Worried I'm being selfish and upsetting DP, but don't think AIBU

[AIBUthough]

Baby number one was born by section and MIL and SIL came on the day we went in for the section and stayed for a week. I said at the time I didn't want people staying in our house but DP over-ruled that. They were a huge help and I really appreciated having someone to cook/wash up etc, but I found the lack of privacy in our poky 2 bed house very difficult, especially feeling and looking so bad after a section and having to sit with my boobs out all day trying to get BF going in front of guests. Was very hormonal/emotional and caused an argument with DP at the time because he found a text I'd sent to my mum, moaning about it.

Anyway, DP said last night he was going to ask MIL to stay around the due date to look after DS. I said I didn't want anyone staying, that (as he knew) I'd not wanted it last time but went along with it anyway, that now we also have DS to consider and I really want a few days to get ourselves settled down as a foursome. He gets put out of his bed (which he's not good at staying in anyway) when we have visitors and I don't think extra disruption is fair on him. I would really appreciate MIL's help as she's so good to DS and very diplomatic, and I would scrape cash together to go towards a B&B, or my parents who live 20 mins away have offered room there for her, but I don't want house guests, at least not for a week or so.

DP says that he'll compromise by having her to stay around the due date and then she can stay with my parents after baby comes provided she is happy with that suggestion. Not sure what happens if she isn't happy with it ... DP said he finds the idea of putting her in a B&B offensive. He said if she can't be around then my family aren't allowed to visit.

He's normally very sympathetic and supportive so this must have really upset him. I just felt so sort of exposed last time, I want to lock myself away for a bit. Visitors who stay for a few hours are so different to guests in the house all day and night. And if we had more room it would be easier but last time I sat on the sofa for days with my poor sore boobs hanging out, struggling to get DS to latch on and expectant faces smiling at me from the next chair. I really, really found it miserable and felt vulnerable and naked and just, well I'd say "exposed" is the best word. But they are so lovely and DP is so hurt by all this. Confused this morning and thinking maybe IABU and I should just get over it and be grateful for the involvement and help.

DP says that 'he'll compromise'!?!?!

He sounds like an arse, if you ask me. Why does he care so little about your feelings?

Have you said all this to him? Why can't he understand how vulnerable you felt?

He needs to grow up and stop being so pathetic over it. Your feelings are more important being the person who is going to either have major surgery or do the equivalent of running a marathon with blood involved! He ought to be running around trying to make sure that you feel safe, secure and comfortable, not making sure his mum is happy and he isn't 'hurt'. Poor little diddums!

YADNBU!!!!

I know his priority is me and the baby but he thinks I am being really selfish I reckon. I asked him if he thought that last night and he said he couldn't give me a straight answer, so I think he does see me as selfish.

I don't genuinely think he realises how vulnerable I felt at all, or I'm totally certain he would be more understanding. When I had the section he knew how scared I was and said he felt ready to kill anyone who hurt me but I don't think he grasps the physicalness of the whole getting the baby out thing. He isn't an arse, honest!

When he is the one giving birth and breastfeeding he gets to decide what happens, until then, you do. End of.

He's being a prize tit saying your family can't visit if his mother can't stay - you have offered to put her up at your parents or a B&B, it's not like you are saying she can't see the baby for the first month.

He is being a tool.

It is totally unfair on you to overrule your wishes during such a traumatic and tiring time. And as for banning your family from visiting if you don't do as he says.... GRRR!

My DH wanted his mother to stay when I was due, but I put my foot down. A close friend I could cope with, but in-laws, no matter how well you get on with them, will make you feel more anxious than you need.

Fundamentally, you are not happy with it, so he should graciously accept your compromise of rooming her with your parents.

TBH, if it were me I'd shout and cry until I got my own way. And no, YANBU, he is. And he's being a tool. Remember that.

Definitely a prize tit and totally unreasonable (him, not you). I would have FREAKED if me DH had invited people to stay after having either of my DCs. Show him this thread and tell him to sod off.

You are the one having a baby and how you feel is of paramount importance here. He had his way last time, you felt uncomfortable and that is not how you should be made to feel when you have just had a baby.
I'm sorry, but your DP does not sound nice. He should be worrying less about his mum (who sounds lovely and would probably be very understanding) and more about how he can make life as comfortable for you as possible.
You don't need your MIL to stay with you. I'm sure your 'D'P is more than capable of looking after your DC once you get out of hospital. I would tell him that this is non negotiable and if he didn't start considering how you feel, he could fuck off back to his mothers house on a permanent basis!

I think he's being awful. Put your foot down.

can you ask your own mum to come? or at least suggest that she will be staying with you instead just to see what his reaction is?

I'd call his mother today and explain it all exactly as you have to us. I'd thank her for caring and say that if she wanted to visit during the time around the due date, I'd feel more comfortable with her staying in a B&B. (By the way, what do YOUR parents think of the idea of MIL staying with them? Or has DP not bothered to ask them if they might accommodate her?).

THEN I'd TELL Dp what was going to happen and remind him that when he gives birth and b/f's he can make the decisions.

What is wrong with him looking after his OWN partner and children anyway? Why does he need Mummy's help to keep his house clean and look after his son whilst you're giving birth/looking after baby?

Sorry, but he's being an utter arse and this sort of controlling behaviour rings alarm bells to me.

