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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to find this a bit odd?

94 replies

BunnyLebowski · 10/08/2010 10:16

My cousin and his fiancee had a baby last week.

Last night my auntie (the baby's paternal grandmother) took the baby at 6pm to stay overnight at her house because my cousin and his DF 'didn't get a wink of sleep' the night before and wanted a full night's sleep.

The baby screamed all night apparently.

I'm a bit Hmm and a bit Sad about this.

The baby is a week old fgs. You're not meant to be getting any sleep.

Also the baby probably screamed all night because the only person he recognises/needs at such a tiny age is his mother.

I know we're all different and horses for courses and all but it just seems a bit off to me.

AIBU?

OP posts:
proudnsad · 10/08/2010 15:13

Errm, so the newborn's adoring grandma offers to have baby for a night so exhausted, new parents can have a night's kip.

What's the problem with that?!!!!

Morloth · 10/08/2010 15:17

You can find it hard to believe if you like, but I was there, I know what happened.

Your baby may subside into whimpers after a bit but mine didn't. I sat in A&E for hours and hours.

Deliaskis · 10/08/2010 15:19

Hmmm...lots of judgementalists on this thread.

Is rather sad actually. They're new parents who are clearly struggling. I'm sure they're delighted that their (possibly very difficult) decision to accept family help has led to their parenting skills being dissected on the internet by people who know nothing of their situation or any relevant circumstances. Nice...

D

TheHouseofMirth · 10/08/2010 15:21

DS had colic and only cried from 6-11pm every night and that was bad enough. I remember I seriously contemplated flinging him from the living room window (we lived in an upstairs flat) or just leaving him out on the pavement. Luckily, DH was around to rock and pace with him which we did in shifts. 72 hours must be torture, especially as you'd be terrified there was something really wrong but also just desperate for the noise to stop.

pigletmania · 10/08/2010 15:21

YABU dd godmother often took her at times so that we could get a rest, dd had severe colic and would cry from 9am to 9pm every day, I had PND so it had to be for my sanity. I am sure that this does not happen everyday, there is still time for that bonding process. Whats one night going to do? If all parties are happy so be it, just because you would not do it, does not make it wrong

bubblagirl · 10/08/2010 15:22

i could have done with someone doing that for me i was so sleep deprived no sleep for days couldnt remember my babies name etc was awful one nights sleep would have been great

some people can handle babies being looked after form young age others cannot bare to be seperated neither is right or wrong each family supports differently too

my ds was 3 mths old when my mum trook him for the weekend my sister boy was 5 when they first had him i let anyone cuddle my ds my sis wouldnt let anyone touch him ven family

my frinds little girl was 3 days old from when i started looking after her other friends ive never had there children at all

we all need different things can cope with different things ,complain if family are not supporting complain if they are we should just let people do what they feel is best as long as no harm coming to the child thats the main thing

bubblagirl · 10/08/2010 15:23

sorry for typos have sticky keys thanks to ds lol

cat64 · 10/08/2010 15:38

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TheHouseofMirth · 10/08/2010 15:39

But how do you know no harm is done? I'm not saying it is, but we just don't know the effects on a baby of being separated from its mother at such an early age. How do we know the baby wasn't screaming all night because it was distressed and scared? Research here does indicate babyies are hardwired to protest if removed from their mother.

bubblagirl · 10/08/2010 15:51

my ds screamed all night with me he screamed all night without me its also well known babies are affceted by the anxieties as a mother i was so sleep deprived my anxieties probably set my ds off more i also had PND supposedly bought on from lack of sleep as he really didnt sleep i was up every hour was lucky if i had 40mins sleep some nights

babies who are raised away from there mums grow to function well in society 1 night will not cause damage to any child being shown love form another human being will do baby no harm

sleep deprived mummy on the other hand is possible could do harm

i think the support shown and the trust shown between the family is wonderful and many people do not have this and this is why they frown apon it as they themselves could not be parted but i wouldnt have had to have my arm twisted to hard to have sleep but i never got that offer

for any new parent its hard and support is the right thing to prevent pnd

Thing1Thing2 · 10/08/2010 16:07

thehouseofmirth - in the study you linked to there was no "separated from mother but with a different carer" group. Just "alone" or "with mother".

It is a big leap to go from this study to saying that babies being cared for by someone other than their mother is somehow bad for the baby.

megapixels · 10/08/2010 16:25

I really hope the mother in question isn't reading this. The child hasn't just been farmed out for goodness sake, this is the child's grandmother, having him for one night. I can't think of a better alternative to a mother than a loving grandmother. Yes it would have been better to stay at their house, but if the mum wasn't going to bf the baby anyway and the child was going to be with the grandmother all night what difference would it make? Just because you (general) or I wouldn't let a week old go home with grandma doesn't mean a mother who does is too "bloody lazy" to have babies (what a lovely cousin you are OP) or harming their child.

Spacehopper5 · 10/08/2010 16:26

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Message withdrawn

EmmaRoyd · 10/08/2010 16:29

YANBU. I agree with you.

trixie123 · 10/08/2010 16:33

houseofmirth can I ask what age your children are? ie, how long you have been at this mothering lark? Only I would be a little concerned if you are fairly new to it that you are going to drive yourself nuts if you read and take to heart every piece of research that comes out about development, food, behavioural issues etc. I have only been at this for a year but concluded very early in pregnancy that I would take most things with a pinch of salt and follow my instinct and common sense. I left DS with DP and grandparents for a few hours at a time very early on to get a break and some sleep. I also mixed fed precisely so that others could get involved with that. As others have said, its all horses for courses and its useful to hear what others do but there is no one right way and I would take the anecdotal experiences of people on here over "research" anyday.

