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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want dh to drink from lunchtime every weekend

40 replies

DuffyMoon · 15/08/2010 19:47

Until he falls asleep in the early evening. Dont really want this to be about the effects of drinking per se more as to whether I am too controlling really. If we are not doing anything at the weekend, he will start drinking at lunch time and carry on for the rest of the day. He is amiable and does all the cooking when he is drinking so thats good. But ...... I dont like him doing it - am i being unreasonable though, i am very overweight, is me saying i dont like you drinking any more unreasonable than him saying i dont like you overeating. Should it be ok for him to do what he wants if we are not doing anything - is it bothering me because i am too controlling? i dont think he should do it because i dont, therefore he should stop. Hope this makes sense - would value any thoughts

OP posts:

DunderMifflin · 15/08/2010 19:49

I don't really understand what the negative effects of his behaviour are (not trying to sound flippant) and therefore why it should be a problem for you.

stainesmassif · 15/08/2010 19:50

I wouldn't post this in aibu if I were you, and yes, it sounds as if your dh has a problem with alcohol.

Effjay · 15/08/2010 19:54

I couldn't cope with it, for a whole host of reasons. Not a good example for DCs, bad for health, changes personality and attitude towards doing 'family' things, unable to drive anywhere, etc. etc. I just think weekends should be for quality family time, going out and doing stuff etc. Maybe he's just bored ...?

PotPourri · 15/08/2010 19:54

I don't really get why someone should drink on their own in that way. I think it is a bad lesson in alcohol for your children.

However, you made a good point about the food. Why not talk to him aboiut both of you eating and drinking habits and go on a hralth kick. Say it's for the kids benefit. Even take up swimming ads a family or walking/cycling. Job done (if there really is no addiction to alcohol)

yanbu btw

Original poster

DuffyMoon · 15/08/2010 19:55

I suppose i put it in aibu because i wondered if it would bother anyone else..... I know he has a problem with alcohol. It bothers me that he wants to drink all day and i dont know why but then i can take or leave drinking

OP posts:

proudnsad · 15/08/2010 19:55

You will get a lot of 'he's an alcoholic, what are you doing with him, read him the riot act' responses.

Obviously these things are never that simple.

My dh is similar re weekend 'graze' drinking while cooking etc. Not every Sat or Sun, but fairly regularly drinking all pm. He's on the sofa now, guzzling fizzy water after an afternoon on the wine. We've had rellies round for 'lunch'.

Only you really know if it's a prob and if you're being unreasonable.

It bothers me too about dh, but he's wonderful. His drinking doesn't affect his work or the dc etc. But obviously it ain't ideal.

Do you drink heavily too? Does he drink a lot during the week?

Minxie1977 · 15/08/2010 19:55

You'd have to be able to say why you object to it first.

SloanyPony · 15/08/2010 19:58

I think its perfectly reasonable to post in AIBU if you want to know if you are BU.

YANBU to want him to stop, because it is bad for his health and might be indicative of a problem with alcohol which might get worse if he doesn't sort it.

Original poster

DuffyMoon · 15/08/2010 19:58

I rarely drink and i dont know why i object, is it a part of my urge to control everything. He tends not to drink during the week but that is an agreement between us. If i didnt say anything he would drink everynight

OP posts:

mountainmonkey · 15/08/2010 19:59

YANBU to be concerned about his health. But he's a grown up and its his body- I'm sure he's aware of the health implications. If his behaviour is ok and he manages to function then I wouldn't make a fuss about it beyond asking him to cut down. Does he drink much during the week or is it just a weekend habit?

misscph1973 · 15/08/2010 19:59

Well, it depends, doesn't it?

I guess you are annoyed that he falls asleep early evening? It's not the drinking itself?

My husband is similar. Only he is in a phase at the moment where he wakes up again later at night and is very noisy, shouting and bashing about, he often wakes me again and again all through the night. Then he sleeps it off all next day and I look after the kids after a sleepless night :(

I don't mean to steal you thread, back on subject - I don't think you are being unreasonable or controlling.

