re. SAHM/WOHM debates

[undercovamutha]

To wish that there would sometimes be some recognition that there is a middle ground between mothers parents who work 50 hours a week, and those who SAH.

WOHM could include anyone on a spectrum from working a couple of hours a week in the local shop, to working 50-60 hours a week in the City.

AIBU to think that the term WOHM, in the context of the kind of debates we have on MN, and in the media, is therefore a bit of a silly 'capture all' term.

yy of course one would wish that, but you will ALWAYS have the precious moments parent (TM SM) bleating on about ABANDONING your child to the care of STRANGERS in your pursuit of the twin EVILS that are MONEY and SELFISHNESS

thought I'd get that orf me chest

It doesn't matter what you do, someone will always think it is the wrong thing.

YANBU - It certainly is a massive range.

I find the whole debate thing deeply boring and often completely silly though - each to their own!

Yes...and both sides are probably right on some levels...I've been both...pros and cons to each, but there will never be any agreement or even agree to disagree.

most people actually don't care about the choices other people make

I am a SAHM at the moment, I will probably go back to work at some point and I really don't have an opinion on the way other people organise their life

I'm not sure what point you are trying to make OP. A SAHM could mean anything between a woman who looks after two newborn twins with many physical disabilites to a woman who spends her days out with her friends snorting cocaine while a nanny looks after her children.

I don't think WOHM is a silly, 'capture all' term. I do not think of women in my work place who work part time as in some way being greatly different to women who work full time. They all still contribute to the workplace community and some of them are more senior to full time workers in the same job.

I agree - the many, many threads on MN relating to the relative benefits of staying at home/working are all totally pointless and often turn pretty nasty - with people basically slagging off the parenting of those they have never met and know nothing about. There are pros and cons to each, and what is right for one family isn't right for every family. Those at extreme ends of the spectrum will always feel the same - those that go out to work are motivated by money and success, and don't care about being there for precious moments in their DC's childhoods, whilst those that stay at home are bored and embittered and have to tell themselves that no one else could possibly look after their children so that they can justify their own lack of a career to themselves. There is no point is discussing it - the two will never meet in the middle.
(for what its worth, I work as a lawyer and therefore fall into the vicious money grabbing power hungry career driven bad mother stereotype!).

I don't understand any of this. The whole thing where women tear each other apart about their choices when you could line us up from here to next year and none of us will have identical circumstances views and experiences.
And everytime one person say " I think this is true for me" someone else says " that means therefore you are saying that my doing the opposite is bad"
But that will be my cocaine snorting messing with my head I expect

Emma - its OK. I know a few SAHP are vicious money grabbing power hungry bad parents too.

I heard that a womans place is in the worng Riven

Though my mother raised me to beleive that a womans place is where she wants it to be.

I don't get the debate either really. TBH I have very strong feelings about MY choices and it's effects on MY children but I don't care about other people's choices.

I as reading the other thread on this (rarely contribute now - I do what works for us, no need to rehash it more than 10 times on MN) and I did think that the mother working long hours with much travelling was the standard view of WOHM's. I worked a standard 9-5.30 4 days a week and the "stranger who cared for DS on 3 of those 4 days was the only person outside of the family who ever looked after him and we had some very teary goodbyes on our last day there this week .

In fact it wasn't goodbye as we've arranged a playdate for September over at hers - what a heinous stranger I left my child with

It's fair enough that people have a view on the right way to bring up children seeing as most people like to think they are good parents and I am sure this is the reason why the debate still goes on. It is an unfair debate to have though considering that most people have to work at least part-time.

What I am? How do you define me? I work 3 days a week 9-5 in the city in a career job. I am always home at 5.45pm and I can always switch days around for school shows etc etc. Kids looked after by lovely nanny who has know them both since they were babies.

Not quite sure I can explain exactly what I am trying to say in my OP. I certainly am not trying to put down p/t workers Milly (I am a p/t worker, in a senior position, myself).

I guess I am trying to illustrate that there are not just 2 opposing groups (SAHM vs WOHM). There are many many many different permetations (sp ), its not just black and white.

For example you can have a SAHM who may put their child in playgroup a few mornings a week, and a WOHM who puts their child in nursery for the few mornings a week that they work. Surely this is the same situation as far as the child is concerned. But not as far as the media/MN etc etc are concerned.

"precious moments parent" whenever I read that term I think the person who used it is a wanker.

Anyways, I think what I'm doing is great and the two ends of the spectrum are risky. So the SAHM who never leaves the home and the WOHPs who have their child/children in the care of someone else 7-7 5 days a week both run the risk of either poor attachment or poorly socialised.

Often there is no mention of the father either. It's as though they don't exist when in reality whether the father is living with the mother and children and what his own work patterns are like is a HUGE factor.

the only place I ever see a debate about wohm/sahm is on here really - does anyone actually speak about this in rl?

does it really matter - don't we all just do what is best for us at any time?

UCM, I don't think you were trying to put down workers. I just don't get the point of the SAHM/WOHM debates and I was hoping to put the weight of explaining them on you as the OP.

Pollyanna - I would never debate it in rl, but it DOES get debated long and hard in the media, which I think effects public opinion markedly.

Milly - agree that there is no point in WOHM/SAHM debates, which was my point I guess.

Posieparker - whenever I read a posting where someone harps on about how they wouldn't want to miss all those precious moments, I think the person who posted it is a wanker.

"It's fair enough that people have a view on the right way to bring up children seeing as most people like to think they are good parents and I am sure this is the reason why the debate still goes on."

I don't get this as an argument though I'm sorry to say. I never bf, did co-sleeping, blw, attachment parenting etc etc. I did things differently - some through design, some not. I have just muddled through basically.

I know that I am not the most super mother ever born, but on the other hand, my dd is happy, bright,fed, clothed and warm and knows that she is much loved.

To ME that is what is important, and I guess the same outcome is generally the desired one. Therefore I don't personally give a stuff about how anyone goes about achieving that. I wouldn't dream of preaching to others about doing things MY way, and expect others to respect my views also.

I do think it is silly having the complete polarisation between SAHM (never ever leaves the house and doesn't do any work of any sort until DC are 25) or WOHM (works 15 hour days plus 3 hours commute, takes 2 weeks holiday per year and shoves the children into kids clubs, DC spend every weekend with GPs to have quality time) when most people will do a mixture of SAH/PT/FT over the years.

I tend to think the decision as to whether the parents will work or not is taken by both parents after discussion and finding the best possible childcare for their children to fit in with their circumstances. Therefore, it isn't really any of my business what other people do. I've made my decision, I'm happy, DH is happy, DD and DS are generally happy unless not allowed icecream...