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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

sleeping arrangements at grandmas house

49 replies

sickoftheholidays · 08/08/2010 18:52

Just wanted to get some perspective on a situation we have at the moment.
DS (6) and DD (4) stay over at MIL's house quite frequently to help us out with childcare in the school hols, for which I am eternally grateful (both for the childcare and the chance to sleep past 6am once a week)

MIL lives in a 2 bed house, but has an unfortunate problem of collecting "stuff" ie she refuses to throw anything away. The 2nd bedroom contains a babys' cot for DD, a load of magazines, other junk etc. DS sleeps in bed with grandma, and grandad sleeps on the sofa.

DH and I have been getting increasingly worried about DD being in a cot at 4, as she could easily try to climb out, and could fall and hurt herself. Also, she cant get up to use the toilet on her own and would have to wait for MIL to get up and assist. Not worried too much about DS as he doesnt really give a stuff where he sleeps as long as its warm and soft.

DH has just broached the cot issue with MIL now, and has been told there isnt room in the spare bedroom for bunk beds, and he is really angry because there is plenty of room if the 5 year accumulation of "chat" and "take a break" magazines were removed.
I tend to agree with him, and get upset that DD is in a cot on her own in what is effectively a junk room, and has to stand in the cot shouting for (grandma) when she needs a wee at 2am.

Am I being unreasonable to ask that the kids be moved to suitable sleeping place (we are more than happy to buy bunk beds, bedding etc) as I dont think DD can actually lie straight in the cot anymore, has to sleep with her legs bent?

They currently sleepover 1/2 nights a week, so its not an occasional thing

OP posts:
moondog · 08/08/2010 18:56

I don't think you can dictate how the home is organised to peopel who are doing you a regular favour which is obviously inconvenient (turfing an old bloke out of his bed), no.

I'm assuming you don't pay them either?
If you don't like the way their home is organised, find someone else to do it, pay them and then you can tell them exactly how you wnat everything done.

choufleur · 08/08/2010 18:58

YANBU. a 4 year old shouldn't be in a cot and if you are offering to buy beds then I think that is fair enough. Does MIL need physical help do you think sorting stuff out?

justaboutblowingbubbles · 08/08/2010 19:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NannyBeth · 08/08/2010 19:01

If they don't want to go through their junk (and my dad is exactly the same - last time my mum had a clear out of his 'stuff' she found magazines from the flipping 1970s!!!!!) could you buy them a sofa bed for the lounge that the DC could share??

I agree to offer to help them sort the room out is a good idea too!

redglen · 08/08/2010 19:06

Sleeping arrangements don't seem ideal. Wonder why MIL is reluctant to clear her clutter - perhaps she feels overwhelmed by it and doesn't know where to start with clearing it, or doesn't feel physically up to it ... you could offer to help with decorating the spare room and kitting it out for the children. Try to present it in a way that does not imply critisism of what they are doing at the moment as they are helping you a lot - not all GP's would be willing to shift their own sleeping arrangements around as they are doing.

Ultimately though it is their house and they have every right to refuse. Then you must make your decision about your child care arrangements, if you are not happy with the situation you may need to review the sleepovers.

Original poster
sickoftheholidays · 08/08/2010 19:07

she wont sort out the room, its all up the stairs too, a pile on each stair. And at her old house (she owns her own house outright, moved in with FIL 10 years ago, and her house is still as full of junk as the day she left)

OP posts:
LIZS · 08/08/2010 19:10

tbh if she hasn't the will to see it is an issue then I'm surprised she can be trusted to look after your young dc. You may have to accept it is time to stop the sleepovers since your priorities clearly differ.

FakePlasticTrees · 08/08/2010 19:14

You just have to stop the sleep overs, sorry, but you can't make them change, just remove your kids from it.

violethill · 08/08/2010 19:20

I agree, it sounds very unsatisfactory from your point of view, but they're not going to change now, so tbh I would stop the sleep overs and sort child care so that you can just stick to day time visits with the gps

Dimtan · 08/08/2010 19:29

YABU. At IL's house the only place for the dd's to sleep was one in a cot and one on the floor of our room. DD2 slept in the cot until she was 2.6 and could get in and out by 18 months (when she slept in a bed at home) Now they both sleep in BIL's old room, one on a bed and one on a mattress on the floor.
At my mums there is a single bed and another cot, which DD1 (who is 4.6) sleeps in with the side down. She loves it and thinks it very funny to sleep in a cot.

