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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

is he being unreasonable ....

29 replies

stepmumtoone · 07/08/2010 12:50

or am i just turning into a nut job?
just flipped out because DP is going to paint his mums other house so she can rent it out beginning of sept.
this would have been the first time we have been alone together in about 11days with all of this going on www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1015760-to-want-to-just-give-up-on-everything (sorry don't know how to link) i just wanted him to stay and be with me for a while. am i completely nuts or is he BU i really dont know but i cant stop crying!! arrrrrrrrrrrrrggggg

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Original poster
stepmumtoone · 07/08/2010 13:01

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1015760-to-want-to-just-give-up-on-everything think that's a link lol

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Original poster
stepmumtoone · 07/08/2010 13:44

shameful bump, i need to say a hugeeee sorry if the mumsnet jury say it was me being stupidly unreasonable not him!:(

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kayah · 07/08/2010 13:46

he seems to be very helpful person, but your relationship is suffering...

I feel for you

Original poster
stepmumtoone · 07/08/2010 13:55

yea he IS just trying to help his mum but i really need his support right now IYSWIM? i dunno starting to think im being VU!

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kayah · 07/08/2010 13:56

how long is he going to be gone?

Original poster
stepmumtoone · 07/08/2010 13:58

all day, but when he comes back it will be with MIL and BIL so no time to see eachother again as he will be tired at 10pm when they aim to get back :(

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kayah · 07/08/2010 14:00

how about tomorrow?
will you be able to spend some time with him?

Original poster
stepmumtoone · 07/08/2010 14:08

no were staying at MIL because we trying to start a custody case for DSD, so tomorrow will be same again me, DP, MIL and BIL.
no real choice in any of it i dont know anyone in this area except them and neither does DP so its stay here and put up with everything thats going on in silence

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kayah · 07/08/2010 14:12

I think it may be his way of coping with stress too = keeping himself busy
and helping others hoping that good deed comes back to him :)

I think hime being helpful and generous might have been one reasons why you wanted to be with him... :)

diddl · 07/08/2010 14:17

So you are currently living with his Mum?

Depending on how much rent you are paying, perhaps he feels obliged to help?

Original poster
stepmumtoone · 07/08/2010 14:31

we have our own place but its further away from his daughter (who we cant find), we have both been helping, i was hoovering and staking dishwasher etc whilst losing a baby cause he didn't want to tell his mum i was miscarrying so we had to act normal, we have been buying food but v hard to pay 2 rents so she hasnt had any money specifically for rent, but we both went to the other house to help her paint all last week and fixed up her garden etc.
i know i am BU its just a really difficult time atm and i needed some time just us but he doesn't see what i mean, but i think thats more my fault not his, sorry for silly post :(

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diddl · 07/08/2010 15:09

Not a silly post.

I can´t imagine how you must be feeling, all that you´ve been through.

Perhaps he deals with things better by being busy?

Perhaps you can have a little time this evening & try to tell yourself that the house painting won´t last long.

I´m a little confused as to why you have had to move to see his daughter though?

I hope things get sorted out soon for you.

MyPrettyFloralBonnet · 07/08/2010 15:29

I don't think you're being silly either, you're grieving and you're perfectly entitled to feel anyway you want.

I also agree that keeping busy might be how your DP is coping with everything. When I had my MC I didn't want to speak to anyone, I just spent hours playing computer games (makes me sound about 12 yo I know!)

I can't suggest anything more but it must be very hard keeping it all a secret, just know you can come here and unload and there'll be plenty of people ready to listen and offer support.

Original poster
stepmumtoone · 07/08/2010 22:36

we moved because his mums house is 50miles away from the city shes in but ours is 200, when we tried to get a solicitor we couldn't find one who would travel that far so we had to stay at his mums so he didn't have to represent himself. IYSWIM bit difficult to understand and i feel im not explaining myself very well so sorry again.
Mypretty MN has been the best source of comfort i have at the moment! thank you everyone who has posted for me not just today but on my past threads as well without that advice i wouldn't have coped i don't think xx

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mumblechum · 07/08/2010 22:39

On a side issue, there's absolutely no need to move just because of the solicitor issue.

