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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

my selfish bloody arse of a brother...

40 replies

cupcakesandbunting · 15/08/2010 23:29

This is more of a rant but am more than happy to be told that I am being U...

My brother; 21, never held a job down, got kicked out of school before sitting his GCSEs because he could never be arsed to get out of bed to actually go to school, got kicked out of college for the same. Treats my mum's house like a doss house, talks to her like shite, recently been dumped by his girlfriend for being a serial cheater. He's a delight, as you can see. Hmm

He was due to go to Brighton Uni' in September (managed to get accepted on a music course, he is a bit talented in that area). After my mum and he had a barney over his treatment of his ex-g and people in general, he flounced off to Brighton a month early when mum was away for the weekend without telling any of us. Mum was gutted when she realised and cried for two days. He's bee there two weeks, hasn't contacted any of us but has been bragging at regular intervals about how great his new life is (funded by daddy, of course) hasn't even sent me a message to ask how DS is, despite the fact that he supposedly loves DS (and DS worships him)

Now he has announced that he is coming back for a few days this week. Mum is obviously over the moon that he is coming back and wants to bring him to my house, thinking that I will just forget that he's left DS heartbroken and asking where he is. I don't want him at my house while I feel like this and nor does DH. It's like everyone is supposed to forget what an arse he was before he went just because he upped and went without a word but has now deigned to return, we should all be celebrating like he's a soldier returning from war. Angry

Sorry, don't even expect a reply to this long and dull rant, just feel better getting it off my chest...

OP posts:
HecateQueenOfWitches · 15/08/2010 23:34

He sounds like an arse. But he's been allowed to be one. Doting mummy, eh? well, you can always tell him exactly what you think and hope it gets through, but tbh, if he's treated like royalty and made to feel he can do no wrong, then he'll probably not accept your pov.

All you can do is put your foot down (sounds like someone needs to!) and hope that one day he grows the fuck up.

Original poster
cupcakesandbunting · 15/08/2010 23:38

You're bang on, Hecate. I call my mum Gail Platt. DB could murder and she'd still come up with an excuse for why he's a good boy really. Hmm

I just know that I'm going to get the cat bum mouth from mum when she realises that I will not be relenting on my refusal to let him come round this week. Because it couldn't possibly be his fault that I don't want him here. It will be me with the problem.

OP posts:
thelunar66 · 15/08/2010 23:39

He hasn't contacted you but has been bragging to you.... how can he brag without contact?

He sounds very immature and worthy of ignoring for a good while.

Original poster
cupcakesandbunting · 15/08/2010 23:41

Sorry I meant to say he's been bragging on Facebook!

OP posts:
OTTMummA · 15/08/2010 23:44

ugh, he sounds revolting, can't stand people like you've just described.
If your mum won't treat him how he should be ( like a spoilt brat that needs a hiding ) then i wouldn't be opening my door to him anytime soon.

He needs to grow up and think of others, and if he's been allowed to get away with being so selfish and immature he will carry on won't he.

Original poster
cupcakesandbunting · 15/08/2010 23:48

That's why I'm putting my foot down this time. I'm not treating him like the pampered prince that everyone else seems to think he is.

This is how the little runt manipulates people though; he does things to upset and cause grief but rather than face it and man up, he will do something like threaten to kill himself/run off so that when he next has to face the people he has hurt, they will be in a forgiving mood because they don;t want to upset him, IYSWIM? Grrrrr it makes me so fucking mad!

OP posts:
Heracles · 15/08/2010 23:52

Hmm, it's your house so you have every right to not have him round. I'm always a bit uncomfortable when people get cross because other people liek someone they don't, or choose to be more forgiving (rightly or wrongly - I'm not making that call). It is part of a process that never seems to end well...

Original poster
cupcakesandbunting · 15/08/2010 23:56

I have no problem with my mum "liking" him; if she wants to be a doormat then that's her look out.But I know that I will be expected to feel the same as her, when I don't want to.

My mum has a history of trying to force people into liking him after he's been a dick. He threatened to stab my uncle because he told him to stop talking to my mum like crap Shock Two days later when mum had forgiven him, she announced to my uncle that she wanted to pay for my brother to attend my uncle's wedding in Turkey. My uncle was a bit "erm, do you not understand why I might not want someone who threatened to stab me at my bloody wedding?"

She forgives him, we all must do the same.

OP posts:
OTTMummA · 16/08/2010 00:09

yes, i agree heracles, but her mum should also respect others feelings, in that if they want nowt to do with the sod, she shouldn't force the issue.
Ive had this with my dear brother Hmm we don't speak, but i don't go on at my mum about him, and she doesn't plead with me to forgive him etc, i feel no pressure from her to seek peace or whatever it is lol, because she respects my feelings.

