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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask dp to stay home from work today?

35 replies

skyeplusbump · 11/08/2010 10:05

honestly have no idea anymore...36 weeks pregnant,screaming,tantruming 2 yr old,no sleep due to bh contractions and weird pregnancy nightmares...
asked dp to stay home today when i woke up at 6am,he would have been able to give 2 1/2hrs notice...he ignored me(just didnt say anything)and left for work like i hadnt said anything,when i called to ask him why,he said "i cant just call in sick whenever you feel a bit tired"
so now im sat here in tears trying to be a mother wondering how the hell im going to cope when there's two of them.
and i cant help wondering:
is he right?! aibu?!

OP posts:
violethill · 11/08/2010 10:13

He should have answered you rather than waiting for you to call later. But tbh he can't really take a day off just because you've had a broken night and your toddler is at the screaming stage. It's not like it's a one-off thing, it's quite usual to be having pretty dreadful nights by 36 weeks pregnancy - I mean what if its another 6 weeks til the baby arrives?

You'll cope with two - imagining it is hard but you will

ChippingIn · 11/08/2010 10:14

YANBU but neither is he.

It's tough on both of you.

YABU in that he has a job, presumably he's financially supporting the family so I wouldn't have asked him. I think it's better to save sickies/days off for when they are really needed.

HIBU in that he didn't discuss it with you. He just ignored you and that's not good enough in any relationship. He's also right in what he said, but wrong in the way he said it.

You will cope, frankly I think it's easier when they are here than when you are 36 weeks pregnant with nightmares and BH!!

Do you have any family or friends that could take your 2 year old out for a few hours? You'll be suprised at the number of people who would be only to happy to help if they knew...

If not do you have a soft play, cafe with play area etc that you could go and have a sit in while the 2 year old runs off some steam?

Will said 2 yr old watch DVD's while you nap on the sofa?

Do whatever it takes (almost!!) to get through the day will as much resting as possible.

When DP does get home - hand over the 2 year old and go to bed - spend the day looking forward to it!! Any complaints from him - tell him to get used to it!!

Chil1234 · 11/08/2010 10:15

Do you have friends or family nearby that you could get to come round and look after your 2yo for a while? Let you get some sleep? Nothing looks good when you're tired and stressed. Ideally, he should have opted to stay home and help, but I can understand why a quiet day at the office is preferable to the alternative.

bedubabe · 11/08/2010 10:19

Were you asking him to call in sick to to take a day off? If call in sick you were asking him to lie and YABU (bur he shouldn't have ignored you!) if take a day YANBU

LIZS · 11/08/2010 10:19

yabu - you may have up to 6 more weeks (sorry)to wait and he can't just drop everything each time. Can you find another way to get a break, family friends, local cm who could take your 2yo out for an hour or so ? Or could he arrange to come home early or go in later the odd morning ?

Original poster
skyeplusbump · 11/08/2010 10:19

thanks guys...thought as much really,
unfortunatly all family are busy/on holiday/also working,
soft play about an hours waddle walk away (i dont drive)
2yr old is not capable of keeping still for more than 5mins...

oh well,keep on swimming keep on swimming keep on swimming...

OP posts:
Loshad · 11/08/2010 10:20

chil do you really think that - what would be his reasons for not going in? either pull a fake sicky - clearly wrong, or else loose a days pay which unless the OP is very well off isn't a great idea either. In the current climate I would think it's all too easy to get a reputation for being unreliable for not turning in and then find oneself without a job. OP does have my sympathies though - i'm sure she does feel awful and knakcered and that late stage of pg is really hard work - i'd second chippingins suggestion of snoozing on sofa whilst the tv childminds - it will be fine for you toddler for a day or so.

Original poster
skyeplusbump · 11/08/2010 10:22

no, i was'nt asking him to call in sick,but to take a day off.

OP posts:
Loshad · 11/08/2010 10:23

sorry xposted, just seen 2 yo won't sit still. Can the duplo/playdough entertain said child? do you have a garden - sleep in sun whilst child destroys plays in garden?

Original poster
skyeplusbump · 11/08/2010 10:25

i would never have asked if i had the option of the tv babysitting. dd just wont sit still for any amount of time unless you are playing too (i know this does not bode well for newborn stage btw)

OP posts:
Chil1234 · 11/08/2010 10:27

Yes I do think that. Parents of small children can be given discretionary time-off if their child is sick, needs to go to an appointment etc. Employers should also be sympathetic if other family members need support from time to time. There's a 2yo and a heavily pregnant woman and not many decent employers would begrudge a man a morning's leeway if there's a crisis.

