Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to travel long haul with 4 young children...

30 replies

hksi · 07/08/2010 11:04

My brother is getting married in 18 months time on the other side of the world. He has made it clear I should be there. I have 4 children under 10 and wouldn't leave them here to fly to the other side of the world. The cost for us all to go would be several thousands and use all our savings which were inherited and meant for a rainy day e.g redundancy.I'm feeling terrible and being sent on a real guilt trip. Is this fair????

OP posts:
ChunkyChick · 07/08/2010 11:06

No, it's not fair and YANBU. Why should you spend all your savings on his wedding? Is there any way you can go there for a few days on your own and leave the dc with your partner?

warthog · 07/08/2010 11:06

tell him you can't afford it. if he really wants you there perhaps he could contribute?

i paid for my family to fly over for my wedding. couldn't afford anything else tho! but that was really important for me to have them there.

savoycabbage · 07/08/2010 11:08

No. I have missed in a year and a half , my sister having a baby and my very best friend's wedding. She is now pregnant too.

Not only will it cost a bomb it will take all of your holidays too.

You should only go if YOU want to go, because it might be great and a wonderful experience and all of that but it is your money and you should be able to choose what you spend it on.

Does he live there or is he having one of these new fangled wedding/holidays?

Original poster
hksi · 07/08/2010 11:10

He's emigrated to New Zealand. Last time I saw him was 3 years ago when he was here for a visit. He came to my wedding from NZ hence which he gives a s a reason for me going. He was single at the time.

OP posts:
toddlerama · 07/08/2010 11:11

So egocentric to think that people want to take their holiday at your wedding! Just say no. Clearly and from the start. If it's really important for him to have you there, they can put it in their wedding budget. Otherwise how you spend your savings is not their call, wedding or no.

toddlerama · 07/08/2010 11:11

Oh he lives there. That complicates it slightly...

savoycabbage · 07/08/2010 11:16

It's a fecking long way believe me.

I would go to the travel agents and look at flights and then tell him how much it is going to be and that you haven't got that much money. Maybe it hasn't crossed his single man's mind that is will cost a fortune and be a long journey for your dc.

QS · 07/08/2010 11:22

Tell him how much it is going to cost for 6 people to fly to New Zealand. He was single and flew alone, so he cant compare his costs to yours. Tell him it is a totally different matter for a single man to jet across the world to a wedding, than a family with four children. If he does not budge, you can trump him with the oh so patronising "Dont worry Jason, in time you will realize that I am right, when you have a couple of kids yourself." Then smile knowingly.

Original poster
hksi · 07/08/2010 11:23

£5500 just for flights........

OP posts:
GeekOfTheWeek · 07/08/2010 11:31

I wouldn't go unless i could comfortably afford it.

I wouldn't use my savings or get into debt for anyones wedding. Not even my own.

elvislives · 07/08/2010 11:34

My cousins got married in NZ in 2008 and we flew out for the weddings. We took one child (11 mo) and she was a PITA on the flight(s). I don't know how people manage more than one very small child on a plane. I don't blame you not wanting to take 4.

You can get longhaul flights quite reasonably these days, and although people said to us "I wouldn't go all that way for less than a month" we only had 10 days because that was all we could manage. FWIW I'm glad we went. We saw quite a lot of the country, and it isn't somewhere we would have gone otherwise.

Could you really not leave the children with their GPs or someone you trust and go out for a week?

violethill · 07/08/2010 11:35

Can't you go solo?

Six fares would be horrendous (and long haul with 4 kids would be too!) but if you could go alone it would give you a great break

kayah · 07/08/2010 11:35

I would go just by myself for a week (or longer if possible)

you would regret if you won't

but on the other hand if you are using your holiday time - it is your holiday :)

if I wasn't working I would go for the maximum time allowed say fly there with yout dh for the wedding, stay few extra days/weeks and come back with another family member for help

then you'd feel your money woudl go futher
and tbh being there you don't have to go evrywhere, being in a new country is an adventure if he could find you free accomodation

have look at www.couchsurfing.org/
I myself hosted quite few people in my place here and had only good experience

you will be surprised how friendly people are to invite people round their house to sta yfor holiday :)
there's group for families who want to host other families
www.couchsurfing.org/group.html?gid=513

Original poster
hksi · 07/08/2010 11:45

Don't think I could go to NZ and leave the children here. Also wouldn't expect
dh to give up his holiday to stay home alone.

