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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be dreading my best mates wedding next friday

33 replies

superv1xen · 11/08/2010 12:06

i am bridesmaid, she is marrying a feckless, controlling, no-prospects cocklodger who everyone can see is an arse apart from my friend. so i have got to sit and smile in my fucking horrible bridesmaid dress and watch her make a stupid mistake.

also they have decreed no kids at the wedding (other than my mates 3 YO dd who is flower girl, she is the exception ) so i have had to beg my mum to take the day off work to have my kids. my mate and her DD are staying at mine the night before (the whole "not seeing her hubby to be on the day" crap) and i know i am gonna get no sleep as my DS and her DD will be up pissing about all night as they have gotta share a bedroom plus my youngest is teething and not sleeping through, so i am gonna feel and look like shit the next day.

plus i hate dont like weddings at teh best of times (when me and dp get married we are going to vegas) but she is my best mate and i have got to grit my teeth and get through it for her...

[[[[[sigh]]]]]]

OP posts:

droves · 11/08/2010 12:14

Why is she staying at yours? can the bloke not go back to his mums for the night?

Its only one day , and if you love your friend more than you hate her bloke , then id do it ...
Chances are if hes a bad as you say the it wont last and she`ll need her friend.
Control freaks often are obnoxious to friend of their partners ...to isolate them.

Original poster

superv1xen · 11/08/2010 12:15

oh and my DP cant even come with me for moral supprt (although he is coming to the evening do) as he can't get the day off work :(

(and thats not a link at the end BTW - not sure why that happened :o )

OP posts:

celebmum · 11/08/2010 12:15

you said it yourself superv1xen... 'got to grit my teeth and get through it for her...'

you're her friend so you have to be there for her on the biggest day of her life and then be there for her if it turns out you are right about this bloke...

Original poster

superv1xen · 11/08/2010 12:26

he probably could, she has asked to ...she wants us to have a girly night the night before, face packs and painting nails etc, and i just couldn't say no to her :( and also my other friend is doing her hair on the day and she has arranged to do it at my house on the day.

yeah he is obnoxious to her friends, the other day i was round there and he had a go at my son for going in the garden without asking ...he is also a lech and makes sexual comments to and about me and my friends other friends. :(

so we have all decided that there is nothing we can say to her as she is head over heels in love with him for some mad reason, but all we can do is be there for her when if it all goes wrong.

an example of his twattishness: at the weekend, i am having a few of my girlfriends round for drinks and food, and she has got to bring her DD with her (who is 3) - because even though he is staying in, he won't babysit for her, instead, he would rather she drag a 3 year old out at night while he sits on his fat lazy arse.

OP posts:

droves · 11/08/2010 12:35

Does she know that hes been making suggestive comments to her friends ?

why havent you all told her ?

Original poster

superv1xen · 11/08/2010 12:40

because he does it while we are there! in a "joking" way. and she just laughs it off but then tells us when he isnt there that it upsets her and makes her feel shit.

btw, this is the same asshole that i posted a thread about a while back who wanted to go lapdancing on his stag do.

OP posts:

droves · 11/08/2010 12:56

Supervixen ...did you not think to reply in a "joking" way that hes a sleezebag who isnt good enough for your friend and that she can do loads better.?

Theres still time to talk her out of it !

ChippingIn · 11/08/2010 13:35

YANBU to be dreading it :(

It's bloody awful having to stand by and watch your friends make big mistakes.

Are you sure that you can't all talk her out of it before then??

He wont babysit for her?? Whether the child is his biologically or not (and I assume it's not), if you are getting married and you have a toddler, you become a 'family' and all that that entails surely?

Great catch isn't he.

Original poster

superv1xen · 11/08/2010 14:15

yeah my friends DD is from a prev relationship. he is her "stepdad" he doesnt babysit. ever. not sure if its because the little girl is not his or because he wouldn't whether she was his or not.

he never babysits. this is not the first time he has been at home and my friend has wanted to do something "child-free" and he has refused to look after her.

he goes on about how much he loves my friends DD as well, and how he "gives every second of his life" to her (his actual words) yet actually doesn't give two shits about the poor little mite.

OP posts:

ChippingIn · 11/08/2010 14:19

What is making your friend so blind to the way he really is?

