Worried I'm being selfish and upsetting DP, but don't think AIBU

[AIBUthough]

Baby number one was born by section and MIL and SIL came on the day we went in for the section and stayed for a week. I said at the time I didn't want people staying in our house but DP over-ruled that. They were a huge help and I really appreciated having someone to cook/wash up etc, but I found the lack of privacy in our poky 2 bed house very difficult, especially feeling and looking so bad after a section and having to sit with my boobs out all day trying to get BF going in front of guests. Was very hormonal/emotional and caused an argument with DP at the time because he found a text I'd sent to my mum, moaning about it.

Anyway, DP said last night he was going to ask MIL to stay around the due date to look after DS. I said I didn't want anyone staying, that (as he knew) I'd not wanted it last time but went along with it anyway, that now we also have DS to consider and I really want a few days to get ourselves settled down as a foursome. He gets put out of his bed (which he's not good at staying in anyway) when we have visitors and I don't think extra disruption is fair on him. I would really appreciate MIL's help as she's so good to DS and very diplomatic, and I would scrape cash together to go towards a B&B, or my parents who live 20 mins away have offered room there for her, but I don't want house guests, at least not for a week or so.

DP says that he'll compromise by having her to stay around the due date and then she can stay with my parents after baby comes provided she is happy with that suggestion. Not sure what happens if she isn't happy with it ... DP said he finds the idea of putting her in a B&B offensive. He said if she can't be around then my family aren't allowed to visit.

He's normally very sympathetic and supportive so this must have really upset him. I just felt so sort of exposed last time, I want to lock myself away for a bit. Visitors who stay for a few hours are so different to guests in the house all day and night. And if we had more room it would be easier but last time I sat on the sofa for days with my poor sore boobs hanging out, struggling to get DS to latch on and expectant faces smiling at me from the next chair. I really, really found it miserable and felt vulnerable and naked and just, well I'd say "exposed" is the best word. But they are so lovely and DP is so hurt by all this. Confused this morning and thinking maybe IABU and I should just get over it and be grateful for the involvement and help.

I'm rereading my posts now, think he sounds like a real git from what you lot are saying and he honestly isn't!

MIL will definitely be happy with being squashed in. She'd LOVE to be here, I am sure of that. Hence being reticent about talking to her myself, I really don't want to hurt her feelings.

I can't recall how the text thing came about, I probably left my phone open at that text or something. I'm sure we'd have had a row about that as well if he'd been prying. There was nothing to hide, anyway, I was just venting and wouldn't have ever said to him what i could say to my mum because he's so close to his mum he'd be hurt. I don't mind him looking at my phone generally.

I LOVE the suggestion that he gets his bits out too

I really honestly am not with a monster, he's fab usually, but when it comes to his mum he's very single-minded and protective. Maybe because he lost his dad when he was quite young and feels he has to look after her (bit of layperson psychology there but I've always kind of thought he's that way because he feels responsible for her somehow). Way more than I am with my parents, but then his relationship with her is in many ways really different to the relationship I have with mine. In our own relationship I am quite "in charge" in that I tend to look after money/mortgage etc and do the organising and perhaps he sees me as less in need of an advocate than his mum? Off at a tangent here, sorry ... basically he's not that bad!

Ah, I see. Yes, that does make a lot of sense. The way I read it, you felt he'd snooped on the text and didn't like to say so, and I (for one) felt bad for you. But then, my DP knows my mobile isn't a private communication device, so if it's like that for you I understand a lot more.

I don't know, not knowing you, but can you possibly sit down with him and explain how much you like and respect your MIL, but that this is really not fair on her? As far as I can see, he is (in the nicest possible way) trading on her generosity in wanting to help out. However much she loves being there - and I'm sure she does - there must be aspects of being in such a crowded house that aren't fun. He needs to realize that he is in a unique position here - he doesn't mind seeing you in your intimate moments, and he has a parent-child relationship with the other adult in the house. By default, he's in the least stressful position, so he needs to listen to you, even if it seems a bit OTT to him.

I've posted in AIBU before about DP annoying me and been shocked at the responses, so I do know how you feel! But I do think you need to sit down and talk.

This has probably been said already but if your MIL is as nice and helpful as you say, you should speak to her yourself "woman to woman". She has been there and done that, and will probably understand EXACTLY what you mean. Best of luck with your new baby x

Maybe you could say that MIL could stay so long as your dh is happy to be there all day wearing a top that stops at the waist and no pants or trousers and a daffodil (or any other seasonal flower or veg of choice ) stuck out of his bum (ie so naked from the waist down, all bits out and on show) so that he is as naked and vulnerable as you are at the same time... and it's not like you are asking him to be as sore or bleeding/leaking milk as you will be on top of being around half naked when trying to bf.

even if his mil (ie your mum) pops in...

I am guessing that you probably won't want him parading around like that in reality but it might make him stop and think a bit more about what it is like for you, particularly if he is going to be reverting to the playground and doing the 'if my mum can't then your mum can't come either' - you're merely using his own tactic against him.

And tell him that you can see that he is hurt by this but that he doesn't seem to see or understand that you were very hurt too by his lack of understanding at a time in your life when you were feeling particularly vulnerable and needed him to be fighting for you and not making things more difficult. And get him to explain to you exactly how he thinks you should be feeling (according to him) when you are sitting there feeling sore and poorly and exposed with people watching and making things more difficult for you.

And if she does come, I would definitely try to set yourself up to be comfortable (and away from peering eyes) upstairs - any chance of a tv in the bedroom or comfy chair that could be up there? I couldn't bf ds1 but ds2 did manage to - but to start with only lying on the bed with him lying next to me or across me. Maybe you could use the excuse that you can't get new dc to bf sitting up this time and get mw to show you the lying down holds and really practice them so that you are able to have a reason to escape when needed.

good luck - it's horrid being in a situation like this and even worse when you know that you have to go through it again , hope fully you will get dh to be a little more understanding this time...

oops took too long writing last post and cross posted suggestions

Hi Aibuthough. I haven't really got any advice about your MIL and obviously it should be up to you who you have in your environment at this time. YANBU about that.

Just wanted to add that hopefully there won't be quite so much sitting around with sore boobs hanging out the second time round...there wasn't for me at least and there was loads the first time!! You might not feel so vulnerable as you did with your first baby.

On saying that though it should be YOUR decision and you should do exactly what will make you feel secure.

Fuck the mil, this is YOUR special time, it about YOU and how you feel. Personally id put my foot down and failing that id go and stay with my parents so she cant intrude upon me.

Compromise my arse.
Your his wife, youll be vulnerable and you should be his priority, if he doesnt get that now your likeley to have all sorts of intrusions as your children get older with a husband who wont put you first.

YANBU to want some privacy in your own home at a time like this, it's unreasonable to expect you be in any state for being sociable or having house guests. It's completely unfair and unpleasant of him to try to force this on you, especially after you've explained how unhappy and stressed you felt last time. Surely he can see that can't be good for a new mum?

As for help with cooking/cleaning and looking after your DS, can't he help with that himself? After all it's his house and his child! Does he feel that sort of work can only be done by a woman?