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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be really hurt by DP wanting someone else to move in once Ive gone?

37 replies

SickOfEverything · 09/08/2010 11:14

DP and I have decided to live seperately as the house is too small and we are both used to living independantly and we can't tolerate each other's kids. We were supposed to be carrying on the relationship, just in different accomodation but since then he's just said various things that makes me realise he doesn't care about me at all. I think he wants to convienience of a weekend girlfriend without the hassle of having to live with her kids.
I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt as he is bad with communication but today he's really upset me. Basically he keeps going on about how it will be so much better when we live seperately as we need the space, he needs "space" and he kept saying after I'd gone he'd NEVER have anyone live with him again as he's no good with other people's kids and he just wants it to be him and his child living here until she leaves school. Just the two of them. But then today he said very casually "oh, I wonder if Jason (his ex-wife's son, not his own) would move in after you've gone as a lodger?"
I said "I thought you wanted to live by yourself?? that's what you keep telling me" and he quickly changed to say "yeah, I was joking, don't worry". I said "you were not joking, why did you say that??" and he said "oh I was just thinking of the money that's all, it was a stupid thing to say, sorry"

I'm really upset by it. Its like he can't wait to get rid of us as he "needs his own space" but is already considering having his EX's kid move in to take our place.

AIBU?

OP posts:

sanielle · 09/08/2010 11:19

Thats a funny one.. If the child grew up around your DP it may be similar to having one of his own children in the house and not an issue. And also it isnt quite the same as if he just got a random lodger he knows he can live with this person

ChippingIn · 09/08/2010 11:22

Well, I there are several things going on here aren't there.

Frankly, I'd walk away from a relationship where we'd decided to live apart because we couldn't stand each others kids.

Secondly, whilst I can see you are upset/hurt, I think YABU. Having one teenager/adult he likes move in to help with the bills, isn't the same as having a girlfriend & her kids living there is it?

I think you deserve more out of a relationship than this bloke can or wants to give you....

PosieParker · 09/08/2010 11:24

Dump him and move on. find someone that you can share your whole life with and has a future.

And good luckxxx

CoffeeMum · 09/08/2010 11:24

Completely agree with ChippingIn

MmeLindt · 09/08/2010 11:25

What Chippingin said.

Why are with him if neither of you can stand each other's kids, cannot live together.

Is it supposed to be a temporary measure?

I think you would be better off officially single. Then you can meet someone who can be everything to you, someone you can truly commit to and he to you.

Original poster

SickOfEverything · 09/08/2010 11:38

Yeah it was meant to be temp. I know it's different but it was the way he went on and on about wanting it to be just him and his DD because the house wasn't big enough for anything or anyone else - then as soon as he thinks I'm on my way out he's thinking of getting someone else in.
What gets me is he says he wants us to live seperately now but once I'm qualified we "maybe able to reconsider" so in other words, when I have a bit of money??
He's just full of shit. I can't wait to get rid.

OP posts:

ChippingIn · 09/08/2010 12:25

SOE - you've posted about him before haven't you, under a different name... if it's who I think you are GET RID

and anyway, even if you aren't....

GET RID

Find someone who is worthy of your love & energy.

droves · 09/08/2010 12:38

Id dump him asap.
Not only does he want shot of you , he has no backbone so gives you a palrty excuse of needing "space".
You know this because he wants to move his ex`s son in as a lodger.

HE IS A TWAT! , YOU CAN DO BETTER !

StudiousSal · 09/08/2010 12:43

SOE- I think you have posted here before as chipping in states, at the time we all told you to dump him, please do it, or you will drive yourself mad wondering what he's upto.

If it was meant to work it would have, it obviously hasn't so you need to walk away, and leave the selfish pig to his own house, and move on.

Altinkum · 09/08/2010 12:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker · 09/08/2010 12:45

I really don't know why you are trying to hang on to this "relationship" at all costs

LadyintheRadiator · 09/08/2010 12:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

blackberryway · 09/08/2010 13:02

You sound a bit confused tbh - on the one hand you 'can't wait to be rid', on the other you are getting upset about his plans after you've gone. His plans are really nothing to do with you now, just as yours will be nothing to do with him.

Don't let him string you along with stuff about reconsidering, just get on with your life, get qualified and build up your confidence away from him - you deserve far better.

AMumInScotland · 09/08/2010 13:12

I think you simply have to accept that this relationship has run its course. I don't know the background, but if the two of you can't live together amicably and don't like each other's children, then it's really not going anywhere is it? You can let it drag on, or you can draw a line and get on with your life.

