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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel judged by this play leader today?

32 replies

OnEdge · 10/08/2010 00:10

Took DD 3 and DS 1 to a music tots thing at the local children's centre today. One of the play leaders sat next to me and we started chatting. I said that it was really good to go there because I could just sit and relax and let the children play ( I am 35 weeks pregnant )

She then looked at me funny, and said "But do you play with them at home? " I said that I thought that I did. And she went on about some mums do not interact with their children at home either and do not build up a bond.

Then I was saying how lovely and relaxing the sensory play room was, and that I had had a lovely 20 minutes in there the day before lying down and chilling with my son. She looked all releived and said " Oh so you were in there with your son, thats OK then"

Whenever I go to these soft play type things, i always sit down and let the children run off and play, I don't go round with them. I do watch them at all times, and intervene if necesary, then I sit back down with my tea.

Am I being crap? Thought self absorbed play was a good thing.

Just to add, the same play leader had just complmented me on my DD's behavoir during the singing, how she had gone and sat at the front with her and joined in etc.

Mum told me to shut up and take no notice but I feel like she was questioning my parenting. Could be hormones I spose.

OP posts:
Alicetheinvisible · 10/08/2010 00:15

TBH, despite our children's centre being fab, most of the playworkers are young and childless and although they really are great with the kids, some of them don't seem to know how to deal with the parents.

I shouldn't worry too much, and yes, perhaps the hormones are not helping Wink

VirginonRidiculous · 10/08/2010 00:22

I always let me dc's run off and do what they fancy (within reason) at playgroups and the like. I spend so much time with them at home and playgroups are places where they learn to socialise with other children. If you were to play with them there then they would look to you for everything. I agree with Alice, a lot of the play workers do not have actual 'hands-on' experience....

and you need to chill out anyway in your condition! (Always like saying condition, what a weird terminology for being preggas ;-))

Original poster
OnEdge · 10/08/2010 00:28

Oh good, I felt really crappy after. I was so proud of how confident my kids were today too, they just toddle off and play with other children and have a really good time. I have watched other Mums who go round with them almost holding their hands, Just looks exhausting to me.

Actually the play leader's own daughter about 9 ish was sat in another room by herself bored, obviously brought along to work with Mum during the school holidays.

OP posts:
Alicetheinvisible · 10/08/2010 00:29

My DD is very independant and i hardly see her as soon as we get through the doors. I think it is much healthier for her to be like that than worrying about boring old mummy when there is paint to jump in or sand to eat.

vInTaGeVioLeT · 10/08/2010 00:30

i wouldn't worry - you said yourself how nicely your daughter joined in out front - if you ask me that is because she feels secure - knows you're right there and is a well grounded little girl - i definately parent/childmind in the same way - i'm there if they want me but let them do their own thing.

Original poster
OnEdge · 10/08/2010 00:30

Also having 2 DC I have more experience of looking after 2 DC than her, she only has one.

OP posts:
Original poster
OnEdge · 10/08/2010 00:33

Alice Yes my DD runs in all happy and goes off playing straight away, even my 1 year old DS has got into it and toddles about grinning getting knocked over, he doesn't care. They only come to me for drinks and bananas.

OP posts:
Original poster
OnEdge · 10/08/2010 00:34

Thanks vintageviolet

OP posts:
MrsBadger · 10/08/2010 04:51

I find our surestart people are on the lookout for parenting issues they can help with, iyswim

Perhaps she was worried the conversation might run eg:
'It's really good to come here because I can just sit and relax and let the children play'
'But do you play with them at home?'

'No we are living at my mum's and there's no space'
'No, my husband gets cross if they make a noise'
'No I am working all the time'

abd would then be able to proffer help re housing / etc

sunnydelight · 10/08/2010 06:02

Sounds like she's been on a course Grin

Jasonthunderpants · 10/08/2010 07:13

They are like that at our local surestart center,which as now closed due to cutbacks
They even stoped putting the chairs out round the hall so the parents would stop sitting on them and chatting amongst themselves.
I interact enough with them at home .I go to these places for a rest and to chat with grownups

gingernutlover · 10/08/2010 07:30

i would feel judges too - lets hope she went home and felt a bit silly for saying what she did.

If your children are confident and secure enough to run off and play and leave you relaxing that is a credit to you I think.

Ragwort · 10/08/2010 07:44

A lot of funding has been allocated on the basis that parenting issues are discussed - as Sunnydelight says, it sounds like she'd been on a course and trying to put it into practice - not very tactfully.

