Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be hurt and angry?

30 replies

deemented · 11/08/2010 20:12

Two years ago today my husband died.

No one has remembered.

He has three brothers and none of them have bothered, nor have any of my family. Not one message from any close family on either side to say they remember what day it is and were thinking of me and the children. I went up to his grave earlier and no one has been their either.

I feel so sad that he obviously meant so little to them that they can't even be arsed to ring on his anniversary. They forgot his birthday last week too.

Sad
OP posts:
Gigantaur · 11/08/2010 20:14

Oh deemented Sad

That is awful. I am so sorry for your loss and also for teh upset their incosinderation has caused you.

I am sure that they do love him greatly but that life just got in the way of the date.

SirBoobAlot · 11/08/2010 20:14

Oh Dee :( I'm so sorry. And you're not being unreasonable. x

Hassled · 11/08/2010 20:16

No, YANBU. I'm so sorry.

It's inexcusable and shit of them, but I doubt it means your DH meant little to them - it just means they've been shit. What I'm trying (clumsily) to say is that I don't think the one necessarily means the other - people deal with grief in such different ways. But however they deal with it, they should have bloody rung you at the very least.

starmucks · 11/08/2010 20:20

So sorry for your loss.

What a tough day to get through. I'd try not think about your BILS or anyone, but rather focus on the happy times you had with your DH.

You are so entitle to feel hurt and angry but it may not help. [HUGE HUG}

HumphreyCobbler · 11/08/2010 20:27

I am so sorry.

I do think that it doesn't mean that they don't care, just that they don't think of dates.

You are not being unreasonable at all in being angry and hurt.

SassySusan · 11/08/2010 20:27

Dee I'm really sorry.

Coincidentally, I was talking about this issue with another bereaved mum today. Her take was that it doesn't mean they've forgotten your DH - it just means they don't find dates important.

I was a bit upset that so many people ignored Catherine's b'day - it was only 10 weeks after she died, after all. I've been thnking about how I know people will forget the remember day too. It's a really hard one, as I'm sure some people remember, but don't mentionit incase they upset us! To get people to mark the day, I think one almost got to organise them before hand.

I know this is crap - and I feel for you xx

Toughasoldboots · 11/08/2010 20:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Alambil · 11/08/2010 20:48

oh dee that is utterly heartbreaking :(

Original poster
deemented · 11/08/2010 20:53

To be honest, i'm not sure i want to bother saying anything to them at all.

DH's family promised faithfully that they would keep in touch and so far it's been me that has done all the running - me when they've had birthdays that has rung to bring cards and presents over. TBH i'd love to just say 'Feck 'em', but i think it's important for the children to know their daddies side of the family.

My side... well... there a bunch of useless shites who are only interested in themselves.

OP posts:
Mermaidspam · 11/08/2010 21:07

Feck em darling.

The children can still have contact but you needn't.

So sorry for your loss.

SassySusan · 11/08/2010 21:10

Do they remember the DC's birthdays?

maddy68 · 11/08/2010 21:11

I am one of those who just doesn't value dates at all. I wouldn't know the date of any of the deaths in my immediate family. I do however care deeply about them and miss them dreadfully. What I a clumsily saying is that it is just a day to them, not the anniversary of his death. They may actually realise but dont want to cause you any more upset therefore avoid the issue.

Why dont you phone them and ask if they are ok as they could be thinking the same about you - why haven't you contacted them?
I have just read that and it seems harsh and I really dont intend it to sound like that - People grieve in different ways. As for visiting the grave - I still cant visit one grave as I find it too upsetting, my memories are in my mind nit in a cemetary, they cold be feeling likewise x

AuntieMaggie · 11/08/2010 21:11

I'm sorry for you too.. . perhaps they didn't want to mention it incase it upset you?

BranchingOut · 11/08/2010 21:14

That is really upsetting, but on the other hand they might be grieving privately for their son or brother, rather than thinking about the day as it relates to you.

JaneS · 11/08/2010 21:15

Oh, how terrible. I do hope it's as Maggie says, and they didn't know how to say it without upsetting you (still cowardly, imo). Can you maybe ring them and say how (given the date) you are feeling especially in need of a quick word - it might give them the opportunity to make things right, and if not, you've tried and it will then be clear to them they've not done what they should have done.

Original poster
deemented · 11/08/2010 21:20

I spoke to them last week - i rang them as it was BIL's birthday, and then we went and brought cards and gifts. They knew DH's birthday and anniversary were coming up. I;m just sick of doing all the running when it comes to his family... and as for mine, well.. they only call when they want something.

OP posts:
JaneS · 11/08/2010 21:32

That is really awful. Of course you shouldn't do the running here. If you spoke to them only last week, they should have been in touch.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

cupcakesandbunting · 11/08/2010 21:44

YANBU.

Not all people "mark" anniversaries of bereavements, though, so maybe this could be why? Maybe it is too hard for them? Would it have hurt less if they hadn't remembered DH's anniversary if they were generally more supportive?

Un-Mumsnetty hug for OP.

Ilythia · 11/08/2010 21:44

DeeSad I am so sorry, both for the anniversary and this making it harder than it needs to be for you to deal with, iyswim.
Call me if you need a rant, x

cornsilk1010 · 11/08/2010 21:46

That's awful for you.Sad

belledechocolatefluffybunny · 11/08/2010 21:48

Sad Rant away.

pigletmania · 11/08/2010 21:57

Awww deemented I am sorry Sad. I dont blame you, they should at least contact you anyway to see how you are.

corlan · 11/08/2010 22:06

I'm so sorry for your loss Deemented. Sometimes grief has a way of isolating people from each other. Maybe your husband's brothers just find it too hard to talk about. 10 years on, I still find it really difficult to talk about the loss of my brother yet I think about him all the time.You're right though, they should make the effort for the sake of you and your children.

PDog · 11/08/2010 22:23

YANBU to be hurt and angry. Very sorry for your loss.

Maybe they still find it difficult or they may have forgotten Sad. Can you talk to them about it?

I lost my mum 10 years ago. Everyone remembered the first year but then no-one mentioned it. I thought my dad etc might be finding it difficult so I never said anything but now the anniversary of her passing slips past every year, seemingly with me being the only person that remembers. I would love to be able to remember her with people who knew and loved her like I did but it is too awkward now. I spend every anniversary feeling hurt and angry and it is not productive.

You may be fed up of doing all the running but if you don't mention it now, you may regret it in the future.

Heracles · 11/08/2010 23:05

Crikey that's tough. Best wishes. x

Swipe left for the next trending thread