Face it, the "space" he's looking for isn't a physical thing, its emotional - he wants to distance himself from you and your relationship.

Original poster

SickOfEverything · 09/08/2010 13:39

I'm upset and confused because other times he'll start going on about how in the future we can book holidays to Florida/Thailand, have weekends in Holland, Scotland, go for walks in the countryside, hire little cottages, buy a nice house when the kids have left home, so it sounds like he genuinly does want a relationship with me but then he'll say something like "I'm going to buy a brand new set of pans ... but I won't be opening them until you've left" I mean, how petty is that?? And then the stuff with his ex's son after telling me he wanted to keep the house for just him and his daughter?? Since we've been together we've not been able to take the kids on ANY holiday whereas before I moved in here, I took them away every year. He knows full well that once I move out I'll start saving for a holiday again and he says "I'll be pissed off if you go somewhere decent, I don't care if you go somewhere cheap and tacky like majorca but I'd be livid if you went to Florida again because you've been once, it's unfair on me and DD if you go again" but at the same time I know full well he wouldn't turn it down if it was offered to him! he even said he's hoping his dad will offer to pay for a holiday for them out of sympathy yet he expects me to go nowhere?

Another thing was the argos card which I got in my name but we bought stuff for the house on it and we both pay it off. I agreed I would take the card with me when I leave and pay it off myself as I'm taking a few of the things we used it for. As it happens, it's almost paid off now anyway and he said "I'd be pissed off if it was paid before you moved out to be honest" in other words - he'd much rather see me suffer with debts etc

Why??? and why is he like this when other times he goes on about what a great relationship we can have in "the future"??

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 09/08/2010 13:43

he is a fantasist

haven't you realised that yet ?

pure and simple

thumbwitch · 09/08/2010 13:44

SickOfEverything - just stop wondering about this man and his agenda. Stop even thinking about it, and him.

Give up on him completely, get the hell out of there, take some of the stuff taht you need (since he made you get rid of all of yours) and get him out of your life, your mind and your hair.

Stop thinking there is anything there for you - there isn't. And if he wants his stepson to move in with him, that's hardly the same as a new GF or even having you there with your DC.

Move on, really - you need to let go of this whole situation.

Be Strong.

AMumInScotland · 09/08/2010 13:47

"in the future" means in an imaginary world, where the idea of a relationship can be enjoyed without any of the reality. He likes the idea of being with someone, going on holidays, taking romantic walks, etc. But he is crap at actually coping with the day-to-day world where you have to agree about who is doing the dishes, get on with each other's families, boring mundane real life stuff. Which is the stuff that matters, because 99% of life is the every day stuff, not the "if only" stuff.

Frankly he sounds like a petty child - he won't do things together, but won't let you do them yourself either. And why does it matter to him when you pay off the card? It's your money and your debt (now you've agreed to take it on) - if you pay it off next week or next year it's no skin off his nose.

chipmonkey · 09/08/2010 13:47

SOE, seriously, does this guy have a really big willy? Because otherwise, he seems to have absolutely nothing else to recommend him!

Move out and move on. You can do so much better for yourself and your boys. ( If you are who I think you are)

AnyFucker · 09/08/2010 13:49

big willys are over-rated

FallingWithStyle · 09/08/2010 13:50

Stop moping about this.
Move out. Be rid of him and his selfishness.
You should never have been living together anyway if neither of you can stand the others kids.
I should imagine they cant wait to be shot of their respective step-parents.

pranma · 09/08/2010 13:53

He sounds a right charmer-the sooner you are totally rid of him and all his nasty controlling ways the better for you and your dc.You can do better.Being alone would be better.Pay off the card before you go-clean slate-and have that holiday asap.Send him a post card.

Minxie1977 · 09/08/2010 13:55

Don't know the history that seems to be behind this and hate to disagree but I think YABU.

There's a big diff between living with a partner & their family and someone you choose as a lodger.

There seem to be far more issues here and a lot of more important stuff but based on your OP alone, I do think YABU

carriedababi · 09/08/2010 14:08

he sounds really horrible.

start afresh op, you deserve more

Follyfoot · 09/08/2010 15:34

It might sound to you like he 'genuinely does want a relationship', but I'm afraid (sorry if this sounds harsh, I dont mean it to be) it doesnt sound like that to the rest of us....

Who lives with him when you no longer live together isnt really the issue at all is it?

Surely you would be better off alone.

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