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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be totally upset with my mum for not wanting to come from SA and help me when my new baby arrives

56 replies

EvaLongoria · 07/08/2010 12:40

We recently found out that I am expecting my second baby. Baby is only due in March.

I am 31 and studying again and really want to finish in order for me to have a really good job by the time the children start school. My DD is 2.8. When I had her my mum promised me she will come and then told me the week before DD was due to arrive that she will not come because she doesn't think she will survive England's weather. DD was born end Oct.

I then thought fine I cannot force her. DD was a healthy baby and I had to be rushed back to hospital due to complications with my emergency c-section. To top it off my MIL fell at the same time that I was rushed back and she broke her hip. She was then in a different hospital for the 2 weeks that I was in hospital and therefore unable to assist me. My mum then wanted to come and then decided against it for the same reasons that I mentioned before. I managed and was fine so I didnt think anything of it after.

I just want my mum to come and help me from end of April to end of June (2 months really) and she doesnt want to. She is still very healthy at age 52. Has had 8 kids and this will be her 7 grandchild. She looks after my older sisters 3 kids all their lives age 16, 13 & 11 and my other sister age 26 and brothers are still at home all offering to help the younger 2 get to school and homework. Oh and my dad is still at home and can cook and stuff as well.

Both my 2 younger sisters cannot come because my one sister is in her final year at university and my other sister graduated but started her dream job as a trainee. I really really dont want to put my studies behind again because I know I will then never have the time to return to it again. I have been at home since my DD was born.

Am i really being that unreasonable. Especially since I have offered to pay for their tickets and everything everytime, therefore money is not the issue.

Sorry for the long post and any grammar and spelling

OP posts:
Altinkum · 07/08/2010 12:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Itsjustafleshwound · 07/08/2010 12:46

YANBU - I would also want my mum to be there (and she was) for both of my children. However, I can see that it is quite a daunting thing for someone to fly over and be at the coalface for 6 weeks in someone else's house.

What is your relationship with your mum like? Could you speak to her about it?

cornsilk1010 · 07/08/2010 12:46

YABU

swallowedAfly · 07/08/2010 12:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

potoftea · 07/08/2010 12:49

It really is a huge deal to ask someone to leave their home, their lives, their friends etc. and come to stay in your home for 2 months. I hope my dd never asks this of me, as I'd hate to do it, but would also hate to leave her down.

You are 31 so it's a bit much to still expect your parents to help through the ordinary life stuff. If you had just found out one of you had cancer or were facing a long hospital stay and treatment, then I think all family should rally around to do what they can. But having a baby isn't an unusual event.

tribpot · 07/08/2010 12:49

YANBU to be upset. But YABU to expect this of your mum. It's her life, after all.

It sounds odd that she wouldn't come, though. What's the issue, really the weather?

How realistic is it that you will complete the academic year with a newborn? What other options are there, could your dp/dh take unpaid leave, could you afford a nanny for that period? Could your dad come?

I totally see how unfair it looks when she is taking care of your sister's children.

MmeLindt · 07/08/2010 12:50

I think yanbu in wishing she would care enough to come over to see your baby born and help a bit.

Yabu in expecting her to come and definitely being unreasonable if you depend on her. She has shown that she is unreliable.

Find another way. I you can afford to pay her costs, then use that money to pay for a temporary nanny for a couple of hours a day until you are back on your feet.

violethill · 07/08/2010 12:52

YABU it is the responsibility of you and your partner to manage this.

The timing has also been your choice - you could have postponed another baby if your studying and getting back to work is so important right now.

I don't think anyone has the right to expect family members to totally drop their own commitments to do what we'd like them to.

You say that money is no object, and have offered to pay for flights, so why not use that money to buy some childminder time for your dd1, or for some help when the baby arrives? That way you get the practical support you want and you're not spending any more than you would to bring your mother over

violethill · 07/08/2010 12:53

x posts there with mmelindt

Using the money to buy in help is definitely the best solution

BertieBasset · 07/08/2010 12:53

YANBU to want your mum to see your kids, and bond with her grandchildren. But YABU if you want her to come and babysit for a couple of months, so you can carry on with work.

tbh you should have thought of that first.

It does sound though as if you are a bit upset that she has so much to do with other grand kids and I can see why that would be hurtful.

juuule · 07/08/2010 12:54

YABU.

NestaFiesta · 07/08/2010 12:55

YABU. 2 months is a lot to ask her to leave her usual life behind, including her other children and grandchildren. Perhaps if you made the time a bit shorter? To be honest, if she has raised 8 kids and this is her seventh grandchildren, she might be spread thinly as it is and two months of babycare is a lot. I can see you have stuff you are worried about, but she still has kids at home and grandchildren out there and depriving them of her for two months is a bit much.

If you want to finish your studies, you may have to pay for childcare rather than summoning a family member from South Africa. I don't mean to sound harsh, and I wish you luck with your DC2.

Itsjustafleshwound · 07/08/2010 12:58

Also - won't the visa also be an issue - the last time my mum came out it was in the region of R1000 for the application and required her submitting a lot of documentation ... would she get a visa for the time???

MmeLindt · 07/08/2010 12:59

Is it the fact that she won't come and see her new grandchild that bothers you most? Or the issue with your studies?

I asked my mum to come over when I had DS (we were in Germany) and she took unpaid leave to do so. For two weeks. Tbh, I think that she is being very unreasonable. Sounds like she is not interested in your children. That has to hurt. I am sorry.

traceybath · 07/08/2010 13:01

Agree with everyone else - 2 months is a long time and surely you didn't expect her to do this when she didn't come over at all when you had your last baby.

