AIBU to not want to move in with DM when/if DF passes before her.

[Hai1988]

Have been thinking about this l8lty.

My mum has MS and does need a a bit of caring for (currently by my dad) he is quite a few years older than mum so it is a big posiblity that my dad will pass on long before my mum does. My mum has mentioned this and has suggested that me, DH and DS move in with her if this would happen.

But me and DH are not sure, we like our own space to chill out and that, my mum never leaves the house so we would never have it to ourselves. TBH both me and my dad think she can do more than she is letting on and because my dad does these things she has just got used to it and become a bit (dare i say it lazy.)

We are currently living in a small 2bed fff so her moving in with us is a defo no no, but then i dont think i would want this either.

I know you will problbley all think i am being terrible selfish, but just need some outside advice.

I don't think you're being selfish to be reluctant, moving in together would be such a major step. My family moved into a bigger house with my grandparents when I was 10 as they could no longer live independently. My parents were wonderful carers but it was very difficult for me as a child and put a lot of pressure on our family. Looking back now I think they did the right thing but it was extremely hard and easily could have turned out badly

My DP & I moved in with his Mother after his stepfather died in 2006.
It is definitely not something I would do again, though both my parents are gone, so it wouldn't be likely.
She went from someone that just needed a bit of help to someone who is completely dependant & needing 24 hr care between then & now. She's just moved into a hospice in the last month or so & I feel like I've been let out of prison. though I feel pretty bad for feeling that way.
In the time we were caring for her (mostly me as she wouldn't let DP do any of her personal care & there was alot with the incontinence.) it put a lot of pressure on us as a couple & us as a family. I'm only 30 & the last few yrs have been awful especially when I was pregnant with DD & even more so after I had her. It was only in June when I had to go bk down to England (I'm in Glasgow) after my Dad got diagnosed with Cancer & died a week later, & DP & his family saw for themselves how much care MIL actually needed that eventually we managed to get her into the hospice where she is getting the proper 24 hr care that she needs.
Sorry this is getting a bit long & rambling, I'm not terribly good at expressing myself in words. I just didn't want to read & run, I'll get to the point though.
I would think very seriously before you agree to move in with your Mum as it will be a lot of pressure on you & your family.

Sorry to bring up bad thoughts, but I think you need to add another aspect to this:

What happens if/when your father also becomes unwell or too frail to provide the care your mother needs?

You seem to be assuming that he'll be fit to care for her till the day he dies, but that's not likely to be the case. As he ages, his own health will deteriorate and they may well come a time when he needs help. He certainly won't be capable of lifting your mum in and out of the bath forever.

It's very sensible of you to be thinking of this now, and not at all selfish. Selfish would be blithely going about your own life, oblivious to any of this!

that is very true ginny, but my dad already has a plan if this was to happen. He would get a carer or some1 to come in and help out.

tbh like we said above i think my mum wants be to move in for the company more than the care.