Heracles · 16/08/2010 00:12

Yeah, that seems fair enough; my "uncomfortableness" goes the other way too, after all!

moominmarvellous · 16/08/2010 10:12

YANBU, sounds like he needs someone to stand up to him tbh.

My friends brother was always 'sainted' by their mother. He's 40 now and what could once be passed off as laddish/expected immaturity, now makes him look like one of life's losers. He takes responsibility for nothing.

It won't do your brother any harm to see how his actions affect others once in a while.

fedupofnamechanging · 16/08/2010 10:22

Your mum is doing him no favours and agree that you shouldn't let him in your house at the moment. If fb is his primary method of communication, I would be inclined to send him a private message explaining exactly why you feel as you do and telling him what he needs to do to put the situation right. Someone this over indulged probably doesn't even realise what the problem is.

MorrisZapp · 16/08/2010 10:44

I don't really see what he did wrong?

Went off to uni early?

Is that it?

lauzb · 16/08/2010 10:48

YANBU

He sounds like a bellend from what you have said.

Think you should stand your ground, and explain again to your mum why he will not be welcome at your house when he comes back for his visit (which, incidently, I suspect will also coincide with him trying to fleece your mum for a bit of dosh, as I take it that he is incapable of holding down any sort of job to support himself...?)

Agree with Karma that a fb message may also be worthwhile, if this is his main method of communication.

diddl · 16/08/2010 11:35

If you don´t want to see him-don´t!

Sounds like a typical 21yr old tbh, & your mum does sound a bit dramatic-and perhaps feeds off it all also.

I also find it hard to believe that he´s really that bothered about your son & if he stops seeing him & your son stops "worshipping" him-all to the good, I say.

Squitten · 16/08/2010 12:00

Your mum can be a doormat for him if she likes but your house, your rules. I wouldn't want my son worshipping an idiot like that so perhaps a little difference is not so bad...!

AvrilHeytch · 16/08/2010 12:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

OTTMummA · 16/08/2010 12:26

i don't think it sounds normal to threaten to stab someone then think its ok to go to their wedding?! whatever their age.

diddl · 16/08/2010 12:31

"i don't think it sounds normal to threaten to stab someone then think its ok to go to their wedding?! whatever their age."

Where does it say that?

BonniePrinceBilly · 16/08/2010 12:40

Normal 21 year old? Hmm Sociopathic pampered nightmare 21 year old, not normal by any stretch of the imagination.
What kind of 21 year olds do you people know? Shock

diddl · 16/08/2010 12:47

OK, just seen the bit about threatening to stab his uncle.

OP-was he allowed to go to the wedding?

Well I guess it could work two ways.

Everyone stops "forgiving" him & his mum will realise what he´s like, or she´ll feel even more protective & it´ll be the two of them against the world.

Either way OP, you & your family don´t need to have anything to do with him.

LeoniPoni · 16/08/2010 14:23

From what I've read it seems like you've made up your mind not to have him in your house and you've come to make that decision based on yours, DS's and DH's feelings which is completely reasonable.

Is the real issue the disappointment your DM is going to feel? If so, then stand your ground and don't let yourself feel pressured into allowing your DB back into yours and your family's life before you are ready. It will only cause resentment.

Good luck, nothing irritates the way family upset can!

expatinscotland · 16/08/2010 14:32

He's a wanker.

I wouldn't have him in my house and wouldn't hesitate to tell my own mother why I wouldn't.

GeekOfTheWeek · 16/08/2010 14:34

What expat said.

Not normal 21 year old behaviour imo.

Fontella · 16/08/2010 15:05

Hecate hit the nail on the head in the first sentence. It's your mum that has facilitated this behaviour and continues to do so. You on the other hand won't any longer, and you've got every right. Enough is enough and I wouldn't let your mum's cats bum mouth (lol - love that! Grin) bother you in the slightest. If she can't see the facts where darling son is concerned, that's her problem, not yours.

I've got a 17 year old who did manage to scrape through his GCSE's, but dropped out of college after a few months. He's a lazy little git as well. He's under no illusions with me, and he know that if he doesn't buckle down when he goes back to college in September, then that's it, he's out. He 'left' for two weeks all cocky and arrogant, and I waved him off with a smile on my face (it was like having a holiday with him gone to be honest) and he was practically begging to come back.

I love him, but I'm not going to let him walk all over me (as your mum is doing). She's not doing him any favours by making excuses for him, and neither is your dad for funding him while he dosses about.

Stick to your guns. It will do him good to know he can't behave like he does and treat you and your son like he does, and your mum will just have to lump it.

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