Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To suspect he's on the verge of an affair?

35 replies

LinaLamont · 10/08/2010 20:50

DH has posted a link to a song on Facebook about resisting an affair. We're not friends on Facebook but a friend told me about it so she obviously thought I should know! I feel really down. I've been playing the song over and over and think I now need to get a grip...so please be honest.

The lyrics are:
My eyes are telling me leave well enough alone, my feet are telling me keep walking, another voice is saying don't let go but that's just my heart talking....etc
There is someone he flirts with at work although I thought it was harmless. He's not a particular music lover and doesn't regularly post on facebook although he is friends with the woman at work. What do you think? Am I just being silly?

OP posts:
TechLovingDad · 10/08/2010 20:52

Ask him, it's the only way to find out. If he's evasive then there's your answer.

Good luck.

Mowgli1970 · 10/08/2010 20:54

On the surface I'd say YABU, a link to a song doesn't mean he's going to be unfaithful. He'd be a bit of an arse to publicly declare it!

The bigger problem is why you don't trust him? Why aren't you friends on Facebook? I'd add him and see what his reaction is. Has he done anything to make you suspicious, or is it just this link?

LemonDifficult · 10/08/2010 20:58

He's posting this on Facebook and I'd say he's posting it for a reason, so no YANBU. However, I don't think he's having an affair (or he'd post a cheatin' song!) but it sounds like he wants to let someone know he's thought about it.

Is the girl you're suspicious of a friend of his on Facebook? And is there a reason why you aren't a friend of his too?

Original poster
LinaLamont · 10/08/2010 21:04

I think you're right, Lemon. I don't think the song was an advertisment for his potential behaviour. But, it's a very heartfelt ballad-y type song. I think for a song to really 'get to you' it has to sum up your feelings. maybe subconsiously he wanted someone to know he's thought about them in that way.
She is his friend on facebook.
I don't really know why we're not friends. I don't really use it and never felt I needed to be 'friends' or 'married' to him when I am both these things in reality.

OP posts:
arsesandoldlace · 10/08/2010 21:07

I posted a song about a fisherman on FB the other day. Doesn't mean I want to sleep with Captain Birdseye.
Does your DH normally post songs? It's possible he just likes that particular one and posted it without analysing the lyrical content.

fedupofnamechanging · 10/08/2010 21:13

If you have access to his fb account, I suggest you have a look at his messages and see if there is anything to suggest an affair. Also have a look at the call log and messages on his mobile if you can. If he thinks you don't suspect anything, he is less likely to have been careful and discrete.
I do feel wrong suggesting that you spy on your husband, but I think there may be a backstory here. You clearly don't trust him so am wondering if he has had an affair in the past.

I would tell my DH that I am unhappy about him flirting with another woman and ask him to remove her from his friends list and stop flirting at work. If he refused to keep a relationship professional, then I would feel I had an indicator that the relationship with her was more imp than it should be.

katiestar · 10/08/2010 22:30

Even if he is not planning an affair, it is kind of humiliating to a spouse to post this kind of thing.people will talk.Why isn't he your FB friend?

Alouiseg · 10/08/2010 22:35

Blimey, I hope my dh doesn't read too much into my songs on fb.

And I'm always using lyrics as my status.

TechLovingDad · 10/08/2010 22:38

Have you asked him, yet?

Surely Facebook is no way to judge / conduct a relationship?

DuelingFanjo · 10/08/2010 22:41

Is he a Ron Sexsmith fan anyway?

skidoodly · 10/08/2010 22:45

arseand - you would do Captain Birdseye in a heartbeat if he'd have you.

And not the modern young designer-stubbly one either.

Old-skoole white beardy sea dog all the way!

Don't bother denying it either :o

OP posting a song could mean nothing.

There are obviously other things going on that are making you wonder about this. You need to talk to you DH about this.

Maylee · 10/08/2010 22:50

Go with your gut instinct. I knew my X-DH was beginning an affair....I just knew it. And I was right. So, sorry for the cliche, but listen to whatever that little vice inside is telling you.

Heracles · 10/08/2010 23:04

The song's about having an affair? Is it? I've never heard it that way.

If my DP was a Ron Sexmith fan, though, I'd certainly consider splitting up...

