To not want dh to drink from lunchtime every weekend

[DuffyMoon]

Until he falls asleep in the early evening. Dont really want this to be about the effects of drinking per se more as to whether I am too controlling really. If we are not doing anything at the weekend, he will start drinking at lunch time and carry on for the rest of the day. He is amiable and does all the cooking when he is drinking so thats good. But ...... I dont like him doing it - am i being unreasonable though, i am very overweight, is me saying i dont like you drinking any more unreasonable than him saying i dont like you overeating. Should it be ok for him to do what he wants if we are not doing anything - is it bothering me because i am too controlling? i dont think he should do it because i dont, therefore he should stop. Hope this makes sense - would value any thoughts

There you go, OP (Provincial lady)!

Can see both sides of this personally.

On the one hand if he is a happy drunk and still functioning and helping with cooking / dc etc then what is the problem?

On the other hand I wouldn't be best pleased either not least because then you have all the responsibility really don't you? You can't both be bladdered with children to look after.

If the problem only seems to be when you don't have anything on one way round it would be to make more plans at the weekend. We usually are out and about all day (or have people over) anyway - is this worth a shot?

Ah well, each to their own. In my world a bloke drinking himself to sleep every saturday and needing his wife to stop him from doing it during the week too, and the wife not sure whether she is a bit controlling, is not a sign of a healthy drinker or a healthy relationship. But I am a bit totalitarian scary wife less permissive than some folk and it works for me and my poor downtrodden husband

I guess it is better than watching the footie down the pub every sat and Sunday like some blokes do

does he drink everyday he's off work?

Will be interesting when he's retired as he'll be in an alcoholic haze all the time

best advice is someone who said do physical things like cycling , swimming etc in the afternoons to help both of you and your kids

Difficult to know whether YABU or YANBU...

If he does not have a problem with alcohol, and it is a way of relaxing when there is nothing else that is on, and you don't like him drinking, just because it is not something you do much, then I'd say YABU

If you don't like him drinking because each weekend he spends money that you both would like to spend on other things, or he cannot participate / contribute to family activities and responsibilities, or drive to places you need to go to, or if his drinking stops you both from socialising or enjoying yourselves - then I'd say YADNBU

In eaither of these cases, then PotPourri's advice is good, suggest some alternative, like living, eating, drinking and exercising gently, that you can do together to generate gradual changes in your lives.

However, one of your posts suggests that you think he might have a problem with alcohol. If this is the case and if he has a serious problem, then YABU because however unreasonable he is being, you cannot actually do anything about it. You cannot control his drinking, only he can make that decision. Whole different thread.

I'm quite shocked at those who state that so long as he isn't abusive it isn't a problem.

My DH wasn't abusive, or nasty, nor did he display any negative behaviour. But he was hiding a massive drink problem which came to a head when our first child was born. Alcoholism takes all sorts and all you really can't generalise about it.

My DH would hide his drinking unless it was an occasion where he had "permission" to drink in that it was a normal or traditional time to do so. So he'd get hammered at weekends, Fridays, christmas and BBQs etc. Gradually he started going to the pub after work where it was acceptable to have one or two pints, then when he got home from work. Gradually he was drinking all the bloody time.

He became sober 3 years ago and our lives have transformed. As I said, he was never abusive but now he has more energy, more life about him. We communicate better because he isn't thinking about his next drink or recovering from a bender.

YANBU to wish he wouldn't drink. As they say, if it is causing problems at home then it is an indication that there may be a problem. Most alcoholics will deny it.

llareggub, sorry to hear about your difficult past experiences. And yay that your lives have transformed.

But what of the man (my dh) who has always openly drank too much, never increased consumption over time and doesn't impact negatively on our lives (apart from possibly harming his health which I do take seriously) like OP's (I think?).

I know several men who childishly just don't know when to stop. It's not necessarily a drink problem or a relationship problem.

