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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to find this a bit odd?

94 replies

BunnyLebowski · 10/08/2010 10:16

My cousin and his fiancee had a baby last week.

Last night my auntie (the baby's paternal grandmother) took the baby at 6pm to stay overnight at her house because my cousin and his DF 'didn't get a wink of sleep' the night before and wanted a full night's sleep.

The baby screamed all night apparently.

I'm a bit and a bit about this.

The baby is a week old fgs. You're not meant to be getting any sleep.

Also the baby probably screamed all night because the only person he recognises/needs at such a tiny age is his mother.

I know we're all different and horses for courses and all but it just seems a bit off to me.

AIBU?

OP posts:

happygilmore · 10/08/2010 19:18

Instead of judging them on the internet, why not offer to help?

I had a horrendous delivery with numerous complications afterwards (three months later and I am still far from recovered), and had some terrible post natal care in hospital where they simply did not help me with my baby at all. I should have been resting but instead was up all night with a crying baby, for several nights, to the point where I ended up falling asleep holding her and putting her at risk of being dropped. I ended up so ill in intensive care that she went home with my husband so she could be looked after properly and I could try and recover.

I know I shouldn't let it get to me personally, but reading this thread I feel like some people clearly must be judging me for doing this, when all I was trying to do was the best for my daughter.

Unless you have been in someone's situation you have NO idea what they're going through and why they take the decisions they do.

withorwithoutyou · 10/08/2010 21:11

"My instincts tell me I shouldn't be separated from my babies young because it physically hurts and there's a physiolgical reason for that - because it's bad for babies.

Sorry if that makes some of you feel guilty. Makes me feel guilty too. Shit happens. We all fuck up."

Oh give me strength.

Seriously.

justaboutawinegumoholic · 10/08/2010 21:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

happysunshinedays · 10/08/2010 21:40

I had a hideous time with my first DD but would have struggled to give her away for a few hours let alone a night. Mind you,I didn't have the option. No family or anything here for me unfortunately. Was also breastfeeding so not really an option anyway. I do find it odd, but as suggested, maybe a sign of something deeper. Maybe the aunt would have done better to move in to hers for a few days?? Who knows!

CreepyFunbags · 10/08/2010 21:44

Some of us who had sick or premature babies were separated for weeks and weeks overnight!
It certainly was not what I would have chosen. But you know what? We are ok. We bonded fine.

Your cousin and her baby will be fine too. If she needs more help than you did, it is fantastic that she has a mum willing to offer her that help. No need to judge.
You don't win a prize for doing it all by yourself. You are just different and did things differently!

SkiHorseWonAWean · 10/08/2010 22:52

I'm another one whose baby was in the SCBU - are you suggesting the baby should've been taken away by social services because I wasn't there?

xstitch · 10/08/2010 23:06

I'm another one who should be reported to social services. The midwives had to care for my dd for the first couple of hours of her life . I passed out due to haemorrhaging. I am obviously selfish as I allowed myself both to bleed and to lose conciousness.

Isawthreeships · 11/08/2010 09:02

No one is saying that babies should never be separated from their mothers, fgs. Of course there are sometimes reasons why that needs to happen.

But, separation is a known factor in PND so should be avoided where possible in the interests of both mum and baby. While GPs may be trying to help, they could be exacerbating PND.

It's great that the GPs want to help - but if they can be encouraged to help in a way which encourages bonding and reduces the risk of PND then so much the better.

Can someone explain how that is judgey?

Morloth · 11/08/2010 09:10

Because you don't get to decide what is a "good enough" reason for the separation.

Thing1Thing2 · 11/08/2010 09:14

I had none of the official "good reasons" for separation.

I just wanted to sleep.

So I hired a maternity nurse until my DTs slept through the night at 4 months.

I never realised that I was exacerbating PND. Infact, it made me feel refreshed and ready for the day and made me a better mum to my DTs because of it.

Original poster

BunnyLebowski · 11/08/2010 09:19

Some of you are being hysterical and ridiculous and completely misinterpreting what has been said.

At no point has anyone said that babies being looked after by someone else because the mother has PND/is haemorrhaging after birth is the mother's fault and Social Services should get involved. That's a completely different situation from the one I described and therefore irrelevant to my OP.

My post is about a young healthy couple. The birth was quick and straightforward. The mum is not suffering from PND or any other complications.

That is why it was surprising to me that after one night of no sleep (and it was only one) they would let someone else have him for an entire night.

Feel free to carry on ranting and raving about yourselves as is the mumsnet norm .

OP posts:

TotallyandUtterlyPaninied · 11/08/2010 09:24

I wouldn't do it but seems they were all happy with the decision so it's all good.

Morloth · 11/08/2010 09:37

It always amuses me when people say that someone is being hysterical and ranting and raving when someone disagrees with them, it is an attempt to make themselves and therefore their argument look sensible and calm while the other person just looks ridiculous.

What actually happens however is that they just look like they can't get their heads around other people having different experiences and thoughts on a subject and so need to defend their thought processes by implying the other side is unbalanced.

Why did you ask if you were being unreasonable if you only wanted to hear that you were not?

Original poster

BunnyLebowski · 11/08/2010 09:42

Not at all Morloth.

I have taken on board a lot of the measured and informative posts do accept that I have been too judgemental and feel bad for that.

Am going to try not to be so judgemental in the future.

However comments like

'I'm another one whose baby was in the SCBU - are you suggesting the baby should've been taken away by social services because I wasn't there? '

and

'I'm another one who should be reported to social services. The midwives had to care for my dd for the first couple of hours of her life . I passed out due to haemorrhaging. I am obviously selfish as I allowed myself both to bleed and to lose conciousness.'

insinuate that I said something along those lines regarding Social Services and at no point did I do so.

OP posts:

Thing1Thing2 · 11/08/2010 09:46

And Bunny .... dare I ask what you think about me?

It was for four months! I let someone else sleep with my babies for 4 months. Ok - I had a c-section and was practically bed bound for the last 2 months of my pregnancy - so that gives me an excuse for the first couple of weeks. But surely not for 4 months!

Isn't that shocking

Original poster

BunnyLebowski · 11/08/2010 09:53

Adopting my new mantras which are 'Live and Let Live' and 'Your baby, Your choice' I say you did what was right for you and yours Thing1 .

Sorry if I offended you or anyone else earlier in this thread.

OP posts:

Thing1Thing2 · 11/08/2010 10:03

Thanks Bunny. They are good mantras to live by.

No - no offence on my part. At first I was just mildly amused that you (and others on this thread) could just not get their heads round the idea that some of us are happy to be separated from our babies for a good nights sleep.

I am too confident in myself and my parenting to get upset about strangers on the internet not understanding the way I bring up my children.

IsItMeOr · 11/08/2010 10:30

Just another who had a very poorly sleeping baby that meant DH and I were desperate by about 8 weeks. Lovely MIL helped out for one night (in our house), and from the way she talks about it, it is clearly one of the highlights of her life.

We also hired a night nanny for several nights. She was a midwife at the hospital DS was born out, so could well have been involved in his care there. She exuded calm, was respectful of our parenting instincts and helped two very distressed and exhausted parents to get some sanity back. DS seemed to be very contented with her.

A lot of the research about babies being separated from mothers is a lot more extreme than any of the examples mentioned on here. IIRC one of the ones about separating children from mothers is based on mothers who were spending many weeks in hospital where the medical profession thought (at the time) it would be better for the children not to see them. Turned out they were wrong. But this is an extreme.

OP - I see you have realised why your judgey pants were chafing a little .

cat64 · 11/08/2010 11:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

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