Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

To want to walk out and not come back!

47 replies

MuffinsMummy · 07/08/2010 18:02

I am feeling so fed up at the moment and feel like walking out of the front door and not coming back!

Nothing is hugely bad just lots of little things!

DH hasn't had a proper job since he quit his just after we got married 2 years ago. He owes me about £2000 but what little money he has normally ends up in the pub. I pay for everything to do with the flat (belongs to him), DC and car.

I have a fairly good job and can just about afford it but have debts of my own that I can't afford to pay. It wouldn't bother me if he was a SAHD but he doesn't even look after kids. He picks DD1 up from school but DD2 goes to nursery 2 days a week and MIL has her the other day I work.

I am on maternity leave at the moment so he doesn't have them at all. He doesn't do much around the flat but moans if it isn't tidy and says I don't walk dog enough.

I know I'm not the easiest person in the world to live with but I just feel so fed up! He has asked about a job but as he has no experience I'm not sure if he will get it.

I could be here all day but don't want to bore u all with my trivial problems!

OP posts:

AgentZigzag · 07/08/2010 19:32

He's had too many people making excuses for him and helping him out for too long.

If anyone should be feeling guilty it's not you.

hairytriangle · 07/08/2010 19:36

I left a man like this after sixteen years. I have no dc butit was hard. Very hard. Now I'm in a relationship with a man who contributes to the household I realise how unreasonable my ex was!

GypsyMoth · 07/08/2010 19:45

who threatened to evict you??

you sound scared of him actually

AgentZigzag · 07/08/2010 20:24

I think it was the bank that threatened to evict Tiffany, because the mortgage wasn't getting paid.

Original poster

MuffinsMummy · 07/08/2010 20:30

The mortgage company threatened to take him to court and I thought paying the mortgage was better than being made homeless. I text him earlier and told him not to come back as had enough and he said fine. No doubt he will be back in a bit asking if I have stopped talking sh*t!

I have never found leaving someone so difficult before.

Thank you all for your replies I have a lot to think about.

OP posts:

AgentZigzag · 07/08/2010 20:33

Despite his failings Muffin, deep down do you love him?

fedupofnamechanging · 07/08/2010 20:41

Firstly, these are not small problems so don't feel bad for being unhappy. My advice is that you tell him to put the home into joint names. If he will not do this, then under no circumstances pay the mortgage again. If you get evicted, the council will have to rehouse you, but you need to start conserving your money.
Open a bank account in your name and have your salary paid into it. Stop giving him money.
Get some legal advice. Not sure if mortgage company can persue you if he defaults on mortgage because you are married.
Personally, I can't see what he contributes and think you are effectively a single parent already. I would take DC out of childcare and force him to do it, thus saving the fees, which I would bank. You need escape money

Original poster

MuffinsMummy · 07/08/2010 20:46

I honestly don't know sometimes I do sometimes I hate him.

He told me about a yeah ago I think that I used to belittle him in front of his friends and it made him feel like crap and he had thought about killing himself. I hadn't thought/noticed I was but made a huge effort to not say anything.

He doesn't say stuff in front of people but he has been making little digs lately about how crap I was at cleaning before we got together and the amount of people I had slept with. We have only been together 3 years but I have known him for 13.

I have had a lot of other stuff on my mind lately DD1s sperm donar went to court to establish paternity, DD1 has been having a few behaviour issues like stealing and obv money so have been a bit stressed!

OP posts:

BenignNeglect · 07/08/2010 20:48

As I undertand it, the mortgage company can't go after you unless the mortgage is in your name too. It is his debt, legally, not yours. Do what karma says - open a new account (and never let him have any of the details), and refuse to subsidise him.

And don't feel guilty if you do leave an he does lose the property. It is his debt and if he cannot be bothered to pay off the mortgage, why should he keep it?

Sorry, but he sounds like a total sponger, and unless you put your foot down, he'll take everything you have and continue to act like an arse.

Original poster

MuffinsMummy · 07/08/2010 20:54

The flat is in his and his expartners name so he couldn't put me on. My bank account is in my name only already I'm just stupid enough to give him money. I don't think he has got a bank account anymore because he went overdrawn and couldn't pay it back, his mum paid it in the end.

If/when I do leave him I think I will stay single it's so much easier.