Get a cleaner/doula/nanny organised for post-birth and perhaps take 6 months off from studying.

skidoodly · 07/08/2010 13:09

yabu

You chose to have two children and to go to University. Sorting that stuff out is your resonsibility, not your mother's.

I can see that it's sad that she is so much more involved with her other grandchildren, but that's what happens when you move far away from family.

You just can't demand 2 months of anyone's life in the way you are trying to. Nobody owes you that.

violethill · 07/08/2010 13:18

Another point to consider is that seeing as your dd1 has never met her grandmother I assume? so it's not even an issue of wanting your mum around because your dd1 will find that easier. She clearly can't know her, at 2.8 years, with her living in SA, so tbh from your dd's point of view alone you're better off paying for someone she has a chance of builing a relationship with.

In your shoes, I'd start paying a CM/mothers help to buy yourself some study time before the new baby arrives. Then when that time somes, your dd1 will have a familiar face around to look after her while you're in hospital, and during those early weeks. Far more useful than dragging someone she doesn't even know halfway across the world.

violethill · 07/08/2010 13:18

somes? comes

Firawla · 07/08/2010 13:20

2 months!! yabu. it's a long time to expect her to come and stay
can understand being upset if she doesn't show an interest or not bothered about seeing the baby but i feel you are expecting too much. can you not just get on with it, together with your dh? take a gap year from your studying or 6 months off? (like maternity leave type thing)

Original poster
EvaLongoria · 07/08/2010 13:22

Thanks for all the replies.

Yes I could have planned the baby a bit better so that is totally our fault. DH is there and will be there throughout. He works in sales and his salary is commissioned. When I said money wasnt an issue I meant that I would be able to afford to buy her a ticket and have her here. Having a nanny I really cannot afford. I had them before and found it really unreliable. I only have lectures twice a week and really do not want to leave the baby with someone else at that age. My mum yes had 8 kids. Her youngest are 19 years old.

Growing up we never had a relationship actually because of all her 8 kids I was the only one that lived with other family and met my parents only when I was 8 years old. By the time I ended up living with her we could never have a mother daughter relationship. To make a long story short my life was horrible (only mine) and at times I hated it and thought I hated her. After leaving home we formed a bond again and she was the one on my speeddial when I had my DD.

And that is why I dont think I had any problems because I took on board all of her advice when asked. When DD was born my cut re-opened and truthfully DD was 5.5 months old when it closed. That caused lots of problems for me but I managed. And a month later I flew to SA with my baby (alone because DH couldnt afford more time off and we would not have been able to afford a ticket for him as well) for the whole of my family to see instead of just one of them flying up (we never would have expected it anyway.

This year again I flew via Dubai and paid £1500 for 2 tickets and a 22 hour flight for my DD to visit her grandparents and my family. Tickets very expensive because it was before the world cup. We had a month out there and I came back with lots of catching up to do and still passed this year with a few distinctions and merits.

The thing is I never asked anything of my mum and never would but just to help me for once in her life. My mum has my sister's 3 kids there because she was always not capable of looking after those kids. I left age 25 and most of my life I helped looking after my nieces and nephew. Even when I went down now I bought them trainers and stuff they needed for school. Also they are at an age where she doesnt really look after them. If its school meetings, my 26 year old sister go to the meetings, everyone else helps with school work. They at an age where they are old enough not to be babysat by her.

I am sure all of you who have parents or family in a different country would at least receive something when you give birth to your first born, I never did. DD has not once received a birthday card from home, nor the special blanket that she knitted for all other 5 kids when they were born.

So maybe I am BU but I really dont think its too much too ask. Oh and my dad really cant come because he has a genuine fear for flying which she definitely doesnt have.

OP posts:
diddl · 07/08/2010 13:25

Well unless you have another csection, it´s perfectly possible to look after a newborn & an almost three yr old without help.

Original poster
EvaLongoria · 07/08/2010 13:28

X-posts with a few. My DD knows most of my family and especially my immediate family. We went visiting only twice but we speak twice weekly to them. She can say all their names and everything.

And having her here for 2 months wont be like 2 months of childcare only but mainly the 2 days that I have college because as I said I really dont want to leave the baby that young with a childminder. DH doesnt work Tuesdays and DD never goes to childminder on that day because its daddy's day.

Also the visa will not be an issue as its under £100 so will be paid again by us.

OP posts:
violethill · 07/08/2010 13:29

That makes a lot more sense now that you've given all the background. But this is still really about you needing to feel that you are getting something back from your mother, after feeling rejected for so many years. I think that's a far bigger issue than whether she comes for 2 months next year. Hopefully in time you will feel you have a good relationship, but for now, I think you should focus on managing without her, so that if she does come in the future, it's time freely given.

I don't think you need to employ a nanny. Cost up what you would have spent on the flights for your mother. Use that exact amount to pay for CM hours, both to cover some study time, and when your baby's born. If it's money you would spend anyway, then you won't be out of pocket.

The issue here is about you feeling rejected, and that your siblings have had a very different upbringing from you. Nothing can change that, hopefully in the long term you can come to terms with how it was, but for now I would just focus on your life here.

kayah · 07/08/2010 13:29

Imagine she came and fell ill, subsequently being unable to help you...

What would you do then?

violethill · 07/08/2010 13:32

If you speak twice weekly then tbh I wouldn't hold a grudge about your dd not getting a birthday card. Speaking that regularly requires more effort and expense than sticking a card in the post. My FIL never remembered birthday cards for our kids - he was elderly, grumpy and just didn't do it. Don't get hung up on stuff like that - it's not worth it