AIBU to have contradicted what my friend told her ds about death and God?

[cloudydays]

I was babysitting a friend's son (8) overnight, and he was looking at pictures on the walls in my house and asked about a picture of me (as a teenager) and my Mum with our arms around each other. I told him she was my mother, and he asked where she lived. I told him that sadly she had died when I was young. He said she didn't look old and I said she that she wasn't, that she died because she got very very sick.

He then said "She must not have been good, she must not have believed in God." I asked him what he meant and he said "Mum said if you're very good and believe in God you get to live until you're very old." I was a bit taken aback and wasn't really thinking when I said "No, it's very sad but good people can die before they're old too. She was a very nice lady." He said "That's not what Mum said" and I said "well, I guess different people believe in different things." (I know you can't tell tone by type - none of this was said in an annoyed tone or anything, my tone was gentle).

In the moment, I felt like we were having a conversation about my Mum and I was really just trying to be honest and sensitive about it with him. I also wouldn't want him saying to someone who might be upset (like another child) that someone they loved had died because they "weren't good".

But since it happened, I have felt badly about it because obviously it's not my place to teach him about death or God or any of that, much less to contradict what his mother told him. FWIW, I think it was awful for her to tell him that, God forbid someone close to him should die young or he should spend his childhood afraid he'll be struck down if he puts a foot wrong. But I know it wasn't my place. But should I just have said, "yeah, my Mum was rotten"?! Lol.

He did not seem any way upset after (though who knows what goes on in their minds, laying in bed. I'd hate to think I caused him anxiety), and I have not yet told my friend of the conversation.

There was another thread on here recently about a grandmother telling children about death and that's what made me wonder what your opinions would be in this situation. Is it different to that case, or just another example of someone (me) overstepping the mark with someone else's children?

Do I owe my friend an apology as well as an explanation? Should I tell her at all?

Honestly I'd have done the same as you. That's a belief that needs to be nipped in the bud - what if he'd said it to someone who had recently lost a loved one (and who wasn't as able to deal with it as well as you obviously did)?

I wouldn't apologise, just tell her what he said about your mother, and hopefully she'll realise she needs to revise that view a little bit.

No you weren't unreasonable. In theory it's not for you to talk to him about such sensitive subjects but that is such an ill-advised thing to tell a child, you couldn't be expected to let that view go unchallenged. I'm sure she said it at because she thought it would be comforting to him but honestly she needs to rethink what she tells him. You need to mention it to your friend, I think.

YANBU

If your friend's DS really understood his mum's POV correctly then your friend is being very unreasonable to tell such rubbish to her DS - he will go around offending people until he eventually realises that his mum believes total nonsense or was lying for some reason (to encourage good behaviour?!)

I think you handled it well.

You could mention to your friend that her DS seems to have "misunderstood" what she has told him. This would be less awkward and give her the benefit of the doubt but will still alert her to the fact that she needs to explain better!

Thanks for replies, feel a bit reassured! Should have added that they have had a recent bereavement, the friend's granny who was quite elderly. I am guessing that maybe her ds was unsettled by this (think it would have been the first family death he experienced) and she told him this to comfort him about his own mortality, or maybe hers.

She is s good mum really and I can't imagine she said it to make him behave - God that would be cruel!!

That makes sense, but do point out to her that it's not the best thing for him to be repeating.

Your friend was really silly to say that. It's her place to teach her child about these things, but there are limits to this and IMO she was being highly irresponsible in pushing that stupid belief onto her son. WTF is going to happen if he goes to school one day and one of his friends tells him (for example) that their dad died? Is he going to basically repeat what he said to you? Your friend probably told her son that without thinking through the consequences, but what a bloody stupid thing to say anyway.

I would talk to her about it to avoid any further offence being caused. Don't tell her she's stupid (even though she is), just try to make her understand how much this could upset people.

Out of curiousity, is she deeply religious? It's worrying if she is, as this could actually be the tip of the iceburg. I'd be worried what the poor kid could be hearing aside from this. I don't have a problem with kids being taught to believe in a religion, but I draw the line at teaching things that cause offence to others, and this particular thing clearly has that potential. A little gentle probing of the mother might be in order here. Not sure what you'd be able to do about it if she is actively teaching her child ridiculous stuff, but just you asking might be enough to wake her up.