I don't understand some men's drinking habits, they seem to be the same as when they were teenagers. I don't think it's very sociable to spend all weekend drinking, certainly not if he starts lunchtime and is passed out early evening.

If that is all he does, fall asleep early, you might want to think of other ways to spend your weekend evenings ;)

bibbitybobbityhat · 15/08/2010 20:01

It depends on how much he drinks overall.

My instinct is that yabu though. You don't want him to drink because you don't want to, is what it appears to boil down to.

SolidGoldBrass · 15/08/2010 20:03

I think if he is not someone who becomes abusive when drunk, and his drinking is not seriously affecting the family budget, then actually YABU. Are there definite negative effects that you haven't mentioned? He's an adult and you are not his boss or his owner. Yes, he is probably drinking more than is healthy for him but it's his liver.

proudnsad · 15/08/2010 20:06

I think you sound overall very reasonable. A lot of wives who don't realy drink much would find it intolerable. Because I also love a drink, though don't drink as much as dh, it in turn makes me feel more empathic and more disapproving of dh (as I disapprove of myself sometimes).

It sounds fair enough if he doesn't really drink during the week. I think that's kind of ok.

sapphireblue · 15/08/2010 20:07

depends on what his behaviour is like when he's drinking and if you have DC's who are watching him do it......

moondog · 15/08/2010 20:09

I think drinking in the day is really bad news generally. It would depress me no end to out up with something like this (people who are drinking aren't operating on all cylinders) but having said that, it would also depress me to be married to someone with a weight problem.

proudnsad · 15/08/2010 20:11

Why drinking 'in the day' moondog?

moondog · 15/08/2010 20:14

Because you are fit for nothing after it.
I find it really slovenly apart from on very occasional occasion. (Not, I hasten to add that I haven't done plenty of it in my time but my personal rule now is never before 7:00pm.)

TotalChaos · 15/08/2010 20:18

agree with Moondog about not liking drinking in the day (unless it's literally one drink with lunch), it makes you a bit dulled and sleepy. Even if it doesn't eat into the family budget too much, it will eat into family time/lifestyle.

expatinscotland · 15/08/2010 20:19

YANBU.

proudnsad · 15/08/2010 20:19

Yeah me too, it ruins me. Wondered if you meant on a 'drink prob' level. Because I believe it's a bit of a red herring. I hate lunchtime drinking but I can really tear up the wine of an eveing sometimes!

moondog · 15/08/2010 20:21

Oh me too!
But that's when the day's activities have been done and you are unwinding around the table, having a good chat, enjoying good food and nice music with nothing to do after but go to bed.

I'm not anti drinking in the slightest!

TheProvincialLady · 15/08/2010 20:22

If he doesn#t have a drink problem now then he is surely well on his way to having one. I could not stand to be around someone who had nothing better to do than to drink himself to sleep from 12pm on a Sturday. How utterly undesirable.

And he may not be an abusive drunk (yet) but it is hardly the sign of a happy man in a healthy relationship. I would wonder where this behaviour is likely to end TBH. People don't just wake up needing to drink 3 bottles of vodka a day every day...there are stages before that. It is a concern that he would drink like that every day given the chance.

Your relationship needs some attention doesn't it?

TheProvincialLady · 15/08/2010 20:24

BTW I mean that the drinking from 12pm is undesirable being every week. I am not anti drinking either (am about to crack open some elderflower liquer...yum).

Ephiny · 15/08/2010 20:24

YANBU, especially if you're concerned about health and the effect on your relationship/family life. I wouldn't like it either.

But as you suggest, if you approach it on health grounds, he would be justified in pointing out your issues with weight/eating (not judging you here, I overeat too!) and if you got angry or upset about that, you'd be on thin ground criticising his drinking.

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