Hmmm interesting replies - his drinking and my eating are the elephants in the room - we both know they are there but dont mention them. Gah! Have to think what to do next and how to stop self medicating with food

Duffy: Basically it's unreasonable to demand that your H stops engaging in his unhealthy behaviours while you continue engaging in yours. As others have said, probably the best way forward is for both of you to try to adopt healthier habits - though even if he chooses not to do so, you can still work on your own issues.

God - I can't think of anything more depressing and boring than living with someone who just slobs arond the place drunk for half the day. Can he really not think of anything better to do??

I am

Weight issues - even morbid obesity - can't be compared to excessive drinking. The impact of excessive drinking on someone's personality and behaviour far outweighs the physical impact of fat on someone's health. Drink affects others in a way that obesity doesn't.

My father is an alcoholic and my mother is morbidly obese. My father was, at one point, just someone who drank 'to unwind' and a pretty decent dad.

Fast forward twenty years and I have a fantastic relationship with my mother and while I do worry about her weight from time to time, she is a great mum and grandmother.

I can no longer speak to my father because his behaviour is so toxic. I haven't seen him since my wedding day three years ago.

Duffymoon, I'm not comparing my situation to yours necessarily, but drinking from lunchtime until sleeping time 'to unwind' is, to my mind, a good deal more unhealthy than carrying a few extra spare tires. I think a lot of people do it but your discomfort needs to be explored a bit further, I think, before I could say if you are being unreasonable or not.

If he's so amiable and functional, what is it you don't like about his drinking? How does it impact on the relationship between you on those Friday nights? Do you feel it's intensified or does it cause you or anyone else a problem?

If you are concerned about his drinking, think it affects how he is with the children, you can't do things in the afternoons, all of that is worrying.

On the other hand, my husband doesn't drink all week, not a big drinker, but does like a beer or two or half a bottle of wine on a Sun lunch, and sometimes a Sat (after taking the children to their activities til about 9-1pm on Sat morning). We often then have a nap , including the children (or they play quietly), and eat quite late in the evening, have a relaxing time at home. He doesn't prioritise drinking and wouldn't drink if we were out for the day, but he'd be pretty annoyed if I said he couldn't drink on Sun afternoons, given it's his time-off and he doesn't drink at any other time. But reading some of the replies on here, that really wouldn't suit some folks who only like drinking in the evening and see day-time drinking as somehow more sinister (my husband comes from a culture in which drinking with long meals is much more usual).

So, I guess the issue is the overall significance of drinking to him, and whether it's really interfering with the life you'd like to lead as a family. My husband's Sun lunch drinking and nap is just fine for us, but it may not be for you and may signify a problem. You also don't say how much he drinks, and I do think there's a big difference between a glass or two of wine with a big lunch and steadily finishing a bottle or two over several hours and being incoherent for the rest of the day.

llareggub, you write that your husband stopped drinking altogether 3 years ago. Why?

Because he is an alcoholic. He went to AA and follows the programme. Detox was horrible. I never want to see anyone go through that again.

Wow, well done your husband!

Must have been quite a strain on the family, the detox - when my husband gave up smoking, it took 2 years, all kinds of remedies like patches, gum etc and he was awful, so short tempered and angry, but in the end his very understanding doctor put him on Zyban (an antidepressant that also works as a quit smoking aid) and a few months on that and he was fine and hasn't smoked since.

Last weekend my husband went on an awful drinking binge and I just lost it, I screamed and shouted. It didn't help. I started making serious plans for kicking him out of the house but he woke up Monday morning and the first words he said was "I have a drinking problem". I never thought he would say it. An hour later he had booked an appointment with his GP and he spent all day apologising to me and although I kept telling him off (well, shouting and screaming), in the end I agreed to giving him another chance.

I don't think he is an alcoholic in the sense that he doesn't need a detox, but he does have a problem, he can't just have a drink or two, he keeps drinking and drinking until he passes out, then he wakes and starts again, and that goes on all night and often early morning. This happens every 6-12 months for a few weeks and then he stops until he has forgotten, which is 6-12 months later, and so the cycle continues.

Wish me luck - I do hope that he can break the cycle but I have my doubts.