I totally disagree. He sounds like he's trying to make everyone happy at once. And you did say that your MIL was a huge help once she arrived. i think he just doesn't understand the real visceral feeling of vulnerability when you're a woman who's just given birth. And remember it's his family too - I know that after mine was born I was floundering and terrified that I was getting it wrong and all I wanted was my Mum. So it seemed reasonable to me that my husband wanted his Mum too.

That said, I do think your concerns are worthwhile. The fact that DS would be displaced is a huge one, for me - it's so tricky for an older child to adjust to a newcomer, without that routine disruption as well. Do you get along well enough with your MIL to have a chat to her personally about this, and frame it that way?

I think your husband is just being kneejerk about saying that your family can't visit if his can't, honestly. He'll rethink that.

Let's be clear here, you are being totally accomodating, more so than I would be tbh. You have more than given weight to his idea, as you tried it last time. You acknowledge that while there were definite positives to it, it didn't work out to the point where you would find it okay to have it happen again.

My gut says that your DH is extremely misguided and slightly controlling. You need to put your foot down with him now. Don't wait until MIL has arrived or on the verge of arrival. Boundaries need to be set now and as firmly as it takes to make your DH understand that what you say goes and that's the end of it.

I also think his juvenile comment about not having your family round was just throwing toys out of the pram and trying to get his own way. Don't let him. You're giving birth, you make the rules immediately afterwards.

Good luck!

totlly agree with Valhalla

YANBU, you have a balanced view of how useful MIL could be but you instinct (with evidence from last time) tells you you're not comfortable.

talk to MIL, she wants to help- but she probably felt a bit wierd being at yours whwn you needed a bit more privacy too.

DH needs to wind his neck in.

good luck.

Oh my god, he should try squeezing out a watermelon/having one's tummy used as an emergency exit/having one's udders out and pawed at all day and then see how he feels emotionally afterwards!

YADNBU

What tortoise says, makes complete sense to me.

Can't YOUR parents stay?

Show him this thread - he obviously hasn't realised how this is making you feel and he needs to be made aware straight away.

Thanks all. I agree, he's not being horrible, just wants his mum around and is conscious that she will desperately want not to miss anything. My parents work, his mum doesn't. Having said that, they live locally and would easily manage to do emergency childcare at short notice if I went into labour quickly! TBH I wouldn't want my own parents staying either. I would find it easier to have my own mum staying than someone else's, obviously, but I'd still rather it was just the four of us. Remembering how messed up and loopy I felt last time I just want to be tucked up with my wee family and looked after by DP.

I'm not going to speak to MIL about this myself because much as she's understanding I think DP should be the one to tell her. I don't want her to think I've laid down the law I guess. I don't want to hurt her feelings at all, and I am so grateful for her help, but really I'd rather just have some space.

I'm sure he's not being controlling, he just doesn't want his mum to miss out (particularly if it meant mine got more involvement it seems!) and hasn't got a clue how bad it made me feel last time. I have tried and tried to explain it to him like I have here, but I think when I say I felt vulnerable he hears me criticising his family. Which I'm not, far from it - I just can't imagine there being anyone in the world other than DP and DS who I would happily have live in my home while I am getting to grips with the first days of a new baby.

Your dp is being massively selfish imo.

Is he always so dismissive of your feelings?

YANBU at all.

Why are your feelings so unimportant?

YANBU

The man's an idiot. You're not going abroad any time soon, she'll get "her turn".

Call his bluff, lay down the rules.

And how does one "find a text"?

Heracles makes a good point, I would be fuming if dh looked through my texts and then had the nerve to start an argument because he didn't like what he'd read! I really think you need to show your dp this thread. My inlaws came to stay for 3 days after ds was born and I found it way too much. Much as I love them I felt so vulnerable after ds was born and like you said exposed. There was no privacy there at all, I had to take the mw to the bedroom when she came to visit and whisper to her because I felt so embarrassed to talk in front of them. Yanbu at all for you.

OP - you sound like a very very very reasonable and accomodating person. This may be the one time to put your foot down.

There is scope for compromise (the B&B, your ILs staying at your parents) - its not like you are saying that you never want your ILs to visit/stay ever again.

You have to make your DH understand how important this is to you. To my mind, how a DH treats his DW during pg/childbirth/early days with newborn, says a lot about them as a person/partner.

YANBU. When I bf DS1 with guests present I used to take him off to the bedroom. I had to swaddle him to stop his hands going in his mouth when I tried to feed, one always managed to get out and with me only having 2 hands to hold him/pull his fist out of his mouth modesty went out the window! Not to mention the squirts of milk that went who knows where!

And its bad enough that all and sundry seem to pop in when your in labour at maternity, the least you can hope for is some privacy at home and if you want to slob around in your pj's for the day you can. And I don't blame you on not wanting to turf out DS1 from HIS bed.

Perhaps every time you have to bf with someone watching he could get his winky out, just to show solidarity?

Hope you get through to him, childbirth is draining enough without not being able to relax in your own home.

Heracles is right - how rude to look at your texts.

Your DH isn't 'compromising'. You did it his way once; now at the very least, you should be able to do it your way.

Just a thought - does your MIL show any sign of really wanting to be cramped into the house with you either? She may feel just as awkward as you do, perhaps she could be a good ally here?