OP posts:
BaggedandTagged · 07/08/2010 11:47

As an expat myself, I would say YANBU. When you decide to go and live a long way from family and friends you have to accept that to an extent, you have to do the running- you cant expect the people back in the UK to spend all their cash and holidays coming to see you. You do miss out on things and that is part of the deal.

That said, you say "I have 4 children under 10 and wouldn't leave them here to fly to the other side of the world.." Is that a practical or emotional decision? If emotional- i.e. you are being a bit "I cant believe he thinks I can just drop everything and fly half way around the world for him", then maybe at least take time to think whether you could cobble something together with help from your DH, friends and parents so that you could go. That would be a lot more manageable.

But yes, I think it's insane for you all to try to go. The flight is 27 hrs if you do it in one go (and that's what the cheapest flights are). Layovers add additional expense both for the fare and for your hotels etc at layover stops.

Original poster
hksi · 07/08/2010 11:50

Emotional - as in I couldn't bear for them to be here and for me to be so far away. Think it would only be a positive experience if DH was there and if I then left the children it would have to be with mother in law. Children would be 10 8 5 and 3. A lot to expect of someone else.....

OP posts:
violethill · 07/08/2010 11:52

Why wouldn't your DH be happy to use some holiday to stay at home with the kids? I mean, it's only a once in a lifetime thing isn't it? You'd have a great time; he'd have a great time; they'd have a great time.
My kids always loved daddy time

violethill · 07/08/2010 11:52

sorry x posts there

weegiemum · 07/08/2010 11:53

I don't think you can use the "long haul with 4 kids = crap" argument as he will easily be able to find people (like me) who have done long-haul with children and have had no bother.

However, the money argument is very fair! £5500!!!! Unless you are also going to use it to have a holiday of a lifetime type scenario, then I wouldn't do that for a wedding!!!

SuzieHomemaker · 07/08/2010 11:55

I agree with BaggedandTagged, when we lived abroad we recognised that it was our choice and that we couldnt expect parents to pay to visit us. We were only in Europe so we would pay for our parents to fly over every couple of months.

howdoo · 07/08/2010 12:06

Also agree with BaggedandTagged, and am also an expat. Your brother chose to live in NZ and also chose to have his wedding there, so he can't start demanding that people come. Why can't he and his new bride have a blessing/party in the UK if it is all so easy and cheap to go halfway across the world??
And a 27hr flight with 4 young children? Makes me feel quite faint just thinking about it!

SweetnessAndShite · 07/08/2010 12:10

YANBU. just think what else you could do with that money. Why not get him broadcast the wedding via webcam so you can "be there". not the same I know but at least you could be involved.

BranchingOut · 07/08/2010 12:12

I actually think that you should go, with your husband.

It still rankles somewhat that I went to the wedding of one of my closest friends, but then by the time I came to get married she was pregnant and could not come. That was just in the context of friendship, whereas this is your brother...

In 18 months time your children will be significantly more independent, particularly the 3 year old. How about they stay with your MIL but you employ a temporary nanny or au pair to help out?

BranchingOut · 07/08/2010 12:17

Just to add: it was not so much that she didn't attend, more that I very much got the sense that getting married was 'old news' compared to having a baby...Her mum virtually said as much when we all eventually met up and I showed some of my wedding photos.

Try to cast your mind back to how you felt around the time of your own wedding and the emotional importance of the day to you.

Summerbird73 · 07/08/2010 12:20

YADNBU

i felt bad enough inviting elderly family from Newcastle to Knutsford for my wedding and actually said to them that i understood if they felt the journey was too long for them (3hrs in car!). They all made it but appreciated me being considerate to their needs.

We chose to live the other side of the country (never mind other side of world!) and so we do a lot of the visiting.