URGH LYING AGAIN!!! (and the same old hypocrisy)

[Citrus81]

DP works full time and his daughter lives with us so I'm main carer of both his and mine children. I like to take DS out during the holidays but DSD won't come out with us, she'll only come if her dad is coming and since he's obviously at work, she spends most of her days in the house on her own. At first DP whinged about me taking DS out all the time and leaving her at home but I explained that I can't just keep DS at home because she won't come out. He reluctantly agreed that it was her own fault she didn't come, she's always invited but always declines.
So anyway DP decides to set some "ground rules" on what I can do with DS (just reading that sentance back makes me realise what a doormat I have become). He says I can take him places like Mcdonalds etc but nothing "nice" like a brewsters meal or a resteraunt meal. He specifically named one resteraunt (lets call it "Flaming Wok" as a place he would be annoyed at me taking DS without him and DSD as that's apparantly the kind of place we should all go together.
Stupidly, I agreed.
I have since refused to take DS to this place because of DP saying we can go when we're ALL available to go.
So a couple of weeks ago DP had a day off work and decided to take DSD into town for her lunch as he doesn't get to spend much time with her. Fair enough. He took her to subway.
Last week, he did the same thing. When he came back I asked where they'd had lunch, he stuttered slightly and then said "subway". I said "again?" and he said "yeah, not as nice as it used to be, don't think I'll go there again". I said "maybe it's because you've had it twice in as many weeks, novelty wearing off?" he looked sheepish and said "yeah, maybe".
So anyway this morning, his bank statement arrived. I opened it by accident (I'm with the same bank, I assumed it was mine) and the bastard only took her to Flaming Wok last week when he said he'd been to subway!
Dont get me wrong, I dont care WHERE he takes her, he could take her for a gormet meal prepared by Mr Ramsey himself for all I care but not when he's telling me under no circumstances can I take DS to this place as its one we all need to go to together ..... and then to LIE to my face and say he'd been to subway and to watch as I tell DS we can't go to FW because it isn't fair to DP and DSD??? Or am I over-reacting??

Have you called the council yet and asked for the private tenancy bond deposit scheme team? They can help you get re-housed, and are there for DSS claimants who don't have a guarantor.

I remember the DVDs thread.

Isn't this poster the 'Boxroom' troll? Scenarios seem remarkably similar................

lulu...this is a regular poster under several (self-confessed) name changes who posts a slight variation of the same problem

she gets the same advice every time

then disappears for a few days...just to come back and start all over again

it is allowed under MN rules, apparently

Calm down.

This is one of those step parenting nightmares.

Just put up with it.

There are always going to be inconsistencies.

ali, yes

boxroom again

it's the summer holidays, my MN time is limited. i don't need to waste time with this load of boswellox.

Shit or get off the pot, woman.

NonnoMum

Even if you just take the OP as a stand alone issue (which it isn't), there's no way that I would be told where I could or couldn't take my child. I would not be in a relationship where the step child is instructed to lie to me about where they have been. I would not be in a relationship where my DP lied to me.... which part of this do you consider normal and why the hell would you put up with it.

You're more barking than the OP - at least she can see it's shit.

But maybe there is an issue with money?

If my DH said 'look we are broke this summer hols, I know you will want to go out and about with the kids, but please keep lunches to the budget end of the spectrum - I'd rather save the the pricier places for when we are all eating out as a family for a treat' Is that not a reasonable request?

Well, actually FN - it might be a reasonable conclusion to come to at the end of a discussion, but I wouldn't be dictated to like that.

Anyway, money hasn't been mentioned in the OP's post - it's (as usual) about his DD 'missing out' even though she is the one choosing not to go - well actually, it's not even really about that - it's about his control freakery.

It's about him deciding what she is allowed or not allowed to do with her own child (as it's not always a money thing - see the thread on DVD's for example).

link please?

I'm astounded at anyone using 'nice' and 'Brewsters' in the smae sentence.

Horses for courses though moondog. Not everyone can stretch to the Ivy!

I'd rather a peanut butter sandwich under a tree than either of those Fellatio!

He needs to grow a pair and tell his DD to get off her lazy arse and stop being such a bitch. She is part of your family and needs to come out with you if you are going out with DS.

And you need to grow a pair and tell him to fuck off. Just because your DSD doesnt want to eat out in these places doesn't mean that your DS won't either.

If I am going out and taking my DCs for lunch, we eat where we want, and if one of them has stayed at home, tough. It is never a case of "Oh DD1 isn't here so we can't do Chuffing Norah's, we will have to go to Gregg's"

Sodding stupid situation.

Well I might agree with you about Brewsters, but I would climb over a peanut butter sandwich to go to the Ivy. If only for a chance to see Kylie Minogue's bottom. I'm not gay, but it is a very famous bottom.

Actually, I'd climb over the tree as well. I'm easily impressed and shallow.

What a ridiculous situation... arguing over flamin woks or whatever. The girl is 13 - tell her to get off her arse and go with you.

Someone link me the trousers thread though please. I need more info before judging.

Erm, I'm not who some of you think I am!! but thanks for the replies yesterday anyway. We have now split (see thread in relationships) and I'm looking forward to single parenthood again!

Single parenthood again? Is your son not his then?

Am I not paying proper attention?

Well, OK, good luck to you.

Sorry if my point seemed lame, but being a step parent is difficult.

There WILL be inconsistencies. It's up to you to decide whether it is worth breaking up your home over.

And all the advice telling him to f off doesn't exactly resolve anything, does it? So, my point is that sometimes you just let some things go, to see the bigger picture.

If the fact that he treated his tricky (and seemingly unhappy) teenager to a clandestine restaurant meal, is a dealbreaker, then so be it.

However, YOU are the adult, and if you couldn't find a way of entertaining both children, then maybe she is better off without you. And asking your DP to insist that she goes out with you just makes you seem weak and ineffectual as a stepparent.

oops, did I get it wrong ?

are you not the OP from the Next school trousers debacle ?

I will seek out your other thread and apologise if that is so

Citrus, I remember you (only under this username) and I thought you were leaving a few weeks ago. You do really need to.

And yes, he's being a twat.

The thing that bothers me most is that the situation requires the DSD to lie to you with permission from her dad.

This can only create a bad example for her of what a relationship is i.e. that its fine for a man to lie to his wife.

Also it drives more of a wedge between you and DSD. Have you already explained why she wont go out with you.