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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

sleeping arrangements at grandmas house

49 replies

sickoftheholidays · 08/08/2010 18:52

Just wanted to get some perspective on a situation we have at the moment.
DS (6) and DD (4) stay over at MIL's house quite frequently to help us out with childcare in the school hols, for which I am eternally grateful (both for the childcare and the chance to sleep past 6am once a week)

MIL lives in a 2 bed house, but has an unfortunate problem of collecting "stuff" ie she refuses to throw anything away. The 2nd bedroom contains a babys' cot for DD, a load of magazines, other junk etc. DS sleeps in bed with grandma, and grandad sleeps on the sofa.

DH and I have been getting increasingly worried about DD being in a cot at 4, as she could easily try to climb out, and could fall and hurt herself. Also, she cant get up to use the toilet on her own and would have to wait for MIL to get up and assist. Not worried too much about DS as he doesnt really give a stuff where he sleeps as long as its warm and soft.

DH has just broached the cot issue with MIL now, and has been told there isnt room in the spare bedroom for bunk beds, and he is really angry because there is plenty of room if the 5 year accumulation of "chat" and "take a break" magazines were removed.
I tend to agree with him, and get upset that DD is in a cot on her own in what is effectively a junk room, and has to stand in the cot shouting for (grandma) when she needs a wee at 2am.

Am I being unreasonable to ask that the kids be moved to suitable sleeping place (we are more than happy to buy bunk beds, bedding etc) as I dont think DD can actually lie straight in the cot anymore, has to sleep with her legs bent?

They currently sleepover 1/2 nights a week, so its not an occasional thing

OP posts:

LucyLouLou · 08/08/2010 20:30

YADNBU to stop the sleepovers. If you are not happy with the arrangements at the house, and the ILs are not willing to change things, that's really the only option available to you.

Is there any reason why both children can't sleep in the living room btw? That way you could get a couple of blow-up beds and just take them with you when you take the kids. I imagine it won't be long before your DS won't want to sleep with GM anyway.

prozacfairy · 08/08/2010 21:05

A cotbed for a 4 year old is kind of a false economy no? My nearly 3 year old who is admittedly quite well built- is way too big for hers and I'm saving to buy her a proper big girl's bed

I don't get the issue- you're worried about your DC sleeping there, inlaws refuse to chuck out a load of manky old crap stuff and yet you're sighing and umming and ahhing about it.

All you can really do is just say "we really appreciate your help with the DC, but unless they both have somewhere safe and comfortable (ie, not in a baby's cot) to sleep when they come to stay the night we're gonna have to take a rain check for the forseeable future."

pranma · 08/08/2010 21:36

can you help put stuff in loft in boxes for them?

JaynieB · 08/08/2010 21:41

I think you're being reasonable - the current situation is not acceptable or safe and either its changed - and you're offering to help and buy the new beds, or the kids can't stay over.

musicmadness · 09/08/2010 20:02

sounds like she suffers with this tbh
www.compulsive-hoarding.org/
you need to get your 4 year old out of the cot, it can't be comfortable for her and if she is being forced to sleep bent up that can't be good for her posture surely?

DuelingFanjo · 09/08/2010 20:06

Your husband is BU to be 'really angry'though I can understand that the arrangements don't sound ideal.

I think if it's not working out for you and the PILs don't want to change the way they run their house, then you'll just have to find alternative childcare.

wigglesrock · 09/08/2010 20:40

Maybe they feel the 1-2 nights a week sleepover is too much for them and they're not sure how to tell you, so maybe they're hoping you will change the arrangement. My 2.9 year old can't sleep in a cot so I understand the discomfort but it is their house and if they want to use their spare bedroom as a junkroom up to them.

loflo · 09/08/2010 20:52

When DS was that age he had a ready bed thing (like a posh sleeping bag) - could you get one that DD could take to MILs? They take up very little space and come in lots of different designs (try Argos).

Spacehopper5 · 09/08/2010 21:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

wigglesrock · 09/08/2010 21:45

No, YANBU for wanting them to sleep somewhere safe and comfortable, try your own house. The situation is not safe or suitable at gps but it is their house, if they don't want to change their spare room into a child's bedroom it is up to them, if I were you I'd be more worried about my fil sleeping on the sofa 1-2 nights a week.

bedubabe · 10/08/2010 07:02

Have you offered to help out with the clearup as well as buying the bunkbeds? That might not be the problem but it sounds like a really big job.

HollyGoHeavily · 10/08/2010 07:24

Sounds quite horrible for your DD - i wouldn't want to sleep in a bed that was much too small for me in a room full of junk. There are real fire risk and hygiene issues as well as the discomfort.

I really don't agree with the attitude that it is there house so you have to just put up and shut up. You need a frank conversation - the children have enjoyed staying with them over the past couple of years but you can't continue the arrangement unless things change.

