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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

...to say I'm uncomfortable with this?

37 replies

flippingnora · 12/08/2010 10:30

My dh has a new work situation where he works solely with a female colleague of 4 years, who I've never met.

They both like a drink and there's been a few instances of her crying and telling him about problems with her marriage when they're out drinking. (I know a wronged woman won't jump on someone else's dp btw!)

Last week he went to to hers to talk about work and when I phoned at 10pm to see if he was on his way home he told me he'd have to stay over, he was drunk. (arguments followed and he apologised)

Last night he got drunk with her on the way back from a meeting.

I don't want it become a habit to get drunk with her after every meeting - not because I don't trust him with her, just because I don't think it's appropriate. And I don't know her so I don't know what she'll behave like.

Just tried to explain this to him and he got really offended saying 'so you think I'm having an affair with her?'

That's not what I'm saying, I'm just uncomfortable with it - we have plans to all meet up, and I know that will help the situation, but was it unreasonable to mention the fact she's a 'she'?

(I wouldn't love it if it was a man either but do you think it being a woman makes a difference?)

OP posts:

Ephiny · 12/08/2010 10:37

YANBU, I would feel uncomfortable about it too. Maybe there's nothing going on, but still he should be able to see how it looks from your perspective. Maybe ask how would he feel if you did the same with a male friend/colleague?

mampam · 12/08/2010 10:37

What an awkward situation.

No I wouldn't be best pleased with my DH getting drunk with a male colleague like this and I certainly wouldn't like it if it were a female one but that could be more about my own insecurities iyswim?

Why did your DH have to 'go to hers to talk about work'? Why couldn't he have just picked up the phone? It was out of hours after all.

In my own opinion I wouldn't be comfortable with my DH spending so much time out of work hours with another woman.

BuntyPenfold · 12/08/2010 10:38

What!! He got drunk at her house and stayed over? Is that what you said?
YANBU to be very angry indeed.

StripeyMoon · 12/08/2010 10:40

YA most definately NBU!!!

Is she still living with her husband? Was he there when your DH stayed over?

LimaCharlie · 12/08/2010 10:43

YADNBU - I would be very uncomfortable with this - there may not be any intentions of an affair on your DH's part but it seems highly inappropriate

Deliaskis · 12/08/2010 10:44

I agree I think it's probably not appropriate, although he probably wants to be friends and helpful to this girl, there is the risk that she starts seeing him as an emotional crutch and then he is torn two ways.

I think rather than being shrill and saying you don't want him spending this much time with another woman (I know you haven't done this!), how about sitting down to talk about it and ask him to be honest with you about whether he would really be OK with this if the situation was completely reversed and it was you out getting drunk regularly with a male colleague. Chances are if he really thinks about it he would not be comfortable with it either and even though it's hard to put your finger on why, it should at least help him to see that it is inconsiderate of him to do this if it makes you feel the way you do.

This is the way DH and I resolve a lot of things (even tiny things like him not ringing me to say he will be late and me worrying etc., usually if he thinks about being in an empty house wondering where I am, he realises that it's just more considerate to call, and does so) and it works.

Deliaskis · 12/08/2010 10:47

I would also point out that she is probably feeling vulnerable at the moment and while it's fine to be supportive of a colleague/friend in this situation, it's really up to him to make sure they both avoid getting into a situation which would compromise their friendship and working relationship (i.e. if she did start relying on him too much.

MarthaSlatternStewart · 12/08/2010 10:48

what BuntyPenfold said???

mampam · 12/08/2010 10:48

You're so wise Deliaskis.

I'm gonna use your advice on my own DH. Could save a few future arguments!

ShakesPear · 12/08/2010 10:50

He is having an affair...open your eyes! :(

Original poster

flippingnora · 12/08/2010 10:51

they are starting up a company together so need to spend lots of time talking things through, and she lives pretty far away which is why he had to stay over.

she does live with her husband and 2 kids, sorry, leaving that bit out makes it sound way worse!

I did ask how he'd feel in my position and he said he'd be fine - don't think he's being honest about that!

yep I think you're right mampam, part of me thinks her being female shouldn't make a difference, I have never seen her as a threat in the past and I do trust dp... I'm just picturing a future of him staying out having fun with another woman, which I don't like even if it's not sexual.

We don't do much together at the mo, maybe I should make an effort there and this will bug me less

OP posts:

BuntyPenfold · 12/08/2010 10:54

Perhaps she could come for meetings at your house then?

minibmw2010 · 12/08/2010 10:55

I think its less about who he is out drinking with, and more the fact that he is out drinking to such excess on a regular basis (without you) ?? That can't be good for him.

HappySlapper · 12/08/2010 10:58

And her husband is ok with your dh staying over? It all seems a bit odd to me. I'm not one to jump on the old 'he's having an affair' bandwagon - but something here doesn't sit right with me, I'm afraid.

Original poster

flippingnora · 12/08/2010 10:58

Yikes, I really don't think he's having an affair!

I know you can't always be sure etc but that's not what I'm thinking

The female colleague has had a really bad time in the past with her husband but is still with him, he basically left her for someone else but then changed his mind. So I suppose a small part of me thinks she's more likely to be unfaithful to him, which is why I mentioned it, but I do trust my dh

OP posts:

mampam · 12/08/2010 10:58

TBH I don't think it should be just down to you to make an effort you both need to make the effort to find time to do stuff together.

I think in this situation you really need to meet her and possibly her family too. Can you invite them all to a BBQ? Might break the ice a bit and you can suss out the situation.

pinkgrapefruitjuice · 12/08/2010 11:00

Its not the fact they are having business meetings or even the overnight thing that would make me worry, its the fact they are getting pissed together all the time.

You do stupid things when youre pissed. Why do they have to get drunk together so regularly?

pigwitch · 12/08/2010 11:01

YANBU. I would be really upset at this situation. Next time they need to talk about work out of work hours tell your DH to invite her over to your house. Then you can suss her out and have control over how much booze is drunk.

griffaloschild · 12/08/2010 11:01

wow - thats bad, but definitely a tricky situation. I would not stand for that behaviour - but then my DH would not stand for it from me either.

Why not suggest that they do not drink together - unless its a social (which perhaps you can attend too?). If they are meeting for work it shouldn't be a problem to cut the drinking and that would prevent the staying over issues?

Good luck - YADNBU by the way

Original poster

flippingnora · 12/08/2010 11:02

yes minibmw I HATE the drinking - I think that is a bigger issue for me, I even wonder if I'm only going on about the female colleague thing because it's something to focus on to be negative about. Drinking to relax/celebrate/deal with stress is so ingrained in his mind though, it's not anywhere near alcoholism or dependancy, but just a big part of who he is, I don't think I'll ever change that.

OP posts:

StealthPolarBear · 12/08/2010 11:02

Forget the affair stuff - they get drunk regularly in the daytime???

StealthPolarBear · 12/08/2010 11:03

"it's not anywhere near alcoholism or dependancy"

you say he drinks after most meetings with her. Unless the meetings usually end in the late afternoon/early evening, that means he is regularly drinking during the day. Sounds like alcoholism to me

Deliaskis · 12/08/2010 11:04

Hmmm, now you've said she lives with DH and kids, I can see why he wouldn't have a prob with you doing this as he is probably thinking he was at her family home with family there etc. Her DH might have been bobbing in and out making drinks etc. It is a bit different. For some reason I had mistakenly assumed she was staying somewhere alone.

Perhaps you will feel better after the meet up?

Or perhaps you could ask him to call you during the evening so you know what time he will be coming in etc.

I'm trying to put myself in your situ and TBH unless you do see this woman as a threat then perhaps there is really no need to feel uncomfortable. I'm thinking about if my DH stayed over at the family home of a female friend/colleague I probably wouldn't be bothered. I would probably be a little more uncomfortable with drinks in a bar etc. on the way home TBH.

suzikettles · 12/08/2010 11:05

I wouldn't be happy if my dh was doing this but it would be the drinking to excess and staying out all night that would annoy me.

I can't see how they can be having very productive meetings if they're sitting about getting pissed .

Jacksmybaby · 12/08/2010 11:14

I would be really unhappy with this BUT it's tricky to say anything without coming across as paranoid and controlling.

I think I agree with others who have said try inviting her over to your house so you can check her out.

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