AIBU to have contradicted what my friend told her ds about death and God?

[cloudydays]

I was babysitting a friend's son (8) overnight, and he was looking at pictures on the walls in my house and asked about a picture of me (as a teenager) and my Mum with our arms around each other. I told him she was my mother, and he asked where she lived. I told him that sadly she had died when I was young. He said she didn't look old and I said she that she wasn't, that she died because she got very very sick.

He then said "She must not have been good, she must not have believed in God." I asked him what he meant and he said "Mum said if you're very good and believe in God you get to live until you're very old." I was a bit taken aback and wasn't really thinking when I said "No, it's very sad but good people can die before they're old too. She was a very nice lady." He said "That's not what Mum said" and I said "well, I guess different people believe in different things." (I know you can't tell tone by type - none of this was said in an annoyed tone or anything, my tone was gentle).

In the moment, I felt like we were having a conversation about my Mum and I was really just trying to be honest and sensitive about it with him. I also wouldn't want him saying to someone who might be upset (like another child) that someone they loved had died because they "weren't good".

But since it happened, I have felt badly about it because obviously it's not my place to teach him about death or God or any of that, much less to contradict what his mother told him. FWIW, I think it was awful for her to tell him that, God forbid someone close to him should die young or he should spend his childhood afraid he'll be struck down if he puts a foot wrong. But I know it wasn't my place. But should I just have said, "yeah, my Mum was rotten"?! Lol.

He did not seem any way upset after (though who knows what goes on in their minds, laying in bed. I'd hate to think I caused him anxiety), and I have not yet told my friend of the conversation.

There was another thread on here recently about a grandmother telling children about death and that's what made me wonder what your opinions would be in this situation. Is it different to that case, or just another example of someone (me) overstepping the mark with someone else's children?

Do I owe my friend an apology as well as an explanation? Should I tell her at all?

In fairness, Heracles, we only know what the child said - and he could well have got hold of the wrong end of the stick, or only part of what his mum was saying.

But if she did actually say this, then the OP was not being unreasonable to have gently explained this to the child.

I think what you said was absolutely fine.

yanbu
I know the other thread you mean and thought that the grandmother in that case was unreasonable. But she'd engineered a 'lesson' on death and did it very deliberately, taking the grandchildren to their great grandfather's grave.

You dealt with surprise questions the best you could and I think you dealt with it really well.

I bet your friend doesn't actually think this herself and had told him such things as actually the truth isn't very nice, and it's so much easier to say "death? No that's not something you have to worry about for a very very (very very very very) long time". It's a cop out. You said the right things I think.

I was all ready to come on here and defend your friends beliefs, but I can't

only good Christians get to live til their old? What about my friend who was killed the day before his 24th birthday; he was a good Christian......

you handled it well, imo... I think she needs to have a review discussion!

Thanks everyone for the feedback and reassurance!

As it happens I spoke to my friend tonight on the phone, and I mentioned my conversation with her son. She was mortified about what her son said but at first she did kind of miss my point and she thought I was upset because he said it about my Mum. Which I really wasn't, I know he was just trying to make sense of things for himself and he's just a kid (a really great kid, as it happens) and didn't understand how a person might feel about him saying a deceased loved one might've had it coming!

Maybe it would gone better face-to-face but she lives a good distance away so I only see her / them every couple of months.

Anyway the conversation got sidetracked a bit because she seemed to be apologising for the fact that he was asking questions about my Mum, and saying she was sorry he upset me. I spent a lot of time and energy and phone minutes trying to get across that his asking was absolutely fine, that I wasn't upset with him, or her, or in general. I told her it was just that I was concerned (as were many of you) that he might be afraid that if he's naughty or has doubts about God, he's going to be struck down. Or that if, God forbid, he or anyone close to him ever does become gravely ill, he'll think it's his or their fault. Or that he might repeat his beliefs to some poor child who is coping with a loss and who might actually wonder if it's true!

I laid out all of these scenarios and in the end, she did understand what I was saying. She acknowledged that he had had a lot of questions after granny died, had had some sleepless nights and was wetting the bed :( and she had perhaps gone overboard in trying to reassure him that he personally did not have to worry about himself or his mum dying for a long, long time. She said she knew as she was saying it that someday soon she'd have to bring the subject up again and revise a bit, but at the time she just wanted to see him through this tough period. She hadn't thought about the fact that he might repeat it in relation to someone else's loved one.

