to be totally upset with my mum for not wanting to come from SA and help me when my new baby arrives

[EvaLongoria]

We recently found out that I am expecting my second baby. Baby is only due in March.

I am 31 and studying again and really want to finish in order for me to have a really good job by the time the children start school. My DD is 2.8. When I had her my mum promised me she will come and then told me the week before DD was due to arrive that she will not come because she doesn't think she will survive England's weather. DD was born end Oct.

I then thought fine I cannot force her. DD was a healthy baby and I had to be rushed back to hospital due to complications with my emergency c-section. To top it off my MIL fell at the same time that I was rushed back and she broke her hip. She was then in a different hospital for the 2 weeks that I was in hospital and therefore unable to assist me. My mum then wanted to come and then decided against it for the same reasons that I mentioned before. I managed and was fine so I didnt think anything of it after.

I just want my mum to come and help me from end of April to end of June (2 months really) and she doesnt want to. She is still very healthy at age 52. Has had 8 kids and this will be her 7 grandchild. She looks after my older sisters 3 kids all their lives age 16, 13 & 11 and my other sister age 26 and brothers are still at home all offering to help the younger 2 get to school and homework. Oh and my dad is still at home and can cook and stuff as well.

Both my 2 younger sisters cannot come because my one sister is in her final year at university and my other sister graduated but started her dream job as a trainee. I really really dont want to put my studies behind again because I know I will then never have the time to return to it again. I have been at home since my DD was born.

Am i really being that unreasonable. Especially since I have offered to pay for their tickets and everything everytime, therefore money is not the issue.

Sorry for the long post and any grammar and spelling

Sorry but another YABU here. I DO think you are asking too much of her, I'm afraid sometimes you just have to get on with things. I don't mean that unkindly at all, but I'm sure you'll manage. Hundreds of other couples do (including myself and DH). I think the other things you mention are issues to be addressed seperately if they concern you as much as they seem to.

diddl as mentioned in one of my posts because of my wound reopening I was told from the word go I am being under a consultant and there will be a possibility of another C-section. DD was a very big baby and DH is 6"3 and I am 5"1 and there is a possibility of it being a big baby again they said what will worry them is the scar reopening whilst still carrying the baby. But we will not know any of this until further along. And if it wasnt for my studies I would not have had a problem looking after a 3 year old and newborn. But this time around I would have loved to have my mum here.

I can see why you feel sad that she doesn't want to come (and her reason is pathetic IMO). But it's a bit much to expect her to be a home help for 2 months.

YABU, even by stealth YABU.
Just do what the rest of us do and cope.
TBH with your history I wouldn't choose your mum as my first port of call. Agree with those to say get a mothers help or similar with the money you won't have to pay on flights etc.

Whatever you had decided to do after your mum went home I think you just need to do straightaway e.g. where the children will be during your lectures etc. Your DH will be able to have time off for the initial period. Can't he do some flexi-time as well? What about MIL, is she still capable of helping you this time? Having only ever had DP to help, I can't really see the problem, sorry!

I have to say YANBU to feel the way you do. It is totally understandable to feel let down. But I think you have to accept the way your mother feels and respect her wishes.

Everything you have done (i.e. fly out there and spend time with them) is your choice. It does not mean that they are under any obligation to do the same TBH. And I say this as someone who has experienced a similar situation with my family.

Is there anyway you can take a break from your studies and resume them another time? Enjoy your baby - let everything else take a back seat.

I agree with Ilythia. This isn't about childcare, really, it's about all the other issues between you and her. I can see why you feel let down and why having her make this gesture would be so important to you, but I really wouldn't rely on her ever doing so. Don't get hung up on the idea that she is going to come over and suddenly everything that's gone on between you will be resolved, because it won't.

The best thing you can do now, IMO, is make a solid plan for how to manage your time when the baby is here. Get as much information as you can: from your healthcare team (about what to expect, sources of support if necessary etc.), and from your college (about timetables, possible deferment, sources of support, deadline extensions etc.)

You are in charge, you are capable, you will manage. Good luck with the birth :)

Agree hocuspontas. You seem to be expecting to study or work without making the kind of arrangements that the rest of us have to just sort out and pay for.

As for the CSection - it's a minuscule risk of the scar reopening during pregnancy. And I can't see what difference it would make whether your mother is around if it happened anyway!!

I had a csection with dc2, and coped with pregnancy again without any help as our family all lived miles away. I wouldn't have dreamed of expecting anyone to give up two weeks never mind two months. It really is possible to look after a new born and a child who'll be 3 you know. Many of us have coped with more than that! You seem to be expecting the worst. At least your DH will be entitled to paternity leave these days, and already has Tuesdays off - paternity leave didn't exist 18 years ago, my DH was back to work the day after our dc's arrived.
Don't mean to be harsh but you seem to expect a lot

Just to add - I had a wound re-open after dd3 and was out of action for 3 months. DP took unpaid leave. You'll manage - I know you are probably just thinking the worst but there'll be other ways apart from your mum!

