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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to walk out and not come back!

47 replies

MuffinsMummy · 07/08/2010 18:02

I am feeling so fed up at the moment and feel like walking out of the front door and not coming back!

Nothing is hugely bad just lots of little things!

DH hasn't had a proper job since he quit his just after we got married 2 years ago. He owes me about £2000 but what little money he has normally ends up in the pub. I pay for everything to do with the flat (belongs to him), DC and car.

I have a fairly good job and can just about afford it but have debts of my own that I can't afford to pay. It wouldn't bother me if he was a SAHD but he doesn't even look after kids. He picks DD1 up from school but DD2 goes to nursery 2 days a week and MIL has her the other day I work.

I am on maternity leave at the moment so he doesn't have them at all. He doesn't do much around the flat but moans if it isn't tidy and says I don't walk dog enough.

I know I'm not the easiest person in the world to live with but I just feel so fed up! He has asked about a job but as he has no experience I'm not sure if he will get it.

I could be here all day but don't want to bore u all with my trivial problems!

OP posts:
moondog · 07/08/2010 18:10

It sounds outrageous.
Why do yuo put up with it is first question.

wahwah · 07/08/2010 18:10

He sounds like a catch! Seriously, this man is not an equal partner. You need to get him to shape up or ship out. Really, what would be the loss?

Tee2072 · 07/08/2010 18:11

I agree with moondog, why do you put up with it? If my husband didn't work and moaned about the state of things, I would, indeed, hand over the children and walk out the door. At least for a few days.

AgentZigzag · 07/08/2010 18:19

He needs to get off his arse, pull his finger out and his socks up.

How old is he? 18? sounds like he needs a dose of reality to show him his responsibilities.

They don't sound trivial problems to me, perhaps each on their own, but lump them all together and they make one wock off big 'un ie your DH.

I'm not sure what the answer is, can you force someone to not be so lazy?

Original poster
MuffinsMummy · 07/08/2010 18:19

There are a few reasons I'm still here I guess. I have no where else to go, no money and DC3 is due on Monday. He says living with me is just as bad. He told me I was selfish and controlling last week cos I was annoyed he wanted to eat 2 yoghurts at the same time when we haven't much money.

Most of the time I just get on with it but sometimes it really gets to me.

OP posts:
colditz · 07/08/2010 18:24

That is hugely bad, they are not little things, they are big things.

He does not love you. People who love one another do not behave like this. He lives with you because you make his life more pleasant by paying for things, so he doesn't have to go to work. You are his cash cow.

You could contact Womansaid, you ARE being abused financially - he's refusing to look after the children or to pay for anything - he's forcing too much work onto you.

At a guess, correct me if I'm wrong, he was the one who bought the dog that 'you don't walk enough'...

colditz · 07/08/2010 18:26

Stop just getting on with it.

Stop rolling over and letting him kick you.

I understand that right now you have to have your baby in peace, but once the dust has settled it is time to shake the changes through.

He is not entitled to do fuck all and not support himself just because he has a penis.

ccpccp · 07/08/2010 18:27

You've let it get like this.

He isnt really earning, but continues the beery lifestyle because you subsidise it. On top of that you are doing all the house work!

He needs to either contibute more to the family, or he gets his subsidy reduced. Spend the saved beer money on a Spa weekend where he looks after the kids, and dont ring once the whole time you are away.

He clearly doesnt realise who wears the trousers in your relationship. A sharp reminder is due.

Original poster
MuffinsMummy · 07/08/2010 18:29

He is 35. He has been doing a bit of work with a friend lately but has been ripped off a bit which he is not happy about. The money he has received has gone in the pub but he thinks he is owed more. MIL has bailed him out loads in the past but is now refusing to do it which I agree with.

I think I feel bad today because there is a problem with the car that I can't afford to have repaired and we were supposed to be going swimming with the DC but cos I didn't have us all ready to go by 9 we didnt.

Sorry just rambling now.

OP posts:
moondog · 07/08/2010 18:37

Why couldn't you go if not ready by 9?

Original poster
MuffinsMummy · 07/08/2010 18:37

He already had the dog before we got together.

He does some stuff around the flat but not much really dishes now and again and hoovering.

He tells me he loves me but don't really believe him. The whole leaving him thing scares me. When we got together I had 1 DC and now I will have 3!

