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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want to move in with DM when/if DF passes before her.

29 replies

Hai1988 · 09/08/2010 11:50

Have been thinking about this l8lty.

My mum has MS and does need a a bit of caring for (currently by my dad) he is quite a few years older than mum so it is a big posiblity that my dad will pass on long before my mum does. My mum has mentioned this and has suggested that me, DH and DS move in with her if this would happen.

But me and DH are not sure, we like our own space to chill out and that, my mum never leaves the house so we would never have it to ourselves. TBH both me and my dad think she can do more than she is letting on and because my dad does these things she has just got used to it and become a bit (dare i say it lazy.)

We are currently living in a small 2bed fff so her moving in with us is a defo no no, but then i dont think i would want this either.

I know you will problbley all think i am being terrible selfish, but just need some outside advice.

OP posts:
Diamondback · 09/08/2010 12:19

A better solution would be that she leave/sell her house, you leave/sell yours and pool your resources to get somewhere with a granny flat or similar so that you are on hand, but she's not under your feet all the time. You can also talk to local social services and find out what support/nursing care might be available to you.

Or, if a move on your side isn't feasible, could you see if she could move closer to you?

Original poster
Hai1988 · 09/08/2010 12:26

Well we are in a counsil property so use moving is not feasible (have been trying to exchange for a while now but no luck)

We are quite close atm anyway about a 5 min drive and 15min bus journey.

Was thinking of maybe looking into a home carer, but then isnt it my responsibility??

Also thinking that evan tho i only have DS atm, me and DH will probably be having my DC in the future and my parents home isnt exactly big either.

OP posts:
fedupofnamechanging · 09/08/2010 12:27

I don't think you are being selfish. I am on another thread at the moment about this topic and have said that not everyone has the right kind of personality to be a full time 'carer'. I think it is sensible to think these things through properly befor committing to something you may not be able to deliver. I think you need to consider impact on your child for example and on your relationship. What would happen if you wanted another baby etc?

There are plenty of ways that you can help your mum without actually living with her. Perhaps she can move closer to you, so you can pop in frequently/do shopping/help with drs visits without being in the same house all the time. Personal space is very imp to me too, so I understand why you would be reluctant to live with your mum

Original poster
Hai1988 · 09/08/2010 12:35

humm yeh thanks karma, tbh when i lived at home my mum would drive me crazy but no i have moved out i like to go round and spens some time with her. She is a bit of a big talker and she just goes on and on and on lol.

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Original poster
Hai1988 · 09/08/2010 16:21

bump

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ZZZenAgain · 09/08/2010 16:25

struggling with something similar atm too. I don't really know. Are you her only child?

Original poster
Hai1988 · 09/08/2010 16:27

yes I am an only child, Whats ur situation ZZZ?

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ZZZenAgain · 09/08/2010 16:29

so involved, don't want to spread myself all over your thread but we need a solution for dad who is alone and lonely and has cancer, albeit atm ok, and far from all 3 of us. What to do?

swallowedAfly · 09/08/2010 16:34

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Original poster
Hai1988 · 09/08/2010 16:40

swallowed, no that doesn't sound awful, i am actually pretty surprised i thought i was going to get flamed for being a bad daughter Blush

As i said above i live very close, 5 min drive, i dont drive but it is also a 15 min maybe less im not sure i haven't timed it lol.

I haven't actually said this to her as i am afraid of hurting her feelings and upsetting her (very sensitive woman)

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swallowedAfly · 09/08/2010 16:47

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Original poster
Hai1988 · 09/08/2010 16:50

Yeh i think you are, she is just a very socialable person, who gets upset at things sometimes.

Not at all manipulative

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swallowedAfly · 09/08/2010 16:52

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Original poster
Hai1988 · 09/08/2010 16:54

yeh have spoken to my dad about it, but didnt really help because at the end of the day this is only going to become a problem when my dad isnt around anymore.

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swallowedAfly · 09/08/2010 16:59

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cheesypopfan · 09/08/2010 16:59

I don't think you are being unreasonable either. Moving in with your mum requires huge changes for you all and may put quite a lot of pressure on all your relationships. If you came to resent her, then you would not be helping her either. If this situation did arise or showed potential to, then I would suggest getting in contact with SS asap. My dad is in his mid 80's and I know for a fact that i would not be able to look after him if/when the time arises. If I felt obliged to or guilt'ed into it, I would never give him the care he would need as it would be bourne out of resentment. Much better to accept your limitations.

Original poster
Hai1988 · 09/08/2010 17:03

yeh ok thats swallowed i think i will do that, but as you said i hope this doesnt happen for a long time yet, (dad is 74.)

The thing is she doesnt even need 24hour care, just some1 to help with meals and getting in and out of the bath is a problem aswell but thats all.

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Original poster
Hai1988 · 09/08/2010 17:05

Yeh thats a very good point cheesy

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swallowedAfly · 09/08/2010 17:05

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Original poster
Hai1988 · 09/08/2010 17:11

yeh i think that may be it, as i said above she is very socialble and loves a chat so i think it is the company she wants.
I would be willing to go round as often as i could, i do atm anyway

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WhereYouLeftIt · 09/08/2010 17:15

I think it's entirely reasonable to plan ahead, which is essentially what you are doing here. The likelihood is that your dad will die first (not a given, though) and now is the time for you ALL (including your mother) to look at how best to deal with that, before anyone is grief-stricken and not thinking straight.

Your current flat isn't suitable for a three-generation household. Neither is their current house. She doesn't actually need 24-hour care, just some assistance with certain household tasks. And she'd probably like some company. she has been coddled a bit by your dad so possibly does less than she can (so might become flustered when she has to step it up a bit).

The ideal would probably be a "granny-flat"-like joint housing, where you still have your own space but are to hand, able to pop in for ten minutes at mealtimes and then ten minutes again a few hours later to hep her out of the bath. If you think that would suit your situation, how would you achieve it? Could the council provide something (unlikely I know)? Could they move to a flat very close to yours? Could they fund a place big enough for you all?

I guess you have to decide what would work, and whether it could be achievable.

atswimtwolengths · 09/08/2010 17:48

If she's sociable, then she'll miss companionship more than actual help if she's widowed. Maybe both of them could move into sheltered accommodation? It would be less painful to them if they were widowed, as their new friends would be near them.

lilyliz · 09/08/2010 19:16

Have a talk with the two of them present and maybe see about alittle help no,it would give your dad a break and if the worst happened your mum would be used to carers coming in and maybe wouldn't be looking for you to move back.

OrmRenewed · 09/08/2010 19:18

You aren't selfish just realistic. But I think you might be wise to to talk about this with your parents and prepare some sort of plan. Would you really be happy to say 'ah fuck it, not my problem' when she's alone and struggling?

Original poster
Hai1988 · 10/08/2010 09:48

thank you all for the helpful advice Smile

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