Iloveclimbinghills · 10/08/2010 07:49

She was probably clumsy with her language and overkeen after some training.

Having said that surestart is funded to provide support to families in need so if you attend one of their groups they probably will spend some time assessing that everything is OK.

Goblinchild · 10/08/2010 07:54

Ask her questions about the appropriateness of the setting for a 9 year old, if she's going to be there all week and what peer interaction and stimulus she's going to be getting during the holidays.
I always find an informed attack is the best way to deflect questions. Grin

Goblinchild · 10/08/2010 07:55

Oh, and I love to see confident little ones who assume that the world is an exciting place where everyone loves them.

nickschick · 10/08/2010 07:59

Im a nursery nurse and shortly after I completed my training (NNEB- almost 20 years ago yikes) I was employed by the SS so there I was a young woman of about 18 trying to support women from all sorts of different backgrounds mostly impoverished Sad-I had no children myself,everything I knew from changing nappies to benefit entitlement came from training and books - Id never made a meal for 4 with the last £1.27 in the house,Id never visited 3 supermarkets all in one simply to collect the 'gratuity nappies' they stocked in the m&b changing rooms cos I had no money until my giro came the next day- these ladies did have that and very much more Sad.

Fortunately my training had encouraged empathy and I was able to approach and address some of these issues because I approached these ladies sympathetically - it can be v hard being a young playworker.

another example is a woman whose dc always had headlice ....after a particular rampant time I suspected I had them ....the mum offered to sell me some shampoo .......my OIC explained she was selling her childrens prescription.

FessaEst · 10/08/2010 07:59

....

Where in Exeter is there a sensory play room OnEdge? Would love to take DD! Grin

Btw, YANBU but I find they are often like this, leave you feeling judged and then move on to the next person!

LittleSilver · 10/08/2010 08:05

Don't know about Exeter but there's one at the Crediton SureStart Centre.

LittleSilver · 10/08/2010 08:06

Think it's only for additional needs children though.

Northernlurker · 10/08/2010 08:14

I agree that she was trying to help albeit in a clumsy way. You are obviously doing a great job with them - happy, secure bonded children will go off and explore because they know mum or dad will always be there waiting for them to come back. Smile

OrmRenewed · 10/08/2010 08:20

Ignore. It's hormones and an over-enthusiastic play worker trying to 'help' Grin

But I think that maybe the comment about her 9yr old having to come to work with her mum was a leeeetle but uncalled for ? School hols are a nightmare when you work.

MathsMadMummy · 10/08/2010 08:20

we have a sensory room at one of the local children's centres and anyone can use it but you have to book. must get around to trying it!

anyway I agree with those who have said she was probably over zealous after some training about child protection or something.

I think it's not just better, it's essential to get the kids playing by themselves at these groups. or rather, playing with other children! I do see some children being followed around by their mums at groups and they can't even choose what toys to play with, let alone socialise with the other kids :(

you just have to find the balance IMO - DD is allowed to go off and play but I'll keep an eye out in case she gets hurt/does anything 'naughty' (not generally an issue as she is, of course, an angel...)

I also think it's important for the future - don't make them go off on their own if they're not ready to of course, that would be cruel, but don't hold them back. I'm sure DD settled into preschool so fast because she'd had practice at playgroups!

Wanderingsheep · 10/08/2010 08:29

Just ignore her.

The reason why she probably said it is because originally Children's Centres/Surestart Centres were designed for parents who had trouble interacting with their DC, with the intention of making it so that parents went there to spend time with their DC unlike other toddler groups were parents sit in a circle and leave their children to it.
Staff are trained to help families who may have problems interacting with each other or have other problems.

You definately don't sound like this and she is looking for things that aren't even there, so like I said - ignore her. She's probably like that with everyone!

ballstoit · 10/08/2010 08:36

The Children's Centre will have a target to improve interaction between parent and child. You personally may interact a lot at home, but the parents that this session is specifically aimed at do not. They are on phone/in bed/have friends round, while DC are usually in front of TV most of the day.

If Ofsted were inspecting the Childrens' Centre they would be unimpressed with an activity in which parents were chatting and children were playing elsewhere. The government do not spend our money to create free parent and toddler groups, as nice as this would be. The money is spent with the aim to improve the attainment and skills of pre school children. One way to do this is to encourage parents to spend more time interacting with their children.

If you dont want to be encouraged to play with your children at a group, it's probably better to find a different one to take them to. You'll probably have to pay for this though!

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