ever lately.. all of the classic things that somebody who is cheating does.

Their relationship isn't perfect, but given their past, it's no shocker. It's not awful though, by any means. They're always laughing, go out for dinner together a couple of times a week, still have regular sex. So this has just knocked me for 6. I felt sad for her, being in the position of not being able to see her godchildren, so reluctantly agreed to be an alibi if he ever asked - which he didn't. But now, knowing that I was covering for her whilst she was shagging someone else.. I've lost some respect for her now. She is seemingly a strong woman with her head screwed on. I just want to actually slap her.

Oh well, hopefully it'll come to an end soon and she'll gather some strength to either stay or break free. She has done it before.

OP posts:

ChippingIn · 17/08/2010 00:50

Has she thought about how the 'girls' will feel if it all comes out? She's let them down once (unforgivably if you ask me!) and now she's shagging their Dad - she was supposed to be their Mums best friend?

ccpccp · 17/08/2010 08:41

Lets face it - shes a skank with a history of cheating.

Cant believe other posters here are blaming the husband! Hes not the one having an affair. He was right to demand sister choose between him and god-daughters. Lets face it - he was suspicious of her growing relationship with their father.

Time has proved him 100% right.

Suggest other posters look at it in terms of emotionally abused husband who becomes a paranoid wreck due to skank wife, rather than her being the victim.

OP - you need to tell your sister she is being bang out of line. Her behaviour is disgraceful, and you are aiding this by being the one she can talk to to get her guilt off her chest (and do a little boasting at how clever she is too).

loopyloops · 17/08/2010 08:57

Your sister's best friend died and asked her to make sure her Godchildren were OK and she didn't. Never mind the rest of the story. She is a twat, and so is her DH.

Sorry.

ZZZenAgain · 17/08/2010 09:08

"She said that it was just sex, and that they laughed about what his late wife would say if she were here. "

they sound just delightful to me

Animation · 17/08/2010 09:26

I think your sister's probably been struggling in this marriage for some time, but is unable to talk to her husband about it and make any progress. She seems stuck to me, can't communicate with him and can't leave him.

This new guy might be more special than she's admitting - not just sex, he could be providing the emotional connection she's been craving for.

GeekOfTheWeek · 17/08/2010 09:51

Your sister sounds dreadful. Sly, sneaky, underhand, conniving liar.

Leopard and spots etc.

I guess karma is doing its work on her dh but wonder when it will be her turn.

Animation · 17/08/2010 10:22

This is an angry OP which I suspect was hankering for the sister to be condemned harshly on here - why else report that the sister and guy laughed off what the friend would think. Who knows exactly whar happened between them - in that context.

The thing is the sister is having an affair with her best friend's widower - fifteen years on from her death. That doesn't seem so out of the ordinary to me - getting close to each other. She can't talk to her husband - he's controllig and possessive and basically the sister's got herself into a dilemma.

But thank God this is not Saudi Arabia

RunawayWife · 17/08/2010 10:34

Think her DH is a prat to make a fuss 15 years ago making her chose between him and little girls who had just lost their mother, not saying she is doing right, but he sort of deserves it

GeekOfTheWeek · 17/08/2010 10:36

Animation, so surely the best thing is to leave the dreadful dh?

Animation · 17/08/2010 10:44

Geek OfTheWeek.

That seems to be her dilemma. She seems afraid of her husband, and still under his control.

mayorquimby · 17/08/2010 10:47

Sorry but in this case are her husbands paranoia and constant questions not completely justified. He's obviously like this because he suspects she's up to no good and he's dead right. She's off fucking someone else, I'd wager the reason he got jealous and issued the ultimatum was because he suspected she was fucking the other guy in the first place.

GeekOfTheWeek · 17/08/2010 10:57

Agree mayorquimby.

Plus she got with the dh via affair in the first place. He was her 1st husbands mate. Not exactly the basis of a trusting relationship.

Animation · 17/08/2010 11:01

Mayorquimby

Or maybe she should have left him 15 years ago - because seems to me like she's wasted 15 years hanging around. Takes 2 to make a relationship work and from what I can see the husband didn't deliver either.

Miggsie · 17/08/2010 11:05

No one comes out of this smelling of roses and the kids will get hurt.

I don't like her laughing about what her dead friend would have said, that is out of order IMO, even if she had a controlling DH and was getting a bit of affection where she can, saying that is still terrible.

All I can think is the sister wants the OP to encourage her to leave her DH as she doesn't have the strength on her own OR wants OP to tell the DH as the sister doesn't want to.

What a mess.

YANBU to be angry: knowing one half of a partnership is cheating is a true poisoned chalice becuase if you tell DH he will hate you, and if you say nothing and it ocmes out he will hate you for knowing and saying nothing.

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread