...to say I'm uncomfortable with this?

[flippingnora]

My dh has a new work situation where he works solely with a female colleague of 4 years, who I've never met.

They both like a drink and there's been a few instances of her crying and telling him about problems with her marriage when they're out drinking. (I know a wronged woman won't jump on someone else's dp btw!)

Last week he went to to hers to talk about work and when I phoned at 10pm to see if he was on his way home he told me he'd have to stay over, he was drunk. (arguments followed and he apologised)

Last night he got drunk with her on the way back from a meeting.

I don't want it become a habit to get drunk with her after every meeting - not because I don't trust him with her, just because I don't think it's appropriate. And I don't know her so I don't know what she'll behave like.

Just tried to explain this to him and he got really offended saying 'so you think I'm having an affair with her?'

That's not what I'm saying, I'm just uncomfortable with it - we have plans to all meet up, and I know that will help the situation, but was it unreasonable to mention the fact she's a 'she'?

(I wouldn't love it if it was a man either but do you think it being a woman makes a difference?)

yes, totally suzikettles, they're not getting much done if they're drinking are they

Maybe I need to read up about alcoholism but I think this isn't it because although he'd prob like to have a drink every day, he'll stop at one if he's not drinking with someone and goes for several days without drinking at all

This has helped to clear my head

I'm going to talk to him about not drinking when they meet for work

I'm going to organise a family meet up

Deliaskis it is in bars/ pubs too, but agree with what you've said

i don't think the issue is being a woman, i would be worried if dh came back home pissed most nights

people, let's not jump to the affair waggon, when i was in my early twenties my best friend was a guy, and i did went to spent weekends alone with him and got very drunk, nothing ever happened, and dh (dboyfriend back then) never had a problem with it, he knew it wasn't sexual.

think carefully op, would it bother you the same if he was with a guy? if so, i wouldn't go to the 'woman' part of the issue when discussing, just tell him it bothers you that he comes back home drunk in a regular basis.

yes I'm starting to think you're right wltknow

tbh, it's easier to see when it is not you.

the important points to put to dh:

1. you do trust him
2. it is the drinking in excess and without you that bothers you, specially if you don't do a lot together.
3. communication needs to be improved and fun introduced to your daily lives, perhaps you could surprise him with something he really likes.

trick to avoid a stupid argument, when he is yelling about something you didn't even say kind of situation, tell him you love him, it is very difficult to shout at someone that is telling you that she loves you.

good luck,

also, some years ago, i had a similar situation, a friend of mine was leaving her husband and came to rely on me too much, dh told me that i was spending too much time with her and i would have to let her deal with it, it is easy to get suck in when a friend is suffering.

I'm finding this a bit confusing. They're 'in a new work situation' together which is starting up a business, just the two of them? Regardless of the gender of those involved then, it doesn't sound vey pofessional to spend all the time together getting pissed not sorting out the business. Plus it is just not a good idea to use a business partner as your shoulder to cry on about your marriage, as it will keep creeping into what should be business discussions. Could you talk to him about it on that level? You will naturally want his business to succeed for the good of your family, and tbh it is almost always difficult to work with people who you also consider friends. I think there is plenty to be concerned about here aside of any notions about affairs and hopefully your DH will see that.

I would be very, very uncomfortable with this

There are several lines being crossed here...

Too much disinhibition (alcohol)

too much personal stuff being shared

inappropriate boundaries being crossed wrt how much time is being taken away from your family

a developing (or developed) problem with alcohol dependency

the wrong signals being given out by your DH, that he remains emotionally available to her

too much time spent together, in a little bubble, away from your family where inappropriate feelings can flourish

I could go on and on

I think this woman is not a friend of your marriage. I would even go so far as to say, I (personally) would think there was at the very least, an emotional affair developing here. Your DH seems OK with pushing more and more boundaries (the regular drinking sessions, getting pissed and having sleepovers etc) and I would wonder exactly where this all this was going...

However, that is me. You seem convinced all is above board, but I think you are being naive. Sorry.

What AnyFucker said- very well put. I wouldn't be at all happy if it was my DH. He is sharing emotional intimacy and quality time with someone outside the marriage, and so is she. No good will come of it!

mmmm yes, i do see what you're saying anyfucker and nestafiesta
I need to think carefully about how to talk to him about this without it making it worse though - the last thing i need is to seem like a shrill untrusting harpy who spoils his fun.

I do have male friends I see without him though, I'd rather be in a relationship where we assume fidelity, even if i am being naive.

I think my issue is with their relationship taking time/intimacy away from me and the family. And the frickin drinking of course, the way I deal with that is a whole new subject probably, he seriously doesn't get why I have a prob with it - I need to look into how to deal with that.

I think he does think of her as a friend, not a really close friend but a friend. He has little understanding of work boundaries anyway, he worked for years with two of his best mates, living with one of them, and had no problem getting wasted in front of people he managed in his last job (believe me we had words about that). In fact we recently had two of his colleagues (one female) sleeping on our sofas after a night out, so I suppose he sees this as no different - they are in their 20s though and live alone with no kids.

to have a productive discussion rather than an argument, dh and i put the statements in positive light, ea, instead of you don't do any housework, i am not your slave; i need help, i feel overwhelmed. or instead i don't like you drinking with that woman; i need you to be more at home to help me, can you come straight from work?
hope that helps.
i think is wise of you to think exactly what you like to say before hand, it is always difficult to say to your partner 'you are not 25 anymore, you have to grow up'

Agree with Anyfucker.

(It's good when you post first - often saves me the effort of typing what I want to say! :) )