OP posts:
Original poster
MuffinsMummy · 07/08/2010 18:40

Moondog if I ask him to do something together as a family he will only do it if we leave really early and as I have to get me and both DC ready most of the time I don't bother.

OP posts:
colditz · 07/08/2010 18:41

You are 9 months pregnant and he's bitching because YOU aren't walking HIS dog?

I'd kill him. You need to make an exit plan. You need to get away from this waste of skin.

stillbobbysgirl · 07/08/2010 18:43

He doesnt contribute financially or in practical ways - he sees you go out to work and just sits there until you get home to wait on him? This is insane? Why would you let someone treat you like this? Confused A partnership has to be just that - both of you working hard to the same end, whether in the home or out of it.
What a great example of manhood this fool is showing his kids.
Life/motherhood is hard enough without carrying a dead weight around with you.

Original poster
MuffinsMummy · 07/08/2010 18:46

Where we live it would cost at least £1600 to move into a rented place and that doesn't include moving costs. I just haven't got that kind of money and can't see anyway of saving at the moment.

OP posts:
Original poster
MuffinsMummy · 07/08/2010 18:49

Stillbobbysgirl - he doesn't sit at home when I am not here he does "jobs" for family and friends then goes to the pub.

OP posts:
SummerRain · 07/08/2010 18:51

My dp has been out of work for a year and during that time i've started an OU course.

He cleans up after the kids and deals with them as much as I do during the day, in fact between my course work and my running around for the playschool committee he probably deals with them more than i do most days! If i need to go out the kids as often as not stay with him and he positively encourages me to go on nights out and deals with a very clingy baby who won't take any substitute for Mommy in order for me to do so.

And if any of the above weren't true there'd be absolute war in this house... don't get me wrong, i recognise what he does is more than some men but at the same time i don't feel he does a jot beyond what is necessary and i appreciate his contribution in the same way he appreciates the fact that i do all the cooking and cleaning.

There is no fucking way anyone should put up with what you do and it's time you had a serious think about the sort of life you want for your children.... is this the sort of behaviour you want them to see modelled by their parents?

Tee2072 · 07/08/2010 19:04

You are making excuses for not leaving. There is plenty of help out there for when you are ready to put your big girl pants on and leave the lazy bum. 1 or 3 children, makes no difference.

He's using you. Pure and simple.

tribpot · 07/08/2010 19:10

"Nothing is hugely bad"

My god. It really, really is. What is the actual point of this man's existence?

AgentZigzag · 07/08/2010 19:10

I can see why you'd be reluctant to leave, but, and I don't normally like slagging off blokes on here cos you obviously don't hear the whole story, he's an arse plain and simple.

You don't even think he loves you, that's awful, especially on top of his shitness in other areas.

Have you had the 'let's get down to brass tacks' talk, where you've spelled it out to him that he gets his act together or you're off?

MrsNozzle · 07/08/2010 19:17

YABU - but only because you shouldn't be walking out, you should be kicking him out and changing the locks!

He sounds like a useless piece of skin. It's a completely unequal relationship, and at 9months pregnant he should be treating you like a queen, doing every scrap of housework and making sure you don't lift a finger.

Stop giving him any money at all. If he complains you are controlling then tough. Tell him to get a fucking job and man up.

colditz · 07/08/2010 19:20

Contact shelter and women's aid.

You do deserve it, it is for people like you, in your situation.

They can help you sort out things like rent.

Original poster
MuffinsMummy · 07/08/2010 19:20

I don't think he believes I will leave him and he is prob right.

I do worry about the girls I hate it when they see me crying it's not right.

When I said the problems aren't huge I meant he doesn't hit me or cheat on me so feel bad about moaning when other people have it a lot worse.

OP posts:
Original poster
MuffinsMummy · 07/08/2010 19:26

I can't kick him out it's his flat that he bought with his ex. I paid some of the mortgage last year but stopped cos thought it might be a kick up the arse but had to start paying again a couple of months ago cos they threatened to evict us. His mum has also paid some since we have been together.

The thought of us moving out and him then losing the flat makes me feel really guilty!

OP posts:
colditz · 07/08/2010 19:32

Why? He treats you like utter shit and doesn't have a moment's discomfort from that!

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