OP posts:

fedupofnamechanging · 07/08/2010 21:06

So, if the flat was sold, his ex would get a chunk of the profits as it is her flat as well as your DHs. In that case, I would recommend selling it and starting again,on terms that are more favourable to you. If his ex stands to make money from this flat and is a part owner then she ought to be paying part of the mortgage. I can't see why she hasn't pushed for it to be sold already. I wouldn't want a financial asset to be just be sitting there, housing my ex and his new wife. Certainly, you should not be putting any money into this. Do you have receipts to prove your financial contribution as this may get you some money back further down the line.

MammKernow · 07/08/2010 21:17

Hope you don't mind me commenting, but you know you should go. You've had an exhausting pregnancy, working and looking after 2 dcs. Or 3 dcs if you count (d)h. You do deserve better.

Not sure on legalities etc, but if you could engineer it so he kicked you out, i think the council would house you. And you can get somewhere rented for a lot less than £1600 in a diff area.

Now if this is a bit awkward (we know each other irl), tell me to hide this thread and i promise i will xxx

LunaticFringe · 07/08/2010 21:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

zipzap · 07/08/2010 22:11

If you are paying lots towards the upkeep of the house, mortgage and dc/life in general, could you get a charge put on the house so that should he sell the property, you would have to get a lump sum from it after the mortgage is paid off?

Don't know much about it other than it can be done - talk to CAB or maybe someone else on here will be able to tell you much more than I can!

But try to do it sooner rather than later, as well as keeping all the receipts etc. Think of it as a Plan B just in case something goes wrong in your relationship and you get kicked out of the house; either because you split with him or because he fails to pay mortgage and you can't.

Original poster

MuffinsMummy · 07/08/2010 22:27

No u don't have to hide thread. If I were to move it would be back near my mum and 3 bed places are about £625 a month.

I think I was just having a laugh with his friends and he didn't like it. He can be very insecure and paranoid, doesn't like being on his own so if I go out without him I would have to get a babysitter most of the time. He said his ex cheated on him so now he can get paranoid about me, he has asked DD1 if we go to see men when we are out!

Yeah basically his ex would get a share if they sold it but she won't come off mortgage even if we offered to pay her. She has married herself now but has moved from this city and not sure where she lives now.

OP posts:

Original poster

MuffinsMummy · 07/08/2010 22:33

Most of the household bills I pay through Internet banking. The mortgage is either paid in the bank using a paying in book or I phone up the mortgage company and pay using my card.

If they sold now I don't think there would be much if anything left after mortgage paid.

OP posts:

zipzap · 07/08/2010 22:57

Even if there wasn't much left at least you would get something! Please please at least look into getting a charge put onto the house so you can recoup some of the money that you have put into your dh's property in case you need it for the next one!

MammKernow · 07/08/2010 23:23

Agree with zipzap on that, part of that flat is yours now. There are various ways to track someone down, so if you decided to sell the flat maybe she'd be happy to have some money?

I think your dh is insecure, as you said, but that doesn't excuse his behaviour or the way he treats you. If you really want to stay together then he needs to start helping out a bit more, and looking for a job so you are not paying for everything. And you need to tell him that! When dc3 comes along, can you see him giving you the support you will need? Could you move in with your mum for a while?

If you didn't really want to stay, I think all the obstacles in your way are surmountable, but the ultimate decision has to be yours. You need to think of youself for a change - whatever will make you happy is going to be best for your dcs too.

justsue · 07/08/2010 23:24

walk out simple as that

Original poster

MuffinsMummy · 08/08/2010 04:03

The last time I stayed at my mums with kids for 1 night my dad was more than a little un-impressed so I don't think that is an option. I think that if I asked they wouldn't say no but it would be really awkward.

DC3 is due tomorrow so will wait until everything has settled then make a decision.

Thanks for all the replies.

OP posts:

Heracles · 08/08/2010 05:03

He needs to grow up, really, but you're a couple and it reads as if, as a couple, you've allowed things to get to this state.

First up you both have to agree there's a problem, then you have to agree it needs sorting, then you have to agree to do the sorting together. if you can't nail these three things then you'll get either nowhere or worse.

Good luck.

LittleMissHissyFit · 08/08/2010 12:17

Good luck for tomorrow MM, hope it all goes well.

The girls are right iirc, if anyone contributes to the mortgage, or upkeep of the home, even indirectly they have a financial interest. You can prove that you have been the only one paying the mortgage.

Call Shelter/Womens Aid, or go see the CAB, I'm sure you can put a charge on the property to recover what you have put in.

That way, anytime that flat gets sold, you will get your money back.

good luck MM!!

Flip

1 2