my selfish bloody arse of a brother...

[cupcakesandbunting]

This is more of a rant but am more than happy to be told that I am being U...

My brother; 21, never held a job down, got kicked out of school before sitting his GCSEs because he could never be arsed to get out of bed to actually go to school, got kicked out of college for the same. Treats my mum's house like a doss house, talks to her like shite, recently been dumped by his girlfriend for being a serial cheater. He's a delight, as you can see.

He was due to go to Brighton Uni' in September (managed to get accepted on a music course, he is a bit talented in that area). After my mum and he had a barney over his treatment of his ex-g and people in general, he flounced off to Brighton a month early when mum was away for the weekend without telling any of us. Mum was gutted when she realised and cried for two days. He's bee there two weeks, hasn't contacted any of us but has been bragging at regular intervals about how great his new life is (funded by daddy, of course) hasn't even sent me a message to ask how DS is, despite the fact that he supposedly loves DS (and DS worships him)

Now he has announced that he is coming back for a few days this week. Mum is obviously over the moon that he is coming back and wants to bring him to my house, thinking that I will just forget that he's left DS heartbroken and asking where he is. I don't want him at my house while I feel like this and nor does DH. It's like everyone is supposed to forget what an arse he was before he went just because he upped and went without a word but has now deigned to return, we should all be celebrating like he's a soldier returning from war.

Sorry, don't even expect a reply to this long and dull rant, just feel better getting it off my chest...

YANBU - good on you for making a stand.

Your mum is enabling him to act like a complete twat. She is going to be a classic MN MIL in the future.

YANBU
I think your brother has a kind of depression which has been deepened by people feeling sorry for him
he messes something up, calls for attention - gets it

the more he screws up the more your mum feels sorry for him...

so that how he learned to behave
rather than taking responsibility for his own behaviour, he relies on the outside world to fix it for him
and he can carry on as before
or try new ways of gaining sympathy or attention...

unless he wants to change he will only get worst and carry on with this behaviour pattern for the rest of his life

kayah, that's not depression, that's having grown up with no sense of personal responsibility.

He is 21, and whilst a rather extreme example, I've found that a lot of potentially lovely people are arses at that time (I was one!)

He is an arse now, treat him like one but only with a view to helping him become better. And remember that he can change, keep your opinion of him updated.

Did someone really call this boy a sociopath?

OP,
You are describing by brother, who is also an arse. However,he is 33 years of age and has been the same for years. Your brother will NEVER change because he doesn't have to.
He will continue to behave badly because he gets away with it.
Your mum has to put her foot down, but she probably won't and your brother will continue to be dick.

expatinscotland - maybe we shouldn't call it depression (but why would he not carry on with his gcse's???)

but now he trained people around him to respond in a certain way and feel sorry for him

as long as he can get away with it he's going to be trying...

He sounds like a PITA, no reason it has to be your arse, just say No.

'expatinscotland - maybe we shouldn't call it depression (but why would he not carry on with his gcse's???)'

Because it doesn't sound like it, and it's really insulting to people with bona fide mental illness when people assume anyone who behaves like an arse is mentally ill because the two go hand in hand.

People don't carry on with exams for a whole variety of reasons.

Your brother will NEVER change because he doesn't have to.

This pretty much sums up DH's feelings towards him. He'll never work because he is bankrolled by dad, he'll never stop being a dick because no-one ever tells him he's a dick. Well, up until now.

It's nice to know that no-one thinks that IABU though. It'll give me a bit more backbone for tomorrow when I tell mum that he is absolutely not coming here on thursday. Just wondering how much he will be putting his grubby little hand out for this time.

Oh and BTW, he dropped out of his exams because lying in bed until midday was a more appealing option.

Update on the twat situation

Was supposed to come home yesterday at 11.30pm. Mum got a phonecall at 7.30 from him saying that he was at London Victoria and he had been fined because his ticket was for the day before and he'd not realised. So mum is on the phone to me crying because golden boy isn't coming home and is saying that she wants to pay his train fine and for a new ticket home this weekend. I told her to get a life. I doubt very much he got fined; probably didn't ever have a ticket home because he spent the money on beer/cigarettes and knew if he span a sob story would get one bought for him.

I could just bang my head off the wall in frustration at this. Mum is BROKE. She can barely afford to put petrol in her car yet she wants to fork out £100 for him? He has money; I've seen pictures he has posted on Facebook of his party lifestyle. I've told mum this and she said "does it matter?" I've just called her a doormat. Are people really this thick?

Oooh Cupcakes watch that blood pressure!

I know it must be hard to watch your mum making the same mistake over and over and never learning from it but try not to let it get you down. Your mum is a grown woman who has a choice in how to deal with your brother and she's chosen to take his bad behaviour and just be thankful for whenever he chooses to visit or come home.

All you can do is decide on how you will deal with his behaviour.

He sounds like a brat. I feel sorry for you and even worse for your mum.

oooohhh...sounds like my BIL, (DH's brother) always his mother's little darling.

DH calls him "a total and utter git" who worked out early on that his parents would ALWAYS bail him out, including feeding, clothing and bringing up his kids when he was so full of drugs and alcohol he couldn't move.

But yes, he could do no wrong from his birth so grew up selfish and uncaring.

Just becuase your mum forgives him, you don't need to. I don't think she will ever see him for what he is. My MIL used to go on and on at DH about how he "never visited his brother". DH, being a plain speaker said "that's because he's a total shit, mother", cue MIL saying "oohh, you don't understand him, he's so sensitive" etc etc.

Anyway, once BIL liver collapsed he had to live with his mum and, one day, she rang DH and said "I think you were right. He really is a little shit". He'd taken money from her purse to buy drugs. He was 42...she was 75.

DH read him the riot act...

I sympathise, ignore the bastard, but yes, seeing other people being taken in, is desperately frustrating.

I think I will be taking both of your advice and ignoring him. Except for the text I sent him about an hour ago saying "please do not take money from mum for your train fare home. She is broke. You are not."

It's funny, another poster earlier in the thread said his visit home would coincide with a request for money, I knew it too. Funny how people that don't even know the little fucker have worked him out yet mum cannot! Not entirely sure why she felt the need to tell me she wanted to bail him out either, knowing my feelings about him...