Obviously it's not what she actually believes, she was just grasping at anything to put his little mind at ease.

So, she's going to have another chat with him this weekend, and be a bit more honest about things. I don't envy her.

My own little one is just a baby so this conversation is a few years off. I do tell her about Grandma and other loved ones who have died, so death will never be taboo in our house, but actually explaining that it will happen to me, and her Dad, and her...

If I can hijack my own thread, can I ask if any of you would be willing to share at what age and how you explained to your kids that everyone is going to die someday, even them? And how did they react?

I know that for some it must have come up as a result of a close loss, so I apologise if the question upsets anyone. But its not something I'd thought about before. Which seems ridiculous, because I have thought about how someday I'll have to tell her the truth about Santa Claus!

Oh I meant to say thanks very much to all of you for strongly encouraging me to talk to my friend about it! If not for your unanimous responses I probably would not have. I'm so glad I did,

We told our children very young about death, because their grandmother (dh's mum) died before they were born, so they've always known about that. Then my niece died when they were perhaps 4 and 5, so they went to the funeral and had to understand that they weren't going to see her again and that her mother was very very upset. To be honest the biggest impact on them has probably been when pets have died.

My children have always been inquisitive, and I tend to be fairly straight up. I'm an atheist who has no problem with the idea of dying and then being no more, so I tend to just be very matter of fact. I do recall some worries from the children about me and dh dying, but nothing very significant really. I guess I have just presented it as being part of life and their interest has moved on to something else, which is generally an advantage about talking about "difficult" stuff with young children, as there is only so much abstract stuff they can cope with at a time.

Cloudy - I'm glad you've talked to your friend, and that it was a sort of misunderstanding - I thought that there might be some background about the other mum trying to reassure her son about his or her death.

Well done for having the conversation with her.

Yes well done chatting to her about it - that way she can clarify it with him so he doesn't either worry himself or upset anyone else.

my DDs' grandfather (dh's dad) died when i was pregnant with DD1 so we often talk about him, how he would have loved to meet them and how happy he was that dd1 was on the way.

we do talk about people dying, going to heaven etc. and not seeing them again, until we go to heaven but that those people do still love us and we can pray to them.

i also have said that everyone dies at sometime, hopefully we will be old and have had a happy life but sometimes illnesses or accidents happen so we can never be certain, but we all try to stay healthy and to be safe. Tbh they seemed more concerned what would happen to them if me and dh both died. I explained that they would live with grandma and grandad if it happened when they were both little, but hopefully it wouldn't so not to worry. They seemed quite happy with that answer, "grandma has a big house, cool" they said.

the questions and explanations have all come about naturally over the last few years (they are not 4 and 6). i have tried to stay quite factual and answer their questions as best i could.

for ages they used to call a local graveyard a giant chess game. I have only recently corrected them, saying that it is a memorial garden where when people die you have a headstone to remember them and to visit. i haven't explained there are dead bodies there too.

they are now 4 and 6 i mean...

DD2's friend at school mum died when she was just 3 . when dd was talking about her nanny(childcarer) as her mum, i said it wasn't her mum and that her mum was in heaven.
The DDs were quite shocked by this, DD2 said "mummy's don't go to heaven" and that is when i explained the above about illnesses and sometimes it happens and it is very sad. But that her friend has her sister and her dad, plus her aunty and cousins close by so she is not alone. But that DD must be extra specially nice to her.

Thanks for that amidaiwish. "Grandma has a big house, cool"- that's brilliant =)

Cloudy, think you handled this very well.

We talked to ds about death from when he was quite small. Came up when explaining he actually has two granddads, the one he knows and FIL who died before he was born. He's also asked about it a few times, often because we take a short cut through the churchyard. I've done all the usual 'most people die when they are very old, even older than Nanny (MIL is 74)'.

When he's talked about me dying or him dying I've tried to reassure him that I hope it won't happen for a very long time indeed, but have never been able to give absolute reassurance because it would be untruthful.

Doesn't seem to have worried him at all. Thankfully!

Oh, and when our cat died and dh and I were in bits, I was really worried about telling ds (had taken cat to vets while ds was at school, sadly poor moggie had to be put down). He was four, I think, and really took me aback by saying 'oh dear' and then pausing for 30 seconds before asking 'can we get a kitten?' Children can be astonishingly unbothered sometimes!