I woudl not expect anyone to buy new beds for my children. If you are not happy with what she has available for your dc then they can't sleep there, it is not your house and they are doing you a favour.

hugglymugly · 08/08/2010 19:29

I don't want to appear to be scaremongering, but from the mental image I've got of your MIL's house from your description, one thing I'd be concerned about is the amount of combustible material that's being stored there.

Your MIL clearly has a problem if she still owns her old house and hasn't dealt with that for a decade, but if she can't deal with her problem even given the impact it's having on your children, she doesn't sound a fit person to have care of young children.

And if she won't even listen her son, I think you should make alternative arrangements.

sleepingsowell · 08/08/2010 19:51

I think if you've asked, and they refuse, then your only option is to stop the sleepovers. They are doing a favour, and you can't make them organise their house any differently.

I agree with others that if she's happy to have your 4 yr old in a cot and if they won't listen to their son asking for different arrangements there's nothing else you can do than make alternative arrangements that don't include the sleepovers.

ChippingIn · 08/08/2010 19:59

I would also be worried about the fire risk and leaving children with people who think it's acceptable to live this way, it sounds like a very risky environment to me. I would explain this to them gently, offer to help them make it safe and if they refuse - I wouldn't let them stay there any more.

Better a few more early mornings & paid childcare than putting them in this unsafe environment.

TubbyDuffs · 08/08/2010 20:01

All seems a bit odd, can't believe that they would put old magazines before the comfort of your children.

However, it is their house and they are doing you a big favour.

I would, however, think that a 4 year old could easily climb out of a cot if need be; hardly a long way down to fall is it?

If you are really that unhappy with the arrangement, I would stop the sleepovers.

Is there a UK equivalent of "Clean House"? If so, get them phoned and bring in the telly crew!

traceybath · 08/08/2010 20:01

What huggly said - I would feel very uneasy about that arrangement.

Also there is no way my son at 4 would have slept in a cot - he just would have refused and I wouldn't have blamed him.

Original poster
sickoftheholidays · 08/08/2010 20:05

We have offered to pay for bunk beds but she is reluctant to clear the space in the spare room. That was the other thing I wanted to ask, AIBU to tell them that either they let us clear the junk and put bunk beds in, or sleepovers have to stop?
Kids would be gutted and so would PIL as they love having them.

OP posts:
Acanthus · 08/08/2010 20:07

At least take down the cot and let the 4yo sleep on the cot mattress on the floor

GeekOfTheWeek · 08/08/2010 20:13

I think you should stop the sleepovers.

sallyseton · 08/08/2010 20:15

Sounds ike your mil could suffer from this

ChippingIn · 08/08/2010 20:18

[Did you see my post at 19.59 (I know it's easy to miss some!!).]

I think the clutter around the place is dangerous (fire, allergies, health & fall risk). I would say (gently!!) that unless they cleared it up (with help) and allowed me to put suitable beds, that they would no longer be allowed to sleep over.

compo · 08/08/2010 20:22

Maybe your pils could babysit at your house
you and dh could stay at theirs?
Once a week is quite often really though
I'd knock it on the head
just tell them in September you don't need help with childcare anymore
you don't need to make an issue of it but if they ask just say dd is uncomfortable sleeping in a cot at age 4

prozacfairy · 08/08/2010 20:22

YABU. It'a up to the inlaws how they have their house- although it sounds a frigging nightmare to me.

There is no way I'd let a 4 year old sleep in a baby's cot- why the hell should she? Must be bloody uncomfortable, even more so if she wets the damn thing because granny didnt wake up in time.

If it was I'd just not let them sleep over unless there was an age appropriate bed for them to both sleep in. Have you considered fold away campbeds or readybeds? Set up in the living room or granny's bedroom if it's big enough?

BabyDubsEverywhere · 08/08/2010 20:23

Couldn't your DD sleep with her also?
Or take the side of the cot off?
Or pay for childcare?

fluffles · 08/08/2010 20:26

no, you can't let the 4yo sleep in a cot. you'll have to stop the sleepovers if grandma won't change the arrangements.

Bellepink · 08/08/2010 20:27

YANBU. Yes they are helping you out, but why should that automatically mean your DD's comfort or safety can be compromised? Your priority is your DCs not MIL.

My recommendation is that you buy a cot bed with a drop-down or removable side, to take place of the current too-small cot.

Your MIL would have to come up with a very good reason for not accepting a cot bed in place of the cot even if she doesn't want bunks.

In time, your PIL might upgrade to bunks and if they do, you can sell the cot bed and put it towards the cost of bunks, so it isn't a false economy.

If they won't even accept a cot bed then I would have to reconsider them sleeping over for the time being. I don't feel you are making a fuss over nothing here.

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