Offer again to help with sorting out the junk, offer to buy bunk beds and if they say no explain gently that the consequence of their decision is that your children won't be able to stay overnight any more.

whoopstheregoesmymerkin · 10/08/2010 07:45

YANBU for wanting a safe environment for your kids
YABU for dictating how they live, putting your kids in a fire trap, a 6 year old in with his grandma (!!) and making old man kip on a sofa.
I would make different childcare arrangements pronto, really, you have to. They are your kids.

tittybangbang · 10/08/2010 08:36

YANBU - though my 5 year old (who's just turned 5) still sleeps in the cot at my my mums and loves it! When he wants to go to the loo he just hurls himself over the side and heads off for the bathroom.

Your MIL will have to replace the cot at some point. Just say that your dd can't sleep in it any more because she's too big, and that's that. Offer to buy some bunk beds and clear all the rubbish from the room so there's space for everyone to sleep comfortably.

tittybangbang · 10/08/2010 08:38

Sorry - meant it's a cot bed, ie massive! (though he still fills it up!)

If it's a normal size cot and your dd is squashed, then you need to do something ASAP. How horrible for your dd to have to sleep all bent up.

Megatron · 10/08/2010 08:47

Yes they are doing you a favour and that's really helpful but I really don't see why that means your child should be uncomfortable. I'm afraid if I thought my children where I felt they are uncomfortable and possibly unsafe (re combustables etc) they wouldn't be going there again until the situation was resolved. You can't tell them what to do with their house but you can explain that your children won't be staying again as there simply isn't room. Really depends whether they feel that keeping their magazines is more important that their grandchildren staying.

diddl · 10/08/2010 09:08

Sounds awful.

There doesn´t seem to be room & that´s that!

Poor old FIL on the sofa!

Poor 6yr old in with Granny!

ladylobster · 10/08/2010 15:33

YANBU at all, i could have wrote this post, apart from we are long distance from MIL, her house is just like this, if not even worse, its dangerous, messy and unhygenic to say the least

The house has 3 bedrooms, one which is hers, 2 which are completely full to the rafters with junk from years ago, magazines, newspapers, general crap, empty cardboard boxes, it goes on...

We cannot visit often due to distance, but when we do we have to stay elsewhere (paid - hotel etc), half through personal choice on my part, and half because its just horrific and there is no pleasure in it at all, your tripping over stuff and cant sit down without thinking first

Husband has dropped numerous hints about clearing up at least one room, and we would buy the furniture etc, but she doesnt get it at all and i think she has an issue with hoarding, as it sounds like yours does

Personally i dont understand it, but it seems it is a real issue for her, she offers us her room, and she would them sleep on the sofa, i refuse to do this as i have a proper unreasonable fear of sleeping in her bed as thats where FIL died, silly i know, but also ridiculous for a 60 yr old woman to be sleeping on a sofa while we take her bed when there are 2 other perfectly sized rooms waiting to be emptied of crap!!!

I juts book in advance now when we are heading down that way, as then there is no need to make the excuses, i think you perhaps need to back off the stay overs a little, and perhaps this might make her realise she needs to deal with it for things to go back to how they were, the kids are only getting bigger, its only going to be a bigger issue! :o)

Catilla · 10/08/2010 15:47

Sorry haven't read the whole thread, but a few ideas they might accept:

cot mattress on the floor & you can dismantle / throw out the rest of the cot?
inflatable beds for one or both children?

Ours use sleeping bags & rollmats at grandmas when other cousins are there too and there aren't enough beds to go round. They love them (were their main christmas presents from us)! If you gave your kids something like this and they bounced into Grandma's full of excitment about their new beds, would that be accepted more easily?

Good luck!

Morloth · 10/08/2010 15:52

I think it is their house and if they don't want to change then fair enough. I also think you and DH get to decide whether the sleeping arrangements are OK and if they are not say that the kids can't stay for sleepovers.

proudnsad · 10/08/2010 16:03

I think offering to buy bunk beds, a sofa bed and diplomatically offering to help clear the junk is the way to go.

Yes it's their house blah de blah, but your poor child all folded up in that cot!

MichaelaS · 10/08/2010 16:42

YADNBU

As others have said its only going to get worse. Unfortunatley I think its going to upset your MIL to confront the issue, but at some stage you're going to have to say no more.

Or perhaps if your MIL is really refusing to budge, perhaps you could suggest both your DC sleep in her bed whilst SHE sleeps all bent over in the cot!

diddl · 10/08/2010 20:27

The thing is, MIL has said that there isn´t room for bunk beds.

So I think that´s it.

It´s her house to live in as she wishes.

I don´t really think your husband has any business getting cross because they don´t want bunk beds in their house to accomodate your childcare arrangements.

MumNWLondon · 10/08/2010 21:05

I think you need to stop the sleepovers, was going to say dismantle the cot, DD can sleep on mattress on floor, but doesn't sound safe. I can understand them not wanting bunk beds - maybe folding beds, or lightweight mattresses that could stand on end would be more appropriate. But unless they clear out the stuff the room doesn't sound safe.

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