to be totally upset with my mum for not wanting to come from SA and help me when my new baby arrives

[EvaLongoria]

We recently found out that I am expecting my second baby. Baby is only due in March.

I am 31 and studying again and really want to finish in order for me to have a really good job by the time the children start school. My DD is 2.8. When I had her my mum promised me she will come and then told me the week before DD was due to arrive that she will not come because she doesn't think she will survive England's weather. DD was born end Oct.

I then thought fine I cannot force her. DD was a healthy baby and I had to be rushed back to hospital due to complications with my emergency c-section. To top it off my MIL fell at the same time that I was rushed back and she broke her hip. She was then in a different hospital for the 2 weeks that I was in hospital and therefore unable to assist me. My mum then wanted to come and then decided against it for the same reasons that I mentioned before. I managed and was fine so I didnt think anything of it after.

I just want my mum to come and help me from end of April to end of June (2 months really) and she doesnt want to. She is still very healthy at age 52. Has had 8 kids and this will be her 7 grandchild. She looks after my older sisters 3 kids all their lives age 16, 13 & 11 and my other sister age 26 and brothers are still at home all offering to help the younger 2 get to school and homework. Oh and my dad is still at home and can cook and stuff as well.

Both my 2 younger sisters cannot come because my one sister is in her final year at university and my other sister graduated but started her dream job as a trainee. I really really dont want to put my studies behind again because I know I will then never have the time to return to it again. I have been at home since my DD was born.

Am i really being that unreasonable. Especially since I have offered to pay for their tickets and everything everytime, therefore money is not the issue.

Sorry for the long post and any grammar and spelling

Okay, there's obviously a potential caring issue here because of your history of difficulties after giving birth. That's issue number one, and that is not the responsibility of your mother. It would be nice if she could help, but she is not obligated.

Issue number two is your education. In the long term, it would be much easier for you to get local childcare for your DCs while you attended lectures. This does not involve getting a nanny. Many childminders will take on children part time so this might be something worth looking into. It's cheaper too. So no, I don't think this is your mum's responsibility either.

Issue number three is your relationship with your mum. Clearly there are problems there. You will not solve these just by having her help you for a while. You will be very disappointed if you think you can put your relationship with her right by her assisting with your DCs. With regards to the birthday present thing, tell your mum it really bothered you. Also tell her you were upset by her excuse of the weather. My guess is that she didn't feel she could fly all that way and was looking for a reason to let you down gently. She gave a piss poor excuse, but don't assume she was malicious with it. Btw, you can't equate your mother's care for other children in your family with her potential care of your DCs. The geographical distance makes this a completely unfair comparison. The familial connection makes it understandable that you are thinking the way you are, but it's not logical to expect the same childcare obligations.

But to answer your ultimate question, AYBU to be totally upset? No. You have a right to be upset that she does not want to come, especially given the history in your relationship. But YABU if you are expecting her to actually drop everything and move continents for two months. Sorry, but familial obligtions aside, she has every right to say no to that.

Though I do think she needs to work on her excuses....

A suggestion - you might find it helpful to post on the Relationships section if you want advice about your feelings re: your formative years, not meeting your parents til 8 etc. There is often really insightful advice on there, or you may come across others who've been through similar experiences. TBH that seems to be the fundamental issue here.

Maybe you genuinely are thinking that it would be nice for your mum to come and have a holiday, but the timing suggests that you are expecting her to help out with the new baby, and as the other time you invited her was when your first dd was born, I would imagine she's expecting that it'll be coming in a caring capacity rather than just to enjoy a holiday.

A couple of other things - better this way than being let down one week before (as happened the first time) that was well out of order. Perhaps she's realised that, and can't trust herself not to back out again, so realises it's better to say no now.

Also - I agree with swallowedafly that she probably wouldn't drop everything for two months for any of her kids if they lived so far away. It's pointless to compare the caring that she does for them, because they are either at, or near, her home. You have chosen a different path with your life (and no doubt reap the benefits of that, as presumably you prefer to live in the UK rather than SA) so I would focus on building friends here who will probably gladly help out.

Hi thanks for lasts responses.

Just to say lastly that I have not only invited her the two time i.e. birth of DD and current invite. I have invited multiple times before I got married, after marriage, whilst I was pregnant and then she suggested maybe better to wait for birth then she can see baby as well which seemed reasonable and several times during DD's almost 3 years.

Just spoken to her and havent mentioned any of the above. So will try and get someone else to assist should the time come.

Thanks

YABU, your choice to plan a second child whilst studying so if you need help then you'll have to do what millions of others do and pay for it. Two months is a very long time to expect another person to leave their home and be at your beck and call.

Why did you leave out so much important information in your OP?

It does sound like a difficult and complex relationship with your mother. It sounds like you want her to make up for being a rubbish mum by helping you now.

Thats fair enough.

But YABU.

My mum would think I had gone bonkers if I asked her to move to my house to help me look after my kids. She only lives 250 miles away.

Can you really not cope with a newborn and a 3 year old? I know its tough when you are studying but its not impossible. And its your choice.

I am sorry about your childhood, that does seem to be the big issue here.