Original poster

superv1xen · 11/08/2010 14:32

chippingin

she has very low self esteem, she had an ex who treated her like crap as well, she is very non-confrontational, doesnt like standing up for herself, not quite sure why she is like this. i think she is somehow "grateful" that this guy wants her and just can't (or doesn't want to) see what he is really like. and i think she would rather have him than be on her own. its not like she is not stupid, she is a very clever girl but since she has been with him she has just got even more downtrodden. every time i go round the house there is an atmosphere.

also he has fallen out with her mum and another close friend of hers which means she has as well, to the extent they are not speaking or coming to the wedding. very sad.

OP posts:

KERALA1 · 11/08/2010 14:36

My friend married a man who was verbally abusive to her they had split about it a few times. She was really late to the church and DH who hated the guy got really excited and kept stage whispering shes not coming, thank god shes seen sense etc but of course she turned up and married him...What can you do adults make their own decisions.

Original poster

superv1xen · 11/08/2010 14:38

exactly kerala, thats what i mean, she is an adult and got to make her own decisions, all we can do is be there for them when they need us.

OP posts:

comtessa · 11/08/2010 14:38

Please, try and get her to call off the wedding. I married a man who wasn't any good for me - though nowhere near as bad as this! The more entangled she gets, the harder it will be for her to leave.

ChippingIn · 11/08/2010 14:48

:( :( :(

Please don't let anything come between you two - she is going to need you, it's only a matter of time - sadly.

Comtessa - what could anyone have said to make your change your mind?

Marjee · 11/08/2010 14:51

It sounds like theres not much you can do without isolating her further. In your position I would just make it clear that you love her and will always be there if she needs you.

Callisto · 11/08/2010 14:55

I'd say something, I'd have to. And she is going to bring her daughter up to think that being treated like shit by men is normal. Very sad.

cocopear · 11/08/2010 15:02

I agree that you cannot tell her what to do, that will possibly make her fall out with you too, if she goes and tells her DP what you have said, the same may happen to you as what has happened to her other friend and her mum. just keep quiet, smile and be there for her.

JaneS · 11/08/2010 15:04

How sad for you. I reckon all you can do is show her you love her and give her some good memories of friendship that will last - whatever happens with her marriage.

squeaver · 11/08/2010 15:05

So sad. I'm with callisto - I'd have to say something, but I can understand why you don't want to.

comtessa · 12/08/2010 10:15

ChippingIn

"Comtessa - what could anyone have said to make your change your mind?"

Something, anything. It was when I split with him a year or so later that friends said to me that they had thought I was making a mistake, and gave examples from the time before I had married him.
Even my mum didn't say anything but said afterwards that she felt I was not myself with him, etc. If she had said something at the time I would have reconsidered, as that's how I was feeling but just felt I had to go ahead as that was what was expected of me.
Of course everyone is different, but it's worth trying to say something to your friend OP. Even if she gets huffy and doesn't listen, just keep being there as she's going to need you later on.

Onetoomanycornettos · 12/08/2010 10:40

I don't think saying anything at this late stage would make a blind bit of difference. If anything, it will push them together, them against the world.

I once told a friend I didn't think she should marry as she wasn't in love with her fiance but was with someone else (so something not that controversial but hard to say nevertheless). That was one difficult conversation, and of course she went ahead and planned the wedding anyway, meanwhile falling out with me. In the end, she did cancel, a year or so down the line when the other man turned up. So, it all ended fine, but the idea you can say something and other people magically fall into line with your views is a bit unrealistic. You could express some concerns (you don't seem too happy etc) to open a conversation, but if the wedding is tomorrow, you have to support her really at this late stage.

The exception to that is if they are in a violent relationship, I think, but again, it is often the friends and family who are saying the truth that get sidelined and not the abusive partner at least for a while. That's why you have to just 'be there'.

ChippingIn · 12/08/2010 13:48

Comtessa - it sounds like people have already said things like that - hence the 'fallings out' that have gone on. Sad isn't it :(

nomedoit · 12/08/2010 13:56

I'm now in the suit myself camp of life. I moved there when I turned 40. I didn't go to a good friend's wedding (overseas) 18 months ago because it was bloody expensive and I knew it wouldn't last. They split up recently. I also didn't go to DH's family reunion. No one missed me!

Original poster

superv1xen · 12/08/2010 16:48

comtessa - that is how my friend is with him - not "herself". It is like she is nervous around him, she seems to want to always try and please him. And I am glad you got out of your marriage, I hope you are happy now.

and chippingin - yeah, it is because her mum and her other friend voiced their feelings about him that they have fallen out with them, so I don't want the same "fate"

thanks ever so much for all the advice.

OP posts:

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