However, I suspect that his employer had nothing to do with this decision.

Original poster
skyeplusbump · 11/08/2010 10:27

maybe garden would work...playdough,only if i want to spend the rest of the afternoon on all fours picking squshed mess out of carpet...nice.

OP posts:
Chathappy · 11/08/2010 10:29

What's your due date Skye? I'm 36 weeks today - also have 2 year old (and 4 year old starting school this sept). It is so hard at this stage to keep up with entertaining children all whilst feeling unbelievable uncomfortable!

If I were you I would do what I am doing right now - sitting down having a nice cup of tea whilst 2 ds watch Atlantis on the telly.... Blush

It's only a few more weeks (hopefully!). Rest as much as you can and don't feel guilty about putting on cbeebies when you need a break! It's not long to go now.

LIZS · 11/08/2010 10:31

playdough in the garden ?

Chathappy · 11/08/2010 10:31

Sorry didn't see your last post re telly babysitting! Ok, I'm out of ideas then! Confused

Original poster
skyeplusbump · 11/08/2010 10:33

6th sept...i am trying with dora...but also being climbed on,so not really working out for me right now...also cant stop crying so also not helping as dd keeps asking whats wrong,and feel feel like i should phone and apologise to dp...urrgghh

OP posts:
Original poster
skyeplusbump · 11/08/2010 10:34

lizs nice idea..will try,im sure the rabbit would appreciate the company...and playdough 'food'!

OP posts:
makeupmummy · 11/08/2010 10:35

I don't think you are being unreasonable! You are both parents,you need help,think he could at v least said he'd go in late/get back early. On entertaining two year old boy, i know how you feel. Is it nice enough to put water in basin in garden and let him pour it with plastic cups? Or my boy always loves to find sticks and stones and show me them (boys are simple creaturesSmile)

violethill · 11/08/2010 10:35

It's not simply a question of whether he calls in with a fake sickie though, it's a question of on balance, whether this is serious enough to ask for discretionary time off.

I (and DH) have used discretionary time off for when one of the children is ill, or has a medical appointment. I don't think my DH would have been that impressed if I'd asked him to use some just because I was 36 weeks pg and had a toddler. Poor sleep and tiredness is par for the course really at that stage. And what if she feels the same for the next 6 weeks? And after that is bf through the night and still has a tantruming 2 year old?

I sympathise because it's bloody knackering, but not really a sufficient reason for her DH to ask for time off.

LIZS · 11/08/2010 10:36

Will she role play - you "poorly" on sofa fetching you pretend tea, food, blanket etc

frikonastick · 11/08/2010 10:40

i dont think you were being unreasonable at all.

and i think if your DH really couldnt take the day off (fair enough), the very LEAST he could have done is say to you, sorry love, i cant. but dont worry when i get home tonight i will take the kids off your hands and hopefully you can have some time to yourself.

or something similar.

ignoring you is horrible behaviour. and treating your obvious distress as no big deal and dismissing you like that is frankly not good enough.

am really suprised that som many other posters think its ok for a husband to be so rude and bad mannered towards frankly, the most important person in his life. his wife.

IsItMeOr · 11/08/2010 10:41

Water play in the garden? I dressed 17mo DS up in his all over water suit to go out in the rain yesterday and he loved it. Mind, I am lucky that he is an explorer and generally happy to entertain himself in any space. Just me who's not so happy about the resulting chaos and the things he finds to put in his mouth Grin.

violethill · 11/08/2010 10:42

Who has said it's ok for him to be rude?
I can't see any posts which say that!

Many of us have said, well out of order for him to ignore you, but unreasonable of the OP to expect him to take the day off

Original poster
skyeplusbump · 11/08/2010 10:43

thanks makeup and frik tbh i think thats all i really needed from him...

lizs you have some really good ideas...are you supernanny? Grin

OP posts:
IsItMeOr · 11/08/2010 10:43

PS And you have my sympathies. Imagining your current situation is why DS is pretty likely to stay an only.

I do think your DH should have responded to you. And I do understand why he didn't feel he could take a whole day.

But can he come home early today? Could he go in a couple of hours late tomorrow?

These are not unreasonable adjustments for him to make if he possibly can imho.

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