Oh, and you definitely did not overstep the mark btw.

YANBU. All you might have done differently was to add 'but that's just my opinion, people have a wide range of beliefs'.

YANBU I totally agree with you (I am a Christian), you definitely handled it in the right way. The boy also has to realise that there are different opinions on things and not everything is black and white, parents are not always right eiether such in this case. That is a very funny thing to be teaching a child and not right imo.

from the title i was all prepared to tell you YWBU but, in fact, that wasn't unreasonable at all. as others have said, if tat is what she thinks he should believe, it is bound to get challenged.

of course, the 8 year old may have misinterpreted their parents view.

YANBU - you were just being honest and actually I think you handled it very well.

Good christians get to live to a happy old age ???????? not that is unreasonable!

Good thing that you challenged him about it and nipped it in the bud, as he might like others have said end up offending someone.

Well my parents are completely OTT evangelical christians. I had a very weird childhood. But even THEY never told me that you die young if you're bad! (may be more to do with the fact of them losing my older brother at 19 months though)

YANBU.

YANBU - I don't think it would have been right to leave such a bizarre and potentially hurtful opinion unchallenged. He may have misunderstood, or she may have spoken without thinking, trying to reassure him about death, but it's a very odd thing for him to go round believing. FWIW I don't think there are any mainstream religions which teach that view - it used to be said that some people died young because they were "too good for this world" after all!

I opened this thread to tell you that YBVU but now I have read it I must say YANBU and handled it really well. I shudder at the thought that could have had on someone recently bereaved and not handling it very well.

YANBU. I actually think it's very healthy for children to realise that not all people think the same way and that you have a different perspective and understanding of this issue. No parent knows it all and should not expect that their child has to believe everything they do just because they have told them this is so.
Anyway sounds as if your friend has passed on a very strange and insensitive belief to her son. It needed to be challenged and it seemed to me you did this in a very gentle non-confrontational way without belittling him or his mother in any way.

I agree that you handled this very well indeed. I would also suggest that you have a chat with your friend about this - it may well be that she told him this to reassure him - perhaps he was worried that she or his dad or he himself might die - I can see how a parent might, in those circumstances, say something like 'Oh no, you are a good boy, and God loves you, and you are going to live a very long time'/'Don't worry love, God doesn't take good people away from their children.'

She might not realise that he has taken this on board and thinks that only the bad die young, and good christian folks will live to a ripe old age - and would welcome the chance to explain to him a bit more clearly. She deserves the chance, at least - imagine if a friend of theirs has a child who sadly dies - and this lad tells the parents that it was because the child was a bad person - I'm sure the mum wouldn't want her child to say or believe anything that could cause such hurt.

I hope that made sense - I have a headache and am feeling distinctly dull-witted as a result.

Agree with other that YANBU, handled it well and it's good for the boy to realise that people have different ideas. Your friend probably never even considered that he would go around repeating that to other people so I would definitely mention what happened so that she can talk to him again...

I think you handled it really well. And I think you need a tactful word with your friend as it seems to me there is a strong possibility that he has misunderstood what she said about the death of his grandmother. It seems far more likely that it was something along the lines of how lovely she was, but that she had become very old and had gone to live with God, rather than the good live to be old. It's up to his own parents to put it right; I don't think any denomination has teachings on God's intentions for age of death.

You handled it well. But you must tell her what you said. Else it will come back to haunt you.

I would also speak to the friend. Apart from anything else, I wonder if he simply misunderstood what she said at some point. For example something along the lines of 'naughty boys who climb onto the train tracks die young'.

Quite apart from whether he raises this with a bereaved friend, what would happen if he himself became ill and wondered what he had done to cause it?

I don't believe that any religion teaches you live a long life if you are good and not if you are bad.

she may have said something to comfort him that he has misinterpreted, so no way were you being unreasonable to contradict him, especially as it was in relation to your mum.

YANBU - and I agree that you handled it well, but need to discuss it with her. It is likely that he misunderstood, maybe there was something about it being fine that the Granny died, as she was old and a good person with a good life - you don't know what came before. But definitely raise it with your friend so she knows this is what he thinks.

What an odd thing to say (your friend, that is). Where do martyrs fit into that equation? Joan of Arc must have been furious when she rocked up to heaven...