I'm a family lawyer and when I'm instructed for someone whose case is being heard at a court a long way away I either appoint an agent (ie another solicitor local to the court) or a barrister just to go along for the day.

ChippingIn · 07/08/2010 22:47

YANBU you have been putting yourself last while you are both looking for little DSD and it's been hell, you have had to pretend you haven't had a MC and act normally and now when you have a chance to spend a little bit of time together, he's offered to do this.

I suspect the others are right and it's a combination of paying his mum back/helping her out/dealing with the loss of the baby and everything that's going on with his DD. It's a hugely stressful time for you both.

I don't think you 'owe' his Mum rent or that she needs 'paying back' it's not a jolly, it's a crisis and if she is any kind of a parent/grandparent would not even be thinking in this way (and from your other thread she isn't).

I think you need to talk to DP and tell him how you feel without getting angry about it... tell him what you need from him.

If you are starting the custody case, does it mean you have located her???

Big hugs.

I hope people read your other thread before posting here, but I suspect lots may not, so don't be suprised or hurt if you get a lot of YABU etc - you truely aren't.

Original poster
stepmumtoone · 07/08/2010 23:50

mumblechum, really??? we've been told that as it was a location issue the best thing we could do was stay as close as possible to his daughter?
chipping in, we think so, we sent off letters all recorded delivery to different addresses on different days and watched for hints she personally had read one, the FIRST :) one got sent and the next morning there was a status on facebook along the lines of haha F**K you. soooooo we sent others no response sent a second letter to same address and similar status so we believe the best bet is to tell solicitor what she put and the face that post received at that address obviously gets back to her :)

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Original poster
stepmumtoone · 07/08/2010 23:52

and the face??? what am i on about? that should read - to prove the fact!
will teach me to preview Blush

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mumblechum · 08/08/2010 00:02

I don't know your backstory so if your solicitor advised you to move to support your application that's one thing, but you don't need to move just to be close to the solicitor (much as we all love our clients dearly Grin)

Original poster
stepmumtoone · 08/08/2010 00:17

Grin our solicitor here is scary!! she doesnt like me being upset in her office lol. when we spoke to solicitors where we are from they told us the best thing to do would be to get as close as possible, both to a solicitor near DSD and so we can show we have made as much effort as possible in the hunt for her (apparently the being able to do nothing about it just looks better the closer you are)

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mumblechum · 08/08/2010 00:19

Oh dear. All family lawyers have very large boxes of tissues in our offices. Dealing with very upset people is all part of the service Sad

Original poster
stepmumtoone · 08/08/2010 00:23

nope, she has no tissues, i love her if she scares the likes of me, then DSDs mum will be wetting her pants Grin

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ChippingIn · 08/08/2010 00:34

stepmumtoone - well, it's great that you (appear to) have found her Grin. I hope for her sake (and yours/DP's) that it doesn't take too long to get it sorted out.

takethatlady · 08/08/2010 00:38

Having read the other post YANBU at all - but neither is your DP. The other posters are right that you probably love him for his generosity and helpfulness, but you are also putting your life on hold and plunging yourself into a huge amount of stress to help him track down and take custody of his daughter.

If I were you I'd talk to him and tell him you desperately need some time alone with him. If there's any chance you could book into a B&B or a hotel (even if it's a £9 Travelodge deal - obviously you're going through a lot of expense at the moment) just for a night, or go for a meal together, or even just go out for fish and chips in the park, you should do it. Let him do the painting, but tell him it's serious - you're grieving, you're under severe stress, you're lonely - and that you need this time together.

You sound like an absolutely lovely person, and I'm sure you'll get through this.

Original poster
stepmumtoone · 10/08/2010 13:47

arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrg!!!! hes now said yes to going away with his mum for a week from the 18th, totally doesn't think hes doing anything wrong, no he probably isnt in normal terms, but im stuck here in a strange place, i normally love my MIL but right now i want to split up with him and go home i mean really would it be totally unreasonable to go home without him??
please help me i do love him but this is pushing me to far atm, feel completely let down that he thinks this is ok behaviour, but it may just be me i know im not thinking straight xx

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