I've only read your OP, but YANBU for being upset. I know you shouldn't expect your parents to do anything for you once you're an adult, but it's a sad state of affairs if someone doesn't want to help their own child at a time they really need it. My mother has done it for me, and lots of mothers do the same. Don't worry too much though, you probably will manage. People do when they don't have help. Good luck.

From the extra info you have given I would say you should think hard about your family and your mother in particular.

You write that you have resolved the problems between you and your mother but it would not be a surprise if you still harboured some resentment.

It does seem that you are putting a lot of energy into the relationship with your mother and she is not. What does your dh think?

YABU and for some reason I feel disproportionately annoyed by the fact that you seem to think it's your right to have your Mum put her life on hold and come and support yours. Maybe it's your use of the word just as in 'I just want her to leave her life for 2 months and come and provide my childcare' that galls.

Ok I've just read your other posts and I've seen that you only met your parents at the age of 8. Looks like there are lots of unresolved issues, I can see now that it's not a straightforward case of your mother not being bothered to come.

"And if it wasnt for my studies I would not have had a problem looking after a 3 year old and newborn. "

That unfortunately is what you chose to do, though.

If you do end up having a section, perhaps your Mum will feel differently & want to help.

You have been unlucky having a previous big baby & possibly another.

I´m 5ft, my husband 6ft2 and I didn´t have big babies.

Sorry, think YABU.

Who will look after the other grandchildren if your mother is over here?

I know you want her here, and I understand that, but really these are your children, this is your family and should find a way to cope.

I don't mean that bluntly, but you decided to have a second child and millions of other women cope without the help of their extended families when they have second / third / fourth children.

Your mum is an independent woman and I can see her perspective totally, she doesn't want to uproot herself for two months.

Sorry, but YABU.

Having children is hard work, do you know how many people do it alone? Loads.

Not only do some people have absolutely no family, but some have no partners.

So even though you may be very upset that she's not coming to help you, count yourself lucky in alot of respects.

You seem to be in a fortunate position. So just enjoy your pregnancy and look after yourself and your kids. You aren't the first person to have to do it.

Angrypixie without even reading your name I wondered why is this poster sounding so angry and then saw your name.....

Firstly I don't know why everyone feels like she will be putting her life on hold. I totally understand if majority feels I am unreasonable. That is why I put it on here and actually can accept it when I am. Yes she raised kids from a young age. And yes I wanted her to come and help me where 2 of the days I wanted her to look after the baby only as DD goes starts nursery 4 mornings a week and goes to the childminder after. So I didnt want her to provide full-on childcare. At the same time she will have a holiday as well. Visit England and she loves beauty, shopping, etc. She would love it but its more the fact that she does not want to do it for me. I have accepted that if not before I posted I at least have now.

And yes I chose to study (because I never expected my parents to pay for me seeing that they had 7 other kids, and I only now got an opportunity again and want to make our lives a bit better in order for my children to be able to visit their grandparents whenever they want to) and we chose to have another baby so its our problem. and maybe as always I am always the person that would help everyone out but no one ever does the same. So from now on I will concentrate on this myself but thanks for all the responses.

At least I know if my DD would ever asks for my help that I would want to help her as long as its help and not her wanting to take advantage of "cheap childcare", parties, etc.

BigBadMummy As I mentioned before the other 3 kids all live at my parents home with my other siblings still at home. She doesn't solely look after the children because my siblings help out same way as I did. Their mother is 36 years old and refuse to look after their own kids and by now none of us want her to do so as we think she is incapable of looking after her own kids. I was 16 when her first daughter was born and we looked after the baby and babysat. I finished school at age 18 and therefore stayed at home until age 25 because I was helping physically and financially with their schooling and daily lives. I was going to have the youngest come and visit in December for a holiday but we decided to change it to June until after the baby instead of paying in December and then have baby in March as financially that will be too much for us.

Sorry this is not me normally as I hate getting angry with myself. So will just try and accept it. Like I said and reiterate I have no problem with a 3 year old and newborn I just thought it would have been lovely for their grandmother to come and stay for a little while and at the same time help me for those 2 days a week.

By the way. I asked her 2 weeks ago and she said no I never mentioned it again and just couldnt stop thinking about it. That is why I posted on here.

She might have been more amenable though if you just wanted her to visit for the pleasure of seeing her.
Perhaps too much of a busman´s holiday for her?

yabu. She doesn't have to look fter your kids.

You can't make your mum love you - even if you cough up a 2 month holiday.

Spend the money on therapy and childcare.