MrsIndianaJones2 · 10/08/2010 23:09

Is he the type? I mean - is he the type to give that sort of a (sorry, but slightly dramatised, teenager-y) hint? Is he subtle? If he's not the type to read into things, or give you hints about other stuff, then no. If he is, then: ASK him. He might have just liked the song. He might have been asking someone to stop him (just thinking about it). Best to know. Good luck.

Triggles · 10/08/2010 23:09

Makes the most sense just to ask him. Conversations actually work better in relationships that facebook anyway. Grin

Triggles · 10/08/2010 23:10

than* (argh, that'll teach me not to proofread!)

Original poster
LinaLamont · 12/08/2010 22:31

Hi, sorry for taking so long to reply. I've had a look at his phone and he's been sending very flirty texts to someone about her giving him birthday kisses. I haven't asked him because I want to be sure I'm not just feeling insecure. I'm hoping lots of people innocently flirt and nothing ever comes of it. I've put on a bit of weight and I'm feeling a bit unattractive these days and his 'friend' is beautiful but a bit out of his leage IFSWIM!.

Hercales - you've made me feel better actually! He isn't a fan of this guy - I'd never heard of him. What do you think the song's about. To me it's someone having feeling for someone they shouldn't. Please convince me otherwise.
I don't know why we're not facebook friends but never felt I needed to until now.

OP posts:
gtamom · 13/08/2010 06:59

I agree with your thoughts on what that song is about. I don't know what you should do, but if that song means anything to him, he has not actually cheated, but is smitten. Don't like the sound of his birthday kisses texts. Hope you can work this out.

Chil1234 · 13/08/2010 07:10

I suggest you get on FB, get a list of all his 'friends', make them your friends and then post cheesy pictures of you and DH in blissful poses and messages like 'my DH is so wonderful' and also 'I'm feeling a million dollars'.

Next step, if you've put in some weight... lose it. And, in the meantime, get the hair fixed and some new clothes that flatter your current shape. Get your shoulders back and your head UP... Book a romantic weekend for two. If you cripple yourself with insecurity or go plunging in saying you've been checking his phone contents then he is more likely to find someone new.

If you want him, fight back.... no-one likes a doormat.

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 13/08/2010 07:17

Yes, clearly the way to deal with someone who might be cheating on you is to lose weight and get some new clothes. Preferably in a movie montage with inspirational music behind it.

FFS, Chil, it's not the OP's fault if her husband is flirting with other women, please stop feeding that notion.

OP, the flirty texts seem like more of a red flag, to me. Perhaps it's mostly innocent, perhaps it's not, but I wouldn't like it. You need to ask him about this, I think. If he's drifting into a crush, then you asking him about it might wake him up a bit early on, rather than letting it get out of hand.

mittz · 13/08/2010 07:19

Shock Chil..... half of relationship's problems could be solved with that advice I guessHmm

Chil1234 · 13/08/2010 07:35

Right now all the OP has got as 'proof' of anything is a link to some soppy song and a flirty text. It's pathetic and, as she admits, more borne of her own insecurity than anything more concrete. In my experience, if you're feeling down about yourself and lacking in security then it pays to make yourself feel and look better.... for reasons of your own self esteem, rather than anyone else's.

And then, yes, if you want a relationship to work, stop skulking around in corners on FB, sighing on MN.... and stamp a bit of authority on the situation.

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 13/08/2010 07:39

Right, I agree that she needs to stamp some authority on this, but I disagree that losing weight, etc., is the way to go about it. That just smacks of trying to please him, to me.

cumbria81 · 13/08/2010 07:41

err...why don't you just ask him instead of second guessing and posting on here?

that seems the most obvious solution.

proudnsad · 13/08/2010 07:58

I don't think flirty text messages are ever 'innocent'! I'd be devastated and feel betrayed if dh was texting someone in this way.

I'd also think he was an enormous TWAT for posting song lyrics on t'interweb...how old is he?

Tortoise - while anyone with an iota of sense and self respect would not see losing weight etc as a way of fixing a serious relationship problem, you do know that trying to please your husband is not a crime don't you?!
Nor is losing weight to feel better about yourself.
I lost 4 stone and felt like a different person and a million times more confident in every area of my life.
But of course is not the complete (or even semi complete) answer in this case.

Swipe left for the next trending thread