GetOrfMoiLand · 10/08/2010 16:35

Agree with Mega.

I simply do not believe that the baby would have been any more upset with its grandmother (I assume that the gran didn't just put the baby in a room and turned up the telly) than with its mother. Presumably the gran is a doting, proud one who would have been cooing over the baby since it was born anyway.

Morloth · 10/08/2010 16:40

Who knew that the loving care of a Grandmother was equivalent to locking them in a cupboard?

noshouting · 10/08/2010 16:42

I once looked after a six week old screamer for the night for a good friend who had not had more than 2 hours sleep since birth.
I was prepared for a sleepless night, he actually fell asleep at 10pm, woke at 3am for a feed settled woke at 7am. Mum and Dad could not believe it.
Looking back I think they were all so sleep deprived they were stressing each other out.
He did not go back to his screamy ways, I think they all just needed a break.

withorwithoutyou · 10/08/2010 16:59

Oh give them a break, we're all different.

DD1 I would never have let out of my sight.

DD2 I let the m/w take away for a few hours the day she was born - I'd had a section and she had been feeding constantly from 7PM til 4AM - it got to the point where I was so tired I was scared I was going to drop her off the bed. The lovely m/w took her away and settled her and we both got 3 hours much needed sleep.

Part of parenting is learning to judge what the right thing is for everybody's welfare.

How on earth can you consider yourself to be in a better position to do this than the parents themselves?

TheHouseofMirth · 10/08/2010 17:25

Trixie123 my children are 5 years old and 18 months. I've always gone with my maternal instincts, which has largely meant I've parented against the mainstream (have extended bf, co-slept, etc) so sometimes it's nice to have what you feel in your heart to be right backed up by a bit of research and there has been an increasing amount over the past few years about the negative psychological and physiological effects of some parenting practices which many people have regarded as normal and undamaging.

In rl I've never questioned someone else's parenting decisions (which is more than I can say for others who have felt free to tell me I'm making a rod for my back, shouldn't bf a toddler blah, blah,blah) but I think this a good forum for open debate without it getting personal.

MrsWobbleTheWaitress · 10/08/2010 17:29

We do know that babies are meant to stay very close to their mother for quite some time after they are born, and that they release a huge number of stress hormones when they are separated for long periods of time.

A baby crying all night long is not good, and not healthy, and surely there must be something wrong with a baby who screams for 72 hours straight. Not latching on well, not feeling for long enough, ill, something, but just letting it happen, albeit in someone's arms, is not good.

Asking someone to cuddle your colicky crying baby for twenty minutes because otherwise you'll do something awful, is one thing. Asking someone to have them all night long is something else entirely.

I take advice and information, think about it, compare it with my instincts, and make decisions that way. I've survived four babies now. My instincts tell me I shouldn't be separated from my babies young because it physically hurts and there's a physiolgical reason for that - because it's bad for babies.

Sorry if that makes some of you feel guilty. Makes me feel guilty too. Shit happens. We all fuck up. Essentially, though, hopefully, most of us do the best we can in the circumstances we're in, with the information and help we have. But we all know that we don't all do that - some mothers are selfish; some mothers don't believe in babies coming to psychological harm from some common practicies - or don't care - or find it too convenient to prefer to listen to other advice from 'experts' who say that letting your baby cry is good for them Hmm.

musicmadness · 10/08/2010 17:35

i don't see the problem here. me and all my cousins regularly stayed overnight at my grandmas house when we were babies. my mum told me once that i had been crying non stop for hours and she just couldn't take it anymore. she phoned my grandma who agreed to look after me for the rest of the day/night as my mum was very close to doing me some serious damage otherwise! Surely its better to let the parents get some sleep and calm down a bit than force them to stay with the baby, getting more and more stressed until they do something they will regret (either through tiredness or snapping!).

bintofbohemia · 10/08/2010 17:35

Does the Aunty prescribe to the idea that babies should be left in prams at the end of the garden and ignored until it's "time"? Is she offering to "break" the child's crying habit from the outset?

That might be a problem.

Morloth · 10/08/2010 17:51

I am sure there was something wrong with DS1 on his 3 day crying jag, that was why I took him to the GP and then the hospital - they couldn't figure out anything either and then he just stopped and went back to normal.

What was causing the problem had no bearing on the extreme sleep deprivation that I was experiencing that made me a danger to him and meant he would absolutely have been safer at my Mum's if that had been an option.

I don't feel guilty for any of my decisions, I am an excellent parent and it shows in my DCs but I could not function after that much time of no sleep no matter how much I wanted to.

If the couple in the OP thought that their baby would be better off with Gran for the night then it is not my call to say they did the wrong thing.

Marjee · 10/08/2010 18:23

I personally would never have agreed to let my mum (or anyone) take ds for a night when he was that young, I could hardly bear to let him out of my sight and anyway I'm bf so it wasn't an option! I find it quite Shock that they would want to be away from their baby for that long tbh. Having said that ds has always been a content baby so I always got a good amount of sleep, I'm sure I'd feel different if he screamed constantly! I'm sure your cousin and his df felt much better for having a good nights sleep and your aunt was glad to be able to help her son and spend quality time with her new dgc so I can't see a problem with it. It must be really difficult to function